Hi Donna,

I tried a horary astrology chart, which is predictive astrology, like tarot, and the chart doesn't talk much about your current relationship or your career. The chart has a Void of Course (VOC) Moon in Cancer, so it is focused on the ex who killed himself (the past only), and seems to show your need to know, "why?" You are stuck in the past and need to let go. It seems that you may be having recurring nightmares about this whole thing, and I wonder if his death was rather sudden and violent (Mars, planet of violence, separating in square from his planet of Saturn), or you picture it that way in your dreams/head. It plagues you off and on (Uranus retrograde in the house of dreams aspecting your sig of the Moon), but you've learned to still function OK (you are the Moon in its dignity and angular, so a strong planet, and your self-esteem shouldn't be that bad). The Moon conjunct the ascendant like that shows a lot of emotional investment in a question - meaning you aren't thinking with your head, you're thinking with your emotions, and your emotions reached a peak that made you feel that you had to ask people who are in touch with emotion on a higher level for more understanding. Saturn (him) is in Virgo, so under the control of Mercury (Mercury caused his death), which rules the house of the mind/communications and the house of sorrows in this chart. The descendant, his house cusp sign, is Capricorn, which is also most associated with depression in astrology. He was mentally ill and unhappy. Although he loved you more than you did him (he's in your triplicity, while you do not have good reception to him), that is not the entire picture and you shouldn't blame yourself. You couldn't have saved him, he needed help from a professional. Him being in the house of communications could mean that his death involved a moving vehicle, or that perhaps he tried to communicate with you before he died and you blame yourself, or not trying harder/listening when he reached out to you (there is a separating aspect between the Moon, you, and Saturn, him, indicating an attempt at past communication). It is more likely that you didn't get to communicate before he passed though, because the Moon doesn't aspect Saturn until after Mercury aspects him. Maybe all you got was a letter or a message in the end. I think his death was also likely a secret or alone, as Mars (what brought his death) is in the house of secrets/sorrows. The secretiveness of the whole thing is probably what bothers you most, and makes you question your current relationships more. Him being Saturn also says he was a very serious, melancholy person, and probably an old soul. Maybe he was just weary of life and how old he felt on the inside/outside.

If he is trying to communicate from the other side, which seems possible with the aspects between your significators, he holds no ill feelings and you should try to take peace in that. His planet is in your triplicity and there is an applying sextile between Venus and him, which is a feeling of love, not resentment. I have had my share of spirits, and the ones who love us forgive and don’t want us to suffer. I also know that people who kill themselves can be very selfish in the emotional wounds they leave behind. They don't mean to make others suffer, they just want a final, easy fix to a temporary problem. Death is easy, it's the living part that's difficult.

The Part of Fortune is in his house of death and says, "Totally Concentrated Upon Inner Spiritual Attainment, A Man Is Sitting In A State Of Complete Neglect Of Bodily Appearance And Cleanliness." I think this is a warning not to wallow in past regrets/pains, and move on, lest you neglect and punish yourself needlessly.

I pulled out a few cards for you and what I read was more or less in line with what Teresa's saying.

I pulled out the Hermit card, and then six of cups and then six of swords.

His death has nothing to do with you whatsoever, it is something that he contemplated on his own. He remembers you with much fondness, thus the six of cups and he wants to know that he's in a better place and would want you to move on. I sense a lot of water. Is he a water sign by any chance?