Long term affairs

topic posted Sat, March 17, 2007 - 12:54 PM by  Second
I am curious to know whether anyone has any experience of coping with a long term affair, where the married partner has no intention of leaving their spouse.


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United Kingdom
  • Re: Long term affairs

    Sat, March 17, 2007 - 2:03 PM
    One of my closest friends has been in an affair for 17 years. He eventually got divorced 4 years ago and bought his own place and his 'mistress' was going to move in with him - but he decided that he didn't want her to move in.

    He admits that he is a serial adulteror and that he has been seeing other woman over the years.

    So, after 17 years, she's still only a part time lover.
  • Re: Long term affairs

    Sun, March 18, 2007 - 2:16 PM
    btw - what do you consider a long term affair?

    Are you asking the question as a 'mistress' or wronged spouse? Curious to know what your situation is.
    • Re: Long term affairs

      Sun, April 8, 2007 - 6:29 PM
      I'd like to know what my "lovers" thought, one accidentally said "our kids are going to be weird" and then tried to save it. The other I got into a fight with about a year after the affair ended and he threatened to kill himself and my husband "Because killing (my husband) was the only way he could hurt me" so I guess he didn't deal with it so well.
      • Unsu...

        Re: Long term affairs

        Mon, June 25, 2007 - 4:47 AM
        Possessive insecure guys.

        Strange really. He has such an opportunity to channel those powerful emotions, sublimate them to ecstacy.

        I wish I could feel so moved...
        • Re: Long term affairs

          Mon, June 25, 2007 - 3:30 PM
          The sad thing is he denied he ever threatened me about a year after that. I would have forgiven him if he'd just admitted he said it. He's dead to me now. He chose drinking over me.

          His Loss.
          • Unsu...

            Re: Long term affairs

            Tue, June 26, 2007 - 7:13 AM
            He never chose you in the first place. His *feelings* were far more important to him than anything else. And when you threatened his feelings, he became violent. All this perception of 'love' , it's just an illusion. It's what he believes you to be, wants you to be, and wont accept anything else, in his mind. Same with women who are possessive of men. It is not the man that they're possessive about. It is their fear of losing that feeling they covet within their bosom for that man. He has little to do with what is going on in her mind.

            Love addicts in particular will fling themselves from one heady emotional entanglement to another, looking for that hit, that rush of infatuation. And then they try and control their object of infatuation. They cannot help themselves but be concerned that their self induced but object initiated love 'drug' is going to taken away from them, thus causing withdrawal.
            • Re: Long term affairs

              Wed, June 27, 2007 - 12:41 PM
              Thats probably why I identify more as a "Crushaholic" or even a "Sex Addict" than a Love Addict.

              You are totally right, I find jealous, possessive actions a turn off, and its probably because people who are jealous and possessive tend to care more about their own feelings than the other person. It's one reason I decided to stay with my husband, in the end, he was willing to accept his jealous feelings and understand that those were HIS feelings and own them, while accepting me for who I am without trying to change me. That's love.

              I happily left my first lover when he found a long term girlfriend. The only time I remember being jealous were times when I was deeply insecure with myself and that's probably why I find jealousy and possessiveness such a turn off. They are signs of insecurity, and insecurity just isn't sexy.
  • Re: Long term affairs

    Wed, August 15, 2007 - 12:55 PM
    I was involved in one that lasted over a year. A record really for me.

    I am married too, but obviously not happily.

    He was nothing but a selfish jerk I guess when you come down to it.

    It's been over over a week and I am broken hearted regardless. He doens't care though.

    I wish I could find the love of my life. Am too old now I fear. Am thinking of moving out of the state just to nurse myself back to who I once was and forget about the past.
    • Re: Long term affairs

      Sun, July 11, 2010 - 3:52 AM
      there is hope for you. it is never too late. some people have to leave your life for right ones to come into your life. if he cannot place high value on you, he is not worth a relationship. so, stay encouraged.
  • Re: Long term affairs

    Wed, October 3, 2007 - 9:42 PM
    I have been in a relationship for 2 years and for the past year - a long distance one. My lover has chosen comittment (how ironic) and obligation to his spouse and family over me. I don't doubt that he loves me but certainly not enough to give up his family. His wife has bi-polar and is an alcoholic. I give him the love, the friendship and the emotional support that he doesn't get at home. He says he loves his family but he is in love with me.

    I will be the first to admitt that it is not easy to cope with an affair with no real future, especially when you are really in love. I ride the emotional roller coaster everyday. I know eventually I will have to let go but when is there a good time? My suggestion is - before you get involved with a person you can never have as your own, just be aware of the consequence - it can be more bitter then sweet. And one more thing - everyone gets caught eventually.
    • Re: Long term affairs

      Sat, October 6, 2007 - 11:11 AM
      Bi polar people are hard to deal with, and I am saying that as a bi polar person. Your lover would probably not be able to maintain his relationship with his wife without you or some other lover, so he really is choosing commitment, in a way, to both of you. Its probable that his wife is having affairs as well. Bi Polar people are prone it it. A bi Polar person is literally like two different people. If she is an alcoholic as well she does not have her disease under control and probably has no interest in controlling it. I've worked very hard to become stable, and it takes hard work. If you can, get out of this quagmire and find yourself someone who isn't already tied to a co-dependent relationship. People who are willing to stick it out with bi polar people are in it for the long haul. Your lover may even be maintaining his relationship with his wife in part because he would rather take care of her than deal with his own issues, in which case he's an emotional time bomb. I found that out the hard way.
    • Re: Long term affairs

      Mon, October 22, 2007 - 3:25 PM
      I agree it is such a roller coaster
      • Re: Long term affairs

        Mon, December 17, 2007 - 3:18 PM
        I was/am the victim. Was, because it happened a number of years ago. Am, because it still effects me. My wife of about ten years, at the time, became involved with a man I believed was a personal friend. A man I knew professionaly. A man we socialized with a man I had in my home, a man I trusted. I had been unfaithful to my wife with two women. Just an afternoon with one, and an evening and weekend with another. I had sex with the other women for a total of ten times or less. My wife was suspicious and believed I had had numerous affairs with numerous women, she was wrong. Mostly I was running with single guys I worked with or rode motorcycles with. I was acting a fool but not fucking around seriously. Ed was recently divorced and hungery for sex and hungery for revenge. His wife had an affair and left him for the other man. He made a play for my wife, and she went for it. Ed and I worked in the same profession and gave each other work and worked for some of the same companies. As a result he knew where I was and what I was doing during the day. My wife knew where I was the rest of the time. They conspired, minipulated, lied to and misdirected me all over the place. He lived alone and my wife could go to his house anytime; after work, after community college, classes, instead of or after or prior to buying groceries etc, going to visit her mother or friends. He could come to my house while I was at work. They would meet two to three times a week. This went on for more than 18 months. He cried about his wive leaving him, told her how lucky I was to have her and how beautiful she was. He gave her alcohol, pot and cocain and seduced her when her libido, sympathy, and anger were high and her resistance was not. At first he loved her, needed her, wanted her to leave me, wanted to marry when his divorce was final, wanted to be a father of our children. As time passed he became involved with other women, had other affairs. He fucked an old flame, slept with a toppless dancer and had another girl friend. My wife and he would have big fights and she would walk,out vowing to never return. He would wait for a time then call her and say he needed her, was sorry, and that he loved her. More sex more lies more unfaithfulness from both of them. I was suspicious that she was having an affair but I figured with someone from school. Ed was just not her type at all; macho, quick tempered, agressive, not the type of man she prefered at all. I was the clown cuckhold personified. She eventually confessed to me, a complete suprise to me. Just said she wanted to talk, she wanted the truth about my other women. Then told me about her affair with Ed. I freaked. I had been faithful for three years or more by then, intent on building a home and raising our children. She blamed the affair on me telling me that if I had not been unfaithful she would never have become involved. She claimed her self esteem was low and so when Ed made advances and came on to her she thought 'I deserve it, why not." She did not realize that she would become so involved, that she would need to fall in love to justify all the sex. She had no idea it would become so cheap and sordid. I dealt with it by forgiving her, I deeply loved her, and continue to. I brushed it aside, accepted the blame and tried to go on with life. Now several years later I am having bad dreams, feeling anger, remorse, depression. I'm on an emotional rollercoster; highs lows love anger, bad dreams. My self esteem is vey low at times, I'm having trouble sleeping, and I have never had that problem before. I feel like someone realizing they were abused as a child or somthing. Like post tramuatic stress. At times it is all I can think about. This is all so unlike me, I feel like I am going insane. I feel I can't trust her but have no desire to attempt to control her. Jealously is such a negative emotion. I wish she would have divorced me then or we would have split at the time she confessed but we did not. What hurts the most is that I was so used. The woman I loved lied, cheated, was dishonest. She acted completely out of character. She is a loving protective mother, a faithful friend, a really good and loving person. She says she doesn't even know who that person was anymore. She tells me it was a long time ago and I need to get over it, she doesn't want to talk about it. Be careful be honest be loving and allow yourself to be loved. Avoid lieing, cheating, being where you should not be with people you should not be with. What goes around just may come around so I try to live by the motto that if it would not feel good if it happened to you, don't do it to another. As the christains say "do to others what you would have them do to you."
  • Re: Long term affairs

    Thu, January 17, 2008 - 6:26 PM
    WE TV's Secret Lives of Women Casting for The Other Woman/Mistresses!!!!!!

    This documentary series is in its 3rd season and we are looking for women who are dating married men to share their stories.

    Every woman has a secret and this program educates our audience about the day-to-day struggles and triumphs of today’s women. We want to know what it’s like to walk a mile in your shoes. This is your chance to tell your own story in your own words.

    Please email with your story, a photo and your contact info.
    • Re: Long term affairs

      Fri, January 18, 2008 - 8:53 AM
      <spam comment>

      Jesus christ. It's a guy talking about his ex. How in the world is this appropriate? Take FIVE SECONDS to look what you're posting in!
      • Re: Long term affairs

        Fri, January 18, 2008 - 2:30 PM
        I tend to disagree, My wife watches that show all the time, find when the women are very informative they have had women that cheat, women who are swingers, ones into kink, phone sex, lesbians, I think it is appropiate place to talk about
    • Re: Long term affairs

      Fri, April 11, 2008 - 3:23 PM
      I have been involved in log term affair for 20 years. Let me tell you ladies and gentlemen, it is so complicated that I get lost with all of the details. His wife has known from about the beginning and we have, in the past, met and talked. I do love this man, but it has taken me quite a few years to come to grips with all of it. Shame, blame, hurt, love, hate, the whole gamut
      The first item that I would like to address is how it does affect the children. I was a single parent and I had a toddler child when it started and he had two. I was young and naive and did not know much about the minds of MEN. I can say for certain that it has had a huge impact on our children. With mine, who is a girl, I had to be honest as she saw this man in her home on a regular basis. When she was old enough she asked questions and I answered then as truthfully as I could. She seems to have faired better that his children who grew up with a TOTAL LIE. I do think that my child has some residual relationship issues, but I think telling and talking about the truth of the situation helped. As for his children, who are both girls, they have not faired so well. For one, their mother involved them by telling them that their father had girlfriend and gave them too many details for children. Then moving forward she continued her life with him (for the sake of the children I suppose) and exposing them to all of the lies and cheating, and pretending life was okay. Please let me say to anyone out there who cares, the children suffered emotionally and the model of their family is extremely warped. So when any of us say that we stay together for the children, it is a BIG, HUGE lie, second only to "the check is n the mail". When there is a sham of relationship in the home that is what you are teaching your children relationships are like. They learn from mom and dad.
      I do have many regrets and a whole myriad of issues from this relationship that I am trying to work out. After 20 years and many attempts to put a stop to the relationship I am finally getting professional help. Even now, he begs me not to leave him and that he loves me and needs me. Well that may be true to some extent, but he has his cake, eats his cake and now he is gagging on it. I am in the process of leaving him and he is very angry at me for doing so. Enter the complications.
      I do have a question directed at a wife of a cheating spouse, if you know that he is cheating and continuing to cheat, why do you accept it and expose children to that kind of relationship? That is a quandary for me. I know that I did somewhat the same to my child, but I did tell the truth and sought therapy for her. His girls had no such luck.
      Even now preparing to move far away it is tough going. 20 years and lots of emotions later. I know now that I would not want to marry this man eve if he was available. Not so much that he would most likely do the same to me, but that it was okay to live a total lie wth family. He thought that money was more important than love honor and truth. It took me this long to finally understand the manipulation. Men with power and money.
      I do sometimes feel bad for the wife, but like I said, she absolutely knew. She could of done some things different too, but we all do what we do and hopefully learn something along the way.
      For my final comment today to all of the Mistresses out there, Do not fool yourself about them leaving. If they do not do it within the first year, maybe two, it us not going to happen (as I have heard every story in the book) so if you do not want to be a long term mistress, I strongly suggest that you get out as quickly as you can. I could go on and on but it is time for work and I must go. This is written from the heart. Trying to figure it all out.
      • lee
        offline 0

        Re: Long term affairs

        Tue, June 5, 2012 - 6:07 AM
        Crystal, I am in your exact situation, but it's been 9 years, not 20 and I have a son. But everything is exact to a T. I have expressed the same concerns about his adult daughters to both he and his wife as she and I have talked many times.
        I am now in the process of breaking up. The pain and sacrifices have been horrendous and I just can't take anymore. I am finally realizing and truly believing that I deserve better and that he is not worthy of me for the same reasons you listed.
        I would like to know how your break up went and what you might have gone through. How have you faired? How has he faired? Mine of course is doing as yours did. He is using the same lies and promises he always has. Says he can't imagine life without me, etc.
        It has been a few years now for you, I would be very interested to hear of your experience thru and after the break up. Perhaps it could bring me some encouragement as I go through mine. Thank you for sharing your story.
  • Re: Long term affairs

    Mon, April 14, 2008 - 10:30 AM
    Hi All,
    Am in a similar position to Second, although my guy reckons he's gonna leave his spouse - but when?! We've known each other since our schooldays and have been involved for the past 3 years almost. I don't really know that there is any advice on how to cope with these situations as they are all so different, but the one thing I would say is that those of us in similar positions should support each other!

    My friends say that if he was going to leave then he would have done it by now, and of course there's a lot of sense in that, but it doesn't stop you thinking that if you just hang on a bit longer it might happen. Guess its a bit of a circular problem and the trick is finding out if and where to make the break or whether to 'put up' with it.
    • Re: Long term affairs

      Wed, April 16, 2008 - 7:23 AM
      Unfortunatlely, if they do not make the break in the first year, maybe two, they have no intention of doing it at all. At that point we have become enablers for their issues, My advice after 20 years is do not waste your time waiting unless the relationship/situtation is convenient for you and you do not care avout having a true full-time partner.
  • Re: Long term affairs

    Wed, April 16, 2008 - 7:08 AM
    I have been in 1 20 year affair and my married partner has no intention of leaving. How can I help?
    • Re: Long term affairs

      Sat, September 27, 2008 - 5:31 AM
      A comment on the mind of man,
      an old saying;

      "why buy a cow when milk is free"
      • Re: Long term affairs

        Sat, September 27, 2008 - 9:26 PM
        huh? could you be a little more cliche, please? I logged on to read that shit? God, it is so much more complicated than that. Sorry, but I must call you out. People may or may not want to commit for any number of reasons. People have affairs for as many reasons as there are affairs. "Why buy the cow when the milk is free?" I mean, who hasn't heard that one a million times? Its not even necessarily true. How about the scientific evidence that humans are by nature polyandrous? That this whole monogamy bullshit is a 2000 year old tradition rooted more in culture than in nature? That people get bored? That people change? That its fucking unrealistic to think someone you met in your god damned teens is the only perfect person to be with for the next 50 years? How about "why shouldn't I fuck my hot 26 year old co worker?" How about "Why should I obey an arbitrary judeo christian rule when my husband is a fucking atheist?" How about that people have and have had long term "affairs" that ended up being good for everyone all around? "why buy the cow when the milk is free?" give me a fucking break.
        • Re: Long term affairs

          Sat, October 4, 2008 - 3:15 AM
          Yes it was cliche, it was meant to be. A comment on the mind of man as a gender not as a species. Another cliche "women can fake an orgasm, men can fake an entire relationship" I have never met or know or heard of women manipulating a man for sex. Seeking out a man, any man, lying to him misleading him with lies and falsehoods just to have sex with him. Typically it is the woman waiting for the man to leave his SA. He doesn't. The single male having an affair with the married woman doesn't want her to leave her husband. "why buy a cow when the milk is free" Once again a comment on man, the gender.
          • Re: Long term affairs

            Sun, October 5, 2008 - 10:50 PM
            What are you talking about? Do you live in a cave? An island of only men? Women do it, too. Women do it for all sorts of things, sex included. I personally have manipulated men for sex. Last time I checked, I was a woman. I'm pretty sure I was a woman when I did it. Let me check again.... yep, my vagina is still there, boobs? check. "Why buy the cow when the milk is free?" is just a tired trite old saying, not an insight.
            And don't tell me a single man having an affair with a married woman doesn't want her to leave her husband when my lover let it slip that he was thinking about having kids with me. I never even talked about having kids. I don't want them.
            • Re: Long term affairs

              Wed, October 22, 2008 - 4:02 PM
              Why ae you so angry with me?
              • Re: Long term affairs

                Sun, November 2, 2008 - 1:18 PM
                Because what you said was trite and thoughtless and didn't really have anything to do with a fairly serious discussion.
                Then you said it was supposed to be trite, and in the process of that, you were being sexist and your tone was condescending.

                If you wanted to be trite and say something trite that everyone has heard a million times you should have started your own thread of trite sayings. It's a character flaw that I have where I like to read insights that are original and thoughtful. Its another character flaw that I have that I don't like to be condescended to.

                The truth is that I'm not angry at you, I am angry with what you said, in the tone you said it, and in the context. My marriage has survived two long term affairs and I'm a reformed adulterer, which is a difficult process and similar to being an addict in recovery. I see this tribe as a support group, and your flippancy offended me.
        • Re: Long term affairs

          Tue, March 31, 2009 - 11:46 PM
          I'm afraid I have to agree with this. There are no monogamous mammals. Our social fabric vis a vis the church AND state have created an unnatural expectation of monogamy largely based on who inherits the dough. Husbands don't want their wives bastard kids to inherit the loot. Due to sexual liberation, more women than ever are engaging in extramarital tristes while continuing to play at wife and mother. After all of the developmental tasks have been achieved, than what? You have a 50 year old hottie who still feels pretty good about herself, but must live a dual life to feel satisfied.
          Recently, I found out that a friend of mine, aged 49, has begun a promiscuous lifestyle while her husband is out of town on business. She trolls for "Mr. Goodbar" and has serial sex with strangers. I worry about what might happen, but understand her need for being touched and nurtured as a woman.
          As for myself, I have been in an on again, off again relationship with the same man for over 20 years. I have been married for 32. My lover, who is also married, and I have a wonderful ability to share in experimental sex and manage to be best friends at the same time. My husband is a wonderful man, but tends to be physically unavailable in many ways. We do still engage in sex (occasionally), but honestly he is much more interested in the NCAA playoffs. Why don't I leave? Economics, strong feelings for someone I have known since I was 16, not wanting to trade one husband for another (is that the frying pan or the fire?--depends on the guy I guess). Instead, what I do have to deal with is a lot of guilt, and daily questioning who I am. Do I leave? Do I stay? Do I pick one? Do I move out on my own with all the difficulties that would entail? Or do I just satisfy myself with living with the status quo?
  • Re: Long term affairs

    Sat, February 7, 2009 - 9:13 AM
    I have been in my affair for four years. I left my marriage the first year we were together. My ex husband knows, he took it well, and we're still friends. As a matter of fact, we moved back in together to co-parent.
    My married partner, on the other hand, hasn't left, and I am not sure if he will. He is afraid of leaving his children. I have offered to move back to where he lives, which is a few hours away if he would leave his marriage, however, he is still too afraid. We come from a small town and he is worried about how it would impact him. In some ways, I don't blame him, it is a small conservative town, and the backlash would be pretty hard. We keep in touch through a private email account and I see him when I go up there or he comes here, usually every couple of months. It's hard sometimes. I have to wonder what the hell I am doing some days. Other days, I know I would rather live like this than being in an unhappy marriage.
    So yes, I am the long term mistress. Who knows what the future holds?
  • Re: Long term affairs

    Sun, March 8, 2009 - 6:46 AM
    I have been in an affair with a married man for two years now. I am considering leaving, although we love each other dearly. He is never leaving his marriage. I know that. His wife found out, and he wanted us to still stay together, and we have. he has told her otherwise of course. I am actually polyamorous but his wife isn't. He already discussed that with her. I am thinking of leaving because although I know he loves me, I also know that our relationship also plays a role for him by helping him to stay married, as he is committed to his family deeply, but is emotionally disconnected from his wife. An affair allows him to be able to stay married. I don't know what I should do. He wants to figure out a way for us to have a future together as an outside relationship. Its not that I don't see that as possible. It's been done many times. But it's the idea that our relationship is actually allowing him to stay married that I'm torn about. On one hand I could see it as its helping him fulfill something that he's deeply committed about. It's not just about his wife, it's their community, family, and more. However, I could also see it as helping him stay married, where him being married is the only thing that limits our experience and life together, so I am helping something that inadvertently hurts me. Polite feedback from other women or men who have been in an affair is welcome.
  • Re: Long term affairs

    Mon, March 23, 2009 - 6:52 AM
    I have been having an affair with a married man for almost 14 years now. I have found it to be pretty heart breaking for the most part and can't imagine how i managed to last this long. I struggle with my emotions from week to week. I accept the situation for what it is when i'm ok, then i can't tolerate it any longer when i'm not. I love this man very much, and i believe that it is mutual, but i know in my heart he will never leave his wife and family, but still i hang on in there,why? Blind faith? It has come to a head recently, i have turned 40, i'm single, very lonely, and i have no children (this man is the only man i ever met who i wanted to have a family with) he had the snip many years ago by the way. I have become increasingly resentful towards him lately, he has less time for me due to work worries, i still love him very much but the lonliness, jealousy, no future prospects and worries that i will regret never having kids (now it's a bit too late) have finally taken their toll. I think my faith in him has finally legged it. Whenever we have talked about our future, (he has never told me he would leave) he always comes out with "you never know what's going to happen", he never says he will leave, but he never says he won't. Me being a romantic fool, and always the 'love will conquer all in the end' type of person, has let me end up here, in this awful goddam situation. I left him last week (not the first time) but i can't begin to tell you how hard i find it to cope without him in my life at all. He's stonewalling me at the moment, he is not very good at talking about his emotions, this just makes it harder for me to cope with the split as i'm so lonely and don't have anyone i can discuss this with, he's not just my lover he is my best friend too. Oh, that's another thing, it's not the kind of relationship normal (married) friends/family wish to discuss, i always feel so ashamed.
    Anyone have any advice for me, that would be nice, but please be gentle as i am more than a bit fragile.

    • Re: Long term affairs

      Sun, March 29, 2009 - 8:15 AM
      I too have been in a long term affair with a married man! Nine long years! I am in love with him and have been for many years! He is not going to leave his wife and children! What I can't figure out is why he has continued this affair for so long! Does he care for me? I have certainly believed that he cares for me and loves me or why would he risk everything by continuing this affair and why have I stayed? The truth probably is....because he can! Because I let him! I am sure his wife knows and she does nothing! He knows I love him and will stay with him! There have been many break ups over the years that leave me heartbroken, but within a few weeks of each break up he is back in my life with new zest and zeal, again I let him back in my life! Right now I am not sure that he ever loved me, but just wanted to control me! AND men wonder why women are crazy.....they drive us crazy! I have decided it is time to just walk away and disappear from his life! I decided that I love myself a whole lot more than I love him...finally! It will be difficult for me to walk away as I am devastated and heartbroken, but it is certainly in my best interest! All the good memories continue to haunt me, some days it is all I can think about! BUT...the bottom line is that he is toxic and I need to take care of me....finally take care of me! I initially blamed him! We are really both to blame as 9 years is a long time! The truth is, I let this happen and accept most of the blame! When we met I was very lonely and starving for affection! I am a strong woman, but let this man in my life only to allow him and the situation to break my heart! It will take some time, but I am walking away and plan to take the high road! I still love him very much, will miss him very much and will think of him often. But I am done! I am out! I would like to understand the why and the how! But I know I never will! So lets all chalk these things up to bad decisions on our parts and never let them happen again! Because as we all can see.....we are the ones with the broken hearts and the married men we love will just move on to the next woman who opens the door. At this point, I feel sorry for him! He is the one who has to rationalize his behavior for the last 9 years. He is the one, who I never asked him to leave his wife, who claims to love his wife. I am sure he does, but how does a man love his wife and carry on a 9 year affair with the same woman? I guess that is no longer my problem! I will be strong, again...I hope it comes sooner rather than later! So to all you guys and gals outh there in long term affairs......IT IS TIME TO WALK AWAY AND FIND SOMEONE WHO TRULY LOVES YOU! And it is not the person you are with NOW!
    • ron
      offline 0

      Re: Long term affairs

      Mon, April 30, 2012 - 6:51 AM
      I can relate to your situation. I've been in a 30 year affair with a married women and "better late than never", I'm ending it. It is not an easy process after all these years. I've tried many times, but it was always just too easy to go back instead of facing the pain of a break-up. I thought I was in love, but now know I was using her to avoid any permanate commitment. We used each other. I blamed her for many years for not leaving her husband, but I was to blame for not facing reality. She was never going to leave him, and deep down I was glad she didn't. In retrospect, I can see we would not have worked together. The sex was great, but she was always seeking attention from other guys and I could not have tolerated this in a partner. I believe she has borderling histronic personality disorder. She needed attention to self validate. Anyway, that's not my problem, it's hers.
      My advice is to step outside of yourself. Use your "minds eye" and see what is happening to your life. Happiness comes from within. No other person can make you happy. Live life for yourself and don't depend on another to complete you. Learn to respect yourself.
    • lee
      offline 0

      Re: Long term affairs

      Tue, June 5, 2012 - 6:13 AM
      Lisa, would like to know how you faired. I'm in your boat after 9 years in the relationship and ready to leave due to the pain and sacrifices I have made. Of course, there is so much more, but I would probably be telling you your own story. Please let me know your status and update.
  • Re: Long term affairs

    Sun, April 12, 2009 - 12:39 PM
    Omg reading all these situations makes me feel even worse but a little more hopefull i too have the worry of im not sure if my man loves me its a long a complicated story...... i have been having an affair with a man for a year who was living with his girlfriend they had been together for a year and 3 months when the affair started (and i was not the first afair he had had whilst being with this woman) well on january the 8th she found out for deffinate we were having an affair and she then chucked him out and everything went a bit mad he moved into his own place and we were still seeing each other but he was confused and i wanted to give him space to get things sorted in his head so did not push heim was just there when he wanted me to be or if he needed me he started to say to me he was moving on and still wanted me not neccesarily to do girlfriendy stuff just yet but the possibity was there i was happy with that ... then on the 5th Feb he came into work (we work together) after he had said he would text me how his meeting had gone with his then x as he wanted things to be amicable but instead after promting he sent me a text saying he loved his girlfriend and wanted to be with her i was very upset and spoke to his girlfriend telling her we had been seeing each other in the time they had split as i know he had told her otherwise -- any way this was just my way to hurt him and it worked cause she hardly knew any of what i told her and she did not know it had been going on for a year up to three times a week in some cases i dont know why but i wanted to hurt them both - wrong i know - i was angry for a week but then i got upset as his gf had said how stupid i was to think he liked me etc so i needed some answers he had tried to contact through email at work and i was having none of it we work quiet closly so it was hard and noticable but i gave in and decided i needed to talk to him so we had a long email discussion and i did feel better he still said he loved her and was not sure it would work and that he would not cheat on her again but a week after this we had been texting again and had phone sex we then got back to having an affair behind the same womens back mine is slight revenge on both of them as they were both so adimant he would not cheat and i promise you i was no tigress hunting him he came to me and initiated every move but i did let him i have since then found that i think i love him due to the ammount of emotion he can stir in me be it hatred or love ........ so now he is trying to make it work with his girlfriend and having an affair with me truely he can not love her if after 2 weeks of commitng to her again he wanted me ????? so confusing but if there is the slightest chance i can have him i will be there waiting in the wings xx
  • Re: Long term affairs

    Sun, May 24, 2009 - 2:56 PM
    I was just reading through these sad posts and noticed that mistresses have asked a couple of times "why won't he leave his wife?"

    I am the wife who has been cheated on and I will tell you why he won't leave me.

    1. I cook, clean, pay the bills, raise his children, host his parties, wash his socks, pick up his dry cleaning, mail the Christmas cards, help care for his mom or dad, keep the toilet paper and toothpaste stocked where he can easily find it.

    2. I don't drink, smoke, have bi-polar disorder or other mental disorder. He's lying to me, you think he isn't lying to you??

    3. Our sex is great. Again, you're being lied to. He wants his cake and yours and he wants to eat both.

    4. He isn't proud of you. He can't take you to his parents or the family reunion, he can't tell his kids about you, his friends will yell at him, he can't take you to church, he can't talk about you or admit you exist beyond your front door.

    5. We are staying together for the kids. One poster already acknowledged that the effect of the affair on the children was a disaster. He knows that, I know that. When the last one is in college, we might talk about a split then, but then there are weddings and grandchildren and a host of other events at which our families expect us to be seen together. You won't be invited.

    6. I work full-time and am college educated and continuing my education. We talk about politics, the housing market, good movies. We go on vacations, have regular dates and hang out with friends.

    My husband cheated on me for two years with at last four different women, two of whom thought he was going to marry them. When I found out about the affairs, I made him call those women and tell them the truth. I stood by him while he did it and I actually talked to one of them for quite a while. The lies he told her were incredible and she just wanted to know the truth. It hurt all of us, but it gave those women some understanding and closure.

    I think he might be cheating on me again, or at least thinking about it... so why do I stay??

    I'm already married to him and I've got nothing to lose. My kids are cared for and safe. College is being paid for. We still have great sex and a good life. I know he's not going anywhere, despite what he tells you.
    You have everything to lose. You can't take him anywhere either, can't talk about him to your friends, can't have him meet your parents, can't be seen in public with him, he's never going to marry you, and you're getting older with no guarantees about your future.
    • Re: Long term affairs

      Thu, June 4, 2009 - 11:37 AM
      Thank you for your honesty, and yes, the reasons you have listed are why some men don't leave. But I have to wonder who is better off; you or the mistress? She has no ties, like you mentioned. You, however, have mentioned all of your ties. You also mentioned maybe splitting when the kids are older. The insinuation of your post seems to hint at a lonely life for the mistress, but what about for you after the kids are gone and you do split? I am not trying to insult you whatsoever, in fact, I admire your courage to post on here. However, not every affair is the same, although most people assume they are. For instance, I am a university educated woman, capable of talking about politics, philosophy, religion... his wife flunked out of college. As for children, I have three healthy, well-adjusted children who attend Montessori and receive excellent grades, his children are struggling because she is not only verbally abusive towards him, but the children as well (#1 reason he won't leave). I am active, in great shape with a wide variety of interests, she is an overweight, bored, housewife who puts everything on societal appearance, has to be apart of the PAC, church groups, the expected norms for someone like her. When children are young, that is understandable, however, children don't stay young forever, and we don't just die after they leave, we need to go on. I would rather that be with my own identity, I would rather teach my children to follow their heart and not the image of society and how it should be. I am not saying affairs are right or wrong, I am saying society is too entrenched in how things look, instead of the way things are. I am a firm believer this has contributed to people settling too early, the high rate of affairs and the high rate of divorce. Also, coming from a family who's father was prone to afffairs, the kids know, I knew at quite a young age that my father was unfaithful to my mom quite often. At first, I remember feeling sorry for her, and then I remember wondering why she didn't leave; she finally did when I was eleven, and I respected that. Was my dad a horrible man? No, he just hadn't found his soul mate in my mother, the same as I hadn't found mine in my ex-spouse.. Now, years later, he is married to a wonderful woman, head over heals in love, and a changed man. How do I know this? I can tell by watching him, he has found his equal, not just someone to look after everything and to make him and the family look good.
      • Re: Long term affairs

        Sun, June 7, 2009 - 8:22 AM
        I am currently being a mistress to a married man. I am attracted to him, & have feelings, but i do not love him. We base our relationship sorely on the thrill of getting caught and the sex. He is a millionaire, who often whisks me away for holidays with hotels where we make love for days on end. Once his wife called us while having sex, and we absolutely adored it- we still mention it today. I know he wants a mistress so he can feel like he has 'more than one woman', but i know it's defintely me he wants, not his wife. He begun an affair because his wife was constantly nagging, and their love life is to this day completely stale. She loves him still, & he gets thrills & excitement of 'giving his love to me, and not her' as he puts it. We have a life of absolute paradise and perfection, and it wouldn't be like that if he didn't have a long-suffering and unknowing wife. The sex and excitement wouldn't be the same.
        • K
          offline 0

          Re: Long term affairs

          Sat, June 20, 2009 - 8:27 PM

          No Small Affairs
          Sat, June 20, 2009 - 8:22 PM
          Wow, I finally found the right group. I am excited by everything I have read. There are so many sides to every situation, and there are so many kinds and levels of affairs. And I truly believe, that none of them is a small affair. While most affairs, we stumble into, I do not believe they are started to be destructive. I do not believe there is such a thing as the one and only way to have a conventional marriage or relationship. Is a long term monogamous relationship for everyone? Is that the only way to have found and experience love in our lives? I have been in my chosen affair for over 6 years. He is married, I am not. It is perfect for us. Before I give too much detail, what are people's thoughts about those long term affairs that have come to light, most likely after someone has died, but not always the case? Charles Lindbergh, Charles Kurault, Spencer Tracy - just to name a couple. I have more examples on my own blog, but I am sure you get the idea. It appears that an affair can either rip your heart out, or be just the kind of relationship that you are needing. I think the same can be said of any marriage or relationship, at any given time. That as they say, is life. I love my affair, I love my partner. We share a home in my state, and one in his. No, his wife doesn't know, and I would not want her too. I am not out to hurt her, or his family, nor mine. This is our life decision to make. I feel so lucky to have him in my life, and to be a part of each others life, no matter how often we can be together. I am not hidden away, nor is he, but we are not stupid either. I am happy to read of so many relationships out there like ours. I am very curious how you make yours work in the long term. And believe me, I know it takes work, managing and care. There are so many details to be aware of, so many complications, and such love to be shared. But for us, it has been worth every minute and every challenge. We both feel we are so very lucky to be a part of something so special, as to share a life and a love with the love of your life.
        • K
          offline 0

          Re: Long term affairs

          Sat, June 20, 2009 - 8:29 PM

          No Small Affairs
          Sat, June 20, 2009 - 8:22 PM
          Wow, I finally found the right group. I am excited by everything I have read. There are so many sides to every situation, and there are so many kinds and levels of affairs. And I truly believe, that none of them is a small affair. While most affairs, we stumble into, I do not believe they are started to be destructive. I do not believe there is such a thing as the one and only way to have a conventional marriage or relationship. Is a long term monogamous relationship for everyone? Is that the only way to have found and experience love in our lives? I have been in my chosen affair for over 6 years. He is married, I am not. It is perfect for us. Before I give too much detail, what are people's thoughts about those long term affairs that have come to light, most likely after someone has died, but not always the case? Charles Lindbergh, Charles Kurault, Spencer Tracy - just to name a couple. I have more examples on my own blog, but I am sure you get the idea. It appears that an affair can either rip your heart out, or be just the kind of relationship that you are needing. I think the same can be said of any marriage or relationship, at any given time. That as they say, is life. I love my affair, I love my partner. We share a home in my state, and one in his. No, his wife doesn't know, and I would not want her too. I am not out to hurt her, or his family, nor mine. This is our life decision to make. I feel so lucky to have him in my life, and to be a part of each others life, no matter how often we can be together. I am not hidden away, nor is he, but we are not stupid either. I am happy to read of so many relationships out there like ours. I am very curious how you make yours work in the long term. And believe me, I know it takes work, managing and care. There are so many details to be aware of, so many complications, and such love to be shared. But for us, it has been worth every minute and every challenge. We both feel we are so very lucky to be a part of something so special, as to share a life and a love with the love of your life.
          • J
            offline 0

            Re: Long term affairs

            Tue, May 3, 2011 - 11:22 PM
            I am glad I found this group too. Not really sure where to start, but I want to talk to people who have been in the same boat. I have tried talking to friends, but can never tell them everything so the feedback is not whole. I have been having an affair with someone for almost seven years now. I have been married the whole time. He has not, but is in a relationship. It started out as a couple of new friends that just liked to mess around. We eventually had sex and I think maybe guilt kind of made us stop for a long time. Over the years, we have stopped contact because we agree that its wrong, and then one of us gets weak and ends up contacting the other. I guess I am looking for some advice as to how to either accept it for what it is and live with it, or stop it. In the beginning, the times of no contact were long, months or a couple of times over a year. For the past couple of years though, the contact has not stopped for more than a week or two. We meet up much more often, and talk more often. This relationship has always been all about sex, but over the past year, it seems different. Although not a great deal, we spend more time having personal conversations, which has left me confused about how I feel about him. I am trying to use my head, and not get wrapped up in this. I feel like that if we don't stop I am going to want more out of it, which cannot happen. However, I don't know if I want to stop. Have any of you tossed this around? Do you just cut your losses and and stop all contact completely? Or, do you accept what your doing or feeling and rather than fight it, try to figure out a way to incorporate it into your life, guilt free? Every single time we meet, we walk away feeling like we should not have. So why do we continue?
    • TB
      offline 0

      Re: Long term affairs

      Mon, June 29, 2009 - 1:44 PM
      I have to agree with the majority of this post. I was the one who got cheated on by a man who denied his affair until the day the paternity tests of the child they had together came back as 99.9% positive that the child is his...born right between my two children with this man. We divorced but have since reconciled and not solely for the sake of the children. We do love each other and his affair has ended....the horrible thing is dealing with this woman ...because of their child... She is a horrible and calls my home at 1:00 a.m. in the morning asking to speak to my husband... What I want to know is why can't she get it through her head that the affair is over and she needs to move on...if fact...she did get married and has another kid... that's five kids for her with who knows how many men....but has recently been seen with still why is she still calling...that's what I want to know... What is it that she wants????
      • t
        offline 0

        Re: Long term affairs

        Sun, July 19, 2009 - 7:12 AM
        Short answer ...He lied to you and is still contacting her. I am the mistress of a 15 year affair. We keep holding on because its an easy option , we dont have to clean up after him, take care of him, listen to his problems or anything else. We just get the financial benefit of at least half his paycheck.So while your trying to pay bills we are driving new cars and carrying gucci.
    • Re: Long term affairs

      Sun, June 13, 2010 - 11:47 PM
      To Able-
      You are sooo right!!!! I have always said about my man is go out and have your fun but come home to me!!! Or let me join in!!! LOL My man and I are swingers and have beenfrom the beginning. So, we have never lied to any of our partners thankfully!!! But sometimes these women still think that he is going to leave me for them! We had one woman who had told me and her ex that he didn't use a condom with her! Knowing that I don't approve of it! Later when she tried to recant it in front of the two of us I asked her why she said it and she told me because she thought it would break us up and that she would have a chance with him! Yeah, like the last four years never happened?!?!? Then, come to find out this happened because we had gotten into a conversation and we told her that we loved her and accepted her for the way she was so she assumed because of that conversation that he would leave me for her! When I'm totally stabil in all things you listed and she is not! Well, I guess our idea of cheating is different but this seemed similar to what you have experienced! Because we do not condone lying or cheating in any way! But I do have friends that do it because their spouses do not give them enough attention or sex. I have tried to help these friends and it is very hard to pass up their advances! Well, Good luck with your marriage!!! It's nice to see that you are able to at least make him come clean with these ladies.
    • Re: Long term affairs

      Wed, August 10, 2011 - 10:52 AM
      Love this bit of truth. A good whip across the face in a situation where illusions and wishes are many.

      My affair and I have been on and off for some time. We've cost each other a great deal of time, drama and emotion. Why do I do it as a married woman? Because being the woman I am I am never happy in a stagnant relationship. This same affair cost me a previous marriage, and now is lingering around in this one. My current husband is a wonderful man...if I had a dime every time I read that in one of these posts. He truly is though. I don't want to be alone. Constantly searching for that "moment" to thrill me. I am a self centered asshole. No changing that now after all these years. I suppose my affair is too since he and I are cut from the same cloth regarding our commitments in the marital sense.

      Is it a lack of security with my self? More than likely. I know how this story ends if I choose one path or another. I guess I am just biding my time right now.
    • Re: Long term affairs

      Fri, September 28, 2012 - 9:09 AM
      This is the best piece I have ever seen written on this subject. Clicked on this site and began reading all of the sad stories. Of course, thinking mine was different. I have been seeing a married man for almost 5 years now. I was not that unhappy in my marriage at the time, was not looking to have an affair, and quite frankly, if you would've told me I was going to I would've argued "Never!" Fell head over heels for this man. He started telling me he was in love with me. I ended up leaving my husband a year and a half into the affair. He is still married. He tells me constantly that he has never been happy and that it has never been right from the get go. (his marriage) I have left him so many times I can't even count anymore. Each time he crawls back and I let him. He says he just can't leave with the kids so young. At first, I bought that because divorce has been very hard on my own kids. I encouraged him to go to counseling and to let me move on. Why I end up back with him I can't tell you. But the article I just read about "why he won't leave" has given me new strength. Yes, I love him so much. No, I can't go on like this.
      So, whoever you are that wrote that, you are without a doubt very wise and 100% right. I am taking your advice. When he calls me today I am going to tell him it's over. I have hell of couple of months ahead of me, but I am done. Heartache, here I come!
      Will keep ya posted.
      • Re: Long term affairs

        Tue, October 2, 2012 - 10:01 AM
        Well, haha! I failed miserably ! I just can't cope with the heartache of breaking up. I see a common factor within all of these stories where the married man won't leave because of the kids. I just talked to a friend who said she waited 8 years for her guy. They are married now and happy. Unfortunately, her story gave me hope. So, here I go again. Neither of us can break it off. We have tried. We are miserable without eachother. How long is too long? According to all of you, it's never too long. Some of you have been doing this for 20 years and even got married to someone else and started the affair with that husband. My head is spinning! I can't seem to make up my mind. Most of the people I can talk to say get out now. But I have a few who say hang in there. He loves you obviously. That fairytale that most of us want, that some of us get. All I can say with certainty now is that I am very up and down with this and just floating right now. Can't seem to break it off, even though I know I should. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Very hard.
  • Re: Long term affairs

    Tue, July 21, 2009 - 11:17 AM
    I think if you cheat, or commit adultery and the spouse finds out, you had better be ready to cope. You need to know that when the spouse does finds out, it will be a major trauma. Years of unconditional trust meets reality. They may commit suicide or even come after you to kill you or their spouse. Even at best, the person you directly played a part in hurting will have major emotional problems for a long time. A divorce is likely but some marriages end up making it after found out. Children end up having issues later in life as results. I'm really not sure why anybody intentionally would want to hurt another person so bad unless you have major issues yourself.

    The married person having an affair is not leaving because they are highly likely, mentally ill. They likely have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). They are incapable of having healthy relationships. The married affair partner almost always goes into this process of self-delusion. Some people even have delusion that "The other spouse knows" when in fact they do not.

    A healthy person will try to communitate with the spouse the problems and what is missing. A healthly person knows what a relationship is about will trying an trying to fix whatever is wrong. A healthy person knows how to be happy with what they have... or with integrity move on in the right way.

    And BTW... it is never too late to start being a good person. Peace.
  • Fun
    offline 0

    Both of us have spouses

    Tue, September 1, 2009 - 12:32 PM
    I have been part of an affair for 13 years (I was 17 when it started). My boyfriend (whom I have now been married to for 10 years) went away to college and I continued to be friends with one of our mutual friends (who actually introduced me to my husband) and his wife. Needless to say 'one thing led to another' and the "friend" and I started an affair. He is on his third wife and each time he gets divorced he asks me to leave my husband and marry him. He has offered to help raise my children as if they are his. I have no intentions of leaving my husband and he has every intention of "always" being married. It works for us, maybe one day we will end up together, who knows what the future holds.
  • Fun
    offline 0

    Re: Long term affairs

    Tue, September 1, 2009 - 2:16 PM
    I must say that after reading most of the posts here that, if possible, my affair is pretty close to perfect. We are able to go on vacations together (granted we take our spouses and our respective children). We are able to attend most family weddings / parties / funerals together (yet separate). This really hit home this past year, my grandfather passed away and a few months later his father passed away. We were able to console each other in public as friends and nobody thought any different.
    • V
      offline 0

      I am afraid

      Sat, September 12, 2009 - 11:15 PM
      I just met this married man...knowing damn well he was married and didn't mind because I just wanted the sex. This was all on the internet. We met one night and just talked for like 2 and half hours. We had sex a couple days later. He helps with some of my bills and I am bassically a "glorified booty call". I had sex with another man and he got jealous. We have good conversations and we laugh and enjoy each others company without even having sex. I feel a strong connection to him...he says the same (he is 14 years my senior) I am afraid now because I it's hasn't been that long and I feel like I will end up falling for him and I just cannot stop seeing him. I think about him all the time. But inside I know he loves his wife and he has elementary aged kids and owns his own company so I know he is not going to leave her... (she will take him for everything he has). But despite that I know he loves her he's just bored in the bedroom. I am so lonely. And confused. Please help.
      • Unsu...

        Re: I am afraid

        Mon, September 14, 2009 - 5:31 AM
        Hate to say it, V, but you gotta learn to live with it.

        My advice, find some other relationships to 'fill the void'. Don't put all your time and effort into him. Only take him for what he's offering: good conversation and high test sex. There's nothing else. You should offer very little beyond that, too.
      • Re: I am afraid

        Sun, June 13, 2010 - 11:50 PM
        It's the taboo that you are attracted to. It's like a phase in your life you know, teens your attracted to older guys, late teens its bad boys, and now older married men! One thing you don't have to worry about is a commitment!
    • RL
      offline 0

      Re: Long term affairs

      Fri, October 2, 2009 - 8:08 AM
      I know about "pretty close to perfect" affairs ... and I was really glad to see someone acknowledge one. I look forward to weighing in with some history and comments when I have more time to join the conversation.

      I just found this group today, and I think I will be here a while. A world of love, relationship and sexuality is full of possibilities, choices, challenges, rewards, and so much more.

      For starters, though, I want to be a voice that speaks in favor of polyamory. So far, I have seen only one other poster even mention it. most of us, unfortunately, are still committed to the idea of monogamy -- even as we recognize that we can connect intimately to more than one person. If that were not true, there wouldn't be so much talk about lovers leaving their spouses (or their other lovers) to be with the subjects of their "affairs."

      I want to talk about how it is possible to truly love and be devoted to more than one person at a time. I hope some of the rest of folks here, do too.
      • Unsu...

        Re: Long term affairs

        Fri, October 2, 2009 - 11:00 AM
        <<I want to talk about how it is possible to truly love and be devoted to more than one person at a time. I hope some of the rest of folks here, do too.>>

        I have no doubt that I can love and care for more than one woman at a time. I've enjoyed that pleasure several times. But it's also very selfish. Very. I can assure you that in my several affairs of the heart, at least one of my lovers was completely unaware of the other.
        • RL
          offline 0

          RE: long term affairs ... Love Is Unlimited

          Fri, October 2, 2009 - 10:30 PM
          I ALSO have no doubt that it's possible to truly love and care for more than one person at a time. I first deeply discovered that for myself over thirty years ago and it has been a recurring -- almost constant -- theme in my life since then. However, I don't believe that to do so is necessarily selfish (in the commonly held way of understanding that) anymore than it would be selfish to love more than one child at the same time. It certainly CAN be selfish in that sense; but I know in my case, I tend to give as much or (most times) MORE than I receive in a relationship. But what goes around comes around
  • Re: Long term affairs

    Wed, December 2, 2009 - 7:59 AM
    You know, my parents lived many years into a post Soviet country. I can't say their relationship could be named even "good" , but they inherited the tradition of having one partner for the whole life even if it becomes a torture for both. No one has never intended to leave the spouse. Sometimes I think that they are the best example demonstrating : "through foul and fair"....
    welcome to the sex positive community:
  • Re: Long term affairs

    Thu, December 10, 2009 - 2:11 PM
    Well, I'm very interested in this topic because I just discovered my husband has been having an affair with a friend of ours for the past 20 years. I'm only 34, so as you can see this started long before he and I (or she and her husband) ever met. (she's 6 years older than me and he's 8 years older.) they engineered things so that our families were very close too, out of convenience I'm sure.

    Anyway, I am so fascinated. I do know more about their affair than my husband realizes because it didn't take me 2 seconds to figure out all the stories she's told me about old boyfriends or things her friends have done were really stories about the two of them.

    Anyway, she's been married 13 years and we've been married 7, and so it's safe to say neither of them ever intended to divorce, especially since they both chose to marry other people for whatever reason.

    So what do I know as a spouse? I know there is a lot that I don't know, but I can tell you a bit about what my marriage is like and maybe those of you who wonder from the outside will have a better idea. I'm sure other marriages are different.

    First, I had NO clue. What can I say? He left something somewhere he shouldn't have. After 7 years it was bound to happen.

    My husband says he loves me, he adores me, that I've never dissatisfied him in any way and that I'm darn near the perfect woman.

    He's always been exceedingly generous with me.

    The idea of leaving me at all or for her is an anathema to him. He says I don't understand it's just not that kind of relationship.

    Just in case you think the marriage partners don't have sex or don't have good sex. We do. I think the danger of getting caught might make affair sex better -- but I know since I discovered this and my husband has sworn to never contact her again (we'll see) our sex has been even better. But it was always awesome and frequent anyway.

    I do think that most married people who have long-term affairs do love their spouses. There are a lot of reasons behind their affairs, but I think if there was no love in their marriages either they or their spouse would end it. I'm sure many spouses know, but many don't.

    The evidence I found that my husband was having an affair was so obvious, and yet both me and the friend I confided in before i spoke to him were mystified -- we just couldn't figure out when he'd had the time! He's such a family man, always home for dinner, etc. But they'd worked out their system not to get caught a long time before I ever entered the picture, so of course there was no deviation from his normal routine.

    Anyway, that's my 2 cents. I look forward to reading more on the topic from other posters.
  • Re: Long term affairs

    Sun, June 13, 2010 - 8:04 AM
    This message thread was started in 2007, I only joined today. Years of responses. Years of my affair. I suppose my situation truly is unique. I am married. We've been together over 25 years. HE is the love of my life. He wants me to be happy. So when I told him of my interest in another man, he actually supported/supports my relationship with him. We don't live near each other, so visits are only a few times a year, which is what allows this to even be possible. If he were closer, it wouldn't work. I know his wife and she's an amazing woman. They have a great family. I have a great family. Neither of us wants to change that. We have both expressed that we love each other. How could anyone do this for years *without* being in love. But it has limits. Deeply defined limits. Limits imposed by life's demands, limited imposed by each of us, limits imposed by my husband. Why do we do it? Because we both feel like our relationship is truly special and needs to be played out. That we need to know each other. The sex is great. But the friendship is greater. The hard part is keeping it small. And not letting it run your life (as a woman especially). Just my two cents....
  • Re: Long term affairs

    Sun, June 27, 2010 - 7:00 AM
    I have been in a relationship with a married man for almost 6 years. We have been best friends for 14, and it evolved. We met at work, when I was married and he was single. We became fast friends and things gradually changed. I got divorced 4 years ago, and he has been married for 7.

    Very soon after he married (by the first anniversary) he started wanting a divorce. As then only a friend I tried to help, each time he brought up a divorce she'd convince him to stay and keep trying. Then he filed for divorce so she got pregnant to "bring them closer". The baby is 6 1/2 so obviously that didn't work. For a while they'd go to counseling and he'd try, but they just can't get along. When after his filing for divorce I asked why he'd married her he said "because you are already married". At this point we hadn't taken the step toward romance. That happened gradually and truly I now understand the term "it just happened".

    I chose to divorce, not only because of my love for another but for my dislike of my bad marriage (21 years). My kids obviously know my boyfriend quite well and they are aware that we are in a relationship now (they are in college and have known him as long as I have and they love him), although I didn't let them know until a year after I divorced their Dad. My boyfriend works two jobs, 7 days a week, and we have a great relationship. It's far more "real" that the one I saw from start until now. I am with him daily, and we talk/text for hours. He helped pick out my house, works around my house, is with me on weekends as well as weekdays and evenings between shifts and while obviously I would love him to leave and be fully with me, I do understand why he stays.

    I feel that I am in a unique or at least rare position - having known him longer than her and seen the whole thing firsthand. I have seen her and heard her phone calls. They take separate vacations and really do lead mostly separate lives. I imagine it's a horrible thing for the kids (she has one from an earlier marriage) and them as well to live in that house. He is always honest with me - knowing him as long as I have I know that's who he is, he will not spare me the truth to placate me or shield my feelings, One of the billions of things I love about him.

    I have tried to break it off with him, and date others. I used to say I wanted "someone" to do the things we can't - vacations, public trips, mundane things. But in the end what I realized is it isn't "someone" that I want a life with, it's Him. He is my soul mate, and I've been in a marriage where that wasn't the case.

    So I'll take the life I have - while it isn't always all I want and it is sometimes lonely, I know heaven in his embrace. Without him is not a place I want to be.
    • Re: Long term affairs

      Mon, August 2, 2010 - 4:34 PM
      Well I am a man in a genuinely unhappy marriage who fell head over heels in love at first sight four plus years ago with a married woman in an equally unhappy relationship. After three years we began a sexual relationship. I think about her constantly, I absolutely adore her, and support her emotionally and materially.

      To me she is the most beautiful woman in the world and the sexiest thing on two legs that I can imagine. I have begged her time and time again to leave but she won't deprive her two youngish children of the presence of their father until they are older

      The stolen moments are both our normalities when we can give ourselves to someone we love and we know cares deeply for the other - so affairs aren't just the product of a predatory male. I just wish I'd met her 20 years ago when we were both on the verge of marriage and not lost the time in the interval, nor the next 5-10 years which realistically is the earliest that she will feel able to walk away.

      I love her so badly it hurts.
  • Re: Long term affairs

    Fri, August 13, 2010 - 2:09 PM
    I was in an affair for 3 years. I fell in love with him, and he said he would only be more than a lover to me if I left my hubby. I love my hubby, too, and we have two kids together, so I had a hard time trying to do that. When I found out I was pregnant, I was sure he would be excited because my lover and I had talked about having a child for some time. I was so stressed over what to do, that I lost the baby. As soon as that happened, my lover wanted nothing more to do with me, and my hubby found out. Things have not been good ever since, and I'm lucky he didn't kick me out. I don't believe the chances of the ones in relationships are high to leave their partners. I know I couldn't.
    • Re: Long term affairs

      Tue, April 26, 2011 - 8:26 AM
      I have just found this thread and I realize its older and been going for many years. I just wanted to add my experience. I have been having an affair for 23 years. When we first met he was married and I was single. He never told me he would leave his wife, in fact he told me he was'nt going to. After about 3 years I got married and had children, but we never stopped seeing each other.

      He is my best friend. The sex is unbelievable, even after all of these years. I don't think his wife or my husband suspects anything. We are pretty careful, we never talk on our cell phones etc. I have met a few of his friends and they know about me, although none of my friends know about him.

      I can't imagine what my life would have been like without him and this relationship.
  • Re: Long term affairs

    Thu, June 16, 2011 - 4:20 PM
    I was recently involved with a man for 3 tears who is married. We met and about 9 months later he told me he was married and seprated, the relationship between him and his wife didnt work out. by this time out relationship was extremely intense and we were both in love. There were red flags and i probably shouldve dismissed him once he said that. But people get married and seperated all the time. Even move on to other relationships and dont even divorce until they are married again. So continued on in this relationship.

    let me say this, i think every situation is different and in mine every wouldve never suspected this was going on. We did EVERYTHING together. It wasnt just sexual at all it was also emotional. We went on trips he took me around EVERYONE. His friends, co-wokers, brother cousins, EVERYONE knew who i was. No one even knew this man was married( besides family). AND YES HE INTRODUCED ME TO HIS PARENTS! Who are married and a very traditional and respectful couple.

    We supported each other in everyway! Like i said looking back there were red flags but you have to understand everything was really confusing to me. He lied and said she lived with her parents when they were living together all along! But he played it smoove. Not too long after he told me he was married, he said his wife needed to move back in to get on her feet.

    Of course i was understanding, and how could i complain? This man was doing any and everything for me! He was treating me like his wife and his real wife was at home with their son ALONE everynight. This man was barely home. He would work alot and when he wasnt alot of his free time went on me. While she was home cooking,cleaning doing laundry working on top of that! He was out partying with me and spending time with me.

    Its extremely sad. I got in contact with her thru fb and told her everything. We also had a short convo. Women if you are married and this happens to you do what is best FOR YOU! YOU need to be happy. This man sat on the phone in front of his wife said he was gonna work on his marriage just to please her! and guess what?? called me the next day!!! telling me he had to say it! AND hes still callin gme wanting to continue the affair! As far as their marriage was concerned for the last 3 years it has been dead! no sex no nothing (and she verified that) there were basically BOTH just THERE! with the marriage title! this is so sad. As a wife if your husband is never home, your not getting along, not having sex then WHAT ARE YOU DOING! the fact of the matter is the wifes stop caring too! alot of times they know whats going on and turn a blind eye and then are sooooo hurt when they find out the truth! WAKE UP!!

    Everyone is quick to say the mistress is being used but what are not being used? your slaving at home while hes out having another life excluding you! I mean NO ONE knew who this woman was! its amazing!!!

    So this man is still contacting me eventhough he isnt supposed to and still wants me to be with him...AMAZING! The things this man does and says is completely disrespectful to his wife! He has ZERO respect for her! But you women stay because of vows?? UNBELIEVABLE why are you allowing someone whos supposed to cherish you degrade you??!!

    Its hard for me to let go but i think i have it easier i dont have to go thru a divorce but i am heartbroken and im not gonna allow myself to be second to his wife. And fyi she will always be second because he will not stop cheating becuase he is not happy being married.
  • Re: Long term affairs

    Thu, June 16, 2011 - 4:31 PM
    Another thing i must say is people need to start being happy with themselves PERIOD! you get married, get comfortable become dependent on your spouse and what happens when he or she wants a divorce? Yes you are supposed to be able to rely on your partner but not so dependent that you stay somewhere unhappy because of financial reasons. Think about it why did you get married? For stabilitly? for love? or financial reasons? Shouldnt it be for love? so why become so dependent that you feel like you have NO CHOICE but to stay?!
    Thats what you want your life to be?People need to be adults and live their lives independently, you can still rely on your spouse but shouldnt have to sacrifice your happiness because you need that person to survive. If the love is gone and your being disrespected by a man/woman whos supposed to treat you like royalty you clearly have issues and both need therapy
  • Re: Long term affairs

    Wed, July 13, 2011 - 11:07 PM
    I realize this is an older post, but so timely for me. Oddly, I was the good wife at home with the babies when I discovered my husband in the midst of the cliche affair with his secretary. It didn't help much that she was older than now here I am, after swearing I would never be responsible for putting another wife in the place I found myself. I am the mistress, the side dish, the other woman...He lied, of course, at first. I found out through exhaustive research and a private detective. Shocking and brutal to me, I thought, of all people. helped me understand why the man I now call my "wuzband" ( he was my went where he did for what he needed. And I forgave him a long time ago. But the world now is not so black and white as I had thought. My lover is a military officer, in a life I've never known and find fascinating. He's taken job after job hours from home to avoid his 2nd disastrous marriage to a younger woman. (so he says, as they do...) There is no doublt we love each other. But his children are mostly grown; mine youngish. I am still married though we've lived separately for 6 years. He is still married though they share a home the 2 weekends a month. Of course they don't have sex...( I know...we've all heard it before). He thinks I'm his soulmate. I'm more cynical. Though I adore him. And I adore sex with him, the nights we spend together...we are fortunate to have at least 3 nights together each week when we sleep without breaking contact through the night. He needs to know I'm there. But he has never been free. I do expect he wil divorce this wife. I do expect on his retirement he'll take off on his Harley and do the travel the country thing, or find his log cabin & dog to be alone and not have to shave for the first time in his career. He thinks of settling down with me (yes, I know...placating) but we both know he would still be chomping at the bit for that independent he's never yet had. And then I'd likely be in the same position as the wife I never want to be again. I actually yell at him that he needs to at least be nice to his wife. She's done nothing wrong here. He & I have. But we won't stop. It is an addiction. I crave his scent. He craves my mind & humor. I crave that bare vulnerable neck to kiss with that military haircut. But he won't spend time with my children, nor I his....we won't become a modern day Brady Bunch. I won't be the woman behind the soldier at his promotion ceremonies. I'll be at his place on base in unaccompanied housing. I'll stay the night. I'll take care of him when he's ill. He' ll fix things here. I'll bring him his favorite chocolate chip cookies. He'll belt a motorcycle helmet under my chin, kiss me, and tell me to get on the back of his Harley...and we'll spend Sundays on back country roads stopping for lunch at great roadhouses. But if anything should happen to him or me...the other won't know. We'll just disappear on each other like we were nothing at all. And eventually, in a year or so he'll be demobilized. And maybe he'll go to his cabin in the woods he dreams of, or maybe he'll go back to his wife who must be desperately lonely as she still wants him, but I'm certain he won't be here with me. Yet I expect we'll remain friends. As long as we can keep our hands off each other. Or perhaps we'll meet once a year for some crazy delicious weekend away from our lives. Or maybe we'll just disappear. I do know that I will haunt him more than he will me, as much as I love him.
  • Re: Long term affairs

    Mon, April 30, 2012 - 4:51 PM
    I am fascinated that this topic popped to the top of the forum even though I see nothing newer than 2011, but I thought I'd add my story.

    I have been married for over 20 years and have had a mistress for the last 8. I love my wife dearly, but we are not very compatible sexually. Having a mistress saved our marriage, though of course my wife would never see it that way. I have no intention of ever leaving my wife, and my mistress would probably leave ME if I did. She entered into the relationship because she did not want to bring a new father figure into her children's lives yet needed a sexual outlet of her own. She also happens to believe that a man needs a wife and a mistress. Bless the French :-) So in her eyes our relationship is very natural, very loving, and very compatible with me staying married to my wife. Yes we too are in love, but both of us accept and respect the boundaries we established at the start. If there is going to be a revisiting of those boundaries it is probably a decade away, when the last of her children flies the coop. That's far enough off that neither of us is going to worry about it for years to come.

    • Re: Long term affairs

      Thu, May 17, 2012 - 2:50 PM
      Why don't you tell your wife what you'd like in bed, or just go to a prostitute. Your wife is hurting more then you know. It will end up destroying her. I know my husband did the same thing you can't give affection to two people. I turned to alcohol and loneliness and it almost killed me. My husband is trying to make up to me all those years when he wouldn't come home. I know I am a different person now and so is he, but so many people were hurt in the process. We have alot to get over and forgive but marriage is about two people, if you loved your wife you would want to do everything with her. Your just feeling guilty over leaving your mistress. That's all she is and ever will be. I have been reading all these articles and never heard of more selfish lies that people are telling themselves. Trying to justify their actions. You mistresses and cheaters make me sick. Karma will catch up to you.
  • Re: Long term affairs

    Mon, June 4, 2012 - 9:15 AM
    My husband has had an affair with a woman for 48 years. This broke up his first marriage. He dated her 15 years and would never marry her and married me. After we were married three weeks, he started the affair again and we have just ended the affair after 30 years of marriage. He said it was just convenient when I was not arround. Any comments? I need some help with closure!
    • Re: Long term affairs

      Mon, June 4, 2012 - 9:07 PM
      He picked YOU to be his life partner, not her. Obviously she was entertaining, but so are classic cars, motorcycles, big screen TVs, etc. Yes we treat them as totally different, but they aren't. Monogamy comes out of the desire to focus resources on offspring. The man wants to make sure his resources go to his offspring and the woman wants to make sure his resources go to her offspring. But once you take reproduction out of the equation sex (alone) is just entertainment (I'd say it was a hobby except that has become a euphemism for prostitution). It's like playing tennis. Really.

      So if he has reaffirmed you are his life partner be happy. He played with his toy, but he is yours. It really is that simple, or at least it can be.
  • Re: Long term affairs

    Tue, June 26, 2012 - 3:35 PM
    I have had a long term affair for 8 years. We had a great time, nights away, days away, drinks out and cosy evenings in. He never said one way or the other whether he would leave and for 8 years I was constantly questioning just about everyone whether he would leave or not. If asked directly he would say "I cant give you any promises", or "I might leave in the future but I cant promise you". Of course I should have known this was really a "no", but the more and more he did for me the more I thought he would leave. In the final month he was seeing more than ever before. Suddenly and with no warning he met me and said we had to stop meeting he had made his decision and that was that with no warning or reason. Why Why why? That was two months ago, and the only contact I have had was a text on my birthday. So he never had any intention of leaving and now I feel I have wasted eight precious years of my life while he sails into the sunset. Devastating especially with no reason.
  • Re: Long term affairs

    Fri, July 13, 2012 - 12:15 AM
    Come November, I will have been involved with a married man for 4 years. Our situation slightly different from any that I have read on here. After a failed 5 year relationship and engagement to the man I had been with since I was 17, I spent the next 6 months hooking up with randoms and not giving a flying f*ck about what/who I was doing. One day I sat down at my computer and before I knew it I was chatting (through one of those ridiculous facebook games) with a seemingly nice young man who didnt even have to try to make me smile. We hit it off instantly. Over the next couple of weeks we chatted more and more. Any spare second I got I was online looking to see if he was around. At first our talks were completely innocent, he was just someone who I enjoyed talking to. Someone who could make me laugh.
    I will never forget the circumstances under which he revealed to me that he was married..
    It just started as a joking conversation ..I remember he had asked something about if I had an older sister (we may have been poking fun at the age difference between us, he was 34 at the time, and I was only 22) ..I distinctly remember typing this response "that I do ..but she's married hands off! lol"
    his reply to that was.."lol well I dont know if you read my profile or not ...but so am I.."
    He did not realize at the time that that particular portion of his facebook profile was not public ..because trust me, I had creeped that profile from top to bottom several times, and hadn't seen it. He also did not have any pictures of her or of them together anywhere on there.
    I dont know exactly what I felt when he revealed that to me ..but I think a piece of me already knew it was too late. Within just a few short weeks of knowing him and having him in my life, it made me want to stop all the nonsense I had been carrying on all summer with the randoms. He made me feel better about myself and made my heart happy.
    Unfortunately to make the situation even more difficult ...he is from Washington, D.C ...I am from Ontario, Canada..
    Together for the past 3.5, nearly 4 years we have carried on a relationship together. He has 2 children, ages 14 & 8. And from what I have been told about the past, he had been dating his wife for about a year when she got pregnant with their son. They were married shortly after their son was born. He revealed to me that within a few years of being married they begun sleeping in separate bedrooms. He said it started out because of his snoring (and my god is it bad!!.), but that deep down they just used it as their excuse to sleep separately. A few years later their daughter was born, and he has remained there "going through the motions" (his words, not mine).
    About 6 months after we first met ..we arranged to actually meet in person, and I traveled to D.C for a couple of days. I can't describe how it felt to step off of that train and to see him walking towards me. That huge stunner smile on his face. He said nothing as he approached .. he just simply put his arms around me and pulled me as close as he could. And with his lips by my ear, he spoke his first words to me .."I love you". We spent a few days together, but they were not perfect. While he did take some time off of work for us ..I stayed in a hotel (our deal has always been, I pay for travel, he pays for accommodations/food), and he would leave me at 7pm every night to go home to his family, and not return to me until morning. Leaving me to spend a portion of my time there alone. That's not an easy thing to deal with. We have gotten together a total of 4 times during the course of our relationship ..and only one of those times (I joined him on a business trip to Michigan) have I gotten to experience what it's like to fall asleep next to him and wake up in his arms. I have wished for that feeling again everyday since.
    I know at one point during our relationship I asked him straight up when was the last time he had sex with his wife ..and he was a little embarrassed to admit that it had been close to 2 years prior to the first time him & I got together in May of '09. It is now 3 years later and I do not believe this fact has changed.
    We have had our fair share of bumps in the road and we have made 2 attempts at ending our relationship. Not because of a lack of love or caring for one or the other ..but because it's not fair to anyone. And there are times where I feel resentful towards him because I'm not getting what I need, simply because he doesn't have time to give it. He has sat on the phone and cried with me over everything. And I know that for him, having grown up without a father himself, he is so terrified to leave and hurt his kids.
    I have my good days and I have my bad days. Sometimes I think I'm foolish or naive for being a willing participant in all of this. I dont believe that he's going to leave his family ..but at the same time ..that's my friend do I walk away from that? I have such a strong emotional tie to this man ..who walked into my life out of nowhere, and I don't want to give that up even though I know that eventually it needs to happen.
    Too much of it is starting to hurt. And the loneliness is becoming too much.
    The first time we tried to end things we lasted about a week ...and the second time about a month. Both attempts were done through online & phone conversations ..
    We are currently trying to plan a visit for sometime in September ..this I know will be the last one. I think in order for us to follow through with ending this, it needs to be done face to face. I need to be able see his raw emotions and to hold him and be held by him. We need that time together to gain some closure. After that I know our contact will have to be minimal/nonexistant. That's the part I dread most.

    I have told him before and will tell him over and over until I have no voice left ..."If I have to give you up, it better be because you are working your ass off to try and make things better for you" ..

    • Re: Long term affairs

      Wed, October 3, 2012 - 9:07 AM
      I was in a long term affair once. She wanted me to walk away from my marriage and my children. She was willing to do the same. I told her "No". that caused a ripple in our friendship and she went else where to find new men to have sex with. By that point, I didn't want anything to do with her because of the fact that she had sex with other men.
  • Re: Long term affairs

    Thu, October 11, 2012 - 11:19 PM
    I'm new here. I have been in a long-term relationship with a married man for 12 years. (I am also married) When we first got together we talked about leaving our spouses, but it never worked out. I love this man dearly and I know he loves me too. I thought about leaving him many times, but it is extremely hard to do since we have been together for so many years. If I had to do it over, I would have never had an affair, especially with a married man. The guilt feelings of doing this to my spouse has made me very miserable and sad over the years. It's just not worth it and I wish that one day I could be strong enough to finally leave him.

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