How to deal with grudge holders

topic posted Mon, January 26, 2009 - 9:09 PM by  cup
What do you do about people that dislike/hate you because of one clash you had ages ago and they simply refuse to let go and forgive?

I am talking about online and offline.

Both sexes do this this, but to be honest it tends to be females more often than not. Some females tend to hold onto grudges forever. Ask my Mother she can probably prattle off a list of all the things I've done to hurt her feelings ever since I was a kid.

That being said, I've had guy who hold grudges against me too.

My personality is aligned with that of th definition of an Indigo. Not the Indigo label that everyone throws around to every talented person out there. Mine fits all the criteria of being someone passionate about change and outraged at lies and deceit.

Sadly it means I can step on toes, and not mean too. Another side to my personality is I am very eager to forgive, especially when I empathically sense the person is sorry or genuinely wants to patch things up.

Okay down to solutions.

My current way of dealing with these people is simply to withdraw as much as I can from their lives. If that means leaving tribes/forums/clubs/organisations that the grudge holder is prominent in - then so be it.

Grudge holders like to think their grudge is private to them, but it comes out subconsciously in their actions towards you and often the loudest action is the silent treatment. They will even try to unwittingly recruit your friends/associates into their circle.

There really is no other way to deal with these people is there?
posted by:
offline cup
  • Re: How to deal with grudge holders

    Tue, January 27, 2009 - 3:04 AM
    I just remain polite to them but don't involve myself in their life. Two of my 3 brothers are huge grudge holders. We are talking years. I speak with them when necessary, but that is it. I love them and realize this is their problem, not mine. Some people just don't forgive, even when the other person isn't really at fault. Good example of this is my niece's wedding day. I had bought a new outfit to wear to it, since I didn't have any dressy clothes at the time. I got sick the day of the wedding, but sniffed back my tears and got dress anyhow. I was about to go out the door when I nearly passed out from illness. I had to remain in bed until the next day (and boy did I cry about it). My brother never forgave me for missing out on his daughter's wedding. He just doesn't understand. Some people are like that.
    • Re: How to deal with grudge holders

      Tue, January 27, 2009 - 5:04 AM
      I am a grudge holder. I know it and I hate it but I don't know how to stop. Any suggestions?
      • Re: How to deal with grudge holders

        Tue, January 27, 2009 - 6:33 AM
        What kind of Grudge holder are you?

        Is it for serious things...or do you find you hold grudges for the smallest of things?

        I think the best way is self examination - of your feelings. When you feel that way towards someone, Ask yourself why you can't forgive? relaly probe yourself.
  • Re: How to deal with grudge holders

    Tue, January 27, 2009 - 7:21 AM
    I find that many people who hold on to grudges, also have trouble forgiving themself? They are really hard on themself. I think forgiveness begins with yourself. After all, we are only human and will make mistakes. It's just part of the learning process.
    • Re: How to deal with grudge holders

      Sat, January 31, 2009 - 5:51 PM
      Set Fire to their undies................ just joking..... hahaha!
      • Re: How to deal with grudge holders

        Wed, February 4, 2009 - 9:49 PM
        I like Dodger's! Actually a little understanding, with a dash of compromise, and a heaping helping of humor is a recipe that works for me.
        I do empathize with all of you though, meeting someone halfway is not possible if that walk takes me halfway to negative.
        • Re: How to deal with grudge holders

          Tue, February 24, 2009 - 5:41 AM
          This was posted on another tribe and I was given permission to post it here:

          A little insight from the mayo clinic:

          Grudges must feel satisfying in some way; if they didn’t, we might not be as likely to hold on to them for so long.
          Maybe we get some temporary satisfaction when acting in a passive-aggressive way toward the people we hold grudges against.

          If so, that meager recompense we gain from treating someone badly or ostracizing them hardly begins to balance out all the negative effects of holding a grudge.
          If we are unable to let go of a grudge, we face time lost stewing over it, the anger that can embitter us in many ways for years, and the potential health problems
          that result from the anxiety, depression, increased heart rate, and elevated blood pressure that grudges can cause.

          Learning how to let go of a grudge will be demanding, but it can help restore a relationship if that’s your goal. However, reconciliation is not a requirement.
          Some people don’t deserve it; some grudges come out of conflicts repulsive enough to make you realize that you don't want to deal with that person any longer.

          With that in mind, we’ll now look at four steps that’ll help you let go of a grudge.

          step 1
          Find the source of the grudge
          You know what was done to you, but surely you’ve been burned or insulted many times in the past -- we all have --
          and you don’t hold on to those; what keeps this grudge festering? You need to examine the issue to find its true source
          before you can let go of a grudge.

          Is your festering grudge due to the fact that you haven't forgiven the offending person despite their apology?
          Keep in mind that forgiveness doesn’t make everything all right. As noted by Dr. Katherine Piderman,
          the Mayo Clinic’s staff chaplain, to forgive is not to condone, to relieve responsibility or to excuse the behavior;
          forgiveness is a personal act that can transfer emotional control back into your hands.

          Are you allowing your pride to have too much sway? If so, great idea -- humankind has only been asserting the pitfalls of
          having too much pride for hundreds of years. Surely your own pride will be the exception.

          step 2
          Rationalize its impact on your life
          Have you ever been dating a woman when, out of the blue, she tells you that she’s been upset about something you did last month?
          Your initial reaction, which you’re better off holding in, to her inability to let go of a grudge might be to laugh. Why has she
          been keeping that inside for so long -- or has she? Suddenly, you remember an instance or two when she denied you sex for no
          ostensible reason or seemed to take an extra long time getting ready to go out one night when you were in a hurry.
          Forgive the stereotype, but women hold on to grudges longer than men; after all, men invented the grudge match.

          We have two more steps to help you let go of a grudge… The point is that there is a very good chance that your grudge
          is having a much more powerful and negative impact on your own life than it is on your partners. This alone should be good motivation
          to let go of a grudge and get rid of it. Holding on to a grudge is a sign of weakness; it reveals your insecurities and it gives the offender
          an enormous amount of control over you.

          step 3
          Change the course of your relationship
          Living with a grudge is a way of life as much as it is an attitude, so when you let go of a grudge it should initiate a change in your
          relationship with the offending person -- a change that, at this step, ought to be reflected in your behavior.

          If you have decided to restore the relationship, then it's time to cut out the passive-aggressive behavior and the cold-shoulder treatment.
          If you have decided that the incident that sparked the grudge revealed something about their character that has put you off permanently,
          it's time to distance yourself.

          Do one or the other. You can’t do both.

          step 4
          Leave the grudge behind
          The last necessary step when you let go of a grudge will demand a new degree of willpower. It is one thing to allow your new attitude
          to change the course of your relationship, but truly leaving the grudge behind means never allowing it to contaminate you again.

          For example, if someone asks you how so-and-so is doing, you have to resist the urge to recount the whole sordid tale just for the purpose of
          putting a little stain on their name. This is an urge which, in the recent past, you may have jumped on at every opportunity.

          In order to cash out this grudge, you have to honor and respect your intentions of dropping it all behind you and not letting it infect your thoughts,
          feelings or actions. It’s easier said than done, but necessary nonetheless.


          reply to this post
          • Re: How to deal with grudge holders

            Fri, February 27, 2009 - 1:04 AM
            Now that was a mouthful of amazing! Definitely appropriate all around. I'm sure we are all dealing with a touch of this in our lives...I know I am! Thanks for that timely article quote.
            • Re: How to deal with grudge holders

              Fri, February 27, 2009 - 1:12 AM
              Oh, and I wanted to state for the origional person who wrote the post, Cup; I know just how bad it feels in the offline world, when a friend or aquaintance turns on us and damages our name, or causes some sort of problem...but I could definitely see how it could be harder to get away from that person in an online situation. No matter what,it kinda takes all the strength we've got sometimes, to act right. But I always look at it like, 'if we don't, who will?'
  • Re: How to deal with grudge holders

    Wed, February 25, 2009 - 7:53 AM

    I think you are right in you rinitial answer.. to withdraw .. emotional energy anyway.. one may not be able to withdraw from physical space as in work related situations.

    Cath I also agree with you.. remaining polite is important.

    It can be strange online if someone holds a grudge against you and continues to publicize that.. takes thought and appropriate legal backup. There are laws against internet bullying/defamation/slander .. internet is aplayground for many as wkll as an important tool for resources and sharing information.
    • Re: How to deal with grudge holders

      Fri, February 27, 2009 - 9:14 AM
      Lee Ann: I am a grudge holder too! I recently came to know this about myself and i figured out why i do it. deep down i am so scared of being hurt again by this person (always after the first fight) that I form this grudge against them to protect me from any future hurt. I realized how unfair this was recently when I saw people in my family I was holding grudges against who clearly love me very much. it felt unfair to be punishing them, even if it's only in *my* mind. i did this with my husband for a long time too, but i am trying to let go of the urge to hold a grudge.
      • Re: How to deal with grudge holders

        Fri, February 27, 2009 - 10:42 AM
        Simple song, your honesty is beautiful as is your awareness. It inspires me to look deeper into my own family stuff. Thank you :)

        I think I used to be much more of a grudge holder when I was a teen for the very reason you mention. Still I have a lot of kapha (earth) energy so it takes a lot (sometimes years) to cause me to draw away my respect and when I do it takes a long time for me to heal from it. I guess that would be called a grudge but I know I need the healing time. What I am reminded by this topic/posts is to revisit the grudge after the healing time is over and let it go.

        Is it just me or is this just a strange sounding/looking word - grudge? I keep wanting to type grunge, lol (Freudian slip?)
        • Re: How to deal with grudge holders

          Fri, February 27, 2009 - 8:58 PM
          "grudge" is a weird-sounding word. I confess to almost always giving in to the temptation to say it in a funny voice. But I kinda like "udge" words - I do a silly bathing song for some of the residents I work with that uses the word "scrudge" instead of "scrub". Oddly enough, "grunge" sounds even weirder to me. Then again, I am definitely one of those people who think the world would be a better place if more of our actions came with cartoon sound effects.

          Sorry, totally didn't really help further the topic, did I?
          • Re: How to deal with grudge holders

            Sat, February 28, 2009 - 8:02 AM
            LOL, perfect comic relief! Always helps my day be less "sgrungy"
            • Re: How to deal with grudge holders

              Sat, February 28, 2009 - 8:11 AM
              itis funny.. that was my first response.

              My next was to say to you.. caution.. sometimes I have goen off-topic and I nwo have soem admirers/harrassers who arepointing sin/error/harrassment/defamaion/liar fingers at me.. they fidn targets and do not like to let go.. until they find another.

              I still thinkits funny.

              IGrudges clearly are drudgy.. and the word soundslike a pulling down of low energy. these drones/harrassers/ ok plain old creeps vibrate at such a low energy it is sad.
              i will have to look up the Greek or Latin derivation of grudge./
    • Unsu...

      Re: How to deal with grudge holders

      Fri, March 20, 2009 - 8:24 PM
      ...forget about the grudge holders, if you can- as we can't convince them otherwise anyway... It can become complicated when they start setting up friends against you and even, well lets say, energetically engage in "stealing friends" out of jealousy and other negative emotions perhaps, they are experts in setting up situations for you to experience a sense of "loss" - as many grudge holder do have an agenda or projection - so I experienced. Well, perhaps we deserve what we get and need to take responsibility for our lives - but it is sure a scenario I do not wish to give to anybody - nor do I wish to create agendas in the first place myself, hence keep a safe distance is my advice, at least till we are strong enough to uplift them into a higher realm.

      Grudge holders are into game playing all to often and operate behind the scenes in secret, so I observed. One cannot solve problems easily with them. Again, stay away from them, as many are difficult and unsafe personalities, who do not have their basic propensities under control.

      And, yes they tend to suck the life force right out of you, whenever you give them an opportunity... they often operate through friends to get to you... these type of people, often even experts in something fantastic, and especially smart in game playing methods of pop-psychology and spirituality, cannot be trusted and often appear to be false leaders in social/spiritual settings.

      Try not to attract them by giving out too much information about you and your life in the first place. They can't be trusted and are the poorest examples of any kind of expert - I came across in my life... I sure experienced a lesson with this type of personality and have become more careful as a result and less trusting. They all too often cannot and will not create safe space.
      • Re: How to deal with grudge holders

        Fri, March 20, 2009 - 9:29 PM
        wow Shanti gracias

        You nailed it!

        Thank you
        • K
          offline 0

          Re: How to deal with grudge holders

          Wed, September 17, 2014 - 1:45 AM
          Here is my situation - was playing badminton, and a smash hurt someone in the eye - I apologised, as is common to do during a game.

          Badminton is about smashing and winning points and part of the game is that you may get hit by the shuttlecock if you are in the wrong position. I met the guy a few weeks later and he accused me of causing the injury after telling me that he had to see a doctor etc. Like the first posts I hate deceit or people who are looking for people to blame, so my response was that it was not my fault. This person is a bit of a hoarder mentality, and not someone I would normally seek for friendship. I didn't feel the need to apologise, however the impact on me is not that he holds a grudge, refused to play with me and seems to want to tell everyone what a bad person I am.

          I know that if I got hit by a shuttlecock I would no way blame the other person, as its part of the game, so feel upset about being treated like this and don't know what to do, apart from leaving the club! I love my badminton. The worse part is I feel that I am a very open, straightforward person so upset at being given a 'label' by someone else.

          Advice welcome!
          • K
            offline 283
            1) Re Cup:
            "What do you do about people that dislike/hate you because of one clash you had ages ago and they simply refuse to let go and forgive? "

            2) Re:
            "As noted by Dr. Katherine Piderman, the Mayo Clinic’s staff chaplain, to forgive is not to condone, to relieve responsibility or to excuse the behavior; forgiveness is a personal act that can transfer emotional control back into your hands."

            KT, Buddhist spiritual doctor/ psychologist and so forth ) responds

            (1) That is not the general case. The general case is repeated clashes, not one. A reasonable and intelligent response to many simple issues is to not revisit previous incidents, but many or most issues are complicated, tangled, or involve multiple parties.

            There is a quote for this, from James Bond:
            "Mr. Bond, they have a saying in Chicago. Once is circumstance, twice is coincidence, and the third time is enemy action."

            Basically, once you know someone is sociopathic ( even a little ) or psychopathic, you Never Let Down Your Guard.

            (2) The ( cough cough ) "advice" from Dr. Kathy of Mayo is of course ridiculous as a general approach. This approach is literally absurd in the face of danger and violence, including emotional violence.

            In general, "forgiveness" is enabling. There are certain people you don't want to forgive and whom you have to NEUTRALIZE. One very important example is Adolf Hitler. He did more than just take over part of Czechoslovakia (the Suedetanland ). He went after Belgium, France, Poland and so forth.

            Maybe Dr. Kathy never heard of this guy. But most people have, More recently, we have Vladimir Putin in Ukraine, where he doesn't belong, and we have Boko Haram abducting schoolgirls in Northeast Nigeria. And Seleka in Central African Republic, and Islamic State and so on and so forth.

            The technical name for that is "meshed boundaries". And what is needed in such instances is Boundary Management.

            "Forgiveness" is what does not work. Certainly not with major bad guys. Sometimes the bad guys are power-hungry or even insane, and sometimes they have big weapons and refuse to accept the Amended Geneva Convention on Warfare. Sometimes they burn down churches, abduct girls and women, and sell these girls and women into slavery or keep them as slaves.

            And the thing about major bad guys is that they keep on being bad guys until they are stopped. So sometimes, when the line is crossed, it is necessary to deal with the bad guys in the only language they understand.

            Apocalypse Now - Terminate, with extreme prejudice.

            I'm not going to go into the whole area of Situation Ethics and Scalable Response. All we are discussing at this point is the baseline of recognizing serious issues and dealing with them. And that is different from "turning the other cheek."

            In general, the principle of "turning the other cheek" as a naive overall guiding dogma is prima facie dumb, masochist and self-defeating. Because it fails to address the general case, difficult cases or any worst case scenario. In general, the idea of "turning the other cheek" is clearly stated by the proposition "go ahead, rape me again." And that is what doesn't work. This is why I dropped Christianity in seventh grade and got into existentialism.

            In real life there are bad guys, difficult cases and worst case scenarios. That is why there are police and military units.

            Dirty Harry Do You ( I ) Feel Lucky Punk? ( high quality )

            And that is why there is Buddhist kung fu. It is for developing a balanced fighting spirit. Shao Lin Buddhist kung fu is *not* about beating up on people. Fighting is not the goal. Inner development is the goal. The ethical system of Shao Lin is based on patience, humility, discipline, attentiveness, co-operation, loyalty, follow-through and never giving up.

            Bruce Lee - Be Water My Friend (Melodysheep Remix)

            This is a key example and practice in Buddhist teaching. This is what I put forward as a clear alternative to "turning the other cheek", because that can and does translate in practice to the nonfunctional "rape me again" type passivity. Forgiveness is not merely a personal position. It is also a social act, and it has consequences.

            In key scenarios these outcomes include personal danger and death. In serious cases of threat of harm, passivity is typically the wrong approach. It is the abdication of negotiating power and exposes people to further bad consequences.

            I am a Buddhist teacher, and what I do will of course be basically unknown to Dr. Kathy Piderman, staff chaplain at the world renowned Mayo Clinic. No doubt this doctor is a muggle. But her stuff doesn't work, for the reasons I have clearly outlined. My stuff does work. The approach I lay out is well-known, classical, proven and extremely valuable.

            It's called scalable response, situation ethics, and kung fu. It's not about fighting per se. It's about discipline and dealing with situations in a balanced way that resolves problems, and above all, keeps people safe.

            The basic social principle is safety and minimizing harm to all. And that requires discipline and commitment, and a principled approach to life. Masochism and passivity are attitudes that generally will fail in life.

            Remember, Safety First.