So, I am not sure where to post this question, but I'll start here.
I am in 6-months-and-counting monogamous relationship with someone who I really love, and who I know loves me.
Without the (somewhat complicated) back story, the main issue is this:
He's leaving the country to travel and rediscover himself for 3 months--something that was planned before we ever got seriously involved. Though at this point we plan on staying together and re-connecting when he gets back, he's been straightforward with me in that he doesn't intend on refraining from sleeping with other people while he's gone. I, on the other hand, would have no problem abstaining while he's gone, and kind of feel like I would want to anyway.
My fear is that either he'll sleep with someone on this trip who he falls madly in love with afterwards, or that sex will just be sex, but that when he comes back there will be a secret between us (we both agreed it wouldn't be talked about).
Is there a way for me to handle this and address my fears without it driving me crazy? The closer it gets, the more I realize how afraid I am of letting him go and sew his wild oats, so to speak.
I know so there are so many poly people and I never could understand how you keep the feeling of the "primary" partner while still having other relationships and them not affecting the main one. I have an equally hard time understanding how he can say he intends to be with me still, but doesn't intend to not sleep with other people.
Also, should I open myself up to sleeping with other people while he's gone, or will that just feel like revenge (I don't feel like I would want to, because it would confuse me, etc.)?
I really want this relationship to work but I am afraid that by being o.k (or trying to be) with his inability to even pretend that he'd try to not sleep with other people, that that will do something to our relationship once we are back together.
I should mention that we plan on staying in touch, and that I am meeting him out there for part of his travels.
I think that it's almost not the sleeping with other people that bothers me as much as his apparent blasé attitude towards it...Where I feel like sleeping with someone else would be a violation of the trust we have between us and confuse the connection I have with him while he's gone, he obviously doesn't see it that way at all for himself.
Help, Tribers, help!!
I am in 6-months-and-counting monogamous relationship with someone who I really love, and who I know loves me.
Without the (somewhat complicated) back story, the main issue is this:
He's leaving the country to travel and rediscover himself for 3 months--something that was planned before we ever got seriously involved. Though at this point we plan on staying together and re-connecting when he gets back, he's been straightforward with me in that he doesn't intend on refraining from sleeping with other people while he's gone. I, on the other hand, would have no problem abstaining while he's gone, and kind of feel like I would want to anyway.
My fear is that either he'll sleep with someone on this trip who he falls madly in love with afterwards, or that sex will just be sex, but that when he comes back there will be a secret between us (we both agreed it wouldn't be talked about).
Is there a way for me to handle this and address my fears without it driving me crazy? The closer it gets, the more I realize how afraid I am of letting him go and sew his wild oats, so to speak.
I know so there are so many poly people and I never could understand how you keep the feeling of the "primary" partner while still having other relationships and them not affecting the main one. I have an equally hard time understanding how he can say he intends to be with me still, but doesn't intend to not sleep with other people.
Also, should I open myself up to sleeping with other people while he's gone, or will that just feel like revenge (I don't feel like I would want to, because it would confuse me, etc.)?
I really want this relationship to work but I am afraid that by being o.k (or trying to be) with his inability to even pretend that he'd try to not sleep with other people, that that will do something to our relationship once we are back together.
I should mention that we plan on staying in touch, and that I am meeting him out there for part of his travels.
I think that it's almost not the sleeping with other people that bothers me as much as his apparent blasé attitude towards it...Where I feel like sleeping with someone else would be a violation of the trust we have between us and confuse the connection I have with him while he's gone, he obviously doesn't see it that way at all for himself.
Help, Tribers, help!!
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SF Bay Area
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Re: Advice Please
Mon, October 22, 2007 - 6:00 PMI've never read the book and don't know if I would espouse its value, but your post reminds me of the title: He's Just Not That Into You. Three months and you're going to be joining him for part of the trip? His outright disregard for your feelings and willingness to put your relationship in jeopardy for a potential piece of ass on his travels speaks volumes. It's not as if you two are already polyamorous. He's giving you the take it or leave it and once he sees you take it lieing down he's going to have less respect for you than he already does. I'm sorry not to sugarcoat this, but the writing is on the wall. He's either not that into you or he's already over you and doesn't have the courage to be straight about it. My advice is to gather up your self-respect and tell him how you really feel about it. If his response is not satisfactory (and be honest with yourself if it's not), then it's time to lay down your own law. Love is a woman's kingdom. If you're not clear about the rules there will be none. -
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Re: Advice Please
Wed, November 21, 2007 - 1:10 PMDitto to Johnny. Sit down and talk about this now with him. Accept what you hear and be true to your own values, your own wants and desires, your own intuition and essence.
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Re: Advice Please
Mon, October 22, 2007 - 6:25 PMHoooo, boy... what a doozie of a dilemma! Here's my $0.02:
"when he comes back there will be a secret between us (we both agreed it wouldn't be talked about)."
Sorry, but this is a BAD idea. One of the most important aspects of any relationship is communication, so why would you agree to NOT communicate about something like this? Actually, you've already communicated about it - why stop the communication now?
Which leads into, "Is there a way for me to handle this and address my fears without it driving me crazy?"
Yes... it's called communication. By having agreed to not discuss something that obviously doesn't sit well with you, you've planted the seeds for possible anger and resentment down the line. If I were in your shoes, I would insist on talking about it, gently, but firmly. ASK him how/why he can intend to still be with you while possibly sleeping with other people, and tell him how you feel about it - don't hold back.
Is he actively going to be TRYING to sleep with others while he's gone, or is it more a matter of him not declining to if the opportunity presents itself? Not that it makes a difference if you're uncomfortable with the idea of him being with others, but if you ask him this, it might open up some more discussion about the issue.
As for opening yourself up to sleeping with other people while he's gone... if it doesn't feel right and natural to you to do so, why do it? Speaking from personal experience, if you're not really into it, it'll only make you feel worse, and might create even more problems.
His blasé attitude towards it is, unfortunately, not uncommon in men - our society still tends to consider men who sleep around as "studs" while considering women who do the same thing as "sluts" or worse. Ask him how he'd feel if the roles were reversed, and YOU were the one going off to sow your wild oats, leaving him behind to wonder what was going on while you were gone.
It all comes down to communication - without it, this sounds like a recipe for disaster.
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Re: Advice Please
Mon, October 22, 2007 - 9:13 PMIt really sounds like you want a different style of relationship. While you say that it has been monogamaous--it sounds like he wants to be in something that is at least somewhat open/poly. Also--it dosen't sound like you are in a place where your relationship is the priority (at least for him) such that there is caring communication about the needs of both of you.
I wish you the bes--but in all honesty it doesn't sound like a compatible partnership--unless you can work this out to a place where both of you feel comfortable. Sounds painful. I have been there and have learned that these things have to be *very* compatible or it doesn't work and leads to so much pain and struggle.
Take good care of yourself and listen to your heart. -
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Re: Advice Please
Tue, October 23, 2007 - 3:47 AMan ultimatum is required from you at this point. Lord knows, my girlfriend has given me a few ;)
And it's worked out because of them. He's got to make some sacrifice here. And honestly, it's not that big a sacrifice to restrain oneself from performing ye olde genital bonk for a time, whatever he may say about male/poly nature. I should know. -
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Re: Advice Please
Tue, October 23, 2007 - 9:52 AMI have to agree with johnny here and I have read the book "he's just not that into you"
I am sure he is into you but really now, is it enough? and is it compatable enough?
people's natures do not change much and if he is not naturally desiring to be monogomous with you now, then, in my experience, you are asking for continuous trouble down the line. don't you want to be with a man who is so delighted to be with you that the last thing he would do is go sleeping around for fun if he knows that it is really hard for you and could jeopardize the relationship? don't you want and deserve that? I have been dragged though the mudd enough times to finally stop settling for anything less that mutual honor and genuine care about the other and someone who basic nature in these matters is compatable..
and I highly recommend reading that book for a reality check dear one and to help you get clear about what you will and will not setlte for...
really!!! here's the link to it on amazon........ www.amazon.com/Just-That-...270-3644034
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Re: Advice Please
Tue, October 23, 2007 - 1:34 PMMy $.02 as short as I can make it:
If you love him, let him go do what he "needs" to do.
If you respect him and give him his space/time- He may come back more in love with you than ever.
He's been honest, its up to you to make the decision.
One thing I don't think you should do is "not talk about it once he gets back"
if its really love you should be able to talk about anything and everything.
I'm not just talking, I've been in this exact situation. You never know if one day you will feel like he feels now...
I hope it works out well for you
xoxo
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Re: Advice Please
Tue, October 23, 2007 - 1:43 PMAs is often the case, I disagree with everyone.
First off, examine your fears about him meeting someone and choosing them over you. Don't you think YOU are an amazing catch? You knew he was going on this journey and yet you chose to involve yourself, why?
Lets say he meets his soulmate on this journey, would you love him if he was able to walk away from that to be with you? Would you want a man like that?
Why not step back and acknowledge that you deserve someone who loves you completely without any doubts and that you are worthy of that love. Then decide what the rest means to you.
Michael
hy do you fear so much that he might meet someone "better" than
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Re: Advice Please
Tue, October 23, 2007 - 4:19 PMI agree with the former two comments, and I would also suggest that you question "his apparent blasé attitude towards it." It may be that he knows it's freaking you out and is trying to avoid hurting/scaring you by making it into no big deal. Of course, he may also just feel that it's no big deal. Point being, you won't actually know until you ask him, and try to express the feelings you're having about it.
I'm impressed that he chose to be honest with you rather than "pretend that he'd try to not sleep with other people." To me that says a lot more about his character than promising his undying fidelity to you. He has been honest with you and now it's your decision to make about whether you can/want to continue your relationship with him based on these parameters- and he's letting you make that decision based on truth and not deceit. I'm not saying it's wrong for you to want/demand/need total monogamy, it's just that if you decide this is unacceptable for you, then it's you that's not into him, not the other way around.
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Re: Advice Please
Tue, October 23, 2007 - 5:21 PMThis may not have anything to do with "he's not that into you" or "you're not that into him". Your dilemma may have a lot more to do with the fact that you are both in different points in your life.
You may stay together through this, you may not. You may grow apart or it may bring you closer together. Is that part of your worry? The unsureness of the situation? It would be for me I admit.
Don't try to strangle the relationship. I am a big believer in "If you love something, set it free". I am not saying this is easy by any means. I feel for you and have been there. One guy said up and down he loved me la la la...was "honest" with me in that he told me while we were apart he might go play. I was so head over heels in love with him I let him. Not saying this is the situation with you, but when I did that he took it to mean later it was all going to be good. Resentment built up and I allowed myself to be walked on and used. So some here can say they admire the honesty...if it comes from his heart and soul, that would certainly be different than what I experienced. I learned my own big lesson from that and isn't that what life is all about? So I know if that ever came into my life again, I would have to let the realtionship go and trust we would come back together when the timing was better. Stay tied as friends and keep honest communication. The secrets will tear you apart. If the love is strong enough for both of you, it will happen again. -
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Re: Advice Please
Wed, October 24, 2007 - 7:35 AMcommunicate, no hiding things when he gets back, if you cannot deal with it, break up until he comes back and start again....let him go, why should you fight to keep him, i have seen your profile you are a beautiful lovely person, it s all working with possesveness anyway...if he needs to go with that freedom, free yourself also, be free of possesve attachments, (easier said than done obviously)...if he meets his soulmate he was not yours, yours is waiting for you to be free....breathe
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Re: Advice Please
Sun, October 28, 2007 - 2:55 PMHey Jille,
I have been in the same problem/situation, and i think its not about what our partner do, or don't do, that should detrermins the nature of the relationship - but its about what you want, what you can accept, who YOU are, and how you love?
We have no power other others, all we can do is to can say yes or no, walk away, or pose our own wishes & wait for our partners responce & let go of the outcome.
If you want him to abstain during his journey, tell him. If he won't, then you have to ask your heart, if that is what you truly want.
My advice is to find out what kind of relationship you prefer without connecting you preference to a specific partner. What is your love identity? To become/accept something you at heart are not, what ever that is, to accomodate your partner, will kill you inside.
many blessings
Tuan
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Re: Advice Please
Sun, October 28, 2007 - 5:09 PM"Also, should I open myself up to sleeping with other people while he's gone, or will that just feel like revenge (I don't feel like I would want to, because it would confuse me, etc.)? "
To thine ownself be true... anything else is like swallowing poison.
Your boyfriend (sounds) like he has been very upfront and honest. You have agreed to a "don't ask, don't tell" policy with regards to this trip, which sets a boundary; one that implies that you accept what he plans to do (or might do). When I read your post, I got the feeling you really don't accept what he plans to do. If your relationship is to truly last then you must truly acept what you have agreed to. While he is away, you will have plenty of time to reflect unpon this. If you find that you worry about his actions and find yourself unable to truly accept what he may do then end the relationship - it is the kindest thing you can do for both of you. These types of doubts and concerns are poison; like most poisons they kill very painfully and very slowly. -
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Re: Advice Please
Mon, October 29, 2007 - 10:34 PMThanks for all your advice.. While I do appreciate the "he's not that into you" comments, I have to say that I think it's a little more complex than that. The bottom line is that I know I'll feel much different once he's actually gone, as opposed to now, when all my anticipation of what might happen is clouding my real feelings. I think my fears have swallowed up the reality of the situation. I know that I have to let him go, and deep down inside I feel like things will probably work out. There is a huge part of me that feels like this trip will be good for our relationship, since he never intended on getting into anything serious with anyone at the time he met me and this will be a good 'break' where he can figure out if he's sure or not about it. It's just the cynical, protecting voice in my head (the one telling me 'he's just not that into you') that is constantly arguing with the romantic, open hearted, hopeful one... I think the best advice to myself, after reading your comments and having a reality check with myself today, is to take it one day at a time.
He is not long out of a 10-year, messy and complicated relationship and this trip is a symbolic and physical space between that life and his new one, and in all honesty I prefer that he take the trip than stay here with me, for his sake and for mine. I'll be much happier to deal with him feeling like he's moved on. If he can do it, and come back with less baggage and a lighter spirit, than it's a positive no matter what happens to us in the end.
In the meantime, before he goes, I don't want to be crazy with living in the future about what might or might not happen. I think it's best we be gentle with each other--it's gonna be hard for both of us . I think I was looking for an easy answer on how to handle the situation, but the truth is there just isn't going to be one. We're just going to have to see how it goes... -
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Re: Advice Please
Tue, October 30, 2007 - 6:42 AMI think you just gave yourself your own best advise :)
Wishing you good karma...
...and be good to yourself too
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Re: Advice Please
Fri, November 2, 2007 - 10:25 PMYou clearly don't need anyone's advice -- you're doing wonderfully on your own.
Just remember to be open and gentle with yourSELF. The more you can be in touch with your emotions and recognize them (and *especially* forgive yourself for feeling them), the more likely you can choose what's right for you, and be supportive of him without judgment or grief, even when it's hard. Sometimes it's really difficult to let someone do what they need to do, even when you logically understand and support their choices...it's a mark of your strength of character that you are encouraging him to be himself and really CHOOSE you, if that's what he wants.
Good luck to both of you on this journey.
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I'm with Johnny.
Thu, November 29, 2007 - 1:02 PMIts hard for a woman to be honest with herself when she loves someone. Thank you for NOT sugarcoating.
Jillie,
If his playmates have to be kept from you and you agreed to keep them from you, you clearly have a problem with his explorations.
You don't have to pretend you're OK with this.
You have to be yourself. You'll only be making yourself suffer to KEEP him. If he were worth it at all to you, you would not have to agree to keep the girls secret- you would wish him well and be there, no questions asked, when he returned. If you truly loved him, his wanderings would not cut too deeply. If you were a bit more secure in the relationship, his wanderings wouldn't cut too deeply.
My two cents: you two are not meant to be in a monogamous relationship at the moment. Start there. Love him but sometimes you have to let go. Let him go. Be happy. You will love again.
