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well today i met a friend i met online through a mutual view/interest. like her very much, we talked and got on well, before she left we kissed. i want this girl, i want to be with her, be in a relationship with her. but why am i looking for the other to complete me? today has been like a natural up and down, no drugs or alcohol. she lives 2 hours from me. she did not refuse the kiss, we arranged another date to meet. for some reason though i feel lonely now i'm back home. i feel like maybe she doesn't feel the same. nothing else seems to matter, i await her next text message. i try not to appear possessive and hide the way i'm really feeling. i try to ask how she feels without appearing desperate. i am expecting too much too soon. i'm now aware of the me. the me doesnt exist anymore. i realise before that i was looking for the other to strengthen the me. now its all changed, i have no self anymore, i ruined past relationships with my old self. now all i want is not to be lonely. although i know i'm not really lonely, i'm here with everybody else. but it still feels lonely, and i still wait for the next text.
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Re: feeling lonely
Sun, July 13, 2008 - 5:09 PMhey, ben, if you could clarify for me, what has changed since the "me" disappeared?
you sound like a pretty normal, horny guy, one who's maybe a bit smitten. yeah? -
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Re: feeling lonely
Mon, July 14, 2008 - 5:42 AMSulevay
Whats changed is myself, I'm not looking to take advantage of anybody else, or use another person for my own gain, to make myself feel better.
I just realise I need somebody to love and I need to be loved myself. I've been single a long time now and this is the first time in ages I've felt emotional, I think the only thing that makes me feel any real passion in life is a female such as the girl I met.
Feeling a bit better today, been keeping busy, although still not sure exactly where I stand, although why should I know at such an early stage! I should just chill... -
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Re: feeling lonely
Mon, July 14, 2008 - 9:31 AMyou sure have a lot of "shoulds" for yourself, ben.
i think those emotions you describe go right along with having a needy self. who is needy if not the self?
mind you, i'm not criticizing, since i for one think it's okay to be human. but the need to keep busy does sort of imply you aren't okay alone, or with the way things as they are at the moment....?
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Re: feeling lonely
Thu, July 17, 2008 - 11:12 PMi think it was the whole change of scenario and change of company thing. for one day i had no worries, a new companion, new town. i felt a feeling of love, and expansion, which i associated with this other person. but as a chapter in 'being one' suggests, where was this feeling before, did it exist, was it dormant? can i access this feeling at any time? was it really the other that caused it? -
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Re: feeling lonely
Fri, July 18, 2008 - 1:58 PMthose are really good questions.
the thing about all feelings is that we define them against other states. i mean, what is euphoria if it isn't an extreme contrast to despair?
i don't exactly expect to be able to invite it all in, good and bad, without a shred of reaction, but figure stretching either way to take in whatever's happening probably lends flexibility to either end of the spectrum.
anyway, we're social creatures, and having someone to share the good stuff with is just what we generally prefer. i don't see anything wrong with that.
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Re: feeling lonely
Thu, August 7, 2008 - 7:11 AMjust thought i'd post an update on the subject of my affections before. well i have not had any kind of suggestion of interest from the other person, only a text message a day at best. i am now totally over how i was feeling, i feel like a different person. i feel very little now for this girl, i've had little love from her to reflect, i feel i want to move on and look elsewhere. as sulevay said in the first reply, i probably just am a horny young man who easily gets smitten. -
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Re: feeling lonely
Thu, August 7, 2008 - 7:23 PMben, stating:
"now its all changed, i have no self anymore, i ruined past relationships with my old self. now all i want is not to be lonely. although i know i'm not really lonely, i'm here with everybody else."
Are there two selves? An "I" to have a 'self'?
Who is it that is 'knowing' but the 'me'?
It sounds like there is a search for a sense of completion in 'other', is this what you want?
If so, then no problem and good luck. :)
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