sounds like you are going through a painful situation...it is unclear from your post what the established rules/boundaries are...and maybe it seems that it is time to re-visit a discussion about that with your husband. i am not clear whether his behavior is a violation of rules that you and he agreed to, or if perhaps there aren't clear rules and as a result you each interpret the boundaries differently. if this is the case, maybe it would help to clarify the boundaries, to establish what is okay and what is not. sometimes it is necessary to get *really* specific.

in general (and i am seemingly one of the more liberal or *alternative* monogamists on this tribe)--it seems that it is very difficult when partners want different things when it comes to relating to others.

i wish you the best!

Meredith,

As others have said, a new discussion about boundaries seems in order. While I am sure all here know of these techniques in case anyone doesn't, this would seem to beg for "mirroring". I would have you state your boundaries and have him repeat them in his own words to see if he has truly grasped the meaning of your boundaries.

That said, I would suggest that you look inward and see what the fear you have is, what emotions and issues are being triggered when those events took place. This isn't about blame but the better you can grasp what the source of your fear is the better you can communicate to him how to take care of you.

Also, is this the first time he has experienced women comming on to him? People often go through life without experiencing that enough to effortlessly walk away from it let alone know how to enjoy it and set their own boundaries.

Bottom line is to address this quickly before an accident of some sort dives a real wedge between the two of you. Thanks for sharing something of yourself so deeply and with such vulnerability!

Hi Merideth,

Alot has already been said and some great advice given, please indulge me whilst I follow suit. I imagine that since you two seem to do most things together, it may very well be the fact that you walked in on something already in progress without being included, in either the planning or execution thereof, and that is what has made you feel a bit on the outside looking in, when generally it is the other way around. Then again, not having ALL the details of you relationship I can really only guess.

You both have every right to own and air your feelings, whatever they are or how fragmented they may be and there is nothing wrong with not totally understanding why you feel a certain way either. What IS important is that you both try to support each other while you both process new emotional reactions that come up from time to time. I have on more than on occasion stated that I am stuck on something and I don't know why yet. Let me chew on it for a bit and see if I can't better verbalize what that is and what we can do about it. In truth that is really what you are doing by posting this...getting feedback to help you understand why you feel the way you do and I think it is a very healthy avenue to avail yourself of. None of us may have the answer here but it may spark something else in you that might be quite helpful.

Not to squick anyone with a bible story but I am reminded of story of Job. In that the Devil said to God that, "Sure... it is easy to be a faithful servant when everything is going your way, let's see how he stands up in the face of adversity and poverty and misfortune." Reportedly, the Devil destroyed everything that Job held dear, and suffered him with plagues, pestilence, his children dying, his crops burned, his cattle poisoned... and through it all, he remained steadfast in his faith and love and after, all that was taken from him was returned to him.

These little trials and tribulations pale by comparison and it IS only a story but the fact remains that in any relationship there come these little tests and if you both have faith in each other, coming through these...together.... is the real work and where you make the most progress and hopefully become closer from the overcoming of these obstacles.

Warmly,
Eve

Everyone, thank you very very much.

Many of you reiterated what needed to occur and had not. Some of you guessed that I had "played it cool" when I should not have. The reason for the post was because my husband and I had discussed the events and I, effectively, convinced myself it was a good conversation and a form of resolution when it was not. This later manifested as anger, and I unfairly took my feelings out on my husband.

After reading your posts, and taking time to think, I set my head straight. Re-read a portion of a book I purchased, not because it was exactly what I needed, but because the community I am part of seemed to require it to what is left of the little catholic girl voice inside my head that still sometimes tries to be the boss of me (no slight intended, only a representation of general sexual repression I experienced when part of that faith).

You, as a group, helped me own my own feelings, sit down and have possibly one of the most constructive discussions about our status, comfort levels, definitions of sex and seduction and boundaries that we have ever had. Thank you for your input. You are all amazing and we are doing much better.