Is monogamy wrong?

Please read to the end before replying.

Jon, the first thing I would say is that I would have to disagree with your claim that "monogamy has been around for as long as any other form of partnership." I haven't seen any evidence for it while there is ample evidence that having multiple wives (as in the Jewish bible) and multiple husbands (as in the Mahabharata) was idealized. Indeed, the concept of monogamy only became popularized along with "romantic love," sometime before the Renaissance.

However, assume for a moment that you are correct and that monogamy is "natural." I would respectfully suggest that merely being natural does not make it necessarily positive. People have also practiced racism, misogyny, religious hatred, xenophobia, and preemptive war from ancient times. If these are "natural" then do we really need them?

Actually, I do not believe they are "natural" (i.e., "instinctive" or behaviors/emotions we are born with) so much a learned behaviors. One of the beliefs in some spiritual systems is that the reason most people do NOT find sexuality sacred is due to behaviors and feelings we have learned. Therefore, we have to unlearn past behaviors, concepts, and ideas to allow ourselves to open to sacred spirituality.

Further, your statement that you "always feel most comfortable in a monogamous relationship" sounds as if it may be slightly in error. It may be more accurate to say that you are involved in "serial monogamy." That is, you only have sex with one person at a time. In some modern spiritual traditions such actions are as frowned upon as is polyamory.

Further, you seem to equate polyamory with an "open" relationship. I would contend that this is NOT an accurate comparison, although I certainly admit that some people involved in open relationships or having multiple partners incorrectly use the term "polyamory" to internally rationalize their behavior. Suggestion: check Wikipedia for a more accurate definition of "polyamory."

Be that as it may, this entire argument, as a support or counter to your main question of can a person practice sacred sexuality within a monogamous relationship? The answer, IMO, is that it depends upon the person. For some people the answer is absolutely yes. For others, the answer is no.

So I would contend that rather than asking people here that question, you should ask it of yourself. Read what people have experienced as the result of sacred sexual practices. Are you experiencing such things? If not, what you are doing isn't working. If you are, what you are doing is working.

Therefore, I would also say that when you ask if you're insecure, the answer is "yes." Otherwise, why ask this questions. Are you "a controlling, patriarchal male" because you prefer monogamy? No, but I can't answer that question from what you've posted. If you are a controlling, patriarchal male it is because you are a controlling patriarchal male, not because you prefer monogamy.

On the other hand, your post does focus on you and doesn't mention whether you are helping your partner(s) on their spiritual path through the practices of sacred spirituality. This, combined with the very fact that you are concerned that you might be a controlling, patriarchal male, implies that it may be so.

However, from your post, I would say this is a good thing(!). One of the things I like to say is that "The realization of ignorance is the beginning of wisdom." This is analogous to your realization that you might be a controlling and patriarchal male, two expressions that you seem to imply (and I would agree) are not positive. Therefore, you can act on that realization to change, to not be controlling, and to not be patriarchal. You can do this within a monogamous relationship and achieve a state where you and your partner can achieve what you determine to be the results of sacred sexuality.

Good luck and have fun on the path that lies ahead!

Great question Jon,
Monogamy as it is practiced in "conventional" patriarchal society is "wrong" in that it is unhealthy for our species' further survival. "It" is breeding generations successively less capable of authentic, mature, genuinely loving, engagement.

As my partner(s) and I have come to view it, "monogamy" or primary paired, is a natural-genetic instinct and needs to be satisfied and fulfilled at a fundamental level in order to support the higher possibility of love's expression through inclusion of another(s). With the "known" strength and stability of the primary pair, opening and expanding into more love with another becomes possible. Women don't see the other woman as competition, men don't see the other man as an usurper/challenger. Both see the third as a compliment and expanded expression of the central love that is already there.

The process takes a lot of self-observation and ego-stripping. Agenda's are not supported or tolerated. Authentic expression and "showing up" consciously are all imperatives for the process not to fall into egoic gamesmanship or wound-playing.

-And the place you arrive at is wonderful, amazing, and life fulfilling! *smile*

Love and Light,
Sunyata


www.mythiclove.net/sunyata

No Jon, monogamy is not wrong. Actually it can be quite wonderful.

Howdy ya all.
Wrong for who? As us old Hippies have always said, "Different strokes for different Folks". Sacred sexuality with a single partner can be very powerful. You have a connection that is ongoing and very strong. You know each other well. You can come in and out of altered states of consciousness together easily. This is the path that many people choose.
Others like different partners at different times depending on their intentions in creating sacred sexuality. Some folks like to be involved with a group of others during sacred sex. And don't forget that you can create solo sacred sexual space.
There is no right or wrong way to do this. It all depends on what works for you.
Blessings
Simon

My Bible begins, "Once upon a time..." That said...Ever here that song by Bernadette Peters, "I do it best"? I've practiced sacred sex alone. And wooeeee...just took some imagination. I've done it in groups, but I never know who I'm suppose to be with. And I've done it one-on-on. I must say I prefer one-on-one myself. I'm just not sure what sacred sex and monogamy have in common. Monogamy has nothing to do with sacredness, I don't believe. But I'd say to do whatever feels most comfortable to you.

I am only 22 but I do believe in Monogamy! I was raised as such! My Mum and Dah are the only people in my family who firmly believe that too. That is why I have close to 15grandparents. Long story and even worse family reunions if there ever was one.
I Love being able to trust fully and completely the person you deside to share your sacred temple to! Its beautiful and freeing! I know my man worships my temple as much as I worship his. I love it! With that knowledge of each others bodies and mind we are comepletely happy to take on an extra person in our bed to liven things up sometime too. Trust, Talk and Love keep a monogamous relationship healtlhy.
I'm sure being around the bush and pole a few times with others is a blast but settleing and have children with one man is just peachie for me. My son would think so too when he comes around to talking. LOL!
All though if some do choose to get around, one can only ask for them to be safe.

How on earth could monogamy be wrong? If the people in the relationship are the sort who like to pair for life then let them. Provided you aren't abusing each-other nobody can tell you how you should or shouldn't conduct your romantic relationships. It far is too personal of a thing for there to be one set of rules that works for everybody. If monogamy works for you, great! If polyamoury works for you, great! If swinging works for you, great! It's about what works for the people involved.

Do you believe in the books, or yourself? And if the books... depends who's book you read.
There is "natural vs manmade" in which case... monogamy differs per individual, and at differend times in their lives. From personal experience (and we all benefit by speaking of ourselves only.. no generalizations) at different times I've naturally felt urges to move on to serial monogamy and abandon my tiring marriage. I have not, and can tell you it feels unnatural to fight urges to create a new monogamous relationship. Ever hear of the 7 year itch? that describes nature and human tendencies. Affairs, prostitution, or divorce... those may stem from natures programmatical imposition on being human. Can that be right or wrong? Its all subjective opinion.

The question of sacred.... I personally believe we can achieve some things within monogamy, and other queries into spirit, mind, body must be with new relationships and during the first phase of coupling. Once relationships reach maturity, there are some connections that can no longer be made... but new connections that arise. All depends on what you are learning and experiencing at a certain time in your journey.

Not any more than any of the other relationship models are. If you're honest - completely honest - and have the informed consent of everyone you're involved in (pun intended), then no model is inherently wrong. If that's the way everyone involved wants it to be, and if it's done fairly and openly, then the terms of the social contract are being upheld and it's good.

A lot of people have posted very good comments about the fact that, biblical creation myth (please read Joseph Campbell before you attack me for use of this word which does NOT assume or imply that the story is or is not factual) aside, pure reckless abandon is what science now tells us was our original mating strategy. Screw anyone you can "catch." It must have been great fun.

Why, then, did human behavior change in 15% of societies? Three words: sexually transmitted disease. You have more kids if you get into a steady relationship than if you get killed (or cast out) because you caught something that makes you hurt and break out in warts/pox/whatever. I sure won't make it with you if you have. As humans became more mobile, more populous and even more copulous, human sex became a breeding ground for diseases, several of which are still with us and we all know one which has joined us recently.

Quite simply: pure uncontrolled random sex doesn't last long because it's not safe. If you want to be totally naked when you have sex, then fidelity becomes a biological imperitive, whether mono, poly or whatever. If you don't mind wearing a condom, welder's mask or whatever it takes, then other options become available at relatively low risk. Still, all involved or affected parties must agree to these risks because you expose your next lay to every sexual risk you've taken to date (or at least since your last complete clean bill of health).

Monogamy evolved out of defense, and therefore it's natural, too - it's just not even close to our original strategy.