okay, well, what i am going through;

I studied world religions, worked myself up to being a pretty top of the line mage,
lost my primary "miracle" priveledges after a very obviously unethical bdsm
scene that was sprung in surpise on me whilst i was in theta level trance state and
pan invoked, and have been more or less since then trying to get my ethics straight
so that i can get orison internet access with Keter back on line.

Apparently, I have a deep seated Shadow urge to indulge in some bdsm type play,
and where this comes into conflict with the ethical contract i set up between me and keter,
it disrupts or short circuits my orison internet access.

As a mage and one who understands the true nature of the serpent and the leviathan
and kundalini and the mammalian/reptilian mind, I know that repression won't work and will backfire. In order to reclaim my assorted minor superpowers, I am thus forced to work out mentally the reasoning and conditions which ethically validate bdsm play, which
simultaneously in some senses means doing the front end work to figure out what my kinks and limitations are....

I have two internal competing voices. One is angelic on a level that most people would find incomprehensible...Its existence is predicated on the premise that i am here in this body
to solve humanities problems. The other voice is my own mammalian instinct driven mammal brain, which really just wants to find a good top to open me into bottom space...preferably permenantly...lol.

In particular the pony fantasies end up being very compatible in some ways with Satyrian
consciousness, allthough in other ways the two are mutually exclusive, but thats the subliminal connection.

I figured out how to end the internal dialogue of the frontal coretex, and allow the mammalian mind to surface and to control my body. No small feat.

That translates symbolically into either a Satyr, or a Ponyboy, in terms that civilization is capable of relating to. A whole lot more people apparently understand ponyboy than Satyr.

This is all complicated in that in order to achieve Satyrian consciousness one links the
alpha mind to the collective unconscious; This isn't "MY" fantasy its like a virus i picked up
out of the collective psyche, as it reacted to my strong stimulus.

Thats only the first half, the other half is that I once had a relationship with a hard core pain slut, and i thought when i left that relationship that i had left such kinks behind. Lately
i find myself dreaming about her, wishing for similar playmates....esp a good pain slut
who i would lovingly give my attention to....

So I'm apparently a "switch."

I hope that this clarifies where i am coming from...i fear that it will only complicate things for you...lol.