I am a mono person in a relationship with a poly person. I think I am in the stage of reaching down and trying to find what is best for me and the one I love. I've always known he was poly, I've always known that eventually I'd have to deal with him going off and being with his other partners. He and I never really sat down and talked about his poly lifestyle and my mono lifestyle and how we'd work it all out. We've been together for three years, the first two years as just best friends. Even then he never really talked about his poly life and his other partners, instead he focused on us. He and I have a fairly mono lifestyle all his partners are far away, and he is a temporary fixture in their lives. He hasn't gone to see any of them since he and I moved in together a year ago. He always says that no matter where he goes he will always come back to me. I love him dearly and know he is my soulmate, but, I cannot even begin to explain how hard it has been for me to cope with changing to accommodate this need into my emotional psyche. I want so badly to not feel hurt and pain because I only want for him to be happy. I know how hard it is to be torn between people, I am bi-sexual, but have a strong preference towards men. I try to rationalize things in my irrational mind that him being poly is like me being Bi. He has a strong preference towards me and wants to spend his life with me, I'm the one he's chosen as his primary. But there will always be other people that he knew before me, that he has love and deep friendships with. I am committed to making things work, I just have moments where I think I can't do it, pack up my suitcase and cry my eyes out for hours. Only to distress my loving partner even more than he was distressed.

I want to change and mold with him, I am an open-minded person and love the occassional threesome. All my needs are met with him, he says the same. But I just don't think I am strong enough to handle this. I don't want to be the person that looks back on this relationship in 5,10, 15 years saying "damn I wish I didn't let him slip through my fingers." I don't want that. I want him and I to be happy, happy like the first day we moved into together. Like the first day we decided we loved each other. I want to be happy, content, just like I was a month ago before one of his other partners called him up out of the blue and invited him to hang with her during spring break.

I can't sleep at night without him next to me. I don't feel safe. He makes me feel so safe, secure, wanted and needed. I just want to make the hurt go away and the understanding begin. I just want to understand what I need to do to not sit here crying like a little baby because I'm lost. My heart belongs to him, and will always be his. I am the one that gets to wake up next to him each morning, clean his goddamn dirty socks because he won't because he loves the way I do them. I am the one that gets to make dinner for him, fight with him, love him so fucking much it hurts. I am in so in love with him I am afraid to lose him. I know I need to let go, I know I need to trust in the iron-clad trust that it is in our relationship. I know I need to be strong and embrace his life choices. I accept him for the way he is, I love him for who he is and admire that he has enough love to go around for all the people that he loves. I admire him for holding me tight at night when I'm crying, struggling to find my way to let go of my fears. I am scared shitless, my hands shake, my stomach is nauseated. I just want to put this behind me. I want him to know that I am still content in our relationship, I have no need for another person. I have no want for another person. I have a want for him and him alone. And if that means I have to spend a few sleepless nights because he is with another, then so be it. Because goddmanit, he's the one for me.

He told me the other night that his heart is like a cake, he gave me the biggest piece possible on the cake, and the rest has been divided up into little slivers. Some of those pieces were already cut before he met me, a few more after he met me, but he chose to give me the biggest slice because he loves me and has received the most love from me. He's always said that no matter where he goes, what he does, who else he is with, he always wants to come back to me!

So far he hasn't been with any of his other partners since he and I shacked up. That's why this is such a blow to me. One of his friends, they aren't partners, but they dated in college, she is his childhood best friend's sister. They have history together. WHich is cool, but she invited him on a trip. He and I haven't even had the money to go on a trip, much less him save up to go with her. I don't know what his intentions are as far as their relationship. He hasn't discussed this with me because in all honesty he hasn't felt safe telling me. Due to me crying, being upset and hysterical. I don't blame him, I just wasn't ready to deal with this.

I don't know why I'm telling you of this, I just thought that maybe I could ask for advice, support, anything to help me make this transition. I am committed 100% to making him and I work. I don't want to lose him, ever. I want for him to feel safe and comfortable sharing with me about his partners. I'd feel better knowing a little about them. The best friend that I am to him wants nothing more than for him to be honest and open about his feelings and thoughts on his relationships, friendships, goals, everything and anything. That's what best friends are for. We already have an odd relationship, going from just friends to hardcore lovers. Why can't I accept his poly life into it? It is a part of him and I love HIM. All of it. Even the bad, quirky, annoying stuff.

Help? Please?