i know full well what made me decide to search for answers, psychological pain. certain things were happening in my life which i was not comfortable with. no one else knew, and this pain did not concern anybody else. in everybody elses eyes i was doing fine. i was trapped in this pain, thinking if i kept quiet and got through the situation then one day i would look back and it would be ok, the 'me' and my life could be happy again. plenty of times before i had gotten over unhappy situations and the 'me and my life' eventually reasserted itself, and i was content again. the problem was this latest psychological pain was worse, i knew inside i had to do something about it, i was going mad, was it really a problem? i asked myself that often, thinking i was going mad. eventually i did something about the situation, it felt like i'd left it too late though. i thought how can i go on and be happy again with these things associated with my life. at this point i thought 'if i am going to go on, then i want to find answers'. i still had a lot of anger inside and energy to spare, so i started to put it to use and tried to find a purpose to my life. i thought 'i'm never going to be in that kind of situation again', i was going to take on the world and become a success in whatever it was i was meant to do.

this is when i got interested in spirituality and discovered books about living in the now. perfect, i thought, if i can always live in the now then the past and future are only in the mind. i have control, i dont HAVE to think about the past or future. the thoughts may come and go but i dont have to energise them. this was great i had a new perspective on life, i could go on living, and get out of the depression and anger i found myself in. this new perspective has affected so many areas of my life, and destroyed all sorts of ideas i had before. i feel in control (or should i say out of control?). the 'bad' thoughts from the past can no longer affect me. one thing i thought of which has helped too is that every moment you are thinking of the past then you aren't letting anything new in.. only one thing can occur in the moment, so better to let something new occur than a thought of the past.

anyway i write this as i felt fear earlier. i wondered to myself, can i live like this forever? can i always live in the now, and not be affected emotionally by any ideas that are built in to me, saved in my mind sort of thing. will things catch up with me one day, emotions, thoughts of things i once dreamed of? take meeting a partner/marriage, i've always had dreams of meeting somebody, a beautiful girl. now i am talking to a girl and things are going well, but i'm worried. i worry about things being too perfect. i've found this peace from living in the now, avoiding happiness/unhappiness, that i'm scared of the future and can't imagine being 'happy' like i used to. can things ever be perfect? the old 'me' had ideas of perfection, but now the 'me' has just about disappeared then so has perfection? i think i'm probably thinking too much but i just felt this fear, the feeling of 'is this it'?

i now look back on the psychological pain and think maybe it was inevitable? maybe its all part of being human, growing up emotionally. if it wasnt that situation that did it, something else would have happened eventually. 'what doesnt kill me makes me stronger' comes to mind. anyway writing this has helped, i felt i had something to convey and hope somebody can relate to what i've said.