I can only imagine how hard the death was to deal with and then to have this old stuff and all of the new stuff it brings come at you right as you are trying to deal with the death and all that brings you...

I hope you are remembering to take care of you and your daughter.

Never feel guilty because you are alive. Taking his life was your husband's choice, albeit a very serious one, to try to solve issues hard to deal with. PTSD is no laughing matter. Depression is something that's hard to understand and harder to watch your mate go through and not being able to find a way to "cure" them. Such a terrible inner personal struggle goes on. It's very unfortunate that he chose that as an end but it's not a signal that your life should also end. Don't allow guilt into the mix for you. Show your daughter that she has one very strong parent who is willing and able to forge on through this. Help her get over her grief and assure her it is normal to miss her dad.

Not wanting to live alone, although you aren't since you have your daughter, is not a sign of weakness. As in my case, I had never been truly alone until my ex husband left me 3 years ago. I lived with family until I married extremely young and from that point on between friends, family, children I had never been alone. It scared the crap out of me. I did it, though. I lived alone in a state where I had few friends and no family. It's not weakness. It's fear of the unknown. It can be overcome.

Now that you and the ex have matured/changed from when you were once together, perhaps it's a relationship that will last. You need to examine your needs in this relationship and determine if you really want to have a life with him or if you are "rebounding" kinda. If you find that you can't forget what he did in the past then perhaps trying a new relationship with him is not the right thing to do. If that doubt is always there, the door for trust will never completely open and old issues will block the way for a new life together. You definitely need to open a dialogue with him and establish where you both are at this time and what you are expecting AND why you can't forget. If you can work this out then there's no reason you can't begin a new life with an old love.

Good Luck (sorry for the long post, hope it helps)

Oh Debra, I can't even come close to understanding the kind of pain you must be going through.

Please remember, as Jaded said, that he made his decision all on his own. That's is one lesson I've learned from my own recent experiences. Feeling guilt or shame over the decision someone else makes simply isn't being fair to yourself or to the people that love you.

As to your relationship with your ex: Who says you are too weak to live alone? And why *should* you live alone? Are you loved? Is your daughter well cared for? Are you happy with him? Where does that particular guilt come from?