I try to do the right thing, live with integrity, be cautious and clear and honest, clean up my mistakes as soon as I recognize them, practice compassion, be kind and loving because at the end of the day, I have to be a person I can live with.
My boyfriend acknowledges these things about me every day, tells me how much he respects and loves me
but he's leaving me to be with someone else. and although part of me knows that it's not about me, it's not a failing on my part and i can't fix or change this, it absolutely breaks my heart.
i want him to want to be with me.
i feel like they're taking away love. she is all about undconditional love and all this hippie bullshit about how love is abundant,
but my partnership is being yanked away from me and I hate it. i absolutely hate it.
people can argue it's his free will and choice, and no I don't want to control him. i've never wanted that. control breeds resentment.
it makes me sick to think of it.
i tried so hard to build a healthy intimacy, opened my heart after years of being closed up like a vault, and it's being ripped from me.
i hate her. i hate that she has enough power to take him away from me.
and I hate that all this awful shit is inside me.
every day I wake up and remember this is happening and I'm sorry that I'm alive. i have to force myself to go through the motions of my life. i don't deserve this. i did nothing to deserve this.
My boyfriend acknowledges these things about me every day, tells me how much he respects and loves me
but he's leaving me to be with someone else. and although part of me knows that it's not about me, it's not a failing on my part and i can't fix or change this, it absolutely breaks my heart.
i want him to want to be with me.
i feel like they're taking away love. she is all about undconditional love and all this hippie bullshit about how love is abundant,
but my partnership is being yanked away from me and I hate it. i absolutely hate it.
people can argue it's his free will and choice, and no I don't want to control him. i've never wanted that. control breeds resentment.
it makes me sick to think of it.
i tried so hard to build a healthy intimacy, opened my heart after years of being closed up like a vault, and it's being ripped from me.
i hate her. i hate that she has enough power to take him away from me.
and I hate that all this awful shit is inside me.
every day I wake up and remember this is happening and I'm sorry that I'm alive. i have to force myself to go through the motions of my life. i don't deserve this. i did nothing to deserve this.
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Re: i feel like i'm being punished
Wed, July 23, 2008 - 8:50 PMHi Radiant,
The one good thing here is that you say at the end you do not deserve this. You did nothing to deserve it.
You're right. 100% right. It's a great thing that you know this because I've seen it over and over that someone gets hurts and he or she feels so awful, the person blames herself and decides she must be an awful person to "deserve" getting hurt so bad, or is so unworthy of love, she was a fool to expect better. I see it as a very encouraging sign that you're not doing this. You are recognizing you don't deserve and this is not something you caused.
I know exactly the feeling you describe, the one about waking in the morning and getting socked instantly with the memory that this is happening, that you have a whole day to get through feeling like your heart is being ripped out of you and your soul is gushing blood and it feels like the pain will never stop. The thought of the day ahead is almost unbearable, yet you will go through it because there's no choice, and you tell yourself death could not be worse than this. Boy does that suck!
No, you don't deserve it, Radiant. You did nothing to deserve it. You just got kicked in the gut by life, like most of us do now and again. You are like me: you gave too much of your heart and soul away to someone unworthy of such a magnanimous gift. Now you're paying a high price for that error in judgment. I know it feels like it will never end, but it will. I won't say it will be over soon, or it will be easy. But it does come to an end, eventually. What I learned about my experience is that it's like a death, losing someone you love deeply to death. You have to grieve for a while. The grieving is excruciating. There are no shortcuts. But all grieving comes to an end. It can't just go on and on without end, like the Iraq war.
At least you don't have to be alone in your pain. There are people here for you, people who have been where you are, or are there now, and who can offer their support getting through this miserable time for you. You can PM me any time if you want to talk one-on-one.
Stay strong. You will get there. ((((((Radiant)))))) -
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Re: i feel like i'm being punished
Mon, August 4, 2008 - 5:41 PMi wish i knew how long it is going to suck.
and I don't want to just 'get by.' I was in love with my life. now there's a big hole in it.
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