"Perhaps I am too stupid to get your post but I am not sure what you are asking."

***LOL! Welcome to my world. I am not sure if I am sure what I am asking either. I am just posing the idea that maybe my beliefs about relationships need tweaking.***

"In your first one you seem single and welcome a monogamous relationship and yet are asking either is it okay to have sex with a friend or did you mean is it okay to turn a friend into a lover. I think turning friends into lovers is a wonderful idea, having sex with them not so much."

***Hmm. No, I am not thinking of having sex with my friend who is already partnered, although we have discussed the idea of a poly relationship (not between us, per se, but just in general) and are intrigued. We also realize the inherent problems that might arise.***

"Calling monogrammed a "fairy tale" also sounds pretty pejorative; plenty of people live quite happy lives being monogamous."

***Do they? I am not quite sure I have ever met anyone who was completely utterly totally monogamous and happy about it at every stage in their life. This is the reason I question the idea that it is a goal worthy of having, because at 44, since it still eludes me, what are the odds that I might find one? Not high, in my opinion.***

"The lessons you speak of learning that would allow a happy poly relationship are no different than the skills needed for any relationship in my opinion so again, it seems like you are saying that poly is more advanced than monogamy and I wouldn't say that of either, they are simply choices."

***Hmm. I cannot say that I would characterize either type as "better" or "more advanced" than the other. This is always how the conversation turns, however, so please, do not put words in my mouth. The issue is not which is "better" or "more advanced" or "more moral," but rather, which is more realistic maybe.***

"Then you write:

"I think we do tend to get lost in our ideas about monogamy and do not allow ourselves to go out and have fun and get the physical contact we so desperately need in order to feel and look our best."

Huh? Are you saying that it is nice to get laid while looking for "the one" or something more along the lines "getting lost IN a monogamous relationship"?"

***I am saying that we (and this is a generalization from my own experience, directed specifically at the other person who posted that she was also struggling with this and dating two guys) tend to refrain from sexual relationships unless we are in a monogamous relationship, since we value that arrangement for various reasons, and I am beginning to re-think this as well.***

The summarized version of all this is, sex without the emotional connection is meaningless to me, and I just wish more people were like-minded instead of out being a slave to their physical instincts and desires. It is difficult to find others who even admit to be willing to BE in a monogamous relationship in the first place, or that such a thing is desirable. And, I tend to stay away from those who have this viewpoint because I am not interested in dating anyone or becoming invested in someone who will later decide that they want a 3-way or want to be single or whatever. Why should I invest my time in something that is doomed from the start? This, in turn, leads to isolation.

<sigh>