I believe that people should not be forced to apologize. This is because I believe apologies should be completely sincere. And forced apologies are rarely sincere. As such, I'd prefer not to receive an apology than receive a forced apology which is, therefore, a fake apology. Besides, forcing people to apologize is a form of bullying. And since I believe bullying is a counterproductive form of behavior, I'd rather let the person who did me wrong apologize on their own.
I recently came to the conclusion that this view is a form of forgiveness or at least something close to it. Forgiveness, as I understand it, is an important step toward conflict resolution. On the most part, I suck at forgiveness. But hopefully my tolerance toward not receiving apologies might help improve my capacity for forgiveness eventually.
I recently came to the conclusion that this view is a form of forgiveness or at least something close to it. Forgiveness, as I understand it, is an important step toward conflict resolution. On the most part, I suck at forgiveness. But hopefully my tolerance toward not receiving apologies might help improve my capacity for forgiveness eventually.
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Michigan
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Re: Swimming through apologies
Wed, July 16, 2008 - 7:52 AMwell, i for my part aprreciate these insights, and, apologize for my own role in miscommunications and misunderstandings.
:)
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Re: Swimming through apologies
Sat, August 2, 2008 - 7:51 AMForgiving others is, in my opinion, only practice for forgiving ourselves for our own transgressions. Forgiving someone else may or may not make them or you feel any better. I believe that all that can really heal is for us each to forgive ourselves -- they must forgive themselves before they will be at peace with what they have done to you and be ready to take responsibility to address it and in some way make it better for you. Words will probably not do that, however sincere.
Have you ever noticed, perhaps with a family member, that something they do or some behavior they have really bothers you? Then, if you look deeper perhaps you notice it bothers you because you also do it and it reminds you of that fact? Would it make you feel better if they apologize? Wouldn't be unsatisfying because inside you know you do it too? You'd probably resent their apology as much as you disliked their original behavior... perhaps because you'd see how your own behavior was unchanged and the apology does nothing about that. I've been there... I've had to forgive myself and move on to better behavior after seeing myself in the mirror of their behavior.
I was always puzzled why people apologizing to me seemed to have no positive effect at all on me. It didn't make me feel any better, even when it was sincere. I was not feeling the "magic" of their apology. It always seemed like empty words, even when I knew the person meant it. What did matter to me was when someone got off their apologizing butt and did something about the damage they had caused me. Words are cheap. Actions speak louder than words.
The same is true for forgiving oneself, I believe. It isn't enough to say to yourself that you're sorry for your own behavior or deeds. You have to show yourself the changes you are making, in a credible way, as if your self was someone else and you had to genuinely convince them you were changing for the better. If you actually do this you really will feel better. You... I should say, me. I feel better when I do this, and perhaps it would also work for you.
When I am in a state where I have forgiven myself, I take less harm from the behavior of others, and there is less of a reason for them to need to apologize. I see their meanness as a sign of their pain and I feel sad that they should be in such a state, rather than taking what they say as an attack on me that I somehow "deserve." One need not apologize for bleeding, only throwing punches. Meeting anger with kindness is sometimes the only dressing that can begin to heal the wounds they have suffered, and it is transforming both for them and you.
I believe this to be true, and I practice this when I am able. No, I am not religious... at all. -
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Re: Swimming through apologies
Sun, August 3, 2008 - 1:12 AMinteresting thoughts to meditate on.
Theres not much i see to forgive myself of. The way i see it those inherent flaws i have which account for most of my personal errors
aren't something i can change; thats gods fault. Other than that, I'm one of those people pretty consumed with always doing the closest
thing i know to the right thing. Which i guess has its own inherent paradoxes involving self interest. But anyhow.
I find myself scrolling through my life thinking if theres anything to forgive myself for. I guess if i think of something i'll get back to you.
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Wouldn't be unsatisfying because inside you know you do it too? You'd probably resent their apology as much as you disliked their original behavior... perhaps because you'd see how your own behavior was unchanged and the apology does nothing about that. I've been there... I've had to forgive myself and move on to better behavior after seeing myself in the mirror of their behavior.
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apologies are very satisfying when they are sincere and real, and when they are the first step in positive change. The only time i have ever resented an apology is when i knew it lacked sincerity, or, when it proved later to not be accompanied by right action.
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I see their meanness as a sign of their pain and I feel sad that they should be in such a state, rather than taking what they say as an attack on me that I somehow "deserve."
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merely witnessing humanities pitch fork games is itself torture, even tho, for the most part, I'm not involved.
thats a sign of spiritual maturity, and its nice to have somebody bring it up.
Things become more complicated in the gray spaces of two good people both doing good things but still not quite managing to synch
with each other. In this particular case, I have been very hard on yul because i keep hoping he will kick it up to the next level. Hes managed
to mistake this, for the most part, for the kind of naysaying that we both have to wade through because we are visionary thinkers.
I'm not sure how to heal it or if it can be healed. Perhaps its really all rooted in my own bad habit of wishing people were something more
or better or more like i wish they would be. On the other hand, If i could just get the few people i know out there who are most of the way there to work with me, ....
Well, the tragedy in my mind is what Yul and I are not accomplishing together because I'm a bad diplomat and hes no scientist,
and we can't seem to converge on the fact that we both want to do space exploration well ahead of the bell curve, and that where i lack people skills, hes got aplenty, and where he lack science back ground, i have aplenty.
Where it goes from there? No clue. I'd like to be an open source nasa. The real hump is the first two people working collaboratively.
Once that happens other people can see and participate in that energy. Till it happens, both me and Yul are spinning our wheels without
traction, because those wheels are just too small to move a chunk of freight so large.
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