i was in a long term relationship that became increasingly emotionally abusive, and then, very quickly, physically abusive. i was very blessed to have a strong supportive family and friends, friends who were there despite the fact that i haven't spent time with them in a years, and i was able to do what i had to do to get out of that relationship and press charges and move on with my life.
that relationship ended 2.5 years ago, and i haven't seen him in close to 2.
i feel like i have done a lot of mental and emotional repair in that time period. i made an effort to stand my ground, to not look away from what had happened but find a way to accept all that had happened, both good and bad.
and i feel like i am doing well. it doesn't have any bearing on my daily life outside of a general sense of faith in myself that i am very glad to have gained in the course of healing.
but apparently i'm not as healed as i thought.
i got a very random, completely unwarranted, very mean email from someone yesterday (i don't understand people sometimes). it was just hateful. and i haven't hasd someone yell at me since my ex. i haven't encountered such hatred since my ex. and i could see him in her words. it was like he was in the room....he was present in my mind in a way he hasn't been in years. and i lost it. i had a full blown panic attack; i had thought i was over those.
i came into work today, but my eyes are still too swollen from crying to be able to put my contacts in, and my hands are shaky even now.
how do i deal this?
no one understands...let rephrase: very few people understand. it looks like i had a panic attack over a bitchy email from a girl i don't know, and i feel like the only people who can truly understand are people who have been where i am. there weren't very many people who really understood how bad my relationship was, and i feel like they are judging me for being so weak as to be so easily thrown back there.
but i'm not weak.
and it was scary.
am i going to do this everytime someone yells at me?
i don't know.......if anyone has experiences to share or hugs to give, i would appreciate it.....
that relationship ended 2.5 years ago, and i haven't seen him in close to 2.
i feel like i have done a lot of mental and emotional repair in that time period. i made an effort to stand my ground, to not look away from what had happened but find a way to accept all that had happened, both good and bad.
and i feel like i am doing well. it doesn't have any bearing on my daily life outside of a general sense of faith in myself that i am very glad to have gained in the course of healing.
but apparently i'm not as healed as i thought.
i got a very random, completely unwarranted, very mean email from someone yesterday (i don't understand people sometimes). it was just hateful. and i haven't hasd someone yell at me since my ex. i haven't encountered such hatred since my ex. and i could see him in her words. it was like he was in the room....he was present in my mind in a way he hasn't been in years. and i lost it. i had a full blown panic attack; i had thought i was over those.
i came into work today, but my eyes are still too swollen from crying to be able to put my contacts in, and my hands are shaky even now.
how do i deal this?
no one understands...let rephrase: very few people understand. it looks like i had a panic attack over a bitchy email from a girl i don't know, and i feel like the only people who can truly understand are people who have been where i am. there weren't very many people who really understood how bad my relationship was, and i feel like they are judging me for being so weak as to be so easily thrown back there.
but i'm not weak.
and it was scary.
am i going to do this everytime someone yells at me?
i don't know.......if anyone has experiences to share or hugs to give, i would appreciate it.....
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Re: aftershocks
Thu, December 20, 2007 - 11:13 AMPhoenix - I completely understand and you are not weak at all !! You are strong!!! If you were weak, you would still be in your abusive relationship!!! What happened to you in response to the email you received is PTSD/PTSS - post traumatic stress disorder or syndrome. It's very real. I highly recommend EFT (emotional freedom technique) which you can do yourself! www.emofree.com/
And also taking care of yourself, mentally and physically! It's OK to have a panic attack when someone is cruel. It's not ideal and it doesn't feel good but neither does getting down on yourself because of it. Self soothing and self care and important. And looking on the bright side - which is - you recognized the abuse from a stranger and did not fall victim to it !!! This is HUGE!!!! Some people can't do that for years and take abusive people's words personally and spiral back downwards. You did not do that :)
2 and a half years is a good time for the healing of an abusive relationship to begin. I was in an abusive relationship for 17 years. I've been out for 5 and a half years and I'm still healing!!! I still go to my weekly therapy sessions and I still process the abuse I endured. Sometimes I go a month or two without processing but then something triggers the past and more processing occurs. For me, the last thing was watching the TV show "Dexter". I was shocked that the character resembled my Ex-husband so much. The character is much more intelligent than my Ex is but my Ex is a sociopath and so is "Dexter". No feelings. None. And it was really creepy but also a huge eye opener.
I wonder if you are seeing a therapist because I highly recommend that for anyone who has been in an abusive relationship!!!! The thing is that often times we repeat our patterns and draw abuse to us even after we've left. It's important to find out why so we can stop it. And the healing takes years!!!! Plus it doesn't just happen on its own - we have to really, truly, work on it.
HUGE HUGS!!!!!!!
Amon
