Hmmm

Not really shy once I get me out into the world!
My mind likes to think that it prefers its own company. When I overthrow that idea, and get out and meet people, I really enjoy them, and I think they find me interesting.

I'm both... I can't always tell which is operating on me.... haha it does stop me from doing all things I'd like to!

Hi Wiccanpappa,

I can relate to some of what you’ve described in your post. I have met people pretty easily when I’m out in the small, tight-knit art

community where I live. Beneath the surface it’s a little more complicated though and there are some upsetting dynamics. I want so much

to feel like I’m part of something, known, like I have a place outside my home where I spend almost all of my time. For the most part truly, I

feel I am on the periphery. I don’t have the luxury of accepting my introversion as a blessing. I never reached that level of comfort with it. I

have tried very hard to accept it and over time it improves gradually but it’s not perfect. Never mastered the light social chatting skill that

helps others feel at ease. Nerves build up in anticipation of an event. Then when I arrive I magically can talk to people. I become over

confident, over friendly (no doubt to compensate) -the first time. After I feel very self-conscious – I feel overextended. I wake up exhausted

the following day, a serious case of exhaustion. The next time I meet people frequently my first instinct is avoid them. I get an irrational fear

of engaging with them. I can’t maintain my super social image so I end up appearing contradictory –not nice snobby, rude, etc. which

bothered me. I didn’t want that. Going out became a nightmare because I would invariably run into people I felt I’d snubbed and start

berating myself and not be able to enjoy myself. So, the result is that now, I avoid seeming friendly at first and try to find a comfortable place

in myself. It's not easy. I’m struggling with irrational fears. I don’t want the contradictory behaviour to happen anymore. I hope

eventually to be more relaxed and enjoy some sense of belonging to community. Boundary problems I can relate to. I have

them too. Perhaps you need to try and hold your instinct to socialize back a bit and put that energy into your friendships. It seems like

intimacy is a bit intimidating to you.