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But back to BDSM and poly for a moment ...

topic posted Tue, December 20, 2005 - 11:41 AM by  herekitty
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Hey. I'm new to poly, less new to BDSM & have about a million semi-articulate questions about what I've been experiencing and would like it if anyone cared to chime in with any thoughts whatsoever on the dynamics involved in this world. One thing I do know is that every BDSM relationship is completely its own and undefinable by any other BDSM relationship, but as the three of us involved right now begin to sort out how things will work for us, I'm still interested in hearing about how others have dealt with similar kinds of situations.

In this case I'm the sub/girl of a dom and a daddy who don't (at this point) interact with each other in any way. Neither relationship is of a 24/7 nature. If you've played or had relationships of this kind, was one of the tops "more in charge" than the other? How were boundaries negotiated so everyone got what they needed/wanted without having things turn into some kind of top competition?

If you're a top, how do you feel about marks being left by someone else on your sub/bottom when you're not there? Is your sub/bottom allowed to play with another top if you're not there? If you're a sub/bottom with multiple tops, do you hold those relationships completely separate? Does one top get to set conditions or limits on the other?

I know these are nosy questions ... any input you care to give on them or any related issue will be gratefully heard!
posted by:
herekitty
Portland
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  • I am a sub to one of my partners. We agreed that anything done between us would in no way compromise what I am able to do with my other partner. My other partner, who is not a Dom, agreed to hold me to the same rules as my Master, i.e. I must ask permission from him properly. I do this, even though I know he will not say no, because it is expected of me. My partner does not mind the marks left by my Master, and I get permission from my Master if I am going somewhere to play, whether marks will be left or not. His main concern with letting another Top me, is he wants to be sure they are not going to "harm" me. My Partners have been friends for years, and they trust one another. We all do get together.....mmmm.... Also, I wear a My Masters Collar, but attached to it is the charm my other partner gave me at our bonding ceremony. For me this is very significant. It is a constant reminder that I have a Master and a partner and we are all connected to one another. It is also a reminder to those who see me wearing it (at least those who know it's significance) of that relationship.

    On a side note, my partner is married, and his wife is a sub. Her Master has placed restrictions on her that affect her relationship with her husband (my partner). These restrictions have negatively affected their relationship with one another. It is not my place to question her relationship with her Master, however, if it were me, I would be sure that my relationships do not interfere with any other current relationships and/or primary relationships that occur. My Master told me that Doms that do that are simply power hungry. He has re-emphasised to me over and over the difference between a "Top" (which anyone can do) and a "Master"
    • Sounds complicated, but hot (except maybe for the side note part, which sounds mainly complicated!).

      Thanks for your thoughts.
      • Basically, My Master does not put rules on me that affect any other relationship I have, but if I am expected to ask him permission for something, if I am with another partner at the time while I am with them, I must also ask their permission. The important thing is that your Master should not try to exert control over your other relationships. I think this is fundamental for a Poly BDSM triad or more to work. They need to be accepting of what it means to be poly, and if that means you will come home with marks from your other Dom/me, then they have to be ok with it. Perhaps your Dom/mes will take turns leaving marks, so you get to heal in between. My personal thought on the matter is that you all get together over a nice dinner and discuss what will work for you. As always, poly is based on open and honest communication between all involved.
        • A friend of mine once said, "monogomy is for subs". I don't know that to be true of course, but in my BDSM polly dealings, there isn't multiple masters. I do have one relationship where I am a top and the sub has others that top her. In that case she is the one that desides what, when and how. In the other, I am the Master and can not have others intrude. She however, tops others.

          I don't wish to be argumentative, I just can't fathom how a slave can have two Masters.
          • I love your comment "monogamy is for subs!" It sure is in our house! I have no desire to be with anybody else but we both have a strong desire for my wife/Domme to be with others. In previous relationships she was submissive to her Dom and this even included some sexual denial and other things for me based on her Dom's desires. However, this only added to our relationship - unlike the experience noted above. On the other hand, when I felt that her realtionship with her first Dom was becoming unhealthy for her then it did cause some problems for all of us until she finally ended it due to her own conclusion that it needed to be over.
            I guess the important thing for us was that we talked to each other throughout each of her relationships and we always knew that we were there for each other.
            It is interesting to note that she is not looking for a Dom in her next relationship. I think she would like a well-hung subbie boy and a girlfriend as well! I can't wait to see how this turns out!
            • Unsu...
               
              That was a great quote. lots of poly bdsm seems to be oriented to triads and quads very nicely, but I've seen other things work. Poly has the advantage of being able to add new members without breaking the relationship, which is of course impossible in monogamy...

              You've just illustrated the fine and cogent point of communication in any relationship. Without it, problems will be assured. With it, problems are cured.

              My gf[sub/bbw] and I[Dom] seek another woman for her and we're pretty open minded about the situation. It depends on the woman herself, because if she's sincere and desirable, communicates well, and so on then we'd be willing to work out all kinds of kinks. Pun intended.

              What we want is long term, whatever it is. By saying so, we tend to get interesting email from people who are totally unsuited for this exact request. These are people who do not communicate well. Usually filtering and careful conversation catches most of that, but not always.

              I've found that I've had multiple Doms in a poly household before and it works just fine if they have the skills. May not work so well in a married BDSM home, but poly should have zero conflict with the nature of it. I do share with mature and intelligent people on occasion, if they've shown character and wit, and aren't instantly aggressive.

              The REAL problems with poly and bdsm are Time, Money, and Drugs. I can't tell you how many poly houses/homes I've seen disintegrate over the latter. It's hard to get people to display their habits without giving them time to live around you, and then you've got the drama. I've used temporary leases but even then it was pretty rough when the truth came out.

              Honest people, I totally appreciate your telling me about your drug preferences. It saves loads of time and hurt feelings!

              D
          • >> I don't wish to be argumentative, I just can't fathom how a slave can have two Masters. <<

            Very carefully, I think, and with a lot of cooperation from everyone - and especially between the two dom/mes.

            I know of one group in which the sub is legally married to her dom and they'd already been together for many, many years before her domme came into the picture. The two dom/mes are also good friends, though, and as far as I can tell, work out between themselves how to deal with any potential conflicts. I'm sure it also helps the coordination effort that they all live together. I believe that the one who is the legally married partner who was there first has priority if orders that conflict are inadvertently given.

            I don't know the rest of the details of this situation, but it seems to me that this sort of communication between the two dom/mes is probably absolutely essential to making a relationship like this work. I can't even begin to imagine being in such a relationship where my two doms did *not* work a lot out together between themselves - but also with my input, of course. Negotiation is negotiation, and I also happen to make somewhat of a distinction between the poly side of a relationship and the BDSM one, even when everyone involved *is* kinky. That's a whole different topic in and of itself, though.

            It may also help, for all I know, that there's one male and one female, rather than two male doms. Even the most secure poly men are not immune to testosterone poisoning when other men come into the picture, as I once found out first hand to my great dismay, even if they really are perfectly open to the arrangement.

            It also strikes me that it's probably important that at least one of the relationships already be very well established and solid before bringing another dom into the equation. But I think that's true of any poly relationship as well.

            Wendy
  • OK, I have lived poly, and I am a switch, here is how I see it.

    #1-the key to poly is every member being focused on every other member having as many of thier needs met as possible.

    Marks, play, time spent away, none of these should be a problem in a consentual poly relationship as long as everyones needs are being met. When there is conflict, that lack is usually the cause, and needs to be routed out. The only fatal one is a need to no longer be poly. Most others can be worked out once an accomodation is made to assure all need are fulfilled as much as possible. It helped in my poly relationship that I was the strongest partner, and both others bowed to my decision in any conflict unresolvable any other way. I also learned early that poly is a figure with multiple sides, and each must be strong in its own right. It might be helpful for your two partners to negotiate your use and time between them, so that you are not forced to make a choice that will hurt one of them. That way both have a chance to express their needs and understand those of the other.

    Good luck!

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