The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe's topics - tribe.net

KIDS WRITE ABOUT THE SEA

SweetNypples — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 14:41:11 GMT

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all
round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson.
She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
(Millie age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to
make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating
beans. (William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. And
how on earth do Mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming
and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just
got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you
a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to
plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy
small. (Kevin age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go
down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

13) On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going
very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her
fat ass. (Julie age 7)

posted in The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe - 3 replies

Password

minder_bug — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 14:28:38 GMT

A wife was helping her husband set up his new computer. When he
got to the part in the set-up, the computer advised him that he
would now need to enter a password. Something he would remember and use
to log on with. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he
would try for the shock value effect and to bring the fact to his wife's attention.
So, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering by
stating each letter out loud as he typed :

P-E-N-I-S

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
"PASSWORD REJECTED, NOT LONG ENOUGH!"

posted in The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe - 0 replies

getting what you ask for...

minder_bug — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 18:24:46 GMT

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.' The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.' Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again.
'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?' 'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'
The man sighs , pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

posted in The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe - 2 replies

Church Bulletins (An old one, but a keeper.)

Wed, 06 Aug 2008 23:10:45 GMT

Let us all give thanks for those fine ladies with typewriters and word processors who work hard every week to churn out the Sunday Church Bulletin. These sentences with typo's actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on Water.' The sermon tonight is 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I Will Not Pass This Way Again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

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Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and gracious hostility.

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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.
All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the back door.

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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan Last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'

Today’s Sermon: Dumping Sinful Booze in the River. This morning’s sermon will be followed by the congregational singing of “Shall We Gather at the River.”

posted in The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe - 4 replies

Chili

minder_bug — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 18:23:37 GMT

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that said course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're definitely going to mess yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's Movement 2". Despite habanero peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneros in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the
restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of
course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down", if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from
my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because my butt is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, " Oh my God!", then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem."

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!", then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. They claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

posted in The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe - 3 replies

Singing Socks

selkie — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 16:42:31 GMT

Well its nice to be back in amongst you all again....I mean how long can one possibly play ' connect 4'!!!

I just wanted to share this little bit of silliness.

I recorded this version of a Dutch Birthday song for a Dutch friend's birthday and I thought why not try an do a daft video for it. Well the whole experience was hilarious so I thought you all might like a chuckle. Also I had never posted anything up on You Tube before. I only wished I could've sang with a Dutch accent.

Apologies in advance folks...this isn't sophistication....they are singing socks.

www.youtube.com/watch

posted in The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe - 7 replies

Congress

SweetNypples — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 20:31:50 GMT

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.

'Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.--

Vote carefully this year !!!!

posted in The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe - 3 replies

Mike?

SweetNypples — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 17:52:47 GMT

What happened??? did he leave on his own? tribe goofin up? Anybody friends with Mike that would know?

posted in The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe - 2 replies

Senior moments

minder_bug — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 18:38:41 GMT

1. LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her

Car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her

Situation to The dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering

Wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says.

"She got in the back-seat by mistake."

_____________________________________________________________________

2. FAMILY

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One

Night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She

Yells To the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know.. I'll come up and see." She

Starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening

To her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get

That forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both

Of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

_____________________________________________________________________

3. "I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine

March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

_____________________________________________________________________

4. LITTLE LADY

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing

Home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say

"Supersex."

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at

Him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take

The soup."

_____________________________________________________________________

5. OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,

They had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their

Activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play

Cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other

And said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a

Long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and

Thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared

And glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

_____________________________________________________________________

6. SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I

Just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on

Interstate 77. Please be careful!"

"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

_____________________________________________________________________

7. DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely

See over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an

Intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it.

I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more

Minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.

Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was

Almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that

She was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure

Enough, the light was Red and they went on through. So, she turned to the

Other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three

Red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"

_____________________________________________________________________

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

posted in The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe - 3 replies

Woman Driver

SweetNypples — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 14:23:44 GMT

This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a

Woman

In a brand new
Cadillac

Doing 75 mph

With her
Face, up next to her

rear view mirror

Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away

for a couple seconds!

And when I looked back she was

h alfway over in my lane,

s till working on that makeup.

As a man,

I don't scare easily.

But she scar ed me so much;

I dropped

My electric shaver ,

w hich knocked

The donut

Out of my other hand.

In all

t he confusion of trying

t o straighten out the car

using my knees against

the steering wheel,

it knocked

my cell phone

away from my ear,

which fell,

into the coffee

between my legs,

splashed,

and burned

Big Jim and the Twins,

ruined the damn phone,

soaked my trousers,

and disconnected an
important call.

Darn women drivers!!

posted in The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe - 3 replies

Power outage

minder_bug — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 18:39:26 GMT

Ladies, take time to enjoy a good laugh!

POWER OUTAGE DURING A MAMMOGRAM

I actually kept my mammogram appointment I was met with, 'Hi! I'm Belinda!' This perky
clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, 'All
I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on
this gown. Everything clear?'

I'm thinking, 'Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science.'

Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said,
'Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?'

Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining
circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?

My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob wedged between
those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap! Complete
darkness and the power went off!

'Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag.' Belinda headed for the door.

'Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?' I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, 'Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have
the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back.'

Before I could shout 'NOOOO!' she disappeared.

And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me,
half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed
between glass!

After exchanging polite 'Hi, how's it going' type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl)
asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible 'Uh, yes,
yes I did thanks.'

'You bet, take care' Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the
line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to
suppress her amusement, she said, 'Oh I am sooo sorry!' The power came back on and I
totally forgot about you!
And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?'

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps....

posted in The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe - 2 replies

Grandma's Letter

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 02:24:18 GMT

She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book
store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just
come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a
thunderous prayer meeting. So I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just
lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I
didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he
hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking
like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'Go! Go!! Go!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking! I leaned out my window and started waving
and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times,
sharing in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there
because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way, with only his
middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage
grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a
Hawaiian Good Luck Sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned
out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing. Why, even he was enjoying this
religious experience!! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of
the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking
towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but
this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved at all my
brothers and sisters, and I drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was
the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed
again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had
shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window, and gave them
all the Hawaiian Good Luck Sign one last time as I drove away.
My teenage grandson is still laughing and rejoicing in the Spirit!!!
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love,
Grandma

posted in The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe - 2 replies

You Know You Are A Redneck When.......

Mon, 04 Aug 2008 22:14:06 GMT

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think 'The Nutcracker' is a vice on the work bench.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean ?

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is WalMart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 MPH.

I didn't meet all the criteria, but I did achieve enough of them to qualify.
MIke

posted in The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe - 1 reply

Smart man

SweetNypples — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 15:49:00 GMT

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboringkingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth andideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer avery difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and,if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex eventhe most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query.But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition tohave an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, thepriests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but noone could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have theanswer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout thekingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthu r had no choice but to talk to thewitch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to herprice first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights ofthe Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only onetooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encounteredsuch a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden;but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur ..
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and thepreservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered...is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truthand that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelotand the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrificexperience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The mostbeautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astoundedLancelot asked what had happened
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as awitch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the timeand the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to showoff to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch?Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, abeautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?

Noble Lancelot said that hewould allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, sheannounced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected herenough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral tothis story?

Scroll down

The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her ownway....
Things are going to get ugly

posted in The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe - 2 replies

George Carlin's View on How To Stay Young

Sun, 03 Aug 2008 01:53:10 GMT

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight, and height. Let the doctors worry about those things. That is why you pay them.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop,' and the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh.........................often, long, and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

posted in The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe - 3 replies

American vs. Frenchman

SweetNypples — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 20:46:29 GMT

An American is having breakfast, in Paris , one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread?"
American (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Frenchman an: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France , we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The American listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
American: "Of Course."
Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to the states."
After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France ?"
Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.
American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."
American: "We don't. In America , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France ."

posted in The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe - 5 replies

Grandmas Don't Know Everything

Sun, 03 Aug 2008 01:59:27 GMT

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while
when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma,
what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one
is on top of the other?"

His grandmother was a little taken back, but she decided to just tell
him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, Darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to
play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back
in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called sexual
intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you."

posted in The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe - 1 reply

Scotch With Two Drops Of Water

Sun, 03 Aug 2008 02:12:17 GMT

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

posted in The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe - 1 reply

A Love Story

Sun, 03 Aug 2008 02:51:14 GMT

An eighty-year old woman in Ohio was arrested for shop-lifting.
When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her,
'What did you steal?'
She replied, 'A can of peaches.'
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches,
and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her
how many peaches were in the can. She replied that there were six peaches in the can.
The judge then said, 'I will then give you six days in jail.'
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the
woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say
something. The judge said, 'What is it?'
The husband said, 'She also stole a can of peas.'

posted in The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe - 1 reply

Old Is When........

Sun, 03 Aug 2008 02:16:27 GMT

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweet says, 'Let's go upstairs
and make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you
on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy
and your pacemaker opens the garage door,

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less
pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action'
means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all-nighter' means not getting up
to use the bathroom.

posted in The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe - 0 replies

George Carlin's Views on Aging

Sun, 03 Aug 2008 01:45:56 GMT

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

'How old are you?'
'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

'How old are you?'
'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21! YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

posted in The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe - 0 replies

The Fourth Marriage

Sun, 03 Aug 2008 01:37:36 GMT

A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Of course, Madam," replied the sales clerk. "Exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"

The bride-to-be said, "A long, frilly, white dress with a veil."

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time , for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean. Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice."

"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."

"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.

"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."

posted in The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe - 0 replies

Two Rednecks

Sun, 03 Aug 2008 01:30:32 GMT

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they're walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, " Wow! That's some hole! I can't even see the bottom! I wonder how deep it is."
The second hunter says," I don't know. Let's throw something down in it and listen to see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, " There's this old transmission here. Give me a hand, and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick the transmission up and carry it over to the hole. They count, "One, two, three!" and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge, and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole, and with no hesitation, the goat jumps headfirst into the hole.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer. "You fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

And the old farmer said, " Why that's impossible! I had him chained to a transmission! "

posted in The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe - 0 replies

Sister Mary Ann's Gasoline

Sun, 03 Aug 2008 01:16:41 GMT

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out
making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of
gas. As luck would have it, an Texaco Gasoline station was just a block
away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.

The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned
out, but she could wait until it was returned.

Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not
to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and
spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.

Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station,
filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from
across the street. One of them turned to the other and said,
'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'

posted in The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe - 0 replies

The Blind Cowboy

Sun, 03 Aug 2008 01:11:51 GMT

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

posted in The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe - 0 replies

The Original Victoria's Secret

enigmahare — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 16:20:01 GMT

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20080731.wbloomers31/BNStory/National/home

posted in The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe - 7 replies

Kids Are Quck

Mon, 28 Jul 2008 14:56:29 GMT

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America

MARI A : Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.

____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the
floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I- A -L"

TE A CHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it .

____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we

didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well , I'm a lot closer to the ground than you
are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."

MILLIE: I is...

TEACHER: No, Millie.... A lways say, "I am."

MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the
alphabet."

________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's

cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his

father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.

______________________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the
same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog.

___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking
when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher!!

posted in The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe - 2 replies

Heard Any of These Before?

enigmahare — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 13:55:49 GMT

LONDON (Reuters) - The world's oldest recorded joke has been traced back to 1900 BC and suggests toilet humor was as popular with the ancients as it is today.

It is a saying of the Sumerians, who lived in what is now southern Iraq and goes: "Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap."

It heads the world's oldest top 10 joke list published by the University of Wolverhampton Thursday.

A 1600 BC gag about a pharaoh, said to be King Snofru, comes second -- "How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish."

The oldest British joke dates back to the 10th Century and reveals the bawdy face of the Anglo-Saxons -- "What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before? Answer: A key."

"Jokes have varied over the years, with some taking the question and answer format while others are witty proverbs or riddles," said the report's writer Dr Paul McDonald, senior lecturer at the university.

"What they all share however, is a willingness to deal with taboos and a degree of rebellion. Modern puns, Essex girl jokes and toilet humor can all be traced back to the very earliest jokes identified in this research."

The study was commissioned by television channel Dave. The top 10 oldest jokes can be viewed at www.dave-tv.co.uk.

posted in The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe - 0 replies

An Older Lady Gets Pulled Over For Speeding

Mon, 28 Jul 2008 14:34:07 GMT

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!!!!

Don't Mess With Old Ladies

posted in The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe - 3 replies

Drafting Guys Over Sixty

Mon, 28 Jul 2008 14:49:55 GMT

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces think I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. "My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry" We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some terrorist that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the heck. Besides, like I said, "I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical terrorist.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone out run a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

posted in The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe - 3 replies

A Different Kind Of Blond Joke

Mon, 28 Jul 2008 20:10:22 GMT

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan; so, the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but, we're a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies, "The airport wanted to charge me two hundred dollars to store my car. Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Not all blondes are dumb.

posted in The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe - 4 replies

Uh, Someone Stole My Rare Shark

enigmahare — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 20:06:10 GMT

Police hunt stolen rare shark
Wed Jul 30, 2008 1:20pm EDT

LONDON (Reuters) - A rare shark was being hunted by police on Tuesday after it was stolen from an aquarium.

Imported from Indonesia four years ago, the 2ft long, mottled brown, marble catshark -- Atelomycterus Macleayi -- is the female half of the only active breeding pair of its kind in Britain.

"As a breeding pair the male and female are worth 50,000 pounds," aquarium owner Peter Newman, 68, told Reuters, following the shark's theft over the weekend from his Farnborough aquarium in Hampshire.

"On its own the female might be worth 10,000 pounds," added Newman. "We think whoever stole it might come back and try and take the male or we'll get a ransom demand for the female.

"They obviously came prepared as to take a shark you need a net, a bag full of water and a polystyrene box. I think it must have been someone who had been in the shop before and knew where it was kept."

Since arriving in England, the stolen shark has had an adventurous life, surviving electrocution after a crab bit through a power cable, before giving birth to six baby sharks earlier this year.

"I'm very attached to her," said Newman. "I could look for another female but it's difficult as I'm not sure it would mate with the male.

"I'm interested in shark scientific research as I've been involved in conservation issues in the Philippines and Indonesia where a lot of fisherman use cyanide to kill sharks."
Earlier on Tuesday, Hampshire police issued an appeal for information.

"We believe this may have been a targeted burglary of a shark that is extremely rare in the UK," they said in a statement.

"The victim is desperate for the fish to be returned and we urge anyone with information about the burglary to contact us.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm not sure I want to know how one "fences" a rare shark.

I'm also wondering what might transpire if the thieves decided to abandon their catch in a swimming pool, Jacuzzi or such.

posted in The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe - 2 replies

For Those Who Enjoy Language (Or Severe Distortion Thereof)

Mon, 28 Jul 2008 01:00:39 GMT

a. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
b. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before
c. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
d. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
e. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris must be in Seine
f. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
g. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
h. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
i. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
j. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
k. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
l. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
m. Definition of a will: A dead give away.
n. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
o. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
p. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
q. If you don't pay your exorcist, you'll be repossessed.
r. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
s. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
t. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
u. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
v. Every calendar's days are numbered.
w. A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
x. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
y. A midget fortuneteller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
z. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

AND:

aa. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
ab. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
ac. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
ad. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

posted in The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe - 2 replies

The Blond and Her Cat

Sun, 27 Jul 2008 00:07:22 GMT

A blonde was weed-whacking her yard and she accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass.
She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WAL-MART!
Why WAL-MART??
HELLOOOOOOOOO!
WALMART is the largest Retailer in the world!!!

posted in The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe - 2 replies

Blond

Mon, 28 Jul 2008 01:58:41 GMT

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

'Mommy! Mommy!' she yelled, 'We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!'

'Very good,' said her mother.

'Is it because I'm blonde?' the girl asked.

'Yes, it's because you're blonde,' said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
'Mommy! Mommy!' she yelled. 'We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!'

'Very good,' said her mother.

'Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?'

'Yes, it's because you're blonde.'

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
'Mommy! Mommy!' she yelled. 'We were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!' And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

'Very good,' said her embarrassed mother.

'Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?'

'No, Honey, it's because you're 24.'

posted in The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe - 1 reply

Marijuana-Filled Firewood

Mon, 28 Jul 2008 15:03:38 GMT

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs , but he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for the call, Sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

posted in The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe - 0 replies

Crabs

Mon, 28 Jul 2008 14:41:54 GMT

CRABS

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crab.

A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.

The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

She was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, 'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?'

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them herself.

Men never learn!

posted in The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe - 0 replies

How To Call The Police

Mon, 28 Jul 2008 01:20:12 GMT

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife
told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could
see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there
were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?"
"No," responded George.
The police told George that all patrols were busy , and that he should
simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up the phone, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
stealing things from my shed," said George. " Well, you don't have to worry about them now
because I've just shot them." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an
ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars
red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot
them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

posted in The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe - 0 replies

Definitions Not In The Dictionary

Sun, 27 Jul 2008 20:09:15 GMT

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born
and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have.
I have character lines

posted in The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe - 0 replies

an email from my sister...

Troll-Haven-Speakeasy — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 16:53:41 GMT

Don't know if you've read this one yet...came with comments in parenthesis...

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it !)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes.. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

posted in The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe - 1 reply

The Polite Way to Go Pee

SweetNypples — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 14:07:27 GMT

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"

Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

The teacher fainted...

posted in The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe - 3 replies

Happy Laughing Simile

enigmahare — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 20:30:04 GMT

Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides
gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances
like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like
a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one
of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country
speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar
eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room
temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog
makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated
because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a
surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag
filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an
eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city
and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when
you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across
the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having
left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka
at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who
had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was
the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap,
only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,
this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not
eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either,
but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land
mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender
leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around
with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells,
as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

posted in The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe - 3 replies

Innocence Is Priceless

Sun, 27 Jul 2008 00:17:31 GMT

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up,
stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'
'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this?'
The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, 'Which service, the 8:45 or the 11:00?'

posted in The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe - 0 replies

Woman Choking In A Bar

Sun, 27 Jul 2008 00:12:17 GMT

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind LickManeuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

posted in The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe - 0 replies

Jokes That Can Be Told In Church

Sun, 27 Jul 2008 00:04:45 GMT

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?'
'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'
_________________________________
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!'
While she was runing and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray,
'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'
___________________________________
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'
_________________________________
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'
____________________________________
A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if You had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'
_____________________________________
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem . A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'
___________________________________
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
____________________________________
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?'
Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'
_______________________________________

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'
________________________________________

posted in The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe - 0 replies

Headlines For the Year 2029

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 02:09:41 GMT

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest
country in the world, Mexifornia , formerly known as California. White
minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third
language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the
Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more
years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally,
but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail
delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed,
they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters
and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political
contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

posted in The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe - 5 replies

Parent IQ vs Child's age

minder_bug — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 21:39:54 GMT

This explains it all...
http://graphjam.com/2008/07/13/song-chart-memes-parental-iq/

posted in The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe - 2 replies

Stay!

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 23:50:14 GMT

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the
Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled
down the car windows to make sure my
Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat,
and I wanted to impress upon her that she must
remain there. I walked to the curb backward,
pointing my finger at the car and saying,
emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?
Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde
young lady, gave me a strange look and said,
"Why don't you just put it in park?"

posted in The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe - 2 replies

A riddle for the true intellectual

SweetNypples — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 13:43:22 GMT

Here's a riddle for the true intellectual.
Try to come up with the answer on your own.
The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think this one
through.
At the exact same time, there are two 35 year old men on opposite sides
of the earth:
One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers.
The other is getting 'oral pleasure' from an toothless 90 year old
woman.
They are both thinking the exact same thing.
What are they both thinking?
.

.

.

.
.
.
.

.

.
.

.
.
.

.

Don't look down!
Don't look down!
Don't look down!

posted in The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe - 2 replies

The Happy Laughing Smiley Tribe's topics - tribe.net

KIDS WRITE ABOUT THE SEA

Password

getting what you ask for...

Church Bulletins (An old one, but a keeper.)

Chili

Singing Socks

Congress

Mike?

Senior moments

Woman Driver

Power outage

Grandma's Letter

You Know You Are A Redneck When.......

Smart man

George Carlin's View on How To Stay Young

American vs. Frenchman

Grandmas Don't Know Everything

Scotch With Two Drops Of Water

A Love Story

Old Is When........

George Carlin's Views on Aging

The Fourth Marriage

Two Rednecks

Sister Mary Ann's Gasoline

The Blind Cowboy

The *Original* Victoria's Secret

Kids Are Quck

Heard Any of These Before?

An Older Lady Gets Pulled Over For Speeding

Drafting Guys Over Sixty

A Different Kind Of Blond Joke

Uh, Someone Stole My Rare Shark

For Those Who Enjoy Language (Or Severe Distortion Thereof)

The Blond and Her Cat

Blond

Marijuana-Filled Firewood

Crabs

How To Call The Police

Definitions Not In The Dictionary

an email from my sister...

The Polite Way to Go Pee

Happy Laughing Simile

Innocence Is Priceless

Woman Choking In A Bar

Jokes That Can Be Told In Church

Headlines For the Year 2029

Parent IQ vs Child's age

Stay!

A riddle for the true intellectual

The Original Victoria's Secret