This was posted in my Blog here a few days ago. I have phrased several things for the more mundane audience of the Blog, but those of you here will recognize Her of whom I speak here. I am certain that She has worked in my life for some reason, yet even today, I am uncertain what I have done to deserve such attention.

This will also give those of you who have been here a long while, another insight into why I occasionally revert to a VERY deep, spiritually felt mode. I DO live a spiritual life, and this is one very large reason why.

Enjoy....

"Withdrawls" from TattooShaman's Blog....

Have you ever had a friend in your life where you knew, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that in another life you two had something beyond measure? That in this life, your friendship and affection for one another echo that intensity, leaving you changed, every time you see her (or him)?

There are several women in my life with whom I have the confidence of certainty that what went before was something beyond reckoning, something of a great, mystical nature, as though the Love and Affection between us was something out of legend, something out of a fairy tale. It's not just a trace, but instead like an additional layer of reality, existing beneath or overlaid upon the Loving friendship that we have in this time.

Oh, I'm not talking about having a crush on a friend, although I've been there too, I'm talking about having a friend with whom I share a Love so complete that we would never consider screwing up that friendship by something so silly as to think we need to be dating one another. Such is the case with my friend, K, who came to visit the week before Memorial Day. Such is the case with others currently in my life, and in my past as well.

She's been gone a week, now, and I still turn every corner in my home, still enter every room, expecting to see her sitting there, smiling in her own, magical way. Each time I see that the room is empty, each time I remember putting her on a plane, I feel a sadness, as though something magical, some force of nature out of fantastical fiction, has left with her. This is not someone with whom I have a physical relationship, but a magical, intense Love, without strings or condition, which is the most fulfilling emotion I have ever known, each and every time I feel it.

K is not the only friend with whom I have such a connection, there's an A, another K, a C, an S, and a T (who is gone from my life, never to return from what I can tell) and there would be a third K, and a D, were they to be able to shed some of the cultural inhibition against intimacy that they hold, or perhaps to understand the difference between this and other loves. Not inhibition agains physical intimacy, but against emotional intimacy, as though such things were not to be trusted. Each of these women has affected me in such a way that I spend much of my free time remembering the Joy that they bring into my life, each and every time I see them, speak with them, or receive correspondence (phone call, e-mail, etc.) from them. Each of them knows, by now, that this is not about obsession, not about physical attraction, but instead about that magical connection that some are lucky enough to feel in this lifetime.

Each time they walk into my life, even if only for a few moments, I am again a young man, again filled with hope for this life, that there will again be that Love of a Lifetime that I once had in a partner, but knowing if it is not meant to be, that I have something as valuable, something as magical, with these friends of mine, these Platonic Lovers. Each time they leave, I am again aware of exactly how lucky I am to know them, but feel a sense of an important part of me having been ripped away, and that feeling, although dulled with time, remains.

How is it that a woman gone a week, and another gone four years, can both affect me in the same way, at the same time, without doing a single thing to encourage such? How is it that I am so fortunate to know such incredible women at such an intimate level, yet live in a world where conditions are such that such affection is one that must, by circumstance, be experienced Platonically? How is it that I am able to Love so completely, and to have found these women who Love completely in return?

I always know how furtunate I am, yet sometimes feel that it is also a curse, since such things are near impossible to communicate clearly, leaving me feeling the urge to shout things from the rooftops, when we already know how we feel, and they do return the same emotion to me without condition or limit.

I am pagan, being that not out of some desire to belong, or some wish to believe, but instead because of these and other experiences in my life that leave me unable to accept that there's nothing more than the physical universe, nothing outside of Newton and Einstein and Hawking. Too many times, I have been left gaping, as something magical enters the room, with each of these ladies. Too, I find this same feeling when walking in the redwoods, and every time I'd walk out the door, when I lived up by Yosemite during the 90s. Too many things have occurred that I have only ever found mention of in fiction, mythology, and folklore, for me to deny the existence of that something Else.

I guess I'm still feeling withdrawls from K's visit, but I could never find these withdrawls to be something regretable, since to feel them, I must first feel that magical, mystical, wonderful connection that leads to them.

Thank you, Ladies, for the warmth and magic that you have brought into this life. I only hope that I am someday able to manage these feelings without the sense of loss that arises as you walk out that door each time.......

Love, Respect, and Great Admiration,

Yours Forever,

T