! Comfortable In Your Own Shell 's topics - tribe.net

my story of surviving non-violent sexual assault

Djoke — Thu, 29 May 2008 06:07:51 GMT

How do you listen to non-violent sexual assault?

I always blissfully thought of myself as a woman who had not experienced sexual assault in her life. Until one afternoon, I started having flashbacks of an event which had been so intensely humiliating that I had managed to completely repress the memory for three years. A man had been sexual with my body without my consent, not through physical force, but by stealth and deception.

Since then I’ve been painfully confronted with how my community applies credibility measures to sexual assault; the extent to which an assault is thought to be provoked and resisted. I partly envy women who were violently assaulted by a stranger jumping out of the bushes. There is no doubt as to who is responsible, and it is easy to give nothing but full support to the victim.

I foolishly trusted a person who later turned out to be untrustworthy, and I paid dearly for it. I was often met with skepticism, judgment and a certain distancing, at a time when I was in desperate need of support by my friends. The assault itself was traumatic, but coming out with my story, was even worse.

Why I’m writing this

I hope to explain the confusion and the shame that often keeps a victim from talking about a non-violent sexual assault or, as in my case, to repress it completely. I hope that after reading this, you may be better able to give support, in case one day a friend of yours tells you a similar story.

I hope to raise awareness about how we assign responsibility for ensuring that sex is consensual. Specifically, I want to show how the non-violent perpetrator uses our moral code “no means no” to justify being sexual with a person’s body without their consent.

Also, I want to help prevent this from happening to other women in my community. The perpetrator walks in my social circles and, if you are reading this, it is likely he walks in yours as well. If after reading this you decide you want to know the name of the perpetrator to protect yourself or your friends, please contact me at djokesteen@hotmail.com

What happened

After partying all night at a Halloween party in San Rafael, I walked to my car, alone. A man, whom I had talked with earlier that night showed up beside me. At the party this man had been very friendly and respectful. I assumed he was walking to his car, but it turned out he walked with me to my car. It was a long walk with friendly chatter, I didn’t notice that he never asked whether I wanted to be escorted to my car. I felt very comfortable with him, and he won my trust.

When we got to my car, he offered to give me a back-massage and said that he could do this while standing up. Feeling fully my post-party exhaustion, I accepted. He gave me a wonderful back massage.

Suddenly, without any indication of what was about to happen, he pushed his finger in my vagina, and I found myself in the midst of a sexual situation. Part of my Halloween costume that year was hotpants and no panties. He entered me through the leg of my hotpants. It was easy for him to push aside the one inch of fabric separating my vagina from the outside world and before I knew it, I was penetrated.

He did not inquire in any way whether I wanted him to move from massaging me, to being sexual with me, let alone penetrate me. No unbuttoning of my belt, no pulling down of a zipper, no placing of his hand on my thighs and no approach to my crotch. I never had a chance to say “Yes,” therefore I also never had a chance to say “No.”

Fear and humiliation

When I all of a sudden felt his finger in my vagina, I felt a huge explosive pang go off in my head. I was dazed and in shock. The explosion in my head was accompanied by a great sense of loss. I had lost autonomy over my most private part; somebody was bulldozering himself into a part of me that I have so many tender emotions about. In my life, I have had many different kinds of feelings about being penetrated, but never utter surprise and horrified shock. The shock and the sense of loss were immediately followed by me going into an instinctual coping mode.

My survival instinct told me that I needed to cut my losses and prevent worse from happening by getting out of the situation as fast and smoothly as possible. This man had just proven to be capable of completely taking me by surprise and taking liberties with my body without any interest for my feelings. I did not want to find out what might come next.

I instinctively decided to placate him and to pretend that “all was well.” I remember with pain back to the moment where I wondered whether enough time had passed to get off of his finger so he wouldn’t realize that this was not what I had wanted. I felt I needed to hide my humiliation and fear and slip out of the situation as fast as possible and avoid any further dealings with him. After I extricated myself from his finger, I forced a smile and excused myself by saying that I was very tired and needed to go home. I apologetically declined his invitation to stay longer.

Confusion

In my car, I felt relieved that I had been able to get out of the situation without further damage. I felt sad because I had lost something very dear to me: control over what happens to my vagina. I felt ashamed, and humiliated about having been such a fool to misjudge this man. Most of all I felt confused. Had I done something wrong? Was there something wrong with me?

Being aware of our code of conduct which says “no means no,” I deduced I must have miserably failed by somehow missing my window of opportunity to say ‘no,” and wondered whether I was totally inept to take care of myself. I remember thinking: I’ll have to chalk this up to experience.” I remember how much I resisted this being part of my experience. I drove home, slept and blocked the memory out of my mind.

Making waves

My memories started to get triggered now and then when I started dating the perpetrator’s best friend. I desperately tried to keep the memories at bay, even going to the extent of defending the perpetrator when other women were put off by his sexual forwardness. Then one afternoon, I started having flashbacks and realized that I had had a horrible experience with this guy who was now a part of my social circle.

My boyfriend now found himself in the dilemma of either diminishing my experience or facing up to the fact that he had been friends with a person who commits sexual transgressions. I questioned whether my boyfriend had enabled his best friend’s predatory tendencies. My boyfriend would at times criticize his friend’s sexual transgressions, but mostly condoned behavior he suspected was painful to women.

The perpetrator is a very handsome and gregarious person, whose male friends admire his ease of conquest with women. His technique to get women to accept a massage from him is to offer what he calls his “Harmonic Body Wave” massage technique, which is a great source of humor among his friends. However, it may not have been so humorous to the women who trustingly agreed to be massaged and found them selves fondled instead, or as in my case, penetrated against their will. The chances are slim that his friends will ever ask him “but, did she indicate ‘yes?’ ”

Malicious intent

You may wonder how much malicious intent was present in the mind of the perpetrator. Does he consciously use stealth and deception to close the window of opportunity for a woman to say “no”? Is his offer to give a massage a ploy to be sexual with her body without her consent? or is he so delusional that he truly believes that when a woman consents to his hands on her body for a massage, she also consents him to be sexual with her?

On another occasion, I overheard (one of the triggers to my memory) him boasting to my boyfriend that he had stuck his finger in a woman’s vagina on the dance floor. My boyfriend asked him what had preceded this event, and he answered with a rather nasty smirk: “he, as long as they don’t say no …”
Confronting the perpetrator

Once I fully remembered and was able to handle the shame of being a sexual assault victim, I confronted the perpetrator and let him know what the experience had been like for me. His response was “I don’t really remember.” He said he felt sorry that I experienced my encounter with him as very negative, but added: “But I thought that everybody who goes to that party was promiscuous.”

I’m happy I finally gave the perpetrator much needed feedback. I know that many women prefer to scurry away from the overly sexually aggressive male instead of bluntly asserting that a transgression took place. Two of my girlfriends who met the perpetrator were irritated by his disregard for their personal space, but both of them chose to avoid a public scene and did not provide him with accurate feedback.
Adding insult to injury/ Female fault vs. male irresponsibility

Fear of being blamed, doubted, treated with insensitivity and even ostracized silences most victims of this kind of crime. I cringed whenever I heard a sentence start with: “Well, I would have…,” or, “you should have…”

Talking about what happened that day meant facing the shame and humiliation and self-blame that I felt. It also meant finding myself on the defensive with people who told me I was responsible for what happened to me that day.

The mythic image of the violent stranger jumping out of the bushes is oddly reassuring and very persistent in spite of contradicting statistics about sexual crimes. The uncomfortable reality is that most perpetrators are known and trusted by the victim and that sexual assault doesn’t necessarily involve the threat of physical violence.

One of the things I noticed is that some kind of uneasiness and defensive thinking kicks in when people are confronted by a sexual assault victim. The conversations focused around determining where I had gone wrong. All my voluntary interactions with the perpetrator before the assault were suspect, had I not asked for it in some way?

For women, I now realize that blaming the victim is a way to feel safer. If only we avoid the risky behavior of the past victim, than we can continue to believe we can prevent this from happening to ourselves. For men, focusing on victim culpability reduces the attention to appropriate male sexual behavior.

I noticed how complacent we are of the seeming inevitability of women always having to be vigilant, because we tacitly accept that women are always preyed upon. Apparently it is easier to tell a woman to restrict her actions and movements in order to reduce risk, than to tell a man to judge his actions by the effect it has on others. Is masculinity at odds with mutuality in sex? If all individuals were held responsible for minimizing risks, then what restrictions could men implement to prevent non-consensual sex?

I was reprimanded for having placed myself in what turned out to be a vulnerable situation and was deftly told what I can and can not do in my “new agey” community in the bay area in the 21st century. I am now very clear on that it is thought to be a woman’s responsibility to limit her freedoms in order to reduce the risk of bumping into an overly sexually aggressive male. It is kind of like being hit by a drunk driver and then being blamed for it.

What is sexual assault?

It became very clear to me that most people define sexual assault as a violation of boundaries, and not as non-consensual sex. I was blamed for not having put up a boundary at some point, somehow. The perpetrator was not blamed for taking liberties with my body without my positive cooperation, or even my awareness.

Negotiating consensual sex is a very complicated dance. I like to call it a dance since most of the communication is often non-verbal. The short phrase “no means no” is an over simplification of the process. However, the short-phrase is useful to help us communicate our morals about the more elaborate negotiation process that precedes consensual sex.

Our current sexual morality puts the responsibility for ensuring consensual sex entirely on the woman, by giving her the power to veto. Our commonly held definition of a sex-crime is that a man violates a woman’s “No.” (Of course men too can be sex-crime victims.) The implication here is that as long as a woman has not put up her verbal defensive block, no transgressions have occurred.

“No means No” facilitates the guy who likes to grope and fondle

Most of us see mutuality as necessary for sex, we want to be wanted. We want a meeting of the bodies and the minds. The sexual predator is content with merely using a woman’s body. I’ve read that most sexual predators resist the idea of seeing themselves as such. They will look for ways to validate their behavior and will often seek public approval for their private transgressions. Often they will give moral validation to their actions by their intent and not by how it affects others.

The predator who uses stealth and deceit (as was the case with the perpetrator) to circumvent the woman’s “no” walks away from his groping and fondling with his self-image of uprightness intact. The stealth and deceit predator uses our rule, “no means no” to sidestep the complicated dance of negotiating consensual sex. He inserts an imaginary “Yes” as long as a woman hasn’t verbally said “No.”

Just as men learn to degrade women from other men, they also learn to respect women from other men. A man who chooses the short-phrase “no means no” to represent his values about sex provides the green light for the stealth and deceit perpetrators to grope and fondle while leaving their self-image intact. A man who chooses “no means no” fails to protect his sisters and daughters from this kind of sexual predator.

A man who says “yes means yes” instills that consent is absolutely required in sex. That man says that to be sexual with a woman’s body without her consent is sexual assault. That man creates a safer world for women instead of telling women how to restrict their actions and movements in order to reduce the risk of getting hurt by male sexuality. Just as it is important for women to be assertive about their sexual boundaries, it is important that men are held accountable for their sexual actions.

Becoming a survivor

What happened that day, and what I thought it said about me, was very disruptive to my self image. At first, I took responsibility for what happened, and I thought that my failure to prevent this from happening to me was a sign of my personal incompetence. Additionally, I believed that my reaction of, pretending to be a willing participant, was further proof of poor coping abilities.

Today, I know I had poor judgment in trusting this man. However, I place the responsibility for what happened with the perpetrator and not with me. When I accepted the back-massage I did not consent to vaginal penetration.

I now realize that pretending to be a willing participant is a valid coping mechanism. What I had just experienced with this man was that he was capable of hurting me by using stealth and deception. By my pretense, I got myself out of that situation as quickly and safely as possible, preventing further losses.
Police

The intense humiliation and confusion and self-blame keeps most women from reporting sex-crimes with the police. For those few women who do report the incident, even fewer find justice. Since most non-violent sex crimes are “he said, she said” scenarios and we live in a country where you are innocent until proven guilty, the law is often unable to protect women.

However, I found some solace in knowing that my report is on file with the police and a paper trail has been created. If other women come forward with similar complaints about the same person, at some point it may add up to enough evidence. Also, the perpetrator, knowing about the complaint that is on file against him, might be inclined to change his behavior.

My experience with the San Rafael Police department was positive. I know that this is not always the case. I highly recommend getting assistance with reporting sex crimes. Rape crisis centers have advocates to accompany the victim to the police and ensure that the complaint is properly processed.

A scene from Until Someone Wakes up (created by Carolyn Levy)

Waiter: Would you like some coffee?

Woman: Yes, please.

Waiter: Just say when. (Starts to pour.)

Woman: There. (He keeps pouring.) That’s fine. (He pours.)
Stop! (She grabs the pot; there the coffee is everywhere.) What are you doing? I said stop.

Waiter: Yes, ma’am

Woman: Well, why didn’t you stop pouring?

Waiter: Oh, I wasn’t sure you meant it.

Woman: Look, of course I meant it! I have coffee all over my lap! You nearly burned me!

Waiter: Forgive me ma’am, but you certainly looked thirsty. I thought you wanted more.

Woman: But-

Waiter: And you must admit, you did let me start to pour.

Woman: Well of course I did. I wanted some coffee.

Waiter: See, there you go. A perfectly honest mistake.

Please feel free to forward this writing to whomever you think might be interested.

Djoke Steen

posted in ! ** Comfortable In Your Own Shell ** - 0 replies

Develop more emotional clarity and insights.

Alexyana — Sat, 08 Mar 2008 12:16:14 GMT

this line in the mission statement interest me.. i could use some more of this type of development..

I am feeling optimistic!

posted in ! ** Comfortable In Your Own Shell ** - 0 replies

Moderator is BACK!

Sue — Sat, 08 Mar 2008 12:12:34 GMT

I'm sorry I haven't been here in a while. I would like to start this network back up again. So for those of you interested, please post within this thread so we can see about getting this place jumping!

THANX!

posted in ! ** Comfortable In Your Own Shell ** - 0 replies

New Members

Tue, 03 Jul 2007 00:33:22 GMT

Well we've got new members :) anything you'd like to talk about?

posted in ! ** Comfortable In Your Own Shell ** - 7 replies

love and relationships

sunita — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 07:56:01 GMT

astrology can help us see if 2 people in love are actually soulmates or is just a passing infatuation. it can also tell whether the lovers will have long relationship or the 2 will seperate after the initial surge of passion dies!!!

posted in ! ** Comfortable In Your Own Shell ** - 1 reply

Quiet Habit & Lifestyle Changes...

Thu, 16 Aug 2007 03:15:06 GMT

There are things in life that slip quietly into daily routines, how a person may do things for themself, (i.e., working out, taking time to do something they truly enjoy) and initially it may be something that they were really happy about.

Maybe they had kids or met a new person in their life, a friend or partner and little by little the things they used to do for ourselves slipped quietly away.

Initially they didn't mind, because they were excited by this new development. Routines began to blend together and it became a part of their life.

It starts innocently enough. They maybe put off working out or going out with the guys/gals because they are including this new situation into our life.

What is interesting to see how it comes as this great shock to many how, they're needs aren't being met anymore.

Initially, it was all about compromise and enjoying whatever it is that was going on around us and they were open to these things. What some may forget to do is to continue to do the things that made them happy as an individual in the first place. Which made them who they were.

Before you know it, a person can neglect themselves so much, they're seething with resentment because they may not be getting the acknowledgement they feel they may deserve for all their sacrifices and shifting their life around to suit this new development.

I respect that sometimes, certain things have to be reprioritized in life and that people may put themselves off a bit in that process. However at the same time, what lies quietly under the surfact are all those things a person used to do, that made them who who they used to be, which aren't there anymore.

Once this realization is made, sometimes it's gone on for so long, the person may lash out at those around them, feel guilty for not appreciating what they do have, while mourning who they used to be.

The thing is, it's not a difficult thing to remedy.

A person can't start off blaming everyone else around them for their choice to do what they felt was the thing to do at the time. Because they chose to do it.

What they can do is begin to recognize that they have neglected their own needs and to start planning out how to include these things in their life.

Mabye it's a night out with a friend, maybe it's joining a gym and focusing on feeling better, maybe it's reading a book.

We can renegotiate our relationships. Taking time out to do the things we'd like to do will make us happier, and I'd imagine that our partner or friends would encourage us to do this.

This can alleviate a couple of things.

a. resentment and guilt;
b. being a martyr;
c. self loathing;
d. feeling unappreciated;

What happens is the individual, due to their choices to do what they thought was the right thing at the time, begins to feel that they are doing all of these things for those around them and when they don't receive the acknowledgement they feel they should be getting, it's everyone else's fault on some or all levels.

This isn't very fair to others. It's not everyone else's job to make a person feel validated and acknowledged "all" the time.

It is up to the individual to recognize that they have contributed to the situation and begin to make changes without falling prey to the blame game.

Take responsibility for the things you let go.
Start off with explaining to whomever that you want to go and do certain things for yourself.

Stop looking for others to fill you up. Find a way to fit in what you need for yourself, and then start doing it.

Sue T.
Moderator

posted in ! ** Comfortable In Your Own Shell ** - 7 replies

Notice to Members. Please Read

Sat, 08 Sep 2007 01:59:35 GMT

I had some confusion as to why I wasn't receiving notifications when people post. I run another, very active network outside of Tribe.net and I thought I'd set it up to notify me. I just reviewed my preferences and realized that there is an entire page dedicated to how we receive mail from here.

So, I have remedied the problem, so when anyone posts here I will see it and get a notification.

My apology for not seeing earlier posts sooner.

Sue T.
Moderator

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Concrete Doesn't Stop the Grass from Growing ...

Thu, 06 Sep 2007 16:42:10 GMT

I have a question. :)

Have you ever seen grass grow? "between concrete"? Well have you? or a weed or a small tree just break it's way through concrete and if left alone the concrete what? Gives away ... doesn't it...

What once started as a small seed ... grows into a mighty oak.

The concrete is permanent. Or so it thinks if it were alive ... yet the seed doesn't know this because it's never discussed this with the concrete. It just decided that it wanted to grow and to be a big tree...

Thus you have your idea. A seedling. Do you see concrete? Or do you see... something that will move as you push through.

It's the same thing in life. If no one ever told you that you could not succeed would you react differently and move forward faster?

What if no one ever said bad things, it didn't exist and comparison to other was only about using what somebody else knows to help grow yourself?

What if emotions were simply our bodies and mind telling us that it's time to shift and change?

To grow ... up and through concrete.

Concrete in life can be looked at as if it were scar tissue that we can get due to events that have happened in life which hurt us. If you look at a scar that you get, say on your knee, the skin in that spot is never the same. Yet you heal and move on, hope for the best.

Now after you got that scar did you say, Oh I can't walk down the stairs anymore? Because I got hurt?

No. You still had to use the stairs but maybe you're a little more cautious this time, more thought to your solutions and what choices to make.

Maybe! You decided to take the elevator!

Either way, you decide to not focus on the scar. It's the same thing with anything you want to do in your life.

While we are not a blade of grass wandering mindlessly through concrete, we do have the opportunity to rethink and reorganize our thoughts and learn how to do things better next time.

So how about you? Are you a seedling whose going to turn into a mighty oak? Or are you concrete ? :) Stiff and unyeilding.

If we think about it, the concrete could be alot of those necessary losses in life. Like toxic relationships, people stuck in one mindset and not coming out or refusing to see things differently.

posted in ! ** Comfortable In Your Own Shell ** - 0 replies

Nice Guys don't have to finish last.

Wed, 18 Jul 2007 20:38:12 GMT

Sue T Women don't have the market on not finding the right person for them. Sometimes men have the same problem. That having been said:

I know that people ...particularly "nice guys" are walking around saying how they finish last. I feel this is a falicy. Why? Well I'll tell you.

As easily as a woman can fall for a bad boy, is just as easily as a man can fall for a woman whose life is a mess and he feels the need to rescue her. This ends up in heartbreak every time. The reason for this is he is dealing with a woman how doesn't know how to accept or return the nice things this man is going to do with her.

Why would any man, put up with or tolerate a woman who doesn't treat "him" as he deserves?

There seems to be an old school train of thought with "some" nice guys, not all that if he does all he can, even if it means by passing his own desires and wants and needs that he'll be loved in return. Yet in the same breath... that's not always true is it.

Its been my experience that nice guys seem to feel the need to protect and take care of a woman and at their own expense. They have nothing to say as to where to go, what they want to do, are willing to sacrific all their time and self to be with this one girl who probably can't appreciate them because she's in it for the taking, not the giving.

So what can a nice guy do?

First of all? You can still be a nice guy.
You can still open doors, treat for dinner, buy flowers, be there on an emotional level... etc.,

What I want you to do ... is to evaluate "just how nice" you are being.
Do you still remember to take care of your own needs, go to the gym, wait and see if this girl is worth your time to start doing things for her?

Wait and see if what you are doing is going to be appreciated?
Wait and see if she herself is a drama queen?
Wait and see if you truly care about this person, if they have their life together and are going to be a healthy addition to yours?

Perhaps a good place to start is with the last few women you went out with. Why did you chose them? What was so amazing about them that you, the nice guy finished last?
What happened?
How did you contribute to it falling apart? i.e., not communicating needs and wants of your own, thereby being like faithful old Yeller...
Why did you chose this person?
What qualities did she have that would be a positive and healthy contribution to YOUR life.

There's nothing wrong whatsoever with being a nice guy.

I think perhaps it's time to start "chosing" women who are going to accept and appreciate you.

Sometimes we want love so badly in our lives, we think that if we do all of these great nice things for another that they'll love us the way we would like them to. This isn't true.

What we really need to ask ourselves is what we are looking for, and then focus on how we're going to get it.

So? What are you looking for Mr. Nice Guy?

AND! One more thing... what about those nice girls you see, sitting there feeling like, there are no nice guys out there. I'm sure they'd be a pretty good candidate for what you're looking for.

Cept, you missed them ... probably like, they may have missed you.

Hmmm....

Sue T.
Moderator

posted in ! ** Comfortable In Your Own Shell ** - 0 replies

Non-Profit -Charity Posts Can Go Here. I'll start.

Wed, 18 Jul 2007 20:29:47 GMT

The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society
Team In Training

The walk is on Sunday, September 16, 2007, the goal minimum is $2500.00

For the Jefferson Hospital Phyladelphia Distance Run Half Marathon.

100% tax deductible and over 75% goes to the Society's mission of providing patient and family support groups, research development for new cancer drugs, and financial support for those enduring the daily battle of a blood cancer diagnosis.

Donations may be made by visiting her website at:

http://www.active.com/donate/tntepa/tntepaJMiccio1 OR

www.teamintraining.org Which you go to find a participant link, and enter her name (Jenny Miccio). Access is difficult at times because of high volume, please try again)

Donations can be made up to a month after the event, but please send your donations by August 24, 2007.

Then she says thank you and signs the letter :)

Okay that's it!

Sue T.
Moderator

posted in ! ** Comfortable In Your Own Shell ** - 0 replies

A Parent's Wish - Oh geez, get tissues.

Sat, 14 Jul 2007 14:24:19 GMT

sniff, sniff... :)

http://parentswish.com/site01/big.html

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From the Book of Love & Sex a QUESTION!

Sat, 07 Jul 2007 01:01:39 GMT

The book of questions Love and Sex.

SO! HA! this book used to get me into so much trouble! It was like playing the game Scruples LOL ...

Okay SO the question is!

If your lover kept a private journal that was easily accessible, under what circumstances might you read it without permission?

For example, what if your relationship were on the rocks and you were confused about your partner's feelings?

End of Question.

whooo hooo!

Okay... when I was younger, I was a HUGE snoop. I'da read it. Permission or not.

Now that I'm older, and we can all hope wiser :) and less nosey ... I'd say, I wouldn't read it because while I'd really want to work things out, I also know that people write things out to sift through how they feel. So while they were writing they were gaining emotional clarity and what's written may not be the end result of how they feel.

So, I wouldn't read it, because it could be misleading.

HA! GOOD ANSWER! LOL! If I do say so myself.

and I do!

BONUS QUESTION: that I just made up.

Once they passed away would you read it then? Why or why not?

My response, I think... I'd have to burn it. For the reasons specified above. Imagine if I read something written in anger on some date, that wasn't "really" meant, and they were clearing their head, and now they are gone.

I'd have to live with that?

I'd say build a big fat fire, and burn that sucker.

Agh...

DEVILS ADVOCATE! What if there might be really nice things about you and in your grief! you'd like to see how they felt?

uh oh...

OKAY someone else's turn to answer it!

posted in ! ** Comfortable In Your Own Shell ** - 0 replies

The Man In The Glass ...

Sat, 07 Jul 2007 00:59:33 GMT

found this in a book today ... thought you'd all enjoy it.

When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to a mirror and look at yourself,
And see what THAT man has to say.

For it isn't your father or mother or wife
Who judgment upon you must pass;
The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the one staring back from the glass.

Some people may think you a straight-shootin shum
and call you a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.

He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest
For he's with you clear up to the end.
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the man in the glass is your friend.

You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years
And get pats on the back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
If you've cheated the man in the glass.

The end.

posted in ! ** Comfortable In Your Own Shell ** - 0 replies

ROFL! Now THIS is funny! LOL

Wed, 04 Jul 2007 14:16:37 GMT

The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Canton, Ohio for $200.00. They bought the cow from Ohio and the cow was wonderful. The cow produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows so they would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Ohio?" The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Ohio?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Ohio."

posted in ! ** Comfortable In Your Own Shell ** - 0 replies

Do Nice Guys finish last?

Tue, 03 Jul 2007 15:05:58 GMT

So far, we have all male members, so the question today would be, do you think that nice guys finish last?

If so, why?

If not, why? :)

Thoughts?

Sue T.
Moderator

posted in ! ** Comfortable In Your Own Shell ** - 0 replies

Monsters Inc, Funny thought about the movie !

Sun, 01 Jul 2007 15:01:24 GMT

When we were kids we had monsters in our closets. As we got older we had skeletons.

I guess it's cuz we killed all the monsters? LOL :)

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Thought of the Moment

Sun, 01 Jul 2007 14:23:00 GMT

You say you want to be loved for who you are. Do you know who that is?

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Sharing Thoughts and Feelings w/others? Is that scarey or what?

Sun, 01 Jul 2007 13:49:54 GMT

Have you ever shared an emotion with some one? Sure we all have right?

But have you shared an emotion with some one when you were feeling down and vulnerable and then when they come back to you with soft suggestions and thoughts to help you through.

You minimize your own emotions and say something like "oh it's not so bad" .. or "this will pass"?

I think we do it all the time. I think people assume that if they are vulnerable to another person that they may be perceived as weak.

Is this true? Is the world so wrapped up on protecting itself that common normal emotions, like pain, abandonment, fears, anxieties or a thought that comes springing up from seemingly no where can be expressed and then quickly hidden away in the deep recesses of our minds?

Why is that?

I have a saying. I've used it often in my own life. It's simple and I'm sure you all may have heard it before ... "Don't mistake kindness for weakness"....

Doesn't that apply to everybody? I mean, when we hurt or we share something with another human being, who will listen and help us to feel better. Isn't that a good thing? I mean, that's when the real growth within ourselves starts.

How?

Because we're being honest about what we feel on the inside. And when we're honest with someone else, it helps us to be more honest with ourselves ... I mean this is what living is all about isn't it?

Having some one to talk to? A friend, a coach :) , or even sometimes a perfect stranger. After all a well chosen perfect stranger can often times offer up the best advise ever. Want to know why?

Because they have YOU standing in front of them, as a clean slate. They know nothing of your mistakes in life, who you were, what you've accomplished or not accomplished for that matter.

All they see is YOU ...

What I'm saying, before I turn in today, is that in those weakest moments ... where we want to turn the world off and just let go of all the bad things we've been through or our fears of what may or may not come, THAT is when we have the greatest opportunity in life to grow ... because that's the time to examine why we feel in such a way.

It may hurt some. True.

But I'll tell you this. It will hurt much more to hide not only from opening up to others, but from yourself as well.

So who do you talk to? You can talk to a trusted friend; you can talk to me! :) I just had to put that in here. You can join a support group depending on the topic of what it is you'd like to share ... People have many outlets in life to share with others how they truly feel.

Initially you may experience some anxiety because you may feel that some one may not listen to you or maybe you wont' be accepted. I know how you feel. Believe me, when I first got into this profession I had and still do have so many good ideas and I was anxious to express them.

How did I get past it? Practice. By degrees I began opening up to expressing things in groups or on teleclasses, during phone calls and through select friends.

And little by little the feeling of anxiety passed and it was replaced with a sense of confidence.

Who not to talk to? Anyone who would minimize knowingly or unknowingly how you feel ... Who are they? You'll know ... because you won't feel heard or understood.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

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Control over your own life ... and yourself !

Sun, 01 Jul 2007 13:43:15 GMT

Ever feel like you are lost and out of control?

I can feel like that sometimes. Especially with so many responsibilities on my plate. Head of household, as a single parent, bills, errands, raising my daughter, doctor visits, laundry, work, job searches, dishes, vacuuming, cleaning the house, washing the car, doing the bills, clothes shopping, planning, living life and external interruptions and being easily distracted doesn't help either.

Then I added wanting to be a coach to the mix. A friend of mine said to me, you'd be a natural. They said that people open up to me, and that I have a way with them. :)

I'd never viewed myself from this perspective before. Because I was so busy surviving life, that I wasn't really living my life.

Planning my life. I was going through day after day, surviving on the raw desire to fill my basic needs, of roof over my head, food, clothing, a job, and meeting my financial obligations.

Wasn't that, enough?

Uh... No. :) Because I was being dragged around from one circumstance and situation to another. While I made simple choices through out life or choices about my life brought on by external circumstances, I'd never truly asked myself...

"Where was I going?"
"What did I want?"
"What did I need?"

More importantly, how was I going to fill needs I didn't realize existed?

"Who was I?" for that matter, "who am I really?"

I can say this now calmly but initially when I began asking myself all of these questions, I was quite confused.

I had all of these life experiences swirling around in my head, situations I'd been in, and circumstances brought on by others in my life that... caused alot of resistance to answering "any" of these questions.

It wasn't so much that I was a stubburn turdling or anything, it was more about learning how to think differently and to focus on myself, and learn how to make better choices, admit to certain things about myself and my nature, evaluate what I needed as a person, and what I really wanted in my life.

My goodness I was overwhelmed!

Truth be told, I can still find myself a bit overwhelmed, but not like before.

I was learning how to think better; I was beginning to be surrounded by others who were supportive and who acknowledged my gifts and who I am as a person; I was learning how to trust myself and my instincts more over time by sharing my thoughts in a group of people, and my flaws too... that's important to address... or rather I should say "perceived" flaws due to lifes experiences.

It was QUITE A LOT to absorb!

To think that I could have control over my life? That I wasn't only surviving and flowing along at the mercy of everyone else around me?

That I had a choice?

WOW ...

Little by little as I answered these questions for myself, acknowledged my "perceived" shortcomings and more importantly my strengths... I became better acquainted with Sue T.

While I was busy surviving life, I learned some pretty valuable lessons about life and about myself.

I have a choice.
I'm a pretty strong individual.
I'm smart :)
I'm funny :)
I'm more capable than I gave myself credit for in the past.
I have choices and don't have to go where ever circumstances or life blows me.
I can stop and think about where I want to go, and who I want to be when I grow up. :)
I can go really fast! in this endeavor, or I can take my time and not keep up with the jones' and go at a speed that suits my personal needs.
I can learn how to trust others.
I can learn how to tell people how I feel, without the fear of rejection or abandonment.

The list is endless actually. These are but a few.

My favorite one of all, is that I don't have to feel alone.

This last one is very important to me, based on the lack of family I have around me, due to circumstances beyond my control.

What I had to acknowledge and remind myself of, was that there "are" plenty of people around me who are supportive vs. holding onto the old belief that people didn't care, that I had to go it alone.

Who likes to go it alone?

I did, but that was because, I was put in the position to do so. But it didn't have to be that way.

What I needed to learn to do, was to see in myself what others saw.

I didn't because it had never occurred to me to look at myself that way. Truth be told, every now and then I need a little reassurance, because we have those old tapes that spin endlessly in our heads.

That's "okay"!

What I'm saying is that we all have a choice as to who we want to be ... and how we want our life to be, even though external sources can throw us under a bus sometimes, we have a choice to grow as an individual or keep playing those old tapes in our heads.

After all, are any of those things true?

Just because someone said it to you, doesn't mean it's true.

Your life can be as you want it to be. It may take some time, you may have to think differently, and take some risks, but... you know, it can be done.

So, I guess what I'm saying is that I'd like all of you to come with me :) ...

Whattaya think?

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Feeling Stupid?

Tue, 26 Jun 2007 15:05:12 GMT

I know this person who, when I ask a question, they're surprised I don't know the answer. Something like, You don't KNOW that? How could you not know that?

I "USED" to kind of defend myself, until I came up with the perfect response.

How would I know that if I've never done it or been exposed to it?

FINALLY! They stopped that. Not my point.

My point is, sometimes we know something that someone else doesn't and they ask (or we ask) and the other person makes a comment like, "how could you not know that" and some would feel kinda ... less than, or feel like maybe somehow they should have known.

Now, how reasonable of a thought process is this anyway?

Just because someone else knows it (thank goodness! lol) doesn't mean that it's common knowledge for everyone else around them who may not have had a use for it, or did that particular thing.

Right?

YES! (No, no... the answer is yes LOL)

Same goes for, "I can't believe you've never seen that!"

Were you supposed to have seen it? Why? Were you in the position to see it or home that night when it was on, or was it something you were interested in ?

How could you have seen it ? You didn't right? So what gives?

Who thought up that silly statement where one person says to another...

"I can't BELIEVE you don't know it, experienced it, have seen it, (add your own) !"

I don't think people do this intentionally. Some people assume because they know it, everyone else does too. Or should know it because they know it and that's not true. While that is "their" passion, it doesn't mean it was yours. And it doesn't mean you're not informed or less than anyone else.

I mean look at the wealth of information on the internet. I can't tell you how many things that I've found that I never knew which other people "do know" and I get to pick their brain (so kewl) and learn something new?

What I'm saying is, do try not to feel less than, ask anyway.

Don't buy into that line of thought where you feel on some level that this is something you should have known, when the reality is, unless you've had a need for whatever it is, or whatever you were exposed to... there's no way you would have known.

You can also paraphrase and say, "No, I don't know that, would you tell me?" And look at them curiously ...

IF it happens to be "one of those" people who ride you about it, then don't ask that person any more ... why put yourself through it. Go look it up or ask someone else.

Right?

Say, YES!

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Thoughts on Loss/Feelings of abandonment

Sun, 24 Jun 2007 13:13:12 GMT

I wrote this a very long time ago and I've cut and pasted it and brought it up to the top again. It's actually from October, 2005. WOW how time flies!

So here ya go.
----------------------------------------------------

I'd like to preface this re-post from my other network with saying that I have learned that we never lose anyone in life that we are not supposed to lose.

Loss come with life lessons and personal growth as well... if viewed from this perspective, perhaps you may find it to be helpful.

Sometimes people come into our lives for a short period of time and that is the length of their stay. Change is inevitable ... otherwise we become stagnent.

Sue T.

========================================================

A conversation with a friend.

If I'm understanding objective reality correctly... here is the definition below, then we can talk about the patterns/old tapes/emotions that can flare up from time to time in an individuals brain which may trigger emotions and past events into the present.

objective >adjective 1 not influenced by personal feelings or opinions.

Now... if we're talking about #1, well... that would be, to me, more about from "others" right? Having more confidence in ones self? and not allowing others perceptions etc., emotions to affect us. If this is the case, then lets look at an "seemingly" irrational fear.

Say an individual has a seemingly irrational fear of loss and abandonment, that springs up from time to time, it's not irrational actually it started a very long time ago, due to many circumstances and instances. Even circumstances beyond the individuals control ... so the person has this element of fear that is "conditioned" into their brain as it pertains to loss or someone leaving them.

Normal everyday occurances may not trigger anything for them. They may know it exists but its just "in there" and it can burn a hole of emotions right in that individuals chest from all of the emotions it brings with it. Which can make it difficult to determine how one feels and why in that moment.

Ok now! With people one may care about, someone they may talk to all the time and suddenly their schedule changes. Initially the person may not realize this in the surface. Yet the feel somehow something is wrong or missing. Finally the individual realizes that there is a hole in their everyday life, because life gets busy and they may not see it initially.

What happens? It triggers an old tape/reaction of loss. One begins to feel, panicky, perhaps have anxiety over it and even withdraw because the fear of finding out and asking what's going in is too great. Why? Because their worst fear is realized. They could be losing someone. Haven't they lost enough?

So what would a person do when this happens?

Addressed it. Ask the person what's going on, tell them you've seen that you haven't heard from them in a while and you're concerned.

This can alleviate those recurring fears, and help the person to relax and recognize that it was due to an old fear resurfacing.

While some things can be deciphered and removed due to a different course of action, even where there is an implied loss... due to expectations and personal thoughts/emotions which "would" inevitably spring up, one can learn to react differently because they have a more clear picture of what is really going on and be able to recognize that they are not losing anything. It's that perceived pattern of abandonment or loss that can be frightening.

While this fear is real, something that is and can be in this individuals mind. To be able to recognize it, know when it hit, discover a way around this feeling/emotion without shutting ones self totally down to avoid the emotion really taking over, is a healthy step towards alleviating those fears. Because you can stop it. You can take away it's power by addressing it and not succumbing to it. Because you deal with it on the outside to alleviate that fear that may build on the inside.

Will it ever go away? Of this, I am unsure, yet you can at least recognize when it comes up so that you can change your thought patterns and address it. It's a subconcious reaction, particularly when one may become afraid of losing someone. Particularly when there is that implied perception of loss to someone you may be close to.

Think about, maybe their schedule changed, maybe they've simply taken a little down time for themselves, etc., and that's ok! They'll be back!

To go the full circle of feeding into this cycle can result in anger, and perhaps "I'm" getting rid of the other person before they do it to me!" Which of course would bode much, much better with the individual because they are doing the leaving and don't have to experience feeling left all over again. They may feel more in control in this way.

Being left or experiencing loss when one has no control or it's something that just happened ... is and can be alot more difficult. It can stiffle the normal reactions and emotions to the point where running in the other direction "seems" alot more easier than to ask questions and deal with it in that manner instead. Thus avoiding feeling that loss again.

Can we change that conditioning? I think so. I think part of this is being able to recognize it and then change how we think about it... experience that pain all the way through, in the sense where we examine what the implied loss will be... it's really hard to be honest with ones self when that pit of emotions is tightening their chest to the point of not being able to think at all.

I was just watching a movie, WinDixie about this dog and it's a really cool story. The dog was afraid, DEATHLY afraid of thunderstorms, when the storm came he would run for his life back and forth across the house. The preacher guy called it a pathological fear. One that would not go "ever" ... because it was embedded in that person brain. In this case the dogs.

So the key thing. Is to identify and remove/address those patterns where one may contribute. And also be more selective ... in those one choses to associate with. Develop healthier relationships with those around you so that fear is alleviated over time and experiencing a normal healthy supportive relationship. Either from a friend or a romantic partner.

Deep food for thought this Sunday morning. Hope you've all found it helpful.

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Blog Trolls Important internet safety link

Fri, 22 Jun 2007 13:56:32 GMT

Someone posted this in another network that I have and I think it's a very important topic to slap up and give it's own thread.

http://www.bloggersblog.com/cgi-bin/bloggersblog.pl?bblog=1210052

oooh look, I'm growing horns just from the thought of it. I hate people like this.

Sue T.

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To have striven, to have made the effort ...

Fri, 22 Jun 2007 13:52:43 GMT

To have striven, to have made the effort ...

"To have striven, to have made the effort, to have been true to certain ideals - this alone is worth the struggle."
— William Penn

So, I thought about what to add to this particular motivational quote this morning and I came up with this. :)

Positive mental attitude

The philosophy of having a positive mental attitude is the belief that one can increase achievement through optimistic thought processes. Having a vision of good natured change in the mind.

==

Changing of one's mind after thinking one particular way all of their lives, seems so daunting. Especially since, we can be prone to backsliding and much like in my post yesterday, you may consider quitting before you succeed.

Because it's not "fast" enough.

Due to mistakes or not having learned how to think things through, what steps to take, or other factors, such as fear of the unknown and the perceived consequences of any one action.

Can you all think of "one" thing that you "decided" that you were going to do?

I mean, REALLY sunk your teeth into and said, "I'M DOING THIS!"

You accomplished it right? Or you're on your way, "regardless" of learning curves and backsliding (perhaps).

You "decide" what you want to do with your life, you decide to start making changes to enhance and/or improve your current situation.

Whether it be your relationship, your job, your environment at home, anything...

Because, the truth is, anything is possible once you "decide" and "put your mind to it".

Now, here is another interesting thing I found this morning. :)

It's called Belief Perseverence.

Belief perseverance is the persistence of one's held beliefs despite evidence to the contrary.

It is a generic term for a variety of beliefs that are unreasonably resistant to change, due in part to the reasoning process carried out by the believer.

(Link for your viewing pleasure: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Belief_perseverance )

One of the reasons that thinking more positively is important is simply because we cannot do, have or become something that we do not believe is possible. Right? :)

So if you have some stubborn, deep seeded belief ... that stops you from acheiving what you want, and you keep hitting a brick wall.

It's in those times you're going to have to stop and ask yourselves.

1. Is this true? How much power am I giving this thought process?
2. How is it stopping me from acheiving what I want?
3. Is this "my" belief? Or is it something that I"ve been preconditioned to "accept" about myself which is "not" true.

Number three we can attribute to things we've heard and seen through out our lives. Either from a parent, or friends at school, watching something on TV... and we say or think "Well THAT will never happen to me, and one thought leads to the other and before you know it, you have a "belief" that say ...

Well, that all marriages are bad. You add a healthy dose of divorce rate to that equation and POOF... you've got Belief perseverence. Right?

Because now you have "PROOF" ! Living, breathing, walking, talking statistics as to why marriage is bad. And you're 100% in the right for this belief that all marriages are bad. Have a couple friends get a divorce and POOF! MORE "proof" that your belief is truth.

BUT the "truth" is up to the believer. Right?

So it goes with anything else that you may believe to be true.

All you have to do (and I say this like it's easy right? LOL) is "DECIDE TO BELIEVE" something else, and then find "PROOF" ! Give it merit, find examples, find enough evidence to shake that negative belief "no matter what anyoen else says) and change it.

You can do this, "with anything".

I'm not saying, it'll be easy with everything you come across, what I am saying is if what you're thinking now, is making you miserable or you feel like a failure... quitting now would not be a good idea.

In "any" area of your life. And the simple reason for this is that, You could be "right there" at the tip of success...

And miss it... We wouldn't want that, now would we? :)

Nope!

So. Really. When everything seems against you and emotions cloud your judgment, accepting that this is the situation at hand, then deciding "what" you can do about it, and then "doing" something about it, is going to benefit you.

Do it's what?

1. Decide.
2. Give it merit, find examples.
3. Do your footwork! Learn how to make it happen!
4. It's not a race. You do it, in your own time.
5. See what others around you have tried, learn from what they are doing right :) (well or what's working right?)

But for goodness sake!

"Do not give up"

And if you need support.

Well :) That's what we're all here for right?

Sue T.

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Top 10 List for Having Control Over Your Life

Fri, 22 Jun 2007 13:49:55 GMT

http://www.freewebs.com/dreamscape/top_ten_tips.html

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Freedom is not procured by full enjoyment...

Fri, 22 Jun 2007 13:44:35 GMT

Freedom is not procured by full enjoyment...

"Freedom is not procured by a full enjoyment of what is desired, but by controlling the desire."
— Epictetus

To me, this means to take the time to truly focus on the results we want in our lives.

When we realize we're miserable, because sometimes we assume that we're unable to control our environments or those in it, (And not in the sense of controlling another person but in making wiser choices and not being a victim of "circumstance") we find ourselves at a point where we can actually "see" that we can make a difference.

The thing is, while we've now discovered that we can play a hand in our own lives without being dragged from circumstance to circumstance, we may grow impatient. It may not happen "fast enough" for us.

We assume that because things don't get better "overnight" that things will "never" get better.

And, this is the farthest thing from the truth.

Restructuring our lives, takes effort. It takes personal insights into what is not working in our lives, and then personal decisions and actions towards what we "do" want in our lives.

And all the while we're doing that, there will be some fear, some self doubt, some wondering if this can truly be done.

If a person were to become impatient, when their efforts yield little to no results "initially" and they quit focusing on the things that they want. They're inevitably going to fail.

Because they gave up too soon.

Some change, like ... say finances, that takes planning. Right? Restructuring.

The same holds true for relationships and restructuring and deciding how you'd like your relationships to be, to "Truly" be.

It doesn't mean you're giving up who you are, but truly "deciding" who you are and what you want. And this is "Okay."

The same holds true for your job, your every day life, and the choices you make in it.

Baby steps as a person builds confidence in their ability to truly have what they want in their life, is not a bad thing. It, to me, is a necessary step in achieving what they "thought" they wanted because "now" they're actually "thinking" about it vs. being swept away with circumstance.

As their confidence builds they learn to communicate what they want, what is not acceptable, and in this, they learn how to accept that they're "worth" it.

There is something that people neglect to remember. That is that it's every human beings right to chose to accept or discard certain things in their lives.

There is twist in this... something that is helpful to know is that when we focus on our needs "as well as" what the needs of those around us are, resolution and positive movement forward (except in abusive relationships, always hvae to put this here) WILL happen.

Sometimes we need to learn to "listen first" (this isn't the easiest thing on earth when we "want" something) because it's much more difficult to work with someone who's defensive and may feel put off by "our" changes for the better.

(i.e., being left behind, what will it mean in their life when we make this change? I liked things the way they were, feeling as though they are left to their own devices in some cases because perhaps you've decided to stop "doing" for everyone else, and began doing for yourself ... can you come up with some?)

Realizing that to have patience with this newfound thought process that you don't have to just go situation to situation with no control as to the outcome, is an interesting yet frightening idea. Because you'll have to assert yourself.

Be patient with your process of realizing that you can have what you want, and change your life. You have to "practice" changing how you think, practice remembering that YOU have a say vs. assuming that going along with what everyone else is doing is going to yield you better results.

Take your time, be specific in what you want ... and begin doing it. If your desires out weight your initial ability to "know" what to do, you may give up too soon.

And we don't want you to do that. :)

Keep doing it, keep at it, and remember to have patience with yourself.

Sue T

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The Movie "Awakening" Lessons to be Learned

Fri, 22 Jun 2007 13:28:39 GMT

This movie here, with Robin Williams and Robert DeNiro (handsome fella :)) I fell over a couple weeks ago, and I was so moved (to tears actually) by this movie that, I had to order a copy of it. Which is now in my collection.

It was about people who suffered dementia of unknown origin. What it means is that they did not move, did not function on their own. They simply sat, in this mental institution (which back in the 20's they did with people, the movies setting was in 1950's) with their arm raised, staring off into no where.

Robin Williams, i.e., Dr. Sayer, realized that they were responsive to things and began working towards finding a cure for this. Now... He was convinced that they were alive inside this shell of a human being. He spoke to a man who had researched it some 30 years ago, and that fella said that to think they had all their faculties "inside their mind" was unthinkable. Because that would mean they would be trapped inside their own body, not able to do anything.

I'm getting to my point here, but I think all this is necessary to paint a very clear picture of what I'm saying.

So, Dr. Sayer finds this miracle drug, which he is permitted by one of the patients mom's, Robert Deniro's mom in the movie. Robert DeNiro's character being called "Leonard".

They administered this new drug and over time and dosage, Leonard came out of his, well... trance/dementia. Dr. Sayer found him in this big day room in the middle of the night, trying to write his name with crayons.

DeNiro did an amazing job of acting in this movie, he gave Williams this ... beautiful childlike smile, it lite up his entire face.

Further on in the movie, DeNiro sat with the board of this hospital requesting that he be allowed to go out for a walk.

He told them how all he wants to do is to be able to go out, and do what they all took for granted. To be able to get up, and go outside. To be able to go for a walk, etc., he said more though, I can't remember)

What stuck in my brain was how "important" this message, to me, and to everyone else it should be.

Which is, "the things we do, every day, that we take for granted.

Like, getting out of bed, driving a car, taking a shower, going to the bathroom alone and unassisted, going for a walk, reading a book, (you get the picture, right?)

Then, the medication begins to not work anymore. The ticks return, like parkinson's disease, and he begins not to be able to walk, it's all this huge effort to remain outside of his own body and not go back into his head. They tried different doses of this medication but ... slowly, he went back into his state of dementia. Sitting in the chair, staring blindly off into no where. Or somewhere if you want to consider the "unthinkable" of sitting there and having your mind be active, but not control over your body.

(my god)

As the medication wore off, DeNiro (who did an unbelievably amazing job in this role, I mean I was floored by this movie) showed himself beginning to go backwards. The ticks, the inability to walk normally, he had troubles walking, talking, standing anymore... and all the while he fought it.

Until... he slipped back into his prior state.

Actually, his mother, couldn't take watching him fight, so she ordered the different doses and experimentation to stop. And he slipped quietly away.

I have to tell you guys, as I watched this movie and his struggles "just to be allowed" to go for a walk, and then his struggles to remain "in this world" (so to speak) I couldn't help but get choked up, and tears just came out involuntarily, running down my face ... BIG one's too!

I had no control over that reaction. Well, why should I really, the movie touched me so deeply, why restrain myself from the message that I got from it?

Which was "again" how much of our lives do we truly take for granted. Walking, talking, the ability to read, to be with other people, to play, to cry, to laugh, to sing, to get out of bed in the morning, to drive a car ... (you can add some, I think you get it.)

(Now you all know I was sick last week... and how I realized how grateful I really am, regardless of how miserable I was.)

And here's this fella ... who awakens from 30 years of being in this nonresponsive state.

There he is. He wants to LIVE! and he wants to DO THINGS!

But, because of where he resides, in this mental institution they do not "allow" him to do it.

You, all here, are not "disallowed" to do "anything".

We often times take so many things in life for granted...

If you're of the mind, watch this movie.

Maybe, it will give you a new respect for all the things you "can" do, that you are "able" to do. And maybe for the first time in your life.

Food for thought this morning.

Sue T.

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Music REALLY CAN sooth the savage beast !

Thu, 21 Jun 2007 12:55:49 GMT

All my life, music has been a part of pretty much everything I've ever done.

It kept me company when I was younger and my dad was at work, it helped me relieve stress and anger when I danced and danced and danced, it gave me something to shout about when I was heart broken, it soothes me when I'm hyper, it motivates my mind ...

I've been in music/choir since ... my goodness, 1st grade if I remember correctly.

So, I've always had it on. Even at jobs, I used to ask if I could play a radio or CD at my desk to keep my mind from getting bored. I've always found it interesting how we can slip quietly away for a while in music.

Right now, I'm listening to Mr. Mister, 80's music and the song is Kyrie... it is SO beautiful :) I have to get better head phones ... BUT

I always had music on and I'm trying to get back into the habit because it just makes me FEEL good. After I had my daughter I fell away from always having it on because I was listening for her all the time. You know, when she was a baby, when she was sleeping, as she got older if she called me or whatever.

It's one of those things that you slip into silently because you have certain things that you must pay attention to or do in life. It's a quiet form of conditioning due to responsibility.

Last night, I was listening and listening and today, I feel amazing. I must say...

It tickles your brain ... it tickles my brain anyway.

I would like, you guys/gals to do a little independent survey.

I want you to pay attention to the music you hear and listen to and see how you feel.

Make a CD with the things you enjoy the most, put it on when you're working ... I don't care if it's Christmas music that softens or relaxes you. DO IT ...

Then come back and tell me how you feel.

Oh and by the way, if you think this is silly ...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Music_therapy

Go on now... do it. Come ooooon...

Thoughts?

posted in ! ** Comfortable In Your Own Shell ** - 0 replies

Nail In The Fence ...

Thu, 21 Jun 2007 12:34:39 GMT

There once was a little boy who had a bad

temper. His Father gave him a bag of nails

and told him that every time he lost his

temper, he must hammer a nail into the back

of the fence. The first day the boy had

driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next

few weeks, as he learned to control his

anger, the number of nails hammered daily

gradually dwindled down. He discovered

it was easier to hold his temper than to

drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came when the boy didn't

lose his temper at all. He told his father

about it and the father suggested that the

boy now pull out one nail for each day that

he was able to hold his temper.

The days passed and the young boy was finally

able to tell his father that all the nails

were gone. The father took his son by the

hand and led him to the fence He said, "You

have done well, my son, but look at the

holes in the fence. The fence will never be

the same. When you say things in anger,

they leave a scar just like this one. You

can put a knife in a man and draw it out.

It won't matter how many times you say I'm

sorry, the wound is still there. " A verbal

wound is as bad as a physical one.

Friends are very rare jewels, indeed. They

make you smile and encourage you to succeed.

They lend an ear, they share words of praise

and they always want to open their hearts to us."

posted in ! ** Comfortable In Your Own Shell ** - 0 replies

Being Assertive

Tue, 19 Jun 2007 17:11:32 GMT

http://www.coping.org/relations/assert.htm

Not here to recreate the wheel folks when I read something of great value I share it :)

I've had this a while... also on this site, up on the left is a link about "approval" as well... which is what I was mentioning the other post about Approval vs. Support.

Sue T.
Moderator

posted in ! ** Comfortable In Your Own Shell ** - 0 replies

Approval vs. support

Tue, 19 Jun 2007 17:08:15 GMT

Sometimes we find that we want to share something but those around us invalidate those thoughts.

It's not intentional. It's due to their beliefs, which may be true or not true. They're also subject to change. As they grow as an individual.

You don't need someone else's approval to do something different.

What you do need is "support" and you need to define what kind of support you need.

For some it's a group where you feel supported and understood.

The worst times I've ever gotten stuck was when I felt misunderstood in what I was saying. Because now, I was in the position to have to explain how I felt to another person so I could feel heard.

Anyone here ever experience that?

So, what can happen is you're still focusing on the problem by explaining how you feel, whether it makes sense to the other person or not and you get stuck.

Because you're not feeling understood.

Most people base their advise on their own personal life experience, their beliefs, and other external input.

The most important thing, for you as an individual, to learn is that not everyone is going to empathize with what you're saying, you may not always be understood and/or validated, and that if it bothers you "enough" to figure out what it is you want to do about the situation.

Sometimes, having external input widens our choices. Because there are alot of times when we need to hear ourselves talk to come around full circle to clarity "for ourselves".

And, sometimes we need help and suggestions to broaden our own perspectives.

However, when all of this external advise or suggestions, leaves you feeling "less than" or more confused... you can take all that you've heard, journal about it, do a blog, and you'll start to see what "you" personally need.

Sometimes it's going to be a little bit of everything you've heard.

That's fine :)

They say when you have a problem to write down 5 possible (or three) solutions to it so that you realize that you have other options.

This is the most important thing to keep in mind. Sometimes others are "not" going to understand where you're coming from because they are including themselves in the mix. It's not "intentional" but it happens.

So focusing on what you really want, "regardless" of approval or not from others, and getting the support, whether someone else agrees with you or not, is important.

If you're finding yourself repeating certain patterns that are negative in your life, you'll have to reconsider what you're doing.

That's Okay... you can't change anything you don't identify.

If you can't see it, you can't change it.

And, when we're in the middle of it, it "is" very difficult to see our contribution sometimes.

Ever talk to a friend and you can see what "their" issues are so clearly? That's because you're not emotionally involved and you have a clear picture because you've been listening and seeing this pattern of behavior that isn't suiting this other person.

It "is" so much easier to do that. To see what someone else is doing vs. seeing what we're doing.

So, the idea of keeping a journal is a good one. My suggestion is always going to be, to go back and read what you've written from time to time, to actually "see" what patterns are there "for yourself" and then you can see what your doing from a different mental state later on.

After your calm really. And you've gotten it all down, so you can think clearly is really important.

Focusing one what you're now going to do about it, is equally as important.

What do you want?

How have you contributed to the situation?

What changes can I make to make things better for myself?

Having an online group, like this one or others is a good idea because the people in those types of groups have no personal agenda as it relates to your growth.

They have no other emotional/personal investment in what you need to do for yourself.

It will still be based on their life experiences, but it does remove some of the personal gain issues that talking to some one closer to us can add to the mix which can be a big detterent.

Because they have something to gain or lose in this process... your change affects them directly, and this can bias some of the responses you get.

You're goal, is to find out and realize what kind of support you need "without" seeking another persons approval.

You're a grown up now ... you don't need another's "approval" to make changes in your life.

What you do need is to be clear on what it is you do want, and then ask for the support you need. Some self discipline and will power is always helpful as well.

Food for thought today.

posted in ! ** Comfortable In Your Own Shell ** - 0 replies

Happily Ever After

Tue, 19 Jun 2007 15:08:58 GMT

Once upon a time

~~~~~~~~

in a land far away,

~~~~~~~~

a beautiful, independent,

self-assured princess

~~~~~~~~

happened upon a frog as she sat
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.

~~~~~~~~

The frog hopped into the princess' lap
and said: " Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

~~~~~~~~

One kiss from you, however,

and I will turn back

into the dapper, young prince that I am

~~~~~~~~

and then, my sweet, we can marry

~~~~~~~~

and set up housekeeping in your castle

~~~~~~~~

with my mother,

~~~~~~~~

where you can prepare my meals,

~~~~~~~~

clean my clothes, bear my children,

~~~~~~~~

and forever feel

grateful and happy doing so. "
~~~~~~~~

That night,

~~~~~~~~

as the princess dined sumptuously
~~~~~~~~

on lightly sauteed frog legs

~~~~~~~~

seasoned in a white wine

~~~~~~~

and onion cream sauce,

~~~~~~~~

she chuckled and thought to herself:
~~~~~~~~

I don't fu**in' think so.

posted in ! ** Comfortable In Your Own Shell ** - 0 replies

DRUG WARNING TO PARENTS FOR YOUR CHILDREN !!

Sun, 17 Jun 2007 14:59:38 GMT

http://www.snopes.com/horrors/drugs/candymeth.asp

Looks like pop rocks, read the above link. I don't know what is wrong with people.

posted in ! ** Comfortable In Your Own Shell ** - 0 replies

1957 Car Buried w/Time Capsule

Sun, 17 Jun 2007 14:21:37 GMT

This is SO cool!

http://news.aol.com/topnews/articles/_a/classic-1957-car-unearthed-in-oklahoma/20070615154009990001

posted in ! ** Comfortable In Your Own Shell ** - 0 replies

Out with the old and in with the new.

Sun, 17 Jun 2007 13:44:05 GMT

Out with the old and in with the new.

I had a friend who called me the other day, and I love this fella. He moved out of state and called me after about 7 years to say hello. Well... okay then. That's fine.

He's a supportive person and he's an overall good egg.

I cut the call short... I had to go but, as I was talking to him... I realized, I felt like I had outgrown the friendship for what it was at that time.

And, truthfully, I have. I didn't feel like it was a healthy relationship any more.

We think we have direction at a certain point and time in life, and that we're making these choices and we're being responsible and an adult. But there's much more to being an individual and a responsible adult, then going with the flow of things.

We have to take the bull by the horns and MAKE our choices in life. And that's an interesting shift, I'd say, for anyone...

I mean, we make choices every day but often times these choices are made only due to a particular circumstance that arises. Not because we thought things out, made a plan and started focusing on what we really wanted in our life.

Ya feeling me there folks?

See, it doesn't mean, that any one person is any better than the other when we start to grow as an individual. Or when we feel we've outgrown certain people in some areas.

Heck, I'd like to drag everyone with me! But, as you know, they're not budging until they get the idea on their own.

I think some important things to do, when you get into examining your life is,

1. write it all out on paper;

2. start developing other interests and making new friends "prior" to all these changes. Some of your older friends are going to stay right where they are. Some of the more negative influences that you may find you recognize now, for what they are, are also going to remain negative, and you'll have to give them the boot. So the idea of beginning to make these new friends and aquaintences is a very good one. You may feel pretty lonely otherwise.

3. As an addition to number 2. You'll need support. And a lot of it to help to keep you on track with your new mindset and self doubt. Damned if self doubt and those old messages and tapes aren't going to keep rearing their ugly little heads until you've completely reconditioned your way of thinking, reacting, and making your choices.

4. After you've written it all out on paper, you'll want to read through it and make yourself a listing of all the things that jump out at you. Make that a goal.

Break those down into manageable parts.

All this can take some time but you can do it...

We "definitely" need someone to believe in us and kick us right where ... well :) Right in the ass when we need it. Even when we just do not want to hear about it.

Lord knows I have some bumps and bruises on my head LOL from people whacking me over the head with my "dugh" moments.

5. Realize that you are contributing in some fashion or manner to the current situation because you always have a choice. It may simply have not occurred to you. That's all... so you have to start including "you" in your own life. It's not just a ride you get to go on. You've got your own ticket!

Git to it!

Share here! Do sumpin...

Sue T.
Moderator

posted in ! ** Comfortable In Your Own Shell ** - 0 replies

Site On Work Place Bullying & New View Point on Victims.

Sun, 17 Jun 2007 13:39:32 GMT

This site is "excellent" as it pertains to work place bullying. It's right on target. Having been subjected to this type of nonsense here and there, I can say, it is VERY helpful.

Anyone who feels bullied either in the work place or at home, can benefit "greatly" by reading up on all of the dynamics of bullying.

Bullying can also lead to Post Traumatic Stress as well.

Here's the link within this site with regard to same.

Symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD symptoms, survivor guilt and trauma caused by bullying, harassment, abuse and abusive life experiences

http://www.bullyonline.org/stress/ptsd.htm

This here below is interesting as to their interpretation of what a victim is. I've read alot of things wherein they portray a victim as this weak, defenseless person, and this is an interesting shift as to "why" a bully will chose a person to push around.

It's a WONDERFUL flip as to the behavior and reasons why one person would seek control over another.

This entire site is extensive but I think anyone who reads it will find it very informative.

http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/myths.htm

Victims are weak and inadequate
It is always the bully who is weak and inadequate. Bullies resort to labelling others as "weak" and "unstable" in order to appear "normal" in comparison. Normal people don't need to bully; only weak people need to bully to hide their weakness and inadequacy. Therefore anyone who is exhibiting bullying behaviours is revealing and admitting to being weak and inadequate.

Victims are weak
Targets of bullying have no interest in power or exercising power. They go to work to work and they are not interested in office politics or conflict. Targets of bullying have high moral values, a well-developed integrity, a vulnerability (eg need to pay the mortgage), a strong sense of fair play and reasonableness, a low propensity to violence, a reluctance to pursue grievance, disciplinary or legal action, a strong forgiving streak and a mature understanding of the need to resolve conflict with dialogue. Weak people disingenuously confuse these hallmarks of character with weakness. Targets of bullying will withstand daily abuse for months, often years, but the first time a bully gets a taste of their own medicine they immediately run whinning to authority demanding protection. That's weakness.

Victims are loners
Targets of bullying are independent, self-reliant, self-motivated, have no need to form gangs or join cliques, have no need to impress, and have no interest in office politics.

Victims are not team players
Targets of bullying are not corporate clones and drones. They are independent, self-reliant, self-motivated, imaginative, innovative, and full of ideas. Bullies operate a divide and rule regime and work hard to isolate, exclude and disempower their target who they then falsely accuse of "not being a team player".

Victims are isolated
This is a correct observation; bullies isolate their targets in order to disempower them. It's a tactic of control used by all abusers.

Victims are sensitive / oversensitive
Sensitivity comprises a constellation of values to be cherished and nurtured, including empathy, respect, tolerance, dignity, honour, consideration and gentility. Anyone who is not sensitive is insensitive. Targets have an instinctive ability to detect malicious intent which is often labelled by those who lack this ability as "being oversensitive". Bullies are callously insensitive and indifferent to the needs of others and when called upon to share or address the needs and concerns of others respond with impatience, irritability and aggression.

Victims are too weak to stand up for themselves
Targets of bullying are high-performing employees who go to work to work. They do not go to work with the intention of indulging in conflict. Bullies select individuals who prefer to use dialogue to resolve conflict, who have a low propensity to violence, and who will go to great lengths to avoid conflict - in other words, someone who will constantly try to use negotiation rather than resorting to grievance and legal action. When a bully is held accountable, these qualities are disingenuously described by weak people as weakness.

Why can't victims deal with bullying? They're grown-ups, aren't they?
From working on and liaising with over 10,000 cases of workplace bullying I am constantly amazed at the resourcefulness, innovativeness, flexibility, determination and stamina shown by targets of abuse. The turning point in each case comes when the target finally realises they're not dealing with a normal human being like themselves, but with a dysfunctional, disordered individual who exploits a system which favours perpetrators who excel in deceiving HR and management.

Victims are unstable and unhealthy
It is bullies who are unstable and unhealthy. People who observe targets as unstable are recognising the destabilising effect of psychiatric injury although the observers have not understood psychiatric injury or the circumstances which result in psychiatric injury. Some researchers have observed destabilisation, hypervigilance etc and made the incorrect assumption that these are personality traits which existed prior to the bullying. False assumptions like this are bad science, disrespectful, insensitive and offensive. It's like seeing someone with a broken leg and making the assumption they must have been born with weak bones.

Victims can't defend themselves
Prolonged negative stress results in trauma which inhibits articulation. People who blame targets of bullying for not being able to express themselves in an articulate manner are revealing their lack of empathy and their lack of knowledge of trauma and its effects. Many bullies are serial bullies with disordered personalities (including sub-clinical psychopaths) who excel at manipulation, deception, compulsive lying and a host of antisocial behaviours. It is almost impossible to defend yourself against a determined psychopath - who comprise at least 1% of the population.

=========================================

As individuals it is "very" important to pay attention to how we are treated by another. Not all people are interested in "fair play" and being reasonable and seeking mutuality.

These types of situations are usually covert, and chip away at a persons self esteem by degrees.

Often times, the individual will stay in a situation because they lack the esteem or belief in themselves to leave "because" their capabilities have been picked at, put down and/or badgered to death by this inadequate confusing person who seeks nothing even remotely close to equality and mutuality. Such as teamwork and lifting one another up in a work environment OR for that matter in a home environment.

This site can ALSO be used with regard to other interpersonal relationships as well, i.e., home, friendships, school, etc.,

If it doesn't "feel" right and you just can't put your finger on "why" you feel so badly all the time?

You may be dealing with a bully who is coverly undermining all of your abilities ...

Good food for thought and not something that should be taken lightly.

Giving people the benefit of the doubt is a wonderful thing, having compassion for a jerk is a wonderful thing. We can all see the child of a person and say that they've been hurt and make a zillion excuses for "bad behavior" but the bottom line in this particular type of scenario is that none of this should be tolerated and it's very easy to get sucked into a situation such as this... and remain there for a period of time without even seeing it coming.

I'll tell you though, your body will feel it and it will creep into your system. Most people who are strong willed will say they can take it, it's not a big deal etc.,

BUT it "IS" a big deal and shouldn't be ignored.

Totally serious folks.

Suffices to say, if you wouldn't treat someone in this manner, there's your first boundary with an individual who slides in there and makes you feel like dirt.

Sue T.
Moderator

posted in ! ** Comfortable In Your Own Shell ** - 0 replies

PEOPLE COME INTO YOUR LIFE FOR A REASON

Sun, 17 Jun 2007 13:37:53 GMT

Since I'm not a huge believer in coincidence :) I thought you guys'd like this :)

Sue T.

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

posted in ! ** Comfortable In Your Own Shell ** - 0 replies

! ** Comfortable In Your Own Shell **'s topics - tribe.net

my story of surviving non-violent sexual assault

Develop more emotional clarity and insights.

Moderator is BACK!

New Members

love and relationships

Quiet Habit & Lifestyle Changes...

Notice to Members. Please Read

Concrete Doesn't Stop the Grass from Growing ...

Nice Guys don't have to finish last.

Non-Profit -Charity Posts Can Go Here. I'll start.

A Parent's Wish - Oh geez, get tissues.

From the Book of Love & Sex a QUESTION!

The Man In The Glass ...

ROFL! Now THIS is funny! LOL

Do Nice Guys finish last?

Monsters Inc, Funny thought about the movie !

Thought of the Moment

Sharing Thoughts and Feelings w/others? Is that scarey or what?

Control over your own life ... and yourself !

Feeling Stupid?

Thoughts on Loss/Feelings of abandonment

Blog Trolls Important internet safety link

To have striven, to have made the effort ...

Top 10 List for Having Control Over Your Life

Freedom is not procured by full enjoyment...

The Movie "Awakening" Lessons to be Learned

Music REALLY CAN sooth the savage beast !

Nail In The Fence ...

Being Assertive

Approval vs. support

Happily Ever After

DRUG WARNING TO PARENTS FOR YOUR CHILDREN !!

1957 Car Buried w/Time Capsule

Out with the old and in with the new.

Site On Work Place Bullying & New View Point on Victims.

PEOPLE COME INTO YOUR LIFE FOR A REASON

! Comfortable In Your Own Shell 's topics - tribe.net