thank you both for your help. I keep a journal and originally I had writtlen everything down. Not just how I feel but a short history of the last year or so. It was my hope that by putting it down I might be able to see the whole picture better. When I was done it amazed me how extreeme the last year had been. However I had no more of an idea what to do next. So I put the entire thing online in my blog here figuring someone uninvolved and unbiased would see it and give their oppinion.
The way things are with me physically prevents me from doing what ever I want. I should be able to go to Ireland or Germany if I wanted but I haven't got the stamina to walk more than a couple blocks at a time. I am not going to whine endlessly about what I can't have. It's obvious I have to make peace with my condition. It took a few years for my life to stabalize to the point where I can see what needs to remain and whats not working any more.
Part of me wants to move to Portland. Another feels like I should still be able to get a job of some sort (perhaps storyboarding for an agency). Another choice is to give it all up again become homeless (purposely) and make myself wander the world for a while. Every time I get cabin fever I seem to forget all the negative aspects of losing a place to live. At best homelessness is boring, there is nothing less appealing than having no where to go when you don't need to be anywhere. Even with money having to be in public constantly/permanently isn't fun.
If I move to Portland I lose almost a third of my check. I know the cost of living is less there but am not sure if things would balance out financially. Plus there is the weather: is this really the time to be moving to a city I have never lived in before? On the other hand there are plenty of Tribers who live in the area so I would have friends to hang out with (none left here, all the people I know are still strugling with financial issues which makes it almost imposible to relate to them or for them to keep up with me).
I kinda intended to move to Oregon in March anyway. Basicly when winter is over. So maybe going sooner is an idea anyway.
I realize this is going to sound strange but it occurs to me that a major par of my problem is that when something bad enough happens where I live it feels exactly the same as beeing homeless. Like somehow even though I have a place to live there is nowhere for me to be and whats worse is the knowledge that I am paying for the privelege. So even though I have a place it ends up feeling like I shouldn't be here either.
It feels like the equivalent of not having accomplished anything at all.
As far as what Meo said about working toward the future, I did what she said. Originally I had a plan for 5 and then 10 years. To do it again means starting over, I have no problem with that. However I'd rather not make any of the mistakes I had the first time. One of the biggest was moving back and forth between southern california and Northern nevada for a bunch of years while trying to do college. So if I do move it will be permanently. I therefore need to know that I am completely done with what my life is here and why I came in the first place.

There is a Company called Storyboards Inc. i am going to try getting a job with them. If that doesn't work or work out if I get it then there is nothiing left here that I couldn't do anywhere else.

So thats the plan, if all else fails i go North !!!