Funny emails's topics - tribe.net

Stupid tourist questions in Australia

2008-05-07T08:24:29Z

Body: These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

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Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns,Townsville andHervey Bay? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

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Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not .... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

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Q: Which direction is North in Australia? ( USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? ( UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

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Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?

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Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum.
(USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

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Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees.
(USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

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Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.

Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

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Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay night clubs.

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Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? ( France)

A: Only at Christmas.

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Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*.
Can you help? (USA)

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

posted in Funny emails - 0 replies

Cats

2008-02-13T21:45:05Z

How the cat wakes you up in the morning

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qiGyxPplAw&feature=related

posted in Funny emails - 5 replies

Political correct

2008-02-08T22:50:10Z

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.'

You must now refer to us as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore ....

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK'
- She is a 'BREASTED AMERICAN.'

2. She is not a 'SCREAMER' or a 'MOANER'
- She is 'VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.'

3. She is not 'EASY'
- She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

4. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE'
- She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

5. She has not 'BEEN AROUND'
- She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

6. She is not an 'AIRHEAD'
- She is 'REALITY IMPAIRED.'

7. She does not get 'DRUNK' or 'TIPSY'
- She gets 'CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED'

8. She does not have 'BREAST IMPLANTS'
- She is 'MEDICALLY ENHANCED.'

9. She does not 'NAG' you
- She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

10. She is not a 'TRAMP'
- She is 'SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.'

11. She does not have 'MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS'
- She is 'PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.'

12. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER'
- She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT'
- He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER'
- He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME'
- He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING'
- He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He is not a 'CRADLE ROBBER'
- He prefers 'GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.'

6. He does not get 'FALLING-DOWN DRUNK'
- He becomes 'ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.'

7. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS'
- He develops a case of 'RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

8 He is not a 'MALE CHAUVINIST PIG'
- He has 'SWINE EMPATHY.'

9. He is not afraid of 'COMMITMENT'
- He is 'RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED.'

1 0. He is not 'HORNY'
- He is 'SEXUALLY FOCUSED.'

11. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants
- It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE '

posted in Funny emails - 0 replies

... send this to at least 5 of your friends or else ....

2008-02-08T16:44:43Z

http://info.org.il/irrelevant/may02-smilepop-soapbox4.swf

.".. before the next full moon or else you will be constipated for a month and all your hair will fall out."

hahaha

posted in Funny emails - 2 replies

links

2008-01-21T16:03:06Z

Very creative:
http://www.rense.com/general70/drift.htm

posted in Funny emails - 0 replies

Honk if you love Jesus

2008-01-09T16:19:50Z

The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed!

I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed.
That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy.
He must REALLY love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could.
It was like a football game with him shouting, "GO JESUS CHRIST, GO!!!"

Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people.
There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant.
They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

Several cars behind, a very nice man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like, "Mother trucker," or "Mother's from there." Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must really love the Lord.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me.
I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed to yellow, and stepped on the gas.
And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection.
I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.

posted in Funny emails - 0 replies

Oh mighty oak, how thou hast fallen...

2008-01-04T16:28:15Z

A family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad,
how many kinds of boobies are there?" The father,surprised, answers, "Well
son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are
like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears,
still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them, and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, " Mom, how many
types of "willies" are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,
"Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is
like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, It's like a
birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a
Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree??"

"Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

posted in Funny emails - 1 reply

Great truths

2008-01-02T21:01:32Z

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

posted in Funny emails - 0 replies

Redneck jokes

2007-12-21T18:43:15Z

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,

"Boy, go git yer Momma...."

posted in Funny emails - 0 replies

Wild Christmas dinner

2007-12-21T16:43:28Z

This article was submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won first prize.

Christmas with Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of pantyhose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, ‘What does this do?' ‘You’re kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?'

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models.

The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I’d only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump,Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start o walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the heck is that?' she asked. My brother quickly explained,'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. 'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, Hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight,sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the pantyhose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother’s garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out ofthe house.

posted in Funny emails - 1 reply

Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2008

2007-12-21T16:29:02Z

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions:

Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day,

teach a person to use the internet

and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ...

Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile

when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,

lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.

It pays no attention to Criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00

and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.

Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought For 2008 :

We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration?

" Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers…

What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow"

posted in Funny emails - 0 replies

for women

2007-12-15T05:52:59Z

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of
women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn,
you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman
leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has
been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the
modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but
empty You would hang your purse on the door hook, if th ere was one, but
there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck,
(Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank
down your pants, and assume " The Stance."

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake.
You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wip e the
seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you
discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can
hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the
seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake
more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the
one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck,
that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the
same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way
possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door
hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your
chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the
toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your
precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your
footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is
wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late.
Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life
form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper -
not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that
your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're
certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because,
frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could
get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so
confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose
against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that
covers your butt and runs down your legs and int o your shoes. The flush
some how sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the
empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the
wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper
you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the
sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic
sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk
past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the
very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from
your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from
your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you
just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and
left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and
why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms
(rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men
what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly
asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the
other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex
under the door!

This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so
accurately!

Send this to all women that need a good laugh AND, don't forget to have a
mammogram! It could save your life!

A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always Lifts You Up
Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!

posted in Funny emails - 1 reply

Priest's First Mass...

2007-12-14T01:07:40Z

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A- Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

posted in Funny emails - 1 reply

What would you do?

2007-12-13T18:52:52Z

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3 The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady because she is injured and will die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered:
"I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think outside of the box."

HOWEVER..

The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

Gods, I just love happy endings....!

posted in Funny emails - 3 replies

Tools and their REAL uses

2007-12-11T01:01:04Z

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flatmetal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest andflings your beer across the room, splattering it against thatfreshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere undertheworkbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints andhard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you tosay, "Yow !"

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holesuntil you die of old age.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation ofblood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minortouch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal yourfuture becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off boltheads.If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intensewelding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conductionofintense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammableobjects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease insidethewheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars andmotorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ½socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch woodprojectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground afteryou have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmlyunder the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upwardoffof a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any knowndrill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possiblefuture use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shopsto scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar thatinexplicablyhas an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called adrop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"whichis not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, itsmainpurpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that105mmhowitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of theBattle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhatmisleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lidsandfor opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on yourshirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillipsscrew heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used toconvert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal- burningpower plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air thattravels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rustybolts,which were last over-tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, andinstantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracketyou needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays isusedas a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent totheobject we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboardcartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contentssuch as seats, vinyl, liquids in plastic bottles, collectormagazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially usefulfor slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

BUFFER: A machine designed to propel a knife blade or other object atwarp speed through your body or the nearest concrete wall

posted in Funny emails - 1 reply

Think about it..

2007-12-07T23:33:19Z

Doctors

(A)
The number of physicians in the U.S. is
700,000.

(B)
Accidental deaths caused by Physicians
per year are
120,000.

(C)
Accidental deaths per physician is
0.171.

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Now think about this:
Guns
(A)
The number of gun owners in the U.S. is
80,000,000.
(Yes, that's 80 million)

(B)
The number of accidental gun deaths per
year, all age groups, is
1,500.

(C)
The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is
.000188.

Statistics courtesy of FBI

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

So, statistically, doctors are approximately
9,000
times more dangerous than gun owners.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

FACT:
NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT
ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.

We must ban doctors before
this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Out of concern for the public at large,
I withheld the statistics on lawyers
for fear the shock would cause people
to panic and seek medical
attention.

posted in Funny emails - 0 replies

Xmas

2007-12-07T23:03:51Z

A Christmas Story

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason:
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season!

posted in Funny emails - 0 replies

mood ring

2007-12-06T16:30:21Z

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond...

Dumb ass!

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Little Golden Books That Never Made It

2007-12-04T17:39:05Z

Little Golden Books That Never Made It

1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

posted in Funny emails - 0 replies

kids in church

2007-12-04T17:38:16Z

3-year-old Reese :
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen."
~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.I'm having a real good time like I am."
~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,and I wanted to stay with you guys."

~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed,
"And forgive us our trash baskets, as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied,
"Because people are sleeping."
~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
" Ryan , you be Jesus !"
~~~~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did God throw him back down?"
~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

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