There are some really great things about Arizona. . .Phoenix just isn't a very pretty city. . .and it's too hot. But there are a lot of great people here, and the cultural undercurrents are running strong.

I just move here so I could be wrong: people in AZ are super nice and polite! But I'm starting to realize that this attitude is actually more contagious than sincere. I'm from Maryland and I miss all the rude people and GENUINELY nice people there! Bah!

Arizona is totally not EPIC. It is probably the single worst place in America to live. Yes, I said it, it is.

Why would I make a statement like that? Two words: 121 degrees. Or two more words: 34 days (the number of days it was above 110 in Phoenix this past summer). Do you know what that means? That means when the rest of the country is out and enjoying summertime, we're burning up in hell. While kids in Wisconsin are enjoying 4th of July fireworks, our kids see it from the backseat of their family's air conditioned car. There is no more boring place in the USA than Phoenix during the summertime. The only things you can do in Phoenix during May, June, July, August & September are:

a.) Go to the mall
b.) Go bowling
c.) Watch a movie
d.) Sit in a lukewarm tub outside at your apartment complex with 65 redneck kids swimming around you screaming "Marco! POLO!"

Yeah, yeah I know..."Arizona is amazing in the winter," cries Mr. and Mrs. Phoenician. Au contraire. Phoenix is nice from the middle of October to about the first week of November. And then again during a few days in March. Then God turns the oven on again. Hell, it's October 14 now and the temperature is finally (after six months) back in the 80s. The rest of the winter is chilly. No swimming. No sunbathing. Phoenix pretends it's San Diego but in all actuality it gets much, much colder than all of Southern California, and conversely much, much, much hotter. And if you don't believe me, move here and check out your electric bills. All year long they're crazy high from running the air nonstop to running the heat nonstop.

There is absolutely no culture here. Unless you consider the Spanish graffiti spray painted randomly around your neighborhood forms of culture. The city has sprawled out in every single direction. The traffic is unbearable. And even if you get to leave the city on weekends (like the rest of the 4 million or so of us try to), you have to sit in a traffic jam to get out only to sit in a traffic jam to come back in. Seriously, who planned the highway between LA (the nation's third biggest city) and PHX (the nation's fifth biggest city) and thought, "I think we should keep it two lanes!!!"

People here suck so friggen bad too. They're all soccer moms with gigantic, lifted SUVs or they're scum-sucking real estate agents that have no soul. They treat everyone else like crap. They drive with utter disregard of any sort of law ever written. And they let their little brat kids drive their ATVs throughout the neighborhood to "practice" before they take them to the dunes on I-8 on weekends to kill themselves.

But I hear there's jobs! Lots and lots of jobs. Gobs of jobs. Jobs for everyone! #1 job market in the country: Phoenix, Arizona! The jobs they are currently offering here are:
a.) warehouse workers
b.) road construction workers
c.) taco stand cashiers OR
d.) house auctioneers/bank foreclosure representatives

Arizona natives suck ass. They treat the rest of us like shit all while preaching out how "ruined" their state is now that we've moved in. They talk about how we should move our "liberal" asses back to wherever it is we came from. As far as I'm concerned, it's kinda hard to feel welcome in a place where John McCain and Jon Kyl and Joe Arpaio are treated as some sort of western movie heroes.

Yeah yeah, I know. I'm gonna get the deluge of hate-postings. "ARIZONA ROCKS! GET OUT IF YOU HATE IT!" I'm way ahead of you there. I'm leaving. The way I look at it, if you live in a place where central air conditioning is not only a means to stay comfortable, it's a matter of life and death, that's probably not the best place to raise your kids. Or to have pets. That's actually my idea of hell. And it's all here for you, in wonderful sunbaked Arizona.

It's a DRY heat, my ass...obviously the suckers who uttered those famous words never spent any time here during monsoons. Only in Arizona would anyone ever include the phrase, "Oh my God, look at that HAIBOOB!" in their vernacular. I'd rather shovel snow then pick flying dirt out of my contact lenses ever again, thank you. At least you can have a shot of whiskey to warm you up. If you drink shots of alcohol in this hellhole, it could kill you.

So to sum this up: it sucks here, I'm leaving. Arizona, I can't imagine who would want to live here in 5 years. What with Global Warming and the crazy humid monsoons we've been having. So I'm getting out and spending some time in the real West. I just hope that Utah and New Mexico are paying attention. They should plan now before they're ruined from all the Arizona refugees: "I'm on FIRE! It's 130 degrees! ARGH!!"