NOT WAVING BUT DROWNING
by W.D. Snodgrass (1957)

Nobody heard him, the dead man,
I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.

Poor chap, he always loved larking
And now he's dead
It must have been too cold for him his
heart gave way,
They said.

Oh, no no no, it was too cold always
(Still the dead one lay moaning)
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning.

I sit by the sea calmly gazing at the waves. My mind is in tone with the rhythm of the waves motion. In this induced meditative state I planned to end my life.
Dreams of joining the rhythm of the sea draws me in. I need a warm wet hug. The breaking waves whisper my name as they break on the rock lined shore. The crashing waves spray water on my face, kisses from a loving parent.
I begin my decent to the watery grave. The dance of death was a trance of total bliss.
As soon as both feet are submerged the tide begins to pull me deeper. Gently at first, but increasingly more forcibly the deeper into the embrace I allow myself to progress. Each forward step taken eliminates a little of my ability to turn back.
When the water reaches up to my neck, there was an alarming change in temperature. The warm hug of death dissipates to the lonely cold of life breaking the trance.
Just as I take the step which could have been my last, the waves break their rhythm. A large wave hits me hard enough to knocks me off my feet. Once my footing was lost my body began to float.
The ocean had thrown me back. I did the dead-mans float back to life on the shore, at first feeling hurt and rejected. But then the realization that the ocean had caused a lesson to form in my confused mind. The liquid professor had fostered my connection to Gaia. I came to realize that the very reasons that drove me to want to end my life are virtues which should be nourished and allowed to flower. The body is a gift and should not be treated as evil.
I heard the lesson in every cell of my body. The great tragedy of the human story is the separation of the mind & body. Western religion has been an attempt to escape the body. This same nonsense is used to advocate the new electronic society. Heaven & Cyberspace are both generated by the same hatred of the body. These myths need to be over thrown for the world to survive. The western belief in the after-life is what allows them to justify trashing the planet. People must re-inhabit their bodies. For the body is both the mystery and the key to the mystery at the same time.

Ever since the incident, my second chance, the rebirth into the realm of the hopeful, I now love being near the ocean. I was never a strong swimmer but I feel less clumsy and more graceful in the ocean now then on land. In the sea my dreaded perverse body leaves my consciousness. The mind becomes free to think productively. Memories flood me in wonderful waves of reorganization as the body actively swims or passively floats.
The flow of time and my body meet at a peaceful vortex. The weightlessness in body and mind overwhelms me with a sort of joy of atonement with nature, an extreme sense of well being and belonging.
Swimming completely engages me back into that trance like state. The trance which drew me near death when I was empty and returned me to life full and refreshed. Swimming is a wonder, a miracle to the nonscientific mind. One can move in water, be buoyant in a transparent medium that is discontinuous in texture yet consistent.