Harold said "help a bi-guy out, should i focus more - or less - on the gal; when trying to meet a couple?"
I think this sounds like a terrific topic all by itself.
Now for my own answer--I think it kind of depends on the couple really. I bet that a couple already sort of has an idea of what they want from a third person in their relationship (or their bed). By that I mean, in a MF couple it's possible to have a man that really wants to see his woman enjoy herself with another man. Then there is both people really want to play with a guy. There can also be the scenario where the man of the couple really wants to play with another man while the woman may or may not join in (which is usually the case in my house). I know that I really don't want some guy coming along and giving me all the attention and not paying equal time to my partner.
I'm just sort of wondering , as a bi guy in Harold's case, if you should sort of just pick up the vibe AND ask questions of the couple and see what it is they are really after.
Mileage may vary.
Further comments, experiences or complaints?
I think this sounds like a terrific topic all by itself.
Now for my own answer--I think it kind of depends on the couple really. I bet that a couple already sort of has an idea of what they want from a third person in their relationship (or their bed). By that I mean, in a MF couple it's possible to have a man that really wants to see his woman enjoy herself with another man. Then there is both people really want to play with a guy. There can also be the scenario where the man of the couple really wants to play with another man while the woman may or may not join in (which is usually the case in my house). I know that I really don't want some guy coming along and giving me all the attention and not paying equal time to my partner.
I'm just sort of wondering , as a bi guy in Harold's case, if you should sort of just pick up the vibe AND ask questions of the couple and see what it is they are really after.
Mileage may vary.
Further comments, experiences or complaints?
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California
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Re: Where do you focus?
Mon, June 30, 2008 - 5:26 PM<<a man that really wants to see his woman enjoy herself with another man. Then there is both people really want to play with a guy.>>
See, now I totally could get down with either one of those scenarios and probably this one:
<<where the man of the couple really wants to play with another man while the woman may or may not join in>>
But this one would really piss me off:
<<I know that I really don't want some guy coming along and giving me all the attention and not paying equal time to my partner>>
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Re: Where do you focus?
Mon, June 30, 2008 - 7:07 PMI have played with many guys and many gals and many couples where the guy is straight but only with one couple where the guy was bi. He met me online because I was bi. We (he and I) played first. Later we have played with our wives all four of us together. We are friends but not looking for a relation in the Poly since. When the four of us played with all tried to make sure everyone was involved. It makes it somewhat difficult because both of our wives are straight.
I would say to Harold be yourself and show your interest where it is. Do not try to fake it. If the couple is secure in their relation they will be OK with it. If they are not maybe you don't want to get involved. -
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Re: Where do you focus?
Mon, June 30, 2008 - 8:50 PMWe (he and I) played first. Later we have played with our wives all four of us together
I like that approach. Most of my experiences have been in some type of threesome or moresome situation. I'm not part of a couple, but I like the idea of getting with a guy one-on-one first -- with the expectation but not the obligation of getting her involved later. I've tried about all the various ways that have been described. I generally end up playing with both, but not necessarily at the same time, except for some touching by the partner who is not sexually involved at the moment. -
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Re: Where do you focus?
Tue, July 1, 2008 - 3:15 AM>>>guys play together first...
uhm - that one seems to rub ME the wrong way. that is odd since i would prolly enjoy the situation - but there is something about that scene that hints at the guy playing "down low" and not telling the wife/partner of his trysts...
somehow i feel like im entering ethical-sluts-territory, but basically if i (as a guy) were approached by a married/coupled guy - i ALWAYS ask what our tryst means to his primary relationship. i really do - and if the guy does not answer in an open/honest way - i stay the heck away from him. im not into breaking up a primary relationship - no matter how hot the guy might be to me at the time...
in gay-couples, it is almost always about having an "open" relationship but _I_ have never been invited into the couple-arena, only with the single trysting partner. whether they discuss my tryst or not is THEIR business, not mine, as far as the openness of their relationship determines...
also, ive met several "married" guys where our tryst is supposed to be only the MM scene. i just try to make sure that im not causing grief for his relationship - at least none that _I_ can control. maybe im just in denial about it all - and that is what is throwing me off...
looking over what ive just written - i realize WHY i feel the natural response (for me) would be to focus on the gal in a couple, rather than the guy. basically, ive still got the traditional branding of guys-are-hetero even if _I_ am not. also, ive got the worry that if i am ignoring the gal/other-partner too much that im sending some bad juju into the relationship...
interesting because the truth is that ive lost all sense of what _I_ want in this situation... im only focussing on what the couple might want and trying to predetermine that without asking.... seems i need to do a LOT more work on communication skills if im going to someday get into a scene with a RL couple.
a simple "hi, im harold. i like your guy here, but id also like to play with you both - if it is acceptable." seems like it would let the couple know my interests and intent and let them see if it fits with their own interests and intents...
beyond that, it will all be about negotiation, chemistry, and whatever else, i guess...
hmm ... also, if i "know" that im playing with only one partner in a relationship - and _I_ am truly interested in pursuing a couple-scene, then maybe i should state that preference outright rather than just wait-and-see if something further develops. whats the worst that can happen - they say "no"? -
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Re: Where do you focus?
Tue, July 1, 2008 - 5:58 AMIt really is all about the communication, isn't it?
I find that guys we talk to seem to be a bit surprised at the fact that my guy is bi and he and I talk. It's important to me that his needs are met and that includes a penis. He and I both already know what happens when you keep something like that from your partner.
We've played with several bi guys and every time has been different as far as my involvement. I'm really okay with M playing without me. Partly I think that's because I need a lot more time with someone before I want to jump into bed with them. I can also sometimes sense when the other guy would rather be doing MM play so I'd rather stay in the background. If a guy was to try to give me too much attention then I would feel really uncomfortable for my partner's sake. This is just how it works for us...or has so far. There are a LOT of frogs to kiss out there. :)
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Re: Where do you focus?
Tue, July 1, 2008 - 9:25 AMROFLMAO - sometimes youre (im) the frog... LOL
sorry, that saying about dogs and hydrants came to mind... lol
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Re: Where do you focus?
Tue, July 1, 2008 - 4:31 PMIn our case, my wife feels more threaten by another woman than by another man. She less apprehensive if I check the guy out first and determine if he is OK. Then we can all play together. I don't always tell her before I play with a guy, but I do if it is with a gal. When we go to play parties she prefers parties where bi or gay guys are welcome. In many so call "swinger parties" that we have attended MM play is frown upon although FF play is expected. Since she is straight she fells that in those parties is like going back to high school and the girls are out on display for the entrainment of the guys. So we mostly go to queer friendly parties. Of course these are generalizations and is only us and there exceptions. Others may have different experiences.
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