On the Zen Buddhist Scoundrel Forum someone asked about explaining death to children. I posted this there and then realized it might be on-topic to post it here as well.
This is from a blog entry of mine from last December. The previous July, my seven year old daughter had been in Japan with her mother when her aunt died suddenly, so she had to go to the funeral (a Pure Land Buddhist funeral BTW) and consequently was very much in need of an explanation. Our household is Nichiren Buddhist, so I gave her an explanation more or less from that perspective. Here is the entry from Dec 14, 2004:
Just the other day I found myself trying to explain what happens to
people and animals when they die to my seven year old daughter.
Julie's aunt in Japan died while she was there visiting last summer
and it was a very tragic time and Julie was right there for the
funeral and cremation and everything. Everyone told her that her
aunt went to heaven and that we were all chanting for her sake. This
past Sunday she asked if pets go to heaven. This is probably because
Yumi and I were talking about my parents concern for their very old
and sickly orange tabby Tiger. So I decided it was time to explain
the Buddhist view as simply as I could. Here's how it worked out:
I showed her a picture from my copy of the Bhagavad Gita As It Is
(yes, the Hare Krishna translation with all the hokey but useful
pictures in it) of the spectrum of life that goes from skeleton to
fetus to baby to the person in various stages of growth, maturity,
decline, old age, and then death and on to fetus form again. This is
a depiction of reincarnation but works to illustrate the Buddhist
concept of rebirth as well if one explains that it is karma and not
a "self" that is being transferred. But she is too young for such
subtle distinctions now anyway. So, I showed her this picture and
told her this is where we come from - we are wrapped up and very
tiny and stay in our mother's womb (I then referred to the picture
of the pregnant woman on the outer ring of the Tibetan Wheel of
Becoming that I used in Dharma Flower that depicts the twelvefold
chain of dependent originiation). Before being a fetus a then a
baby, we were someone different who had died (referring to the
skeleton in the Bhagavad Gita picture). After we are born (referring
to the picture of the woman giving birth on the outer ring of the
Wheel of Becoming) we begin to grow up and get older (referring back
to the Bhagavad Gita picture). I then asked her how old she was
compared to the stages of maturity so she pointed to a young child.
I then asked her how old I was and she pointed to the full grown man
in the center, the I asked her how old her Ojisan (her grandfather
in Japan who is in his eighties and is now bedridden after his
stroke a couple of years ago) is and she pointed to the very old man
just before the stage of dying. Then I pointed out that after death
a new life in the form of a new baby will appear. At this point I
referred to the outer ring of the Wheel again where a funeral
follows the birth and then the whole new cycle of life begins anew.
She seemed to grasp this.
Then I turned her attention to the six worlds and explained that
they showed the human world, the animals, the hungry ghosts, the
fighting demons, the heavens, and the hells. I told her that one can
be born in any of these according to the Buddha and briefly
explained that people who are nice and that we chant for have a good
chance of going to heaven, but that no one stays in any of them
forever but must die and be born again (referring back to the stages
of birth and death in the picture from the Gita). People may become
people again. People who are very mean and full of hatred and hurt
others will go to hell. People who just want to fight all the time
will become fighting demons. People who are too greedy will become
hungry ghosts, and people who don't think about what they are doing
will become animals. She seemed to understand this and in fact
pretended to be an official in heaven barring the fighting demons
from coming in by crossing her arms and saying, "You can't come in
if you keep fighting!" (Julie loves to pretend to be the teacher or
authority figure who gets to tell others what to do - something we
need to work on because I don't want her to grow up being bossy and
unable to mind her own business.)
Then I showed her the inner ring that shows people falling down or
climbing up and inside that ring in the very center the rooster, the
snake and the pig. I told her that the people going up are the ones
who do good things for others and the people falling are the ones
who are selfish and do bad things. They fall or rise within these
six worlds. I then told her the three animals are acting in ways
that we should avoid so we don't fall down. The rooster does nothing
but eat all the time pecking at the ground and so is very greedy.
The snake likes to bite people because it is angry. The pig wallows
in the mud and is lazy and foolish. So we should not be like these
animals if we want to move up into the human or heavenly world. She
seemed to understand that too.
I then explained why there were bodhisattvas in each of the six
worlds. I had told her not to worry about them until I had explained
the rest. I told her they were there to help everyone learn about
Buddhism and Namu Myoho Renge Kyo so that everyone could move into
the human and heavenly worlds and become more like the Buddha. She
asked me if this was why we chanted and went to the temple - so
that we could pray for her aunt and other people. I told her that
was part of the reason but we also chant so that we can become
better people right now.
Then I told her - we believe your aunt went to heaven because she
was very nice and a basically good person and also because we
chanted Odaimoku for her so that she would hear it and move to the
heavens or even come back later as a new baby. As for pets,
according to the Buddha they might come back in any of the other
worlds including heaven or even as people. (Anyway, heaven wouldn't
be complete if I somehow get there and my late dog Boo Boo isn't
around.) I'm not sure how much of that part she understood but it
seemed to satisfy her question. She asked me later if we could look
at the pictures and talk about them again sometime.
(The following is more pertinent to the other list where this post
originally appeared but I will leave it here anyway):
So I did not get into the distinctions between rebirth and
reincarnation with her, or the distinctions between a self that
reincarnates in contrast to a process of karmic inheritance wherein
there is no fixed self. But I did want to make sure that she
understood the traditional Buddhist view on the level a child can
appreciate so as to preempt and/or counteract any Judeo-Christian or
Islamic programming floating around in our culture. As she matures I
will explain things in a more refined and sophisticated way. In the
beginning the Hindu and Buddhist view (esp. the more mythic or
literal version that I am presenting to her) may not seem different
at all - but as she matures so will her ability to understand the
subtleties and important differences between the two views. And I
will also demythologize it for her and help her to think about these
things from both a scientific and a faith perspective so she can
think it though on her own and decide what makes sense. I will let
myself be guided by her questions and try to gauge her responses to
both traditional and more modern ways of thinking about these
things. For now, I am more concerned that she appreciate that birth
and death is natural, and that there is no need to worry about what
happens to those who die, but that people go where they need to go,
that they are still with us in many ways, and that no matter what we
can chant for all those we love whether living or dead. She didn't
seem distraught or confused by anything I told her, and she seemed
reassured that her aunt is in heaven, and eager to learn more. So
hopefully I explained things in the right way for her at this time.
Namu Myoho Renge Kyo,
Ryuei
www.fraughtwithperil.com/blogs/ryuei/
This is from a blog entry of mine from last December. The previous July, my seven year old daughter had been in Japan with her mother when her aunt died suddenly, so she had to go to the funeral (a Pure Land Buddhist funeral BTW) and consequently was very much in need of an explanation. Our household is Nichiren Buddhist, so I gave her an explanation more or less from that perspective. Here is the entry from Dec 14, 2004:
Just the other day I found myself trying to explain what happens to
people and animals when they die to my seven year old daughter.
Julie's aunt in Japan died while she was there visiting last summer
and it was a very tragic time and Julie was right there for the
funeral and cremation and everything. Everyone told her that her
aunt went to heaven and that we were all chanting for her sake. This
past Sunday she asked if pets go to heaven. This is probably because
Yumi and I were talking about my parents concern for their very old
and sickly orange tabby Tiger. So I decided it was time to explain
the Buddhist view as simply as I could. Here's how it worked out:
I showed her a picture from my copy of the Bhagavad Gita As It Is
(yes, the Hare Krishna translation with all the hokey but useful
pictures in it) of the spectrum of life that goes from skeleton to
fetus to baby to the person in various stages of growth, maturity,
decline, old age, and then death and on to fetus form again. This is
a depiction of reincarnation but works to illustrate the Buddhist
concept of rebirth as well if one explains that it is karma and not
a "self" that is being transferred. But she is too young for such
subtle distinctions now anyway. So, I showed her this picture and
told her this is where we come from - we are wrapped up and very
tiny and stay in our mother's womb (I then referred to the picture
of the pregnant woman on the outer ring of the Tibetan Wheel of
Becoming that I used in Dharma Flower that depicts the twelvefold
chain of dependent originiation). Before being a fetus a then a
baby, we were someone different who had died (referring to the
skeleton in the Bhagavad Gita picture). After we are born (referring
to the picture of the woman giving birth on the outer ring of the
Wheel of Becoming) we begin to grow up and get older (referring back
to the Bhagavad Gita picture). I then asked her how old she was
compared to the stages of maturity so she pointed to a young child.
I then asked her how old I was and she pointed to the full grown man
in the center, the I asked her how old her Ojisan (her grandfather
in Japan who is in his eighties and is now bedridden after his
stroke a couple of years ago) is and she pointed to the very old man
just before the stage of dying. Then I pointed out that after death
a new life in the form of a new baby will appear. At this point I
referred to the outer ring of the Wheel again where a funeral
follows the birth and then the whole new cycle of life begins anew.
She seemed to grasp this.
Then I turned her attention to the six worlds and explained that
they showed the human world, the animals, the hungry ghosts, the
fighting demons, the heavens, and the hells. I told her that one can
be born in any of these according to the Buddha and briefly
explained that people who are nice and that we chant for have a good
chance of going to heaven, but that no one stays in any of them
forever but must die and be born again (referring back to the stages
of birth and death in the picture from the Gita). People may become
people again. People who are very mean and full of hatred and hurt
others will go to hell. People who just want to fight all the time
will become fighting demons. People who are too greedy will become
hungry ghosts, and people who don't think about what they are doing
will become animals. She seemed to understand this and in fact
pretended to be an official in heaven barring the fighting demons
from coming in by crossing her arms and saying, "You can't come in
if you keep fighting!" (Julie loves to pretend to be the teacher or
authority figure who gets to tell others what to do - something we
need to work on because I don't want her to grow up being bossy and
unable to mind her own business.)
Then I showed her the inner ring that shows people falling down or
climbing up and inside that ring in the very center the rooster, the
snake and the pig. I told her that the people going up are the ones
who do good things for others and the people falling are the ones
who are selfish and do bad things. They fall or rise within these
six worlds. I then told her the three animals are acting in ways
that we should avoid so we don't fall down. The rooster does nothing
but eat all the time pecking at the ground and so is very greedy.
The snake likes to bite people because it is angry. The pig wallows
in the mud and is lazy and foolish. So we should not be like these
animals if we want to move up into the human or heavenly world. She
seemed to understand that too.
I then explained why there were bodhisattvas in each of the six
worlds. I had told her not to worry about them until I had explained
the rest. I told her they were there to help everyone learn about
Buddhism and Namu Myoho Renge Kyo so that everyone could move into
the human and heavenly worlds and become more like the Buddha. She
asked me if this was why we chanted and went to the temple - so
that we could pray for her aunt and other people. I told her that
was part of the reason but we also chant so that we can become
better people right now.
Then I told her - we believe your aunt went to heaven because she
was very nice and a basically good person and also because we
chanted Odaimoku for her so that she would hear it and move to the
heavens or even come back later as a new baby. As for pets,
according to the Buddha they might come back in any of the other
worlds including heaven or even as people. (Anyway, heaven wouldn't
be complete if I somehow get there and my late dog Boo Boo isn't
around.) I'm not sure how much of that part she understood but it
seemed to satisfy her question. She asked me later if we could look
at the pictures and talk about them again sometime.
(The following is more pertinent to the other list where this post
originally appeared but I will leave it here anyway):
So I did not get into the distinctions between rebirth and
reincarnation with her, or the distinctions between a self that
reincarnates in contrast to a process of karmic inheritance wherein
there is no fixed self. But I did want to make sure that she
understood the traditional Buddhist view on the level a child can
appreciate so as to preempt and/or counteract any Judeo-Christian or
Islamic programming floating around in our culture. As she matures I
will explain things in a more refined and sophisticated way. In the
beginning the Hindu and Buddhist view (esp. the more mythic or
literal version that I am presenting to her) may not seem different
at all - but as she matures so will her ability to understand the
subtleties and important differences between the two views. And I
will also demythologize it for her and help her to think about these
things from both a scientific and a faith perspective so she can
think it though on her own and decide what makes sense. I will let
myself be guided by her questions and try to gauge her responses to
both traditional and more modern ways of thinking about these
things. For now, I am more concerned that she appreciate that birth
and death is natural, and that there is no need to worry about what
happens to those who die, but that people go where they need to go,
that they are still with us in many ways, and that no matter what we
can chant for all those we love whether living or dead. She didn't
seem distraught or confused by anything I told her, and she seemed
reassured that her aunt is in heaven, and eager to learn more. So
hopefully I explained things in the right way for her at this time.
Namu Myoho Renge Kyo,
Ryuei
www.fraughtwithperil.com/blogs/ryuei/
posted by:
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SF Bay Area
|
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Re: Explaining Death and Rebirth to a Seven Year Old
Wed, August 10, 2005 - 1:13 PMYes you did!
Want to be my dad in the next round?.. I mean... Life?
(o_=) -
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Re: Explaining Death and Rebirth to a Seven Year Old
Wed, August 10, 2005 - 1:20 PMHi,
Thanks. I am sure that we all have had and will have a chance to be each others parents, at least if the total interconnectivity of life and all the permutations of innumerable rebirths is true, but I appreciate the thought.
If you liked that you might also like the sequal to it. Based on feedback and critiques I received in other places I also wrote the following on my blog at:
www.fraughtwithperil.com/blogs/ryuei
Back on December 14, 2004 I made an entry here recounting my attempts to answer my daughter's questions about death, questions prompted by a death in the family and also questions about where pets go when they die. That entry can be found here if you scroll down to the entry for the 14th:
<a href="Explaining" title="www.fraughtwithperil.com/blogs...aining">www.fraughtwithperil.com/blogs...aining Death</a>
Recently in another forum, some people were discussing what to tell kids about death, and I shared that entry. Since these were American Zen Buddhists and assorted hangers on I got the predictable response that we should not indoctrinate children or preach to them. I, however, disagree. I think that whether we like it or not, our children are constantly exposed to many insidious forms of indoctrination - particularly the materialistic nihilism of scientism and also fundamentalist theism. If anything, I think we need to innoculate our children with a counter-indoctrination (shakubuku as it were) of the Buddha Dharma. Anyway, here are some further reflections on this:
For me, teaching children the Dharma is not about preaching or indoctrination. It is about presenting a worldview that I believe is credible and not as empty and horrible as some other things out there competing for my daughter's attention. I also am not afraid to present it in the standard mythic format for now, and I remember how comforting and sensible I found it when I learned it in grade school (which I more or less did).
I do not want my daughter growing up believing in the materialist notion that we are born and die for no particular reason and that when the meat cools our consciousness just evaporates. That is a belief no more or less than anything else - and I believe it is a nihilistic one, the Buddha also thought it nihilistic and not conducive to morality or the actual state of things.
I do not want my daughter growing up believing that there is a big man with a white beard and robes in the sky who will judge whether you go to hell or heaven for eternity after you die depending on some arbitray criteria such as what creed you subscribe to or what rituals you did or did not perform. I happen to agree with the Buddha here too - this is also not conducive to morality or the actual state of things.
I do find the idea of rebirth and the law of cause and effect to be credible (no more or less than anything else) and furthermore it is attested to by the Buddha who claimed it was the actual state of things based on his own direct experience. In my case, I came to this view through exposure to the Edgar Cayce materials when I was in grade school. The Edgar Cayce materials alone taught me that we are responsible for the quality of our lives in the causes we make.
In high school, or maybe it was actually college, I learned about the six worlds of rebirth - how our mental and emotional state can be hellish, or like a hungry ghost, or an animal, or a fighting demon, or a reasonable person, or a heavenly being from time to time and that Buddhism teaches that we experience these different realms after death in between bouts of being human (a rare state - and who is to say it is not rare and precious to be human?). I also learned that unlike Christianity all these states were impermanent and we are not thrown into them for eternity by some cosmic judge but put ourselves in them through our actions and attitudes, and leave them by changing our actions and attitudes. Even if this is not the literal state of things, it makes a lot of metaphorical sense. This worldview is simple enough and even my daughter understood it quickly enough as follows:
1. If you are mean and destructive that leads to a hellish state.
2. If you are greedy you become like a hungry ghost.
3. If you are thoughtless you become like an animal.
4. If you fight all the time you become like a fighting demon.
5. A human being should try to be reasonable and considerate of others.
6. If you are really kind and peaceful you can enter a heavenly state.
Then you can get even better and become aware, insightful, compassionate, and fully awake like the buddhas and bodhisattvas (she knows about them from going to the temple every Sunday and from the Jataka stories about the bodhisattvas who become animals to demonstrate right conduct and generosity).
With the addition of Buddhist refinements, I grew up learning rebirth and karma (even without the cool diagrams) and it made sense to me, gave me hope, and a sense of responsibility. Existential angst and the nihilistic materialistic challenge to all this can come later - say jr. high or high school or even college. That way children will be old enough to resort to sex and drugs to get them through the awful reality that there may be no heaven for the good (and our loved ones) and no hell to punish the unjust. No justice - just us. I am content to give my daughter the traditional views before she has to deal with all that - and hopefully by then she will realize their metaphorical value if nothing else.
Namu Myoho Renge Kyo,
Ryuei
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