Ask Aunt Bea's topics - tribe.net

Pornography

Rev. Jarvis Gaske — Tue, 13 May 2008 22:32:37 GMT

Many young people these days are tempted by the internets porn.

I have been researching this menace to our youth. So far I have discovered many forms of this menace. There is hard core, anal sex parties, oral sex clubs, gay sex, interracial sex gang bangs, Asian porn, monster cocks, midget and drawf sex exhibits, MILF sex cams, chubby chaser sex, S&M, fucking machines. So far.

To protect our chilrens, Is there more internet sex and fornicating i should be looking into? To protect our youth.

The youth of Mayberry could be corrupted by these porns. That is why we are searching them on line.

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 8 replies

Everybody, please sit down for a discreet disclosure. .

Lorenzo — Wed, 14 May 2008 01:14:30 GMT

from you. . .

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 6 replies

Cabananabanana boys.

Snert — Tue, 13 May 2008 00:43:31 GMT

What are the requirements?
Maybe I'm looking for a life of sheltered ease and summer sunshine
Mozart wasn't a cabanabana boy and Isaac Asimov weren't neither.
What's it pay?

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 11 replies

So there I was...

PQL — Mon, 12 May 2008 21:50:01 GMT

standing in front of the egg display in the grocery section, when....

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 28 replies

Attention, Please!.

Snert — Tue, 13 May 2008 11:38:43 GMT

Angie wasn't wounded. Sorry, faulty info. She messed up her knee? ankle? in PT or a sporting type deal. I haven't talked to her but her mom has. Scetchy details but I got the gist - SHE'S HOME!!!!!!
NOT war related, so to speak. So no Purple Heart, Maybe a Blue Knee or Bum Ankle.
She's with DH and kids and I hope to see her and hers this weekend for the smashed tater dinner.
I so happy I might bust out loud. If I do, they'll hear it in Alabama.

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 10 replies

are you psychic?

aunt bea needs to get back to exercisin — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 23:21:28 GMT

scare the dave 23 with your insight. sey ooooooooo(my version of creepy sci fi music) the dave.

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 36 replies

Everybody, please stand by for a major announcement. . .

Lorenzo — Fri, 09 May 2008 22:48:25 GMT

from you!

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 26 replies

have you ever had anything removed?

aunt bea needs to get back to exercisin — Sat, 10 May 2008 17:57:09 GMT

amy had an 'attatchment' removed. tell her about your experience! sey hey amy.

once i had a wart frozen off of my big toe. it hurt.

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 29 replies

are naps as good as they seem?

Lorenzo — Fri, 09 May 2008 16:52:29 GMT

any nappists here?

some people say swim laps,
some say take naps. . .

nappism is an ideology that can open up your unconscious mind, starting with a yawn!

meanwhile, I rest my case. .

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 29 replies

Tent Revival Tonight

Rev. Jarvis Gaske — Sun, 11 May 2008 03:19:15 GMT

On the edge of Mayberry (outside of jurisdictional limits, no permit required) there will be a Holy Roller Tent Revival!

Speaking in tongues, snake handling, faith healing, holy rolling.

Praise the Lord.

Come one, come all. Bring your pappy, your meemaw, and grandma too.

Bring the young uns for bible study.

Free balloons soda pops for the chilrin.

There will be a singles Christian mixer and chaparoned dance after the services, with lecture and introduction to Christian internets dating.

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 27 replies

which flavor will you have?

wildapache — Tue, 06 May 2008 20:04:57 GMT

i'll take a Jamoca almond fudge...

"Irvine Robbins, co-founder of Baskin-Robbins whose penchant for creating unusual ice-cream flavors helped push post-World War II America far beyond its chocolate-vanilla-strawberry tastes, has died. He was 90."

http://www.latimes.com/news/obituaries/la-me-robbins7-2008may07,0,3080340.story

http://www.baskinrobbins.com/

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 27 replies

What religion is Sherrif Andy Taylor?

Rev. Jarvis Gaske — Tue, 13 May 2008 04:18:20 GMT

I'd like to invite him to a special service we hold at the tent revival, just for law enforcement.

But I don't want to offend him none if he is Catholic or somethig.

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 1 reply

I am sorry

cptpegleg — Sun, 11 May 2008 22:50:39 GMT

did I miss Beverly's welcome thread? What was it about? Was it the one about swimming. I swear I cannot recall a welcome thread for Beverly. Aunt Bea, unhand that cabana boy and create a welcome thread. I need to know more about this younger version of someone I know.

ummm, please.

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 16 replies

what are your plans for the pentecost?!

aunt bea needs to get back to exercisin — Sun, 11 May 2008 03:21:45 GMT

tell rev. jarvis. in texas, everyone sounds like they are speaking in tounges. sey 'howdy folks' rev.

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 10 replies

what would you not eat raw?

aunt bea needs to get back to exercisin — Wed, 07 May 2008 04:22:00 GMT

tell robot and flower. sey 'yummy' r&f. (hey! i said 'what'; not 'who')

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 27 replies

Tomorrow at this time. . .

Lorenzo — Sun, 11 May 2008 05:45:50 GMT

it will be, gasp. . .today! aarrgghh!!

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 15 replies

Six pack holders

Snert — Sun, 11 May 2008 03:32:54 GMT

I save nearly all my plastic six-pack holders. Don't ask why I save them , I don't know, but does any one know of something creative and useful that can be done with these? Help a landfill, recycle.
Well, drat! The ice in my tea melted.while I was drinking beer,

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 12 replies

Please, please, please

lynn1 — Thu, 08 May 2008 23:15:22 GMT

if you are on my friends list and you think anything of me at all,,,please post some pics..please,,I beg of you..One of my Burner friends posted a pic of an open mouth and it dont look good at all,,,I cant describe what the mouth looks like,,it is just a dentists dream of tons of money...Please...

*Gets down on knees and pleads and begs..*

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 18 replies

How much does. . .

Lorenzo — Sat, 10 May 2008 16:08:44 GMT

silliness weigh?

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 5 replies

the ants go

Artemis Entreri — Fri, 09 May 2008 23:36:01 GMT

marching one by one
piss off, piss off
the ants go marching one by one
piss off, piss off
the ants go marching one by the one
the little one dies cause i smashed him with my thumb
and they all go marching down, to the ground
to get out of my way
doom doom doom

the ants go marching two by two
piss off, piss off
the ants go marching two by two
piss off, piss off
the ants go marching two by two
the little dies by my shoe
and they all go marching down to the ground
to get out of my way
doom doom doom

the ants go marching three by three
piss off, piss off
the ants go marching three by three
piss off, piss off
the ants go marching three by three
the little one dies while climbing my knee
and they all go marching down to the ground
to get out of my way
doom doom doom

the ants go marching four by four
piss off, piss off
the ants go marching four by four
piss off, piss off
the ants go marching four by four
the little dies by the door
and they all go marching down to the ground
to get out of my way
doom doom doom

the ants go marching five by five
piss off, piss off
the ants go marching five by five
piss off, piss off
the ants go marching five by five
the little one dies cause i dont want him alive
and they all go marching down to the ground
to get out of my way
doom doom doom

the ants go marching six by six
piss off, piss off
the ants go marching six by six
piss off, piss off
the ants go marching six by six
the little one dies when i smash him with a stick
and they all go marching down to the ground
to get out of my way
doom doom doom

the ants go marching seven by seven
piss off, piss off
the ants go marching seven by seven
piss off, piss off
the ants go marching seven by seven
the little dies, he aint going to heaven
and they all go marching down to the ground
to get out of my way
doom doom doom

the ants go marching eight by eight
piss off, piss off
the ants go marching eight by eight
piss off, piss off
the ants go marching eight by eight
the little one dies by eating the bait
and they all go marching down to the ground
to get out of my way
doom doom doom

the ants go marching nine by nine
piss off, piss off
the ants go marching nine by nine
piss off, piss off
the ants go marching nine by nine
the little one dies when i crush his spine
and they all go marching down to the ground
to get out of my way
doom doom doom

the ants go marching ten by ten
piss off, piss off
the ants go marching ten by ten
piss off, piss off
the ants go marching ten by ten
the litte one dies again and again
and they all go marching down to the ground
to get out of my way
doom doom doom

there must be multiple ant colonies around here. I have them only coming to two areas where i am putting out terro, but they still are not gone yet. I have been putting it out for two weeks now. plus i bought terro pellets to spread outside. last year it worked in less than a week to keep them from showing up. I wonder if the ants have become resistant to terro

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 15 replies

Cakes

Snert — Fri, 09 May 2008 01:43:17 GMT

I need a cake for my mom's birthday.
Ginger/banana with vanilla/llemon butter cream icing.
That would beat the hell out of a candle stuck in a Twinkee.

Just posting something personal
This is Mayberry, right? And we all know each other.

Mom likes them old songs, like 'Long Black Veil' and 'Foggy Mountain Breakdown', and 'Walbash Cannonball''. 'Walkin' After Midnight', "Tennesse Waltz" Stuff like that.

She'll be 80 May 16 th.

"My momma love mes, she loves me, she gets down on her knees and hugs me. She loves me like a rock."

She's still here, thank the Goddess..

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 11 replies

Hey gang I got a job!

Sayari — Fri, 09 May 2008 17:37:39 GMT

at a jewlery shop, & I'm having a yard sale tomorrow, stop on by!

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 10 replies

Aunt Bea??

lynn1 — Wed, 07 May 2008 19:06:08 GMT

I am home early. I have alien spiders crawling around in my right arm and shoulder and I have to say it is creeping me out..I will intentionally overdue it, so that it will hurt, not crawl,,,,,,uuugggghhhhhh,,,I may have a pinched nerve in my neck,,

How do you get rid of alien spiders that crawl around on your bones?

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 22 replies

Aunt Bea???

Lorenzo — Wed, 07 May 2008 20:17:00 GMT

everbody else has got some questions, so i want to have some too!

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 45 replies

A Sammich Party for P-Dawg!!

Captain P-Dawg — Fri, 09 May 2008 16:56:18 GMT

Come celebrate our dear friend P-Dawg!

http://tribes.tribe.net/puppetparty

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 0 replies

what happens if...

aunt bea needs to get back to exercisin — Sun, 04 May 2008 14:03:05 GMT

you hang upside down until all the blood rushes to your head? tell 'chelle. sey 'get me down from here' 'chelle.

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 15 replies

have you ever eaten a bug?

aunt bea needs to get back to exercisin — Sun, 04 May 2008 01:57:45 GMT

tell your experiences to miki moO! sey 'ackkkk phtewy' miki moO.

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 16 replies

Aunt Bea.......

CoCo — Wed, 07 May 2008 16:41:51 GMT

Do you know how to get fusing goo off of an iron?

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 13 replies

asleep or awake?

aunt bea needs to get back to exercisin — Mon, 05 May 2008 02:16:27 GMT

tell lorenzo. sey 'snooze button' lorenzo!

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 20 replies

Auntz Bee's: What'z Dawgs Heavens LIkes, and all?!

P-Angel-Dawg — Tue, 06 May 2008 19:02:40 GMT

Eyez reals sicks nows, andz mys Sisters iz takings me's to's this place callleds Dawg Heavens wheres Eyez cans feels goodz, andz rests, ands alls!........Eyez guess thatz yours answers iz mores fors alls mys friends thatz mights nots know 'bouts this Dawg Heaven place.......Eyez doo'nutz thinks thatz Eyez wills haves internets access'sez theres, and alls! Eye justs wanteds to's says Goods-Byes to youz, andz alls ofs mys dears friends.....Eye Real Loves Youz, Andz Alls!..........Please goes outz andz haves a's delicious'sez Sammich ofs yours choices, ands thinks ofs me's.........Hopesfullys wheeze cans alls hooks ups somes times laters, ands alls! Byes-Byes'sez....!

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 36 replies

It's a Sale!!!!

Captain P-Dawg — Sun, 04 May 2008 14:10:48 GMT

Everbody run!!!!! Buy something!!!

http://congo.tribe.net/template/pub%2Coc%2CDetail.vm?topicid=62598e4e-9429-4a02-a144-5e1259e5b5fe&plugin=blog&inst=9673251

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 23 replies

Just stopping by......

Brimstone - Evil Sock — Mon, 05 May 2008 19:51:34 GMT

TO TELL YOU ALL THAT I STILL HATE YOU!
(except for Static and Trash and the Sock Science guy.....yeah and also Parti Gal if I've had 10 shots of booze and no one is around)

Aunt Bea this place is still a dump, lucky you can cook!

WORSHIP THE ETERNAL SOCK EMPIRE YOU SISSIES!
MUHAHAHAHAHA!

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 8 replies

Aunt Bea, I had 2 job interviews!

Sayari — Fri, 02 May 2008 01:44:00 GMT

my friend Carl fixed my computer, I got vintage caberet costumes from my friend Bill, & Les cooked me a steak dinner, I made smore's brownies for all the nieghbors, they are good!

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 9 replies

any baby care questions?

aunt bea needs to get back to exercisin — Fri, 02 May 2008 22:08:59 GMT

ask dr. spock! sey 'ahhhh' dr. (aren't you glad i didn't ask you to cough?)

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 19 replies

Lookie, lookie!!! I went shopping! See what I got!

Phaedra — Tue, 06 May 2008 04:07:54 GMT

Aunt Bea! Aunt Bea!

I got me a Cabana Boy! Yes I did! I decided to get myself a gift cause I deserve it! And what would be a greater gift than a Cabana Boy!!!

I posted his photo for you to check out! I got a good one, didn't I? My first Cabana Boy!

Now, I forget, what's he supposed to do?

Oh yeah! Drinks!!! More drinks!!! How about some snuggles and hickies (I like to get those!).

Uh . . . later, Aunt Bea . . . I gotta go now . . .

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 7 replies

do you use your library?

aunt bea needs to get back to exercisin — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 14:49:59 GMT

how and how often? tell mary. sey 'shhhhh!' mary!

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 42 replies

Do people like. . .

Lorenzo — Mon, 05 May 2008 15:04:51 GMT

even numbers better, or odd??

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 10 replies

Which way to the soup line?

Jeff - Bull Whip Apprentice — Thu, 01 May 2008 22:57:26 GMT

Aunt Bea! Aunt Bea!

Home Depot is closin' 15 stores nationwide. Is this a sure sign of depression? I feel depressed.

Excuse me while I find a baby pigeon to kick.

I'm just sayin' . . .

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 25 replies

cinco de mayo!!!

aunt bea needs to get back to exercisin — Mon, 05 May 2008 14:20:08 GMT

this is not about mayonaise! arriba!!!!!

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 4 replies

I live in fear

Thystle — Sat, 03 May 2008 01:12:18 GMT

I live in fear that one day I will not pay close enough attention and accidentally use a frozen cube of brine shrimp in place of a frozen cube of crushed garlic in the recipe I am making. Or just as bad...accidentally feed my fishies frozen garlic instead of brine shrimp!

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 20 replies

happy 'national appreciation for chickens day'!!

aunt bea needs to get back to exercisin — Sun, 04 May 2008 13:39:57 GMT

especially for sqweegle, jesus and simpleton.

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 12 replies

Psychic Dream

Thystle — Sun, 04 May 2008 00:58:13 GMT

Weirdest thing. Last night I dreamed that a co-worker/friend bought a house and I went over to see it. It was not a new house and was already furnished. It looked as if the owners had just picked up and left. So this morning I go in to work and start telling him about the dream I had about the house he bought. As I started describing the house, he starts to get a funny look on his face. I described the cheap 70's style paneling, the dingy gold carpet. Then he asked me about the layout of the house and I told him about the short little hall way that went into a small dining area, then the kitchen.
He visibly blanched and told me that I just described his Grandparents house in NC that he will one day inherit.
*cue Twilight Zone music*

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 9 replies

Hello to everyone!

artsykat — Sat, 03 May 2008 16:04:32 GMT

I am back...and wanted to say hey. Finished school friday. I will never take 18 hours again, but it was worth it. Hope all is well.

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 8 replies

: (

Lorenzo — Mon, 05 May 2008 03:10:44 GMT

: )

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 2 replies

OH . . . MY . . . GOSH!!!

Jeff - Bull Whip Apprentice — Sat, 03 May 2008 07:58:36 GMT

Aunt Bea! Aunt Bea!

Phaedra went out the front door and went into the garage and up to the kitchen door and started scratchin' on the door and sayin' "Let me in" in a raspy, zombie breath!!! I got real scared and fell over on the kitchen floor on my side but I scrambled up and ran into the very back of Anna Nicole's closet and stuck my little head into my blankey on the floor!! I was scared beyond belief!! I thought Phaedra had become one of the Undead!! She came into the closet, laughin', and told me she was sorry and she didn't mean to scare me! I had tears in my little eyes and was shiverin'! She hugged me and kissed me but I'm still scared! Please tell her not to do that to me anymore! It almost gave me a heart attack! I'm just sayin' . . .

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 5 replies

Mayberry Speed-date line

Sqweegle — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 20:10:48 GMT

Hi-
I'm Sqweegle!
No-
I'm a pixie-
not dat damn idiot travel gnome!
I REALLY hate dat gnome-
sorry-
one ov my chickens
crapped in my shoes dis-mornin',
Let's try startin' again-
Wanna go fer a ride
on Myrtle,
my fruit-bat?

DING!!!!!!!!!

NEXT

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 58 replies

Animal Idol

Duck No F — Sat, 03 May 2008 18:50:35 GMT

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1H0TRG0yZ8I

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 3 replies

who is your favorite

aunt bea needs to get back to exercisin — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 15:02:14 GMT

artist that you aren't related to? feel free to post a photo for beverly of your favorite piece. sey 'that's pretty!' beverly.

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 14 replies

umm

Snert — Fri, 02 May 2008 03:02:46 GMT

I thought I had something to say but after I thought a second time, I forgot what I wanted to say.
Do I need help?

And, no I don't sit here typing this stuff naked like some do. I do it clothed in my dignity while wrapped in shroulds of glory.

Yeah, right.
And the Easter bunny is made of green cheese and lives with Santa Clause in Santa Ana!
I could go on but I'm numbtiziling my sensory strunodes so I can sleep for once in a while.
I wuv u 2 .

Dig you later, taters.
Burrrrrrrp,

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 12 replies

Betty when you call me, you can call Me-ow!!!

Just_A_Simpleton — Fri, 02 May 2008 04:24:34 GMT

I can't help it. I always hear "Meow".

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 5 replies

Tardl.

Snert — Thu, 01 May 2008 00:24:01 GMT

Auntie Bea, I'm really tard of being tard, and I don't rally know what to do.
Blow up the tv? Learn to knit with cat-shed hair?
Learn to fuggle twinkies backwards against the wind?
Shuffle an' cut before I deal?
Learn not to do 'That' again?
Quitwhilequitin'sgood? ,

Later, Taters.

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 13 replies

Hey Sister o Mine

cptpegleg — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 21:56:20 GMT

I can't send a message from work, no "social networking" your phone has been busy all day, do you want me to come over tonight or tomorrow?

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 28 replies

How do you stop.....

Amanda Hugnkiss — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 01:45:02 GMT

your neighbours cat from peeing on your front door?

I am tired of mopping up someone else's cats pee!

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 29 replies

Does ye know Denice?

Tafka — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 00:54:37 GMT

She wants t' get into the Big House fer some silly reason...
If ye like her
http://tribes.tribe.net/getdeniceinthebbhouse

Show those Network nincompoops what a real woman looks like!!

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 12 replies

what is your favorite dance?

aunt bea needs to get back to exercisin — Sun, 27 Apr 2008 03:32:16 GMT

tell will the dancer! sey 'i give it a 99' will.

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 32 replies

401 new posts!

fang — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 03:01:49 GMT

Can anyone give me the 'quick and dirty' version of the last 401 new posts?

common', it'll be fun!!!

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 22 replies

Dish Soap

Thystle — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 14:01:33 GMT

Hey Aunt Bea, what are they making dish soap out of these days? I got about half-way through a bottle of Palmolive and (economical housekeeper that I am) I topped it off with water to create a full bottle because the dish soap was pretty thick and needed a bit of diluting. Well, instead of the soap becoming a slightly more watery version of itself, it turned into this even thicker gelatinous goo that came out of the bottle in little clumps, did not dissolve in water, did not get any dishes clean and just slipped down the drain like a slug. What gives? I'm sticking to the Trader Joe's brand of dish soap from now on.

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 7 replies

Why?

Qamar_al-Shefaa — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 05:55:14 GMT

am I hungry again? I just ate a big plate of spinach/portobello/goat cheese enchiladas with black beans and rice a couple of hours ago.

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 11 replies

does anyone know how to make scotch?

aunt bea needs to get back to exercisin — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 16:40:42 GMT

brew beer? any kind of home brew? i know how to make bathtub gin. and make sure it is fit to drink. share your knowledge with bloke. sey g'day bloke.

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 23 replies

I say!

Steed — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 04:20:22 GMT

15,114 new posts while I've been away! I hope you've all been well while I've been off on assignment(s).

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 7 replies

New Party at the Captian's!!

cptpegleg — Sun, 27 Apr 2008 16:12:04 GMT

http://tribes.tribe.net/puppetparty

Come one, come all!!! Come celebrate Mema and Gin's birthdays, as well as congradulate Mema on her new grandson!!

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 0 replies

should a woman ask out a man?

aunt bea needs to get back to exercisin — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 06:05:31 GMT

have you or have you been? tell mistressacha. sey woof! sacha.

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 33 replies

what would you do if...

aunt bea needs to get back to exercisin — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 03:22:44 GMT

i shouted "DUCK!!!"? tell duck, no f. sey quack duck.

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 8 replies

Oh Aunty Bea....LOL

lynn1 — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 02:02:45 GMT

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what
happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there
was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in
his room.

'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious,
Dad .Can you help?'
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him
intohis bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his
back,looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'
'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having babies.'
'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'

I was equally outraged. 'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said
wedidn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.

'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?'
sheinquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically! ).
'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in
mymost loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed. 'Well, it's just a little
hard to tell on some guys, you know,' sheinformed me (Again with the
sarcasm!)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.
Ishrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I
announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.'
'Oh, gross!' they shrieked.

'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter
of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like
atiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.

'It's a breech birth,' my wife whispered, horrified.
'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.

'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when
itnext appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried
severalmore times with the same results.

'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know 'Maybe
theycould talk us through the trauma' (You see a pattern here with
thefemales in my house?)

'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet
withmy son holding the cage in his lap.

'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged. 'I don't think lizards do
Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own
young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of
her womb, for God's sake).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
little animal through a magnifying glass.

'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.
'Oh, very interesting, ' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I
speak to you privately for a moment?'

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.

'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor.
Infact, that isn't EVER going to happen . . Ernie is a boy. You
see,Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into
maturity,like most male species, they um . . . Um . Masturbate. Just
the way hedid, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this. 'So, Ernie's just . . Just,
Excited,' my wife offered. 'Exactly,' the vet replied, relieved that
weunderstood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle.
Andgiggle. And then even laugh loudly.

'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that
thewoman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my
flawlessmanliness.

Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just . . That . .
I'mpicturing you pulling on its . its . . teeny little . .' She
gasped formore air to bellow in laughter once more.

'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled
thelizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was
goingto be okay.

'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs.

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 13 replies

Thistle is my hero!

pipthewonderdog — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 02:50:00 GMT

She just saved me from a rampaging, wild doberman who tore out of a gate her dad thought was latched and tried to grab me. I gots her slobbers on me, but her teeth didn't dig in because Thistle scooped me up just in time and she yelled and growled at the nasty doberman til it went into a quivering down-stay until her dad came to get her.
Once he had a hold of her leash, she became all vicious again, and tried several times to bite me! It kept lunging and snapping at us and the man could barely hold the dog back. He kept asking us how we were, and as soon as Thistle looked me over thoroughly and determined that I was unharmed, she told the man to get his dog away from us cause once is almost slipped from his grip when Thistle put me on the ground to see if I was ok. It almost bit me again! He still hung around, as if he wanted to chat and Thistle told him to just go away. He finally took his mean, dog away. I was glad of that.
Thistle gave me an aspirin when we got home, cause I did have to dangle a bit from my collar just to get away from huge gnashing teeth, but I'm fine, really!
I think Thistle's pretty shook up though...she had a really bad day and I guess this was just the cherry on top. I think she needs some scotch. She really should look on the bright side...I wasn't hurt in the least!

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 14 replies

ever have one of those days...

aunt bea needs to get back to exercisin — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 20:27:12 GMT

when you were just too tired to be motivated? tell torroid about it. i hope a torroid is not like a hemeroid. say hey, torroid.

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 47 replies

Porch

Snert — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 01:40:34 GMT

Auntie Bea, can I find a semi-permenent curling-up spot under your front porch?
It's getting scary out here and I NEED a safe, secure place to hide for the weekend.
The Bozos In Charge know my phone number and I'm scared they'll call me wanting to sell me stuff I don't need and can't use.
I promise not to cry out loud and to put the empties in the 'Empties Bucket'.
I wasn't me that peed on the tulips, and I won't do it again.
Just on weekends? Purty puleeze?

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 2 replies

Marigolds don't smell that great . . .

Jeff - Bull Whip Apprentice — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 21:56:32 GMT

Aunt Bea! Aunt Bea!

Phaedra was tellin' me about how much she loves Jade and all and she said that Jade's poop smells like flowers!!! Is that possible?

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 15 replies

My new mouse

Thystle — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 03:15:40 GMT

I discovered this morning that coffee and my pc mouse don't mix. I went to move something on my desk this morning, and accidentally bumped my coffee cup and the entire contents were divided between my mouse and my lap. It was my one morning of the week when I actually had a bit of time to spend online before work too!
What a great way to start off the day! *sigh*

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 15 replies

Auntie bee

herman (maxx) — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 03:10:46 GMT

What has Corvus done with Dudley?
Dudley, Dudders, Duds is like my bestestest friend bassett hound and he isn't around much lately......

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 12 replies

drive of the Tiger

Artemis Entreri — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 10:22:29 GMT

Driving up
back on the tee
did my swings took my chances
hit good distance now I'm back on the green
just a man and his putter to survive
so many times
I happen too win
you trade your driver for irons
don't lose your grip on the club in your hands
you must fight just to keep them alive

It's the drive of the tiger
its the putt of the night
sinking the challenge of our rivals
and the last known golfer hits his balls in the night
and he's hoping to have the drive of the tiger

Tee to green
out in the fairway
hitting dogleft
putting fast
the pack of the fans still take to the street
for the golfer with the skill to survive...

It's the drive of the tiger
its the putt of the night
sinking the challenge of our rivals
and the last known golfer hits his balls in the night
and he's hoping to have the drive of the tiger

Driving up
straight to the tee
had the puts got the glory
hit the distance now I'm not gonna stop
just a man and his putter to survive

It's the drive of the tiger
its the putt of the night
sinking the challenge of our rivals
and the last known golfer hits his balls in the night
and he's hoping to have the drive of the tiger

The drive of the tiger......
The drive of the tiger......
The drive of the tiger......

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 10 replies

I'm a brazen hussy

Qamar_al-Shefaa — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 19:36:08 GMT

And as such, I'm letting Aunt Bea and the rest of you know that I started a new tribe for my business. :D

http://tribes.tribe.net/qamarstreasures

Come on over and get blinged up!

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 1 reply

Hey Aunty Bea?

lynn1 — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 21:56:46 GMT

Have you ever felt you were born too late or too early before or after your true time? I am thinkin I should be around dead by now...It seems the younger gen (No offense to anyone in here, I am speaking of the fruits I work with) feels that folks with my work ethics and work habits are really old and these things no longer exist.....So i am thinking I should have passed away quite awhile ago..What are they gonna do when all of us that actually know something other than a comp and that musicy thingy are all gone??

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 20 replies

Strange Reactions

Artemis Entreri — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 00:36:39 GMT

I had change, keys, and a rechargeable aaa battery in my pocket. the battery became very hot.

anyone know why?

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 13 replies

Aunt Bee make this pain in my gut stop aching...

jAcKsTeRmAsTeR — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 06:26:16 GMT

My sweet ol' cousin came home in a body bag from Iraq today.What are we supposed to do now??
How do I get rid of this pain in my gut?? Help.

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 15 replies

What to do . . .

Phaedra — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 02:21:42 GMT

Aunt Bea!

I'm scared! Big food shortages abound! Japan is outta butter, China and India are buying up our wheat and rice. The shelves for rice are looking bare in the local supermarkets - and now flour, as well. Bank of America is announcing millions in debts from bad loans and people are stealing gas from vehicles here locally. The dollar has sunk - the Euro is the next big thing right NOW.

I'm thinking I'd better start buying rice, flour and other stuff in bulk and store it in my closet and invest in a Desert Eagle, an automatic, and survival gear and hunker down in the back of Anna Nicole's closet with Jeff, Anna, and Trixiebelle. Oh! And one of those hand crank radios.

Big sigh . . .

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 13 replies

hey crazy cat lady....

aunt bea needs to get back to exercisin — Sun, 20 Apr 2008 01:07:48 GMT

i just had a piece of pie. guess what kind? guess who gave it to me? can ya guess?? guess who ate the rest of it?

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 25 replies

Maybe it's unatural for me to do this all the time . . .

Phaedra — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 23:17:30 GMT

Aunt Bea,

My mouth and face hurt from smiling so much. I smile at Jade and she smiles back - then I have to smile again. This goes on all day. I'm tired of smiling. It's becoming painful.

Today I ran into the kitchen and closed the door and put on a big frown and scowled for about 10 mins. when she first went to sleep. I felt better. Then I went back into the other room and put my big smile on.

I didn't know being a granma could hurt so much - face-wise . . .

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 12 replies

Aunt Bea

Sayari — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 13:53:50 GMT

I spend too much money!

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 13 replies

can you wiggle your ears?

aunt bea needs to get back to exercisin — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 16:39:47 GMT

put your elbow in one? touch your nose with your tounge? any other bizzare feats? tell them to vaughn...his ears are attatched, to what, we don't know. maybe we don't want to know? sey hey vaughn, and hope he can hear you.

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 22 replies

Aunt Bea and the fine people of Mayberry.....

CoCo — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 22:53:31 GMT

My crazy as a loon Chihuahua has a habit of stealing my undies in the middle of the night. My good ones, from Victoria Secret.....I hide them and she climbs up and down in hamper and back out.....Any idea's? All I can think of is hanging a bag somewhere and tie it shut, I swear she can climb walls.......In the meantime, I am quickly running out of undies....i cant even figure out how she gets in and out of the hamper....I need a nanny cam.

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 27 replies

tears

Snert — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 05:12:21 GMT

Why am I crying?

Am I crying for all the hungy children?
Am I crying for all the hate in the name of 'god''
Am I crying because I can't see an end to this stupdity?.
Am I crying because tears fall down my face?
Am I crying because I love you?
Am I crying because....I'm me?

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 16 replies

Nifty Box!!!!

Snert — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 15:44:30 GMT

Ooh! Auntie Bea!! I so excited.
I bought this nifty little box. The only markings are "Patented 1889 February 19"
It unfolds in 4 places that hard to describe but I think it was a Singer Sewing Machine add-on container.
Lined with purple velvet
I just took some pictures of it and I'll put them in my photos.
Check it out! It's really neat.

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 15 replies

For the love...

PQL — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 20:17:55 GMT

of microfiber!! Why is my blanket causing sparks everywhere? When I'm curled up on the sofa. When I'm curled up in bed. Anyone else have this problem?? It's getting dangerous!

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 6 replies

your favorite childhood sitcom..

aunt bea needs to get back to exercisin — Sat, 05 Apr 2008 04:08:48 GMT

now on nick at night or tv land, besides andy griffith???? tell herman munster! sey hey herm.

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 56 replies

Leslie's 80th birthday

Sayari — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 13:58:36 GMT

todays my fiance's dads 80th birthday, party tonight in marmet jamboree hall, cake & icecream, Jeanee the engish bulldog is going with me, say hi to Jeanee!

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 1 reply

your favorite beatles toon?

aunt bea needs to get back to exercisin — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 17:58:38 GMT

i'm guessing kamera's is 'all together now' off of yellow submarine. sey hey, kamera.

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 21 replies

OK, who did it aunt bea?

goatlisa — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 19:43:41 GMT

I had over 100 profile clicks

and I know its not my sexy avatar

hmmm????

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 19 replies

which do you prefer....

aunt bea needs to get back to exercisin — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 15:02:12 GMT

vampire smut or pirate porn???? tell isabele! sey "wha...?!?!" isabele.

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 18 replies

Night of the Livin' Cuban Dead . . .

Jeff - Bull Whip Apprentice — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 23:23:36 GMT

Aunt Bea! Aunt Bea!

Where is Charo and/or Charro? Have you seen her or heard from her lately? I'm doin' a member check - cause of all the creepy zombies lurkin' about - and she has not been around for a long while! I hope the zombies didn't get her! Maybe a "Cugat" zombie grabbed her by the neck! Or a "leetle cheewawa zombie" coulda nipped her on the heel and turned her into a zombette! It could happen . . .

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 12 replies

Aunt Bea

Sayari — Sun, 13 Apr 2008 13:38:20 GMT

Barney needs to patrol the playgrounds, I was on my way downtown yesterday & stopped at the playground, some creepy old dude was lurking there, he asked if I had a boyfriend & if he could push me on the swing, creepy man, I left that playground & contiued downtown, I had a nice lunch dicussing my plans to make & sell straw hats with flowers & ribbons at all the town festivities.

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 16 replies

Pssst...

Qamar_al-Shefaa — Sun, 13 Apr 2008 13:24:59 GMT

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ch2Jj5cE184

Wanna see what I did the last two nights?

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 15 replies

Auntie Bea I am gonna have breakfast for dinner.....

Jesus — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 01:00:38 GMT

I think I will fry up some bacon then use the drippings for fried potatos with onions and top it all off with a couple eggs over medium. I like to dip my bacon and potatos into ketchup and wash it all down with some perfectly cold milk.

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 17 replies

what is your favorite period of british rock?

aunt bea needs to get back to exercisin — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 17:50:01 GMT

tell morgan m. (mine is stonehenge) sey huzzah, morgan.

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 31 replies

Are you afraid of calves?

Hummingbird in Full — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 19:52:10 GMT

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 15 replies

poison ivy

Sayari — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 11:01:40 GMT

Aunt Bea, Jesus, I have poison ivy already , on my legs & on my left wrist, from picking flowers off the hillside. itchys, can't scratch!

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 14 replies

Anyone need a cheaper nanny? Click here!!!!

jAcKsTeRmAsTeR — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 01:58:11 GMT

http://youtube.com/watch?v=vxj1RDbp_iE

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 11 replies

If this bothers you

cptpegleg — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 23:24:03 GMT

makes you a bit jumpy, anxious, then, you may want to see your doctor.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=FzoXQKumgCw

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 11 replies

are you afraid of caves?

aunt bea needs to get back to exercisin — Sat, 05 Apr 2008 22:31:31 GMT

bats? ever been spelunking? tell lt. luna bird about it! sey 'look out below' luna.

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 36 replies

Have you ever been wanted by the police?

cptpegleg — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 22:40:34 GMT

Do you want to know what people who ar wanted by the police do to occupy their time, just in case you ever are?

http://youtube.com/watch?v=3gg5LOd_Zus&feature=related

"Ohhh, you've gotta watch this!!"

posted in Ask Aunt Bea - 9 replies