Sounds like you are suffering from depression. Getting your physical health back into alignment will often help the mental thoughts that you expressed.


There are many things you can try first (before doctors and meds).

Get more sun. Take walks for the fresh air and sun.
Try yoga or tai chi--
Deep breathing techniques
Do special things as treats for yourself...even if it is as simple as a cup of tea or putting a flower in a vase.
Eat healthy. Drink water. Get a normal amount of sleep---7-8 hours, less or more will affect you negatively.
Make your bedroom a sanctuary so that your sleep is of good quality...if you snore, get checked for sleep apnea which can ruin the benefits of what little sleep you do get, and is linked to other such health problems as heart attacks!!!!


Many times, the enormous pressures of what seem to be massive tasks can put us into paralysis...it does for me. So, I only focus on today. I ask myself what one task can I do today that will move me one more step closer to where I want to be. That was the only way I ever got through the process to buy my first house two years ago. I would just sit and panic about it until I asked myself for only one task.

Stop watching TV...especially the news. it's a real sucker of life....and I'm a news addict. If I have to have it, I try to watch weather.....somehow not so depressing as fascinating to me.

Go to the library---maybe you can read up on some stuff to help in your job search. It will also get you out of the house, but you don't have to interact with people if you don't want to.

I've been laid off. I've been fired. I've panicked because even the current job barely pays the bills.

If you start a negative thought, cut yourself off....scratch it like a bad record. Keep doing that, and like a scratched record, you won't be able to play that negative thought again.

Find a way to nurture or volunteer others--- people or animals. Often helping others really helps boost our own moods.

Good luck.
T

Real friends would want to hear you moan and groan until their ears fell off if that's what you were really thinking and feeling. Being QA doesn't mean dealing with difficult issues completely along, so, why not find someone/somewhere (tribe?) to complain until you feel better and stay committed to taking care of yourself and finding people who accept you in your best and worst times.

Regarding being depressed or just down and out, this might sound stupid, but I had some success with a list of goals that I had to meet every single day and a visual reminder of them. The goals were simple and achievable like: learn one new thing, drink 6 bottles of water, take one beautiful photograph, etc. For each goal, I chose a glass bead and made a bracelet as a way to stay on top of it and remind myself that everyday I had to make time for these 10 things. The goals included doing one nice thing for myself, which proved to be important. Glass beads aren't for everyone, but maybe some alternative could keep you moving toward self fulfillment and more happiness. Definitely wouldn't work for everyone, but it made a huge difference to me.

Not that the world isn't messed up or lives don't get that way, but to me, it feels better to be working toward something than simply getting lost in the chaos of it all. Be kind and patient with yourself.

I know the feeling.

Sometimes I have so much negativity I feel the need to express and can't because I fear it will drive people away...

At some point in my twenties I learned sort of an art that you'll only see me do in person, I never do it on the internet, where I'll almost make a comedy routine to get people to laugh as I describe the things that really bother me as if they were a joke. It sort of makes what I want to share easier for others to stomach, and allows me to express a few thigns I want to say in a way that is pleasurable to hear.

Rodney Dangerfeild was like a master at this, in the modern day that guy "Black" (forgot first name) on "the Daily show" is really wonderful at doing this politifcally, of if you are more subtle Andy Rooney from 60 minutes. As a QA I don't always feel comfortable getting too emotionally close to people, so I use humor as a way of keeping a space while exchanging everything... if it's a performance I can keep an insulation there. It's odd, it's a pantomime... of myself... but it's not really myself... damned if i can explain the difference but I know there is one. The real self just wants to scream, cry, freak out... the pantomime self takes the energy of it and does a comical scream, fake cries, does a freak out that Chris Farley would be proud of... people laugh and applaud instead of feel sorry for me which somehow makes me feel better in a strange way.

I don't like it when people feel sorry for me, but I need to vent like everyone.

Anyway, don't know if that's a tactic you want to take, everyone is different, but you never know... you may like it if a part of you is a bit of a ham.

I agree with Tehara on getting checked for clinical depression in the meantime, not like as if on meds you won't have a shitty day, but at least when the bad moments are past you'll be able to escape that emotion rather than dwell on them and enjoy your weekends at least.

(((Patrick))) It's tough....but I think it is important to have people you can reach out to even when things are going badly. I really only have one friend like that, don't know what I'd do without her. But most people I know...they only want to hear it minimally. I'm hoping to find more friend-friends rather than just aquaintances......family outside of family I suppose. But I wonder how much that really exists? People seem to just get wrapped up in their significant others and/or families and forget deeper connections with their friends sometimes...