Ask Jesus's topics - tribe.net

888

Vinixia — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 10:13:55 GMT

888 is the Greek numeration of IHCoYC. Rejoice in Second Coming. The time is now soon.

posted in Ask Jesus - 2 replies

ok maybe there is a god

joe — Fri, 26 May 2006 15:19:57 GMT

http://www.webmd.com/content/article/122/114805.htm

posted in Ask Jesus - 9 replies

What would Jesus Buy?

btd — Sun, 13 Jan 2008 06:08:13 GMT

A good movie: http://www.wwjbmovie.com

posted in Ask Jesus - 3 replies

hi jesus

bunniluvin — Fri, 11 May 2007 03:54:44 GMT

i accepted u in2 my heart as a saviour many years ago. i have absolutely nooo regrets about it, but what do i do now????

posted in Ask Jesus - 6 replies

Jesus: For Sale, Buy your favor with The Lord now!

joe — Fri, 23 Dec 2005 16:24:53 GMT

http://www.christianthrowbackjersey.com/

I'm speechless

posted in Ask Jesus - 8 replies

How did I never find this tribe?

Anahata — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 18:00:58 GMT

Two years ago, Jesus and I were hanging out and decided to make a tribe where people could ask him things... and low and behold... the Antichrist may very well have done the same thing here.. well... http://tribes.tribe.net/dancewithjesus

I am Jesus roommate and I haven't seen him this excited since he was introduced to the Wii!

posted in Ask Jesus - 0 replies

dear jesus

Asp1 — Fri, 31 Aug 2007 23:03:30 GMT

did kali ma rip your balls off in the aetheric realm? did you like it? or are you not into that sort of thing?

mommy said you forgot your safe word and that's why you died on the cross

dear jesus, why .....

posted in Ask Jesus - 4 replies

pest control

badgerclaws — Wed, 23 May 2007 00:09:26 GMT

Listen...this is the deal
I saw a T-Shirt that said that you would kill a kitten everytime someone masterbates.
If this is true I need to know, cause i really hate cats

posted in Ask Jesus - 5 replies

Hey..and remember ..if ya need a second opinion !

god — Tue, 12 Dec 2006 23:50:06 GMT

http://tribes.tribe.net/askgod?_click_path=Application%5Btribe%5D.Tribe%5Bb012b9a3-3b94-4460-b014-78ff88c2be98%5D

posted in Ask Jesus - 4 replies

Give me that "Ol Time Religion"

joe — Fri, 03 Nov 2006 22:12:36 GMT

http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/11/03/haggard.allegations/index.html

...I bought it, but didn't use it
...I just went there for a massage

lol

great stuff
much better than "I didn't inhale" and I did not have sexual relations...

heehee

Burn hypoctite Burn

lol

so fucked on so many levels

yet I still don't feel the need to illuminate any of them

a great story

discuss among yourselves :

posted in Ask Jesus - 4 replies

PENIS

Ailise — Thu, 02 Jun 2005 22:25:58 GMT

Why do men lie about their penis sizes?

posted in Ask Jesus - 156 replies

See the best of Mexico

Mon, 18 Sep 2006 09:42:26 GMT

Know more about Mexico and feel the beauty of it to this site. Go to http://www.mexico-travel-tour.blogspot.com now.

posted in Ask Jesus - 3 replies

Funny names

Ailise — Sun, 13 Aug 2006 23:24:47 GMT

I have just adopted two white mice that were abandoned at a concert... Any ideas for cool and/or funny names? It's a boy and a girl, and I'n totally lost on my humor today.

posted in Ask Jesus - 7 replies

Thank you, Jesus will be here all week, try the special and tip your waiters

joe — Tue, 06 Dec 2005 21:30:13 GMT

Jesus and Bono
Q: What's the difference between Jesus and Bono from U2?

A: Jesus doesn't think he's Bono.

posted in Ask Jesus - 19 replies

Pranks

Ailise — Tue, 18 Jul 2006 03:10:39 GMT

I have a new one here... Your best ideas for pranks.

Some of my favorites:

Replace Baby Jesus with a Black Cabbage Patch Kid in a nativity scene.

Replace the Bibles with Satanic ones before service.

Write something on yourself before a Holy Water baptism with cinnamon oil. Scream as the Holy Water touches you, and laugh as the messages appear.

During the wedding ceremony, wrap a chain around the groom's neck with a cow bell on it. Lock it with a combination lock. Then tell him he has to call you on his honeymoon to get the combination to unlock it

While in service at church, release three mice while nobody is looking. Write the numbers 1, 2, and 4 on the backs of these mice. Church officials will be scrambling all day to find that number 3 mouse that doesn't exist.

Impress your friend and tell him how you can balance 2 cups of liquid on your hands (palms down). Then bet him that he cannot do it. When he tries to do it, offer to help him...once he gets it and balances the cups, walk out of the room and leave him to figure out how to remove cups from back of hands.

Glue cafeteria glasses to the bottom of a table at school.

posted in Ask Jesus - 30 replies

Hey..J.C. !

ta2jOyNt — Fri, 16 Jun 2006 06:44:19 GMT

Should the U.S. pull it's military outta Iraq and let em sort their own shit out ?

posted in Ask Jesus - 16 replies

The First Page of the Bible

Pinky — Fri, 30 Jun 2006 23:02:02 GMT

They recently discovered a smaller scroll hidden in the cylinder of the first scroll of the ancient Biblical scriptures, believed to be the actual “first page” of the Bible. When deciphered, it read:

“Copyright (c) 300 B.C. God. All Rights Reserved First Scrawling: First-Sunrise-After-Stonehenge-Keystone- Is-Shadowed, 300 B.C.

All beings, places and events depicted in this work are fictional, and any resemblance to actual beings, places and events past, present or future is purely coincidental.

WARNING: Some of the actions performed in this work are dangerous and should only be attempted by professionals familiar with the action in question.

NOTE: Those tiny points of light in the sky when it gets dark are called ‘stars’. Some of them do blow up on occasion. In no way should this be construed as a sign that there is, beneath such an explosion, any form of saviour. Should such a misconstrual happen, the author will not be held responsible for the avalanche of arrogance, zeal, bigotry, humanocentricity and other vile acts which will surely follow the residents of the planet into time eternal until someone sees fit to erase the denizens of the world and let the author start over.

ISBN 0-000000-0000-1

Suggested retail: 1 sheep.”

posted in Ask Jesus - 5 replies

Toasting Political Christians

PuckerButt — Sat, 10 Jun 2006 22:54:30 GMT

Here's to The Moral Majority,
Apostles of Hatred and Fear:
As I watched Jerry Fallwell on TV last night,
I new that the Anti-Christ was here.

The Golden Rule he has turned into Lead:
Now it only reads "Do Unto Others".
He wants to insure we have Crosses to bear
And supports laws to repress his Brothers.

His Dogma oozed out like Puss from Christ's Wounds
Reeking of Bigotry and Malice.
I'm certain his Holy Rituals produce
Vomit From Wine in his Chalice.

posted in Ask Jesus - 12 replies

Children

btd — Sat, 27 May 2006 02:39:24 GMT

So Jesus, did you have any kids?

posted in Ask Jesus - 10 replies

that ain't right

joe — Fri, 09 Jun 2006 15:32:13 GMT

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qAmljaj5stA&feature=MostReferred&page=1&t=t&f=b

posted in Ask Jesus - 2 replies

Sulfuric acid

Ailise — Tue, 07 Mar 2006 01:31:11 GMT

Jimmy drank but drinks no more
'Cause what he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4!

posted in Ask Jesus - 15 replies

Hey Jesus...

Ailise — Tue, 09 May 2006 17:01:56 GMT

Hey Jesus, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, Hey Jesus!

posted in Ask Jesus - 9 replies

yo J.C.

thomas666 — Thu, 04 May 2006 06:03:27 GMT

Satan has a 66.6 approval rating

you're losing ground

posted in Ask Jesus - 6 replies

Hey Zeus...what's yer take on the book and the up coming movie....

ta2jOyNt — Thu, 04 May 2006 07:56:16 GMT

Da Vinci Code ?
You and Mary M....did you guy's...ya know...( nudge )( wink ) ?

posted in Ask Jesus - 3 replies

Fortune Cookies

Ailise — Sat, 08 Apr 2006 22:48:59 GMT

I was thinking about making some fortune cookies... I love to bake, you know... Anyone got any hilarious and/or raunchy fortunes? I want some good stuff, none of that corny shit in the cookies you get at the store.

posted in Ask Jesus - 15 replies

Yo...J.C.

ta2jOyNt — Fri, 21 Apr 2006 16:38:23 GMT

Have you read ....
The Da Vinci Code yet ?
I curious aboot yer take on it ?

posted in Ask Jesus - 5 replies

Newman's Own Low Fat Sesame Ginger

Ailise — Wed, 12 Apr 2006 01:38:00 GMT

Found on the back of a REAL bottle of salad dressing (read VERY carefully or you might miss the good part):

The Great Salad Dressing Balloon Race

An armada of balloons loaded with new Low Fat Sesame Ginger. The starters gun -- Bazoombah! They all rise majestically into the air. Newman's Own balloon, with fewer calories, more taste, and secretly propelled by charity, flies faster than Kraft and further than Wishbone. First across. First on the ground. El Piloto quaffs mucho quaffs of Newman's Own Low Fat Sesame Ginger in victory. A medium light Italian starlet, daughter of Butch Cassidini, named Bitch Cassidini, leaps into the balloon basket, kisses Piloto, her lips smeared with Newman's Own Low Fat, she murmers, "You taste of Sicily, of Vesuvius, of Naples, baby," and patting his fanny she whispers, "and no fat."

No joke. That's EXACTLY how it was. I have two theories: either someone was drunk/high when writing that or messed with the labelmaker, OR Paul Newman put that on there just to see if someone would notice. I will have to e-mail him.

posted in Ask Jesus - 14 replies

Planning Begins

Maksa Eleer — Sat, 01 Apr 2006 01:36:08 GMT

Robin Williams' plan...
(Hard to argue with this logic!)

"I see a lot of people yelling for peace
But I have not heard of a plan for
Peace. So, here's one plan."

1) "The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs,
Past & present.
You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein,
And the rest of those "good ole boys", we will never "interfere" again.

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea, the Middle East, and the Philippines.
They don't want us there.
We would station troops at our borders.
No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave
We'll give them a free trip home.
After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately,
Regardless of whom or where they are.
They're illegal!!! France will welcome them.

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in.
If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here.
Asylum would never be available to anyone.
We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.

5) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes! , they get a "D" and it's back home baby.

6) The US will make a strong effort
To become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while .

7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil.
If they don't like it, we'll go someplace else.
They can go somewhere else to sell their production.
(About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)

8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of us know that what we give them is stolen or given to the army.
The people who need it most get very little, if anything.

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer.

11) The Language we speak is ENGLISH...learn it...or LEAVE...

Now, isn't that a winner of a plan?

The Statue of Liberty is no longer
Saying "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses.
She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?' "

If you agree with the above forward
It to friends...If not, and I would be amazed, DELETE it!!

posted in Ask Jesus - 3 replies

Chuck Norris

Ailise — Wed, 29 Mar 2006 00:27:03 GMT

Some of my friends have been getting obsessed with this site "http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com" and I decided to check it out. Here's some of my favorite quips from the site; let's see what we can come up with:

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer

And my absolute favorite: Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

As of the moment, I can't really come up with any myself, but I think my friends and I would be interested in seeing what you guys can come up with.

posted in Ask Jesus - 5 replies

Yo, Jesus...

Pinky — Mon, 06 Mar 2006 17:12:57 GMT

Are you actually going to let this guy waltz his happy ass into YOUR domain?

http://www.truechristian.com/

posted in Ask Jesus - 14 replies

Jesus Vs. Darwin

joe — Fri, 31 Mar 2006 02:28:13 GMT

score one for Jesus

If Darwin was right...this guy's line should have been bear food eons ago

http://www.break.com/index/escalator28.html

posted in Ask Jesus - 0 replies

Why the heck didn't I know about this Tribe sooner?

jenni — Fri, 17 Mar 2006 18:34:40 GMT

I blame Joe. He should have known that I belonged in here.

posted in Ask Jesus - 12 replies

WITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ailise — Mon, 20 Mar 2006 12:19:09 GMT

Happy Vernal Equinox!!!

And I was SO Irish on St,Patty's that I decided NOT to be Irish... I wore a sari to school and decided that I was Hindu for the day.

posted in Ask Jesus - 3 replies

St Patrick Vs. Jesus

joe — Thu, 16 Mar 2006 21:26:44 GMT

http://www.newsday.com/news/local/wire/newjersey/ny-bc-nj--st.patricksbeef0316mar16,0,5738566.story?coll=ny-region-apnewjersey

posted in Ask Jesus - 15 replies

Science vs Miracles

johnnygee — Mon, 20 Feb 2006 03:26:01 GMT

Jay-C, i've noticed christians using science to try to prove their shit, lately (intelligent design...pffft, whatever..)
you down with science , really?

or is really just all magic and miracles ?

peace be with you
Amen

posted in Ask Jesus - 18 replies

Lent !

johnnygee — Thu, 02 Mar 2006 03:22:55 GMT

So is Lent like Catholic spring break ?
Should i stay away from the Vatican ? I don't like the crowds...especially a bunch Arch Bishops fucked up on holy wine.

posted in Ask Jesus - 9 replies

I'll stick that thing up your ass and pull the fucking trigger till it goes click, man!

Ailise — Thu, 16 Feb 2006 23:03:25 GMT

Now that I got your attention... You may have seen it, may not have. Here it is.

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/flash/swearingjesus.html

posted in Ask Jesus - 1 reply

Why

Maksa Eleer — Fri, 10 Feb 2006 02:57:39 GMT

Why the hell don't people have any sense of humor anymore?

posted in Ask Jesus - 15 replies

Umm...Hey Zeus, have you ..or did you...ummm

ta2jOyNt — Wed, 08 Feb 2006 05:41:15 GMT

Have you ever smoked weed Dawg !

posted in Ask Jesus - 7 replies

what the hell????

JayC — Thu, 12 Jan 2006 00:51:46 GMT

Ive been away on buisness I come back and someones tryin to take over as monitor?????

My email box is so way full right now Ill be able to get back to you all so lets get this party restarted

question?????

posted in Ask Jesus - 16 replies

Hey Zeus !?

ta2jOyNt — Wed, 01 Feb 2006 04:31:58 GMT

Can the Toronto Maple Leafs make the playoffs this year ?

posted in Ask Jesus - 6 replies

Q: Liquor and band-aids

johnnygee — Sat, 04 Feb 2006 20:21:54 GMT

Yo J, do you use band-aids?
and do you actually buy wine? ...or do you do the water/wine thingy?

just wondering if you're still following those old trinity rules..being part man and such.

love
jmg

posted in Ask Jesus - 9 replies

Correct Me If I'm Wrong

rvr_rat66 — Thu, 22 Dec 2005 12:59:56 GMT

This tribe isnt really about Jesus, is it? It is about your contempt for the person who loved you more than any other.

posted in Ask Jesus - 10 replies

Turn thier crap against them

Maksa Eleer — Fri, 03 Feb 2006 03:28:04 GMT

Recently I have become increasingly mad at all the religious crap posted on my space so I have decided to turn thier own posts against them.

Original Post

The U in JesUs

Before U were thought of or time had begun,
God stuck U in the name of His Son.

And each time U pray, you'll see it's true
You can't spell out JesUs and not include U .

You're a pretty big part of His wonderful name,
For U, He was born; that's why He came.

And His great love for U is the reason He died.
It even takes U to spell crUcified.

Isn't it thrilling and splendidly grand
He rose from the dead, with U in His plan?

The stones split away, the gold trUmpet blew,
and this word resUrrection is spelled with a U.

When JesUs left earth at His upward ascension,
He felt there was one thing He just had to mention.

"Go into the world and tell them it's true
That I love them all - Just like I love U."

So many great people are spelled with a U,
Don't they have a right to know JesUs too?

It all depends now on what U will do,
He'd like them to know,
But it all starts with U .

Will yoU pass it on?

My Revised Post

The U in fUck

Before U were thought of or time had begun,
People stuck U in thier favorite cUss Word .

And each time U smoke up, you'll see it's true
You can't spell out fUck and not include U .

You're a small big part of a screwed up world,
For U, He died painfully; that's why He died.

And His great hate for U is the reason He died.
It even takes U to spell crUcified.

Isn't it bullshit and shitty that:
He rose from the dead, with U in His vengeance list?

The stones split away, the ass trUmpet blew,
and this word resUrrection is spelled with a U.

When he left earth at His upward ascension,
He felt there was one thing He just had to mention.

"Go into the world and tell them it's true
That I hate them all - Just like I hate U."

So many fUcking people are spelled with a U,
Don't they have a right to fUck too?

It all depends now on what U will do,
He'd like them to know,
But it all starts with U .

Will yoU pass the pipe?

Now how many different revisions can be made on this one post?

posted in Ask Jesus - 6 replies

answer to penis question

JayC — Wed, 18 Jan 2006 01:20:15 GMT

why do men lie about the size of their penis's

why do you keep believing them?

because you both hope its true.

posted in Ask Jesus - 17 replies

Since we're on the topic 2...

Ailise — Sun, 29 Jan 2006 04:21:43 GMT

Masturbation euphemisms for men:

A date with Mrs. Palmer and her 5 slut daughters
Auditioning the hand puppet
Badgering the witness
Beating the fuck out of your best friend
Beating the shit out of your incapacitated midget
Beating the snot outta Rotney
Beating the snotty end of my fuck stick
Blueball baseball
Calling down for more Mayo
Calling in the National Guard to assist you in a strategic crisis
Caping the crusader
Cheating on your other hand
Checking the plumbing
Choking the bald guy 'til he pukes
Choking the sheriff and waiting for the posse to come
Cleaning the walls after an accident involving the Milk Man and the Cyclops
Committing mass spermicide
Decongesting the weasel
Discharging the heat-seeking moisture missile
Dripping white-hot coconuts from the veiny palm tree of lust
Dropping the kids off at the pool
Escorting the one-eyed postal worker out of his denim cell
Evicting the testicular squatters
Firing the presidential staff
Fishing for zipper trout
Five-finger discount
Flogging your dumber brother
Foreplay with Fistina
Four-knuckle shuffle (for those who lost a finger in 'Nam)
Freeing the hostages
Freeing Willy
Getting your palm red
Givin' the one-eyed field mouse with the purple turtle-neck sweater a hot-butter nuggie
Giving the pink Mustang a spit shine
Giving the seamen shore leave
Giving yourself a helping hand
Giving yourself a low five
Having a play date with your little friend
Having a puppet show in your pants
Having a staff meeting
Hitchhiking under the Big Top
Launching the morning missile
Letting out the bulimic one-eyed monster
Making special sauce with frank and beans
Making the bald guy cry
Making the Cyclops do chin-ups 'til he throws up
Making the llama spit
Manhandling your man-handle
Milking the bull
Million sperm march
My sex life! (Okay, that one's more sad than funny)
One-handed workout
Opening up a bottle of Squirt
Performing diagnostics on your ManTool
Playing pocket polo with Agent Johnson
Playing the stand-up organ
Playing with Yoosef
Polishing the family jewels
Polishing the hot rod
Polishing the purple people pleaser
Practicing for the Big Game
Pulling the single serving soup dispenser
Rapid one arm pull-ups
Releasing the Olympic Doves
Riding the Great White Knuckler
Romancing the bone
Roughing the passer
Roughing up the suspect
Rubbing the Buddha for good luck
Running in single-user mode
Running off a batch by hand
Sanding the obelisk
Sending yourself a hand-job-o-gram
Shaking hands with your wife's best friend
Shaking the coconut milk of love from the leafless palm trunk
Shaking the hand of the self-employed
Shooting tadpoles at the moon
Shooting the pump action porridge gun
Slapping the big-nosed Rasta man
Spackling the ceiling
Spending some quality time with yourself
Spilling my children on my belly
Spit-polishing the purple helmet
Squeezing the cream from the flesh Twinkie
Stroking the one-eyed burping gecko
Swinging the purple-veined kidney stabber
Taking little Elvis to Graceland
Taking the Jocelyn Elders Midterm
Taking your turn at the self-serve pump
Target practice with the yogurt gun
Teasing the purple-headed custard chucker
Tenderizing the tube steak
Test-firing the meat missile
Testing the hand cream dispenser
Trolling for the one-eyed walleye
Tube sock tango
Warming up the altar boy's dinner
White-water wristing
Wrapping my hand around my cock and blowing a load all over my mother
Zygote spraying

posted in Ask Jesus - 1 reply

Since we're on the topic...

Ailise — Sun, 29 Jan 2006 04:20:41 GMT

Masturbation euphemisms for women:

Applying nail polish remover
Auditioning the finger puppets
Brushing your afro
Buttering your bagel
Checking for squirrels
Checking the foxhole
Checking the oil
Checking the status of the I/O port
Cleaning my fur coat
Coaxing the genie out of the magic lamp
Defrosting the freezer
Dialing the rotary phone
Diggin' the stench trench
Digging for my keys
Doing my nails
Doing something for my chapped lips
Doing the two-finger slot rumba
Double-clicking your mouse
Draining the tuna
Drilling for oil
Dusting the endtable
Feeding the bearded clam
Filling the pink taco
Filling your niche
Finding yourself
Fingering something out
Finishing the job
Fishing for cumpliments
Fishing for mackerel
Flipping the light switch repeatedly
Flossing the cat
Fluffing the kitty
Gagging my meat hole
Gagging the clam
Getting a lube job
Getting a stain out of my carpet
Getting a stinky pinky
Getting the last pickle out of the jar
Getting to know Sticky Fingers the mobster
Going deep sea diving
Going to and from the Batcave
Hand tossing the tuna salad
Having ladyfingers and cream
Hitchhiking South
Indoor fishing
Jilling off
JocelynEldering
Makin' waves for the man-in-the-boat
Making your own gravy
Menage a moi
Mistressbate
Muffin buffin'
Nail polish remover
Nursing a hatchet wound
Opening the bottom drawer
Paddling the pink canoe
Parting the Red Sea
Petting the kitty
Playing the clitar
Playing the slots
Polishing the wedding ring
Preheating the oven
Priming the pump
Reading braille
Reading the map of Tasmania
Riding the unicycle
Riding your own mule down Grand Canyon
Romancing thy own
Rubbin Hood
Rubbin' the nubbin
Scraping the cheese off the taco
Searching for Ms. "G"
Shebopping
Shucking the fresh water clam
Slapping Susie
Slapping the mackerel
Sliding into home
Soaking in Palmolive
Spanking your puppy on the nose
Spearing the bearded clam
Spelunking in the mystery cave
Stirring the soup
Strumming the big open C
Surfing the web
Swimming in the Pu-Tang River
Taking a dip in the lake
Teasing the little man in the canoe
Testing the waters
The magical disappearing finger trick
The ole feel n' squeal
Tickling the kitty
Tiptoe through the TwoLips
Tossing the pink salad
Twinkling the little star
Two-finger taco tango
Unclogging the drain
Visiting Niagra Falls
Visiting your safety deposit box
Wading in the Bermuda Triangle
Washing your fingers
Whipping your cream
Working out at the Y

posted in Ask Jesus - 1 reply

why don't i believe in you?

zeldakoznofski — Thu, 26 Jan 2006 17:45:11 GMT

"evidence" notwithstanding and all...

posted in Ask Jesus - 11 replies

Dear Jebus...

Wed, 25 Jan 2006 21:01:35 GMT

Why are some people such A holes?

posted in Ask Jesus - 10 replies

what makes pink lemonade pink?

zeldakoznofski — Wed, 25 Jan 2006 00:25:49 GMT

jus' curious.

posted in Ask Jesus - 6 replies

jesus please forgive me

Mon, 16 Jan 2006 23:30:44 GMT

forgive me when i take this knife and kill this demon. I've been a good christian and I have been thrown before thee as a sinner and have wept at your feet , now my wings are dirty from carrying forth your plees to save humanity. I must end the life of this most terrible sinner...I ask only that you forgive me when I come to you covered in his blood. he is not worthy of breath and awaits his journey to hell to burn forever in the eternal fires of damnation.

posted in Ask Jesus - 15 replies

new tribe

badgerclaws — Sat, 21 Jan 2006 08:08:08 GMT

hey Jesus...Ill kill 2 goats, if you make the"new" tribe go away

posted in Ask Jesus - 3 replies

super bowl bets??

JayC — Wed, 25 Jan 2006 00:58:50 GMT

So you wanna know about the super bowl match up?? Im sure everyone does this time of year you should here the prayer lines. "Jesus if I could just cover this one spread Ill never ever ever... ...again blah blah blah"

Im in a good mood this year so Im gonna kick you down a little something extra. so pay attention here it goes

due to the airlines sketchy service and safety records in combination with the failure of a gas gage and faulty hinge pin in the tail rudder of a DC 727 the better team will lose by technical forfeit due to being absent in detroit at kick off time . A loss that will truly go in the books as the saddest ending to an otherwise succesful season.

posted in Ask Jesus - 1 reply

If God exists...

Mitch — Mon, 16 Jan 2006 15:45:46 GMT

...how can there be electronic "music"?

posted in Ask Jesus - 4 replies

An idea for a light comedy about Jesus

johnnygee — Wed, 11 Jan 2006 18:11:06 GMT

Jesus's dad, God, plays a joke on Jesus where his last days including his crucifixion are continually repeated ( ala Ground Hog Day) .

He wakes up 4 days before his crucifixion and the fun begins. And everytime ending up on the cross, dying, then waking up again on the 4th day again!

Gut busting , hilarious antics ! The movie poster could be Jesus on the cross looking up to sky shaking his fist ('why i oughtta ! ' ) .

the problem is , i dont have a name for my ... Your movie. Jesus, any ideas?

posted in Ask Jesus - 4 replies

Jesus Christ!

Peter Pan — Thu, 29 Dec 2005 08:58:55 GMT

What zealot started this tribe and where did he run to when he couldn't handle it. The nerve to start an ask Jesus tribe and abandon his flock. One day he will have to atone for his sins of the internet. He probaly changed his name to hide his shame.

posted in Ask Jesus - 3 replies

A Modest Proposal Concerning How to Resolve the Religion Question (by an Anonymous CHRISTIAN friend of mine)

Ailise — Sat, 07 Jan 2006 21:34:49 GMT

This is a SATIRICAL speech that was given in front of the most religiously, musically, etc. diverse, sacreligious, blasphemous, and controversial class one high school teacher has EVER had, given by a history buff and self-professed conservative, modeled after "A Modest Proposal" by Jonathan Swift. It is the MOST blasphemous thing I have EVER heard and is the single funniest speech/essay/whatever that has ever crossed my path. I thought mine was going to be good, what with all the talk about razor blades in g-strings, but this is masterful. Enjoy.

In the advent of such religious turmoil over this past season I and my colleagues have devised a rather brilliant proposal on how to resolve the religion question. Since religious viewpoints (especially those of Christians and Jews) often offend a certain percentage of the populace as well as incite such terrible controversy the most logical and pragmatic thing to do is to increase government intervention within the religious spheres, thus to temper and eventually abolish such archaic modes of thinking.

To begin our campaign of reforms we should first target the Christians due to the fact they are the oppressive majority of the populace and their beliefs are the most dangerous to those with different perspectives and to our goals. To begin our offensive on this insidious sect we shall decree it illegal to make any reference to Jesus Christ, the Apostles, God, Moses, and any other religious theme or character of the faith. The display of any Christian symbol or scene shall be outlawed, thus removing all crosses, nativity scenes, and the Christian fish from public and private property. Crosses and Christian symbols shall be removed from everything from veterans" memorials to cemetery headstones. Instead they will be replaced with a small flat concrete slab inscribed with their name, date of birth, date of death, and social security number. Holidays shall go by the name festive days and Christmas trees shall be called community trees. Businesses shall no longer say Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays, but Happy Festive Days.

The praying of Christian prayers loudly, the performance of Christian rituals in manner visible to non-Christians, and the preaching of Christian faiths in public shall also be prohibited. Christians shall be forbidden to criticize or speak out against any facet of non-Christian beliefs or religions. Christians shall be forbidden to ask non-Christians to join their faith. Baptism of infants and youths shall be illegal because they have not been educated about the various other faiths and viewpoints which are offended by this process. The publishing and sale of Christian religious literature is outlawed as well. While we are doing this we shall encourage and propagate such groups as the Ku Klux Klan and the Neo-Nazis because they are simply exercising their beliefs of natural selection. Places of worship shall be designated by the government. The building of new Christian houses of worship, expanding, or repairing existing locations shall be prohibited even if they fall in ruin. These regulations shall ensure that people of other faiths shall not be offended or threatened by Christian customs and paraphernalia and that no Christian house of worship will be any better than that of a fledgling faith.

Christians shall also be required to where bright red uniforms and a patch of the Christian fish emblazoned with flames and the words 'oppressor of the natural.' A large black cross shall be tattooed upon their forehead. This distinguishes them in public so that non-Christians may recognize them and be wary. Also, toilet paper rolls shall no longer be made instead they shall be replaced with small scrolls bearing Biblical texts upon their sheets. This causes the Christians to feel humiliated and subdued, thus rendering them less likely to revolt against the reform policies. Christians shall pay higher taxes to create revenue for government programs that benefit non-Christians. Christians shall also hold no public offices or bear weapons of any kind. These restrictions shall protect non-Christians in case of a backlash by removing the Christians' means of resistance and allow the perpetrators of such activities to be identifiable.

By this time the adults should be subjugated, allowing us to start a second offensive by re-educating Christian children about how foolish their parents' beliefs are and how the laws of nature apply to them. To begin, we shall explain to the youths that religion is merely an explanation of how and why things work devised by ancient superstitious fools. Every intelligent person knows that modern science disproves these obsolete doctrines, therefore rendering the possibility of a divine being impossible. Next, we shall explain to them the truth of how we came to be by introducing the theory of evolution to them and explaining how flawless it is. Since evolution has been established as pure fact it renders such theories as creationism or intelligent design as ridiculous fallacies. This proves that the only god in this universe is man and man alone. For we are the most advanced being in the universe capable of doing anything a "god" can do if we set our minds to it. So in essence MAN IS GOD! We shall then tell them that their supposed Savior never really rose from the dead, the Apostles were just suffering from eating too many poppy seeds or going through fits of mass hysteria over the crucifixion. The prophets of the Old Testament are ludicrous in a similar wav. Thev are nothine more than a bunch of Jews puffing on hukas addressing the various issues of their day

Next we shall educate them about how the laws of nature give them the logical and realistic way to live, instead of the teachings of an over-idealized crackpot Jew. The only proper way to live is by following the statutes of natural selection. The Golden Rule shall no longer be 'Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.' but 'do unto others before they do unto you/ Instead of'love thy neighbor as thyself it shall be 'deceive thy neighbors, lull him into a false sense of security, and then strike and take all his possessions.' This educates them that they must carve out a niche for themselves in life and do everything they can to secure that niche. We shall tell them it is not wise for them to help out the less fortunate because they are weak and deserve their fate. Finally, we shall tell them the reasons they suffer are due to them being part of the oppressive majority and that there parents' belief that the word of "God" is superior to the laws of Man*. All that is necessary of them is to renounce their faith and recognize that Man's law has the highest authority and then the suffering shall cease.

Now that we have solved the Christian question it is time to deal with the Jewish question (this was said with a German accent; Anonymous is also know as Hitler-man). The Jews, being only about three percent of the population, are not as much of a threat as the Christians. Yet they share many of the same beliefs with Christians and they must be dealt with accordingly. And our final blow shall be the removal of all things Judeo-Christian from government and society, endowing the people with more rights by eliminating the moral judgment brought about by Judeo-Christian principles.

The benefits from these policies are the guarantee of equality and fairness among the populace, the bestowal of more rights to the people, and the elimination of controversy and conflict. For we all know wars have only been foueht over religion and never has a war been fought because of greed, lust, or power. With the advent of hypersensitivity and the fact that the First Amendment statute of complete federal nonintervention in religious issues has been so perverted that I and my colleague believe that this proposal is the only foolproof plan for resolving the religion question.

posted in Ask Jesus - 3 replies

What is the most blasphemous thing you've ever heard?

Ailise — Mon, 02 Jan 2006 23:02:34 GMT

I heard something earlier today that was SUPER bad, but I don't remember it.

posted in Ask Jesus - 23 replies

tookie

badgerclaws — Tue, 13 Dec 2005 23:24:04 GMT

Yo Jesus..Jamie Foxx said you would be seeing that gutless wonder Williams
in Heaven after his termination by the Terminator...is this true?

posted in Ask Jesus - 21 replies

nail puller

badgerclaws — Fri, 02 Dec 2005 00:06:24 GMT

hey jesus...I bought you a nail puller for X-mas...
Do you think if Ponchas had a nail gun..he would hang more people on crosses...or do you think he would send them to the lions den?

posted in Ask Jesus - 13 replies

Loved The Name

rvr_rat66 — Wed, 21 Dec 2005 21:32:19 GMT

I loved the name of this tribe, so I joined.

posted in Ask Jesus - 23 replies

Jesus was a Carpenter

Sat, 17 Dec 2005 06:30:25 GMT

Previous to his career as a profit.

posted in Ask Jesus - 10 replies

jebus??? (spelled that way on purpose)

thomas666 — Thu, 01 Dec 2005 03:58:08 GMT

jebus, why is it the majority of the people who praise and believe in you, annoy the fuck out of me?

posted in Ask Jesus - 7 replies

If your there

Fri, 21 Oct 2005 21:56:19 GMT

Send me a sign.

posted in Ask Jesus - 7 replies

JESUS

Thu, 27 Oct 2005 15:53:29 GMT

CAN YOU SPARE A QUARTER FOR AN OLD ALTAR BOY FADDER?

posted in Ask Jesus - 4 replies

test your faith

joe — Sun, 16 Oct 2005 12:36:52 GMT

i hate to compete with the Penis thread...but this is worth it

http://www.liquidgeneration.com/games/homeless_jesus.asp

posted in Ask Jesus - 14 replies

Jesus has left the building

B_love — Mon, 17 Oct 2005 16:01:47 GMT

I don't blame him really, lots of Jesus bashing. Although I don't get why he left its not like he hasn't taking a beating before. I want a moderator, and I would like to nominate me on the grounds of next of kin.

posted in Ask Jesus - 14 replies

Jesus have you gone already?

Tue, 18 Oct 2005 23:33:10 GMT

I'd only one question. Is it wrong to pity Lucifer? I know at one time he was the closest angel to God. I feel sorry for him at times, and I am so in conflict. Tell me, what does the Father say?

posted in Ask Jesus - 3 replies

are you really, really, real?

joe — Thu, 20 Oct 2005 16:51:14 GMT

I have spent the last 20 years unbelieving all I was taught as a child...and now this

http://www.chron.com/cs/CDA/ssistory.mpl/front/3403980

http://news.sbc.yahoo.com/s/ap/20051020/ap_on_go_ca_st_pe/cia_leak_investigation;_ylt=AsYbl3BUkNGAbr5od53ZYa.s0NUE;_ylu=X3oDMTA3b2NibDltBHNlYwM3MTY-

maybe there is a god

posted in Ask Jesus - 1 reply

DOES JESUS

Fri, 14 Oct 2005 17:37:56 GMT

EAT PORK?

posted in Ask Jesus - 4 replies

Hey Jesus...

Ailise — Fri, 14 Oct 2005 23:44:30 GMT

I have a friend who writes "Jesus has boner" on everything... Who's it for?

posted in Ask Jesus - 1 reply

Jesus...

Ailise — Mon, 25 Jul 2005 20:03:43 GMT

... I think God is gay; who created boobies?

posted in Ask Jesus - 9 replies

Jesus, how did you get such great abs?

audio_muchacho — Wed, 04 May 2005 23:31:36 GMT

Well? How?!?!?

posted in Ask Jesus - 9 replies

Hey Jeebus....

Ailise — Fri, 23 Sep 2005 15:58:01 GMT

What would you do for a Klondike Bar?

(Please tell me that hasn't already been asked... I'm in class and I am incredibly bored...)

And where did venereal diseases come from? What was you Father thinking when He invented them?

posted in Ask Jesus - 2 replies

What The Fuck?

Jesus — Fri, 10 Jun 2005 04:51:28 GMT

Looks like there is a little Jesus bashing going on in here...

posted in Ask Jesus - 30 replies

internet

badgerclaws — Tue, 09 Aug 2005 22:40:49 GMT

Hey J
when are you gonna bless everyone with high-speed internet?
I had it,but moved and now im in internet hell with(I hate to even say it) dial-up!
"the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away?"
If thats true....well Im gonna have to go ahead and be a pagan again.

posted in Ask Jesus - 5 replies

Yo Yo Yo Im BACK

JayC — Sun, 19 Jun 2005 17:05:27 GMT

just got paroled now Im back in full effect

posted in Ask Jesus - 32 replies

oh mr.Jesus man

Sat, 24 Jul 2004 21:30:52 GMT

why am i sooooooooooo sexy?

posted in Ask Jesus - 14 replies

wow...very friendly

joe — Sat, 09 Jul 2005 02:50:47 GMT

http://www.tshirthell.com/worsethanhell.shtml

posted in Ask Jesus - 5 replies

I've always wondered...

Ailise — Fri, 17 Jun 2005 17:48:38 GMT

...Jesus, who'd you lose your virginity to?

posted in Ask Jesus - 17 replies

Stick around for Jesus

wonderlush — Sat, 04 Jun 2005 07:45:46 GMT

Why does Jesus always leave right after? He can die for our sins, but he can't stick around long enough to cuddle?

posted in Ask Jesus - 18 replies

And the verdict is...

Ailise — Mon, 13 Jun 2005 21:22:10 GMT

... not guilty on all charges.

WTF???!!! Jesus, where the HELL were you?

posted in Ask Jesus - 13 replies

Sorry Dude

danielisaacbriggs — Mon, 30 May 2005 23:43:42 GMT

Ever since this bullshit where you can't call yourself what 4,000 mexicans can, it's been no fun.
Thanks for the laughs. I'm outa here.

posted in Ask Jesus - 16 replies

jesus, jesus

stephanie_phillyjawn — Fri, 30 Jul 2004 16:52:36 GMT

jesus, jesus you're so fine.
you're so fine, you blow my mind.
hey! jesus!

posted in Ask Jesus - 21 replies

Im sick of this.......

Tue, 26 Apr 2005 00:42:27 GMT

Screw this tribe.I try to say something educational,and the idiots in here have nothing to say.Read a book you dumbasses.go fuck yourselves

posted in Ask Jesus - 3 replies

So, JC,

Mitch — Mon, 28 Mar 2005 21:13:55 GMT

What's up for Easter?

posted in Ask Jesus - 3 replies

something else..

Thu, 03 Mar 2005 01:52:47 GMT

for your amusement.
http://www.kicken.com/funnyfiles/WackoJacko.swf

posted in Ask Jesus - 0 replies

Cheap toy airplane

Mon, 28 Feb 2005 23:56:44 GMT

http://www.jesuslovesporn.net/jokes/bf/aircraft.jpg

posted in Ask Jesus - 7 replies

yo dude

CaptainBenevento — Thu, 13 Jan 2005 00:56:18 GMT

What's this crap about some rabbit leaving colored eggs everywhere and you get the credit for it???
I hope PETA protestors show up outside the pearly gates about your exploitation of other deities and traditions.

posted in Ask Jesus - 2 replies

a note from JAY-C

Coach — Sat, 18 Dec 2004 00:39:09 GMT

Hi everyone,
My name is Justin. I was the Original Jay-C. That ALT got booted by CURT tatteling. Should I return to eareth as Jay-C? Ill will take a vote and if there is enough response I will recreate the ALT and we can still have some fun. If your into it
Justin

posted in Ask Jesus - 4 replies

Hey Jesus.....

CaptainBenevento — Sun, 02 Jan 2005 05:45:40 GMT

Would it be too tacky if I regift one of your presents???
Just asking........

posted in Ask Jesus - 0 replies

Happy birthday

CaptainBenevento — Fri, 24 Dec 2004 06:12:57 GMT

http://www.jesusoftheweek.com/

posted in Ask Jesus - 1 reply

Levon

Mitch — Fri, 17 Dec 2004 18:29:42 GMT

So, if there's no more Jesus, why exactly do we have this tribe?

posted in Ask Jesus - 2 replies

Jesus has his own doll

CaptainBenevento — Fri, 17 Dec 2004 16:13:30 GMT

http://www.jesus-action-figure.com/

posted in Ask Jesus - 1 reply

WWJB??

CaptainBenevento — Thu, 16 Dec 2004 02:28:01 GMT

http://www.cafepress.com/wwjbomb

posted in Ask Jesus - 1 reply

Jesus cookies

CaptainBenevento — Wed, 08 Dec 2004 05:29:55 GMT

Hope they turn out ok and you have a Merry Christmas!

Christmas Tequila Cookies

1 cup of dark brown sugar
1 cup (2 sticks) butter
1 cup of granulated sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups of dried fruit, such as dried cranberries or raisins
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
1 tsp fresh lemon juice
1 cup coarsely chopped walnuts or pecans
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila (silver or gold, as desired)

Please ensure that you read through, and follow directions carefully

Directions
Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl,
check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the
highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Turn on
the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large
fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again.
At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is
still OK, try another cup ...just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to
the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit, pick the
frigging fruit off floor... Mix on the turner. If the
fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it
loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check
for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Check the
Jose Cuervo.Now shift the lemon juice and strain your
nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or
somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall
over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally,
throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose
Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the
dishwasher.
CHERRY MISTMAS!

posted in Ask Jesus - 0 replies

Surprise Birthday party

CaptainBenevento — Sat, 27 Nov 2004 16:01:47 GMT

Jesus will be 2004 this year, I'm getting together a surprise birthday party at a couple of the clubs that he likes to hang out at.
Since he's a hard person to find, maybe we can go ahead and start without him and hope that he shows up in time for the last piece of cake.
What do you people think??

posted in Ask Jesus - 3 replies

Hey Jesus

CaptainBenevento — Sat, 27 Nov 2004 01:26:38 GMT

I need that money I fronted you for that hit of crack and those two lap dances while we out partying last weekend.
Moses has some killer green bud and I want to get a bag before Judas snitches him off again.

posted in Ask Jesus - 2 replies

Why do you hate us?

MyBodyIsATemple — Tue, 09 Nov 2004 05:35:50 GMT

Jesus?

posted in Ask Jesus - 8 replies

Dear Jesus,

sultresweetie — Sun, 21 Nov 2004 22:41:37 GMT

How come you don't call me anymore? You said you would still respect me in the morning!

posted in Ask Jesus - 0 replies