I did not realize how strongly my feelings are tied to my weight. The last few weeks (maybe longer) since I have posted on my profile about how I have gained some pounds and don't fit as well in my clothes, I have been totally hiding--in pretty much all areas of my life.

The last time I signed on tribe was ages ago. I haven't contacted any of my friends or gone to basically anything. All of a sudden, I just didn't want to be seen.

Don't get me wrong, I always secretly feel like I am on the outside looking in, anyway, but when I felt like I was not meeting my own standards, suddenly I did not allow myself to try anymore.

So what happened? Why am I writing today? Honestly, I am not entirely sure. I think I miss it all. I miss the contact and I miss the me who was brave enough to get out there despite all my inequities.

I don't expect perfection from anyone else (terrible to say, I suppose), except perhaps my husband and son (really awful, too). So I am a bit of a hypocrite, or a lot of one.

When I go to a hafla or a class, I see all of the beautiful women of every sort and size. And what makes them so beautiful to me is their confidence--the fact that they are comfortable sharing themselves on the dance floor. I love to see them dance because I see it as an expression of who they are. As they express themselves, I truly see how beautiful they are. For me, almost unapproachable, sometimes.

And yet, I have not allowed myself that right. I have been hiding, actually, for a very long time. It is time for a change. Perhaps my writing this today is the beginning. I had been hoping my last entry on my profile would be the beginning. And maybe it was, even though it seemed like the end for so long.

Sometimes I look at my belly and see a sensuous thing. Other times, it is quite the opposite. It can look exactly the same, but my frame of mind fools my eye. So, how to frame it beautifully each day? After all, my body is not who I am.

My body has never been the way I wanted it to be. Now I am at my heaviest and fattest, and I am not really that unusual in that way. But even when I was fit, I was not satisfied. Is it the American Way? Human Nature? Just ME?

When I first came to bellydance, I began to look at myself in a new way. My confidence rose. I saw myself in a better light. Of course, I still compared myself to all of the beautiful, untouchable women in the class with me. Still considering myself somehow outside of them. But better in myself. Who I am came more fully to the surface.

And lately I have been spending less and less time in my bellydance world that I love so much. It has been eating at me (but leaving the flesh). This is not where I want to be.

This has meandered a bit. Or maybe a lot. But I wanted to get down my thoughts. And I would love to hear your comments.

It is definitely time for me to rub the belly and feel the love. Wish me luck. Wish me love.

LoveAndPeace
T