I was recently going through a very difficult healing crisis after several months in the Peruvian Jungle dieting with Ayahuasca. The medicine had given me incredible gifts, healings and insights, and if I could have found the strength to abandon all my pre-existing obligations to my old identity, I would have stayed and continued my apprenticeship.

I had been back in North American Society for about 2 months, and the integration was painful to say the least. I felt like the freshly blossoming delicate flower of my Heart was being trampled by mindless ogres. I retreated into solitude for as long as I could, until financial obligations dragged me back into the brambles of life. Barely able to speak or make eye contact with people, my soul still in Peru and my body limping through a gloomy waking nightmare.

CSDD - Classic Shamanic Death Disorder. Knowing thats what was happening sure didn't make it any easier to deal with. One day on a tearful walk through the woods, feeling the love of my plant friends and wanting nothing more than to be with them forever, let my body become food for their delicate roots, I spotted a pair of big red Amanitas.

I really knew nothing about this Friend, except that some said posionous, some said hallucinogenic and poisonous, and some said neither.

That day, they called to me. I picked the giant pair of them, at least 6-8 inches in diameter each, took them home, diced them up and simmered them for about 15 minutes in a cup full of water. The resulting broth smelled and tasted great.

I prayed over the cup, and the tears began to flow as I fully confronted and confessed my helplessness and inability find meaning in this World, the sadness and sense of failure I felt had been always present beneath every momentary distraction of joy. I quickly drank the cup, which tasted like delicious mushroom soup, and layed down in bed listening to some recorded Icaros from Peru. I remember feeling sleepy, a bit hypnotized, and then i was asleep.

I woke up a few hours later, sweating profusely and in a strange trance which I could only describe as a cross between an Ambien and a fever...fell back asleep thinking some strange disjointed and abstract thoughts that scurried around my head like little gnomes or dwarves.

I felt a bit nauseous, and did eventually puke up a bunch of weird green foam a few different times...I wouldn't say it was particularly pleasant for miserable, it was just something I felt I had to go through...after months of ayahuasca purging I have come to accept and appreciate that aspect of medicine and figured if the mushrooms gave me a fever, it was because I had something I needed to burn out.

At the peak of the experience, I half awoke and there was something or things hovering over me, applying what I can only describe as something like an energetic version of the waxing strips ladies use for their legs...and then 'they' said, in a very matter of fact way, "ok, get ready for the healing." and then ripped away the strip! It was as if they had tore out a blockage, or layer of dead energy, or negative entity, or or or...who knows!

All in all, I think I slept about 16 hours. When I finally woke up, I felt pretty damned hung over. Stomach was really miserable, and cramping which was also probably exacerbated by the fact that I fasted the day before. Vision was blurred and I could feel a lot of swelling behind my eyes. I had a vague idea that maybe I had poisoned myself after all and I started to get really harsh and critical on myself for doing such stupid shit. That day I slept off and on again, and slowly felt a bit better. I slept rather well that night and woke up the next morning feeling...changed.

Changes I have noted since the experience:
UNPRECEDENTED mental and visual clarity.
Sense of Joy and Fullness.
Sense of belonging to this life.
Connection with other humans and plants.
Good humor and laughter! More laughter in the last two weeks than the last two years!
General sense of lightness, like something spiritually heavy has been lifted.
Positive and grateful towards the future.
Interest in what I used to consider mundane details of the world (other people, machines, noises etc)
Ability to stay in my body, and BE PRESENT! THIS IS HUGE! NEVER BEFORE IN MY LIFE DO I REMEMBER REALLY FEELING LIKE I WAS ACTUALLY 'HERE'!


Since the initial dose, I recovered for about a week and then over the last week have been eating tiny pieces of dried cap before bed, 1 gram or less, and notice greater and greater physical energy and mental clarity. I believe what I puked up in the first healing was actually a form of mucus that had infected my insides, similar to candida or something (this would acount for my fatigue and could be attributed to the antibiotic properties of the mushroom).

I have also been incredibly congestion free (usually sinuses and throat are very mucusy this time of year) and feel that some kind of pressure that i normally have in my head during the fall/winter has been alleviated (possibly sinus).

Energized, positive, depression free, all in all, A BEAUTIFUL MIRACLE I WILL BE FOREVER GRATEFULL TO THIS SPIRIT FOR!

I would love any feedback from anyone regarding experience with taking small maintenance doses of Amanita for long term use.
How this would affect liver/kidney function, tolerance buildup, etc etc...

So far I believe this may be the most effective anti-depressant other than ayahuasca, but without the difficulty maintaining an MAOI friendly diet that maintanance dosing with vine requires....

ALL LOVE ALL LIGHT