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suicidal

topic posted Thu, October 25, 2007 - 7:11 AM by  suzy
I posted here not too long ago when i was a couple months into my initial diagnosis with herpes.

I feel so out of sorts and overwhelmed. I'm losing control of my life and my family.


I assumed I got herpes from my current partner since he was never tested for it and still refuses to get tested to this day.

I was diagnosed via a culture and had some valtrex thrown at me and was hurried away. I was also a new mother only three
weeks postpartum with my daughter and scared out of my mind.

My relationship with m fiance was a fast one. Three months in and i was pregnant but I thought he loved me.
I have never been treated with such disrespect and felt so worthless from another human being as I do when I am with him.

He says all the worrying about my supposed "pain" has ruined the relationship and I failed him and my daughter.

With that being said I just want to jump off a bridge. I have no support from family or friends, everyone just lives their
own lives and I suffer silently.

I tried counseling and her response was, "it's just herpes". I felt like she said to me to just get over it.

I never went back.


I do nothing all day except to let my mind wander about all the shit I have failed at in my life and why I can't
ever have a happy ending.


I can't enjoy being with my daughter because i feel like a leper. I'm so afraid that in the beginning I would wash my
hands relentlessly out of fear of transmission to her.


MY partner just ignores me now and makes me feel worse. When he's had enough he'll just leave me here to take care
of our daughter on my own. Which I'm am used to but don't feel capable.

I requested a type specific IGG antibody test which came back negative...or a .09 for both types. I don't know why and no one
can explain this.

I don't know where herpes came from but its running my life and making me want to end it most days.

I used to be a happy person, but i don't know where to even begin.

I want help but i only work a small amount of days in the evening and thats if her father shows up to watch her.

I just don't know what to do anymore.
posted by:
suzy
offline suzy
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  • new2...
    new2theclub
    offline 1

    Re: suicidal

    Thu, October 25, 2007 - 9:34 AM
    Suzy,
    It is very possible that all these recent stresses are aggravating some post-partum depression. You should see a Doctor ASAP! If you don't like your doctor, just like an auto mechanic, go to another one.
    You chose to bring this blessing, your baby girl into the world. It is your responsability to do everything in your power to be there for her, especially since her father doesn't seem like a great alternative.
    If you ever have the thought that your daughter would be better off without you, it is NOT true.

    Please, please, call on your support system, get some help, you don't have to feel like this. I jknow it doesn't feel like it, but it will pass.

    hugs to you and your baby
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    • Unsu...
       

      Re: suicidal

      Thu, October 25, 2007 - 7:56 PM
      namaste,

      try another therapist. if you AND your partner talk and you want to be together, you need a therapist together also.

      it is possible that herpes is just the tip of the problem iceberg.

      someone who loves can love through a fear of talking to you about herpes, and even about the entire relationship, and you two if in love can be making each other feel good about everything going on - baby, herpes, whatever, instead negativity and fears are out there hanging.

      you can do whatever needs to be done. good that you are trying to not pass the herpes on. the baby can detect the emotion and the energy of the caretakers, it is important to get help and be all you can be for the baby.

      good luck.

      xo
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  • Bishop
    Bishop
    offline 36

    Re: suicidal

    Sat, October 27, 2007 - 12:23 PM
    I agree, you need to see someone ASAP. What you are talking about is not simply caused from Herpes.
    All of us in here have it, all of us had different journey's to the acceptance stage.

    What you are talking about is depression, post pardum, lack of support and you definately sound overwhelmed without even having a support system.

    Please please please go talk to someone!!!! get another doctor! get a referral if you have to. You are not responsible for your partner's shitty behavior and you can't change it, but you must do something proactive to take care of yourself. People around you may not know how to help or the extreme of what you are feeling. You must take charge of this and do whatever it is you need to do to take care of you!!

    you have a new baby, and are a new mommy, you have an unsuportive partner, recently went through labor and found out you have a life long std, these are serious things to have piled on you all at once.

    Is is possible for you to go stay with your mom? or perhaps a sibling? with the baby?
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    • suzy
      suzy
      offline 0

      Re: suicidal

      Tue, October 30, 2007 - 9:29 AM
      I'm sorry i haven't been around., Things get worse before they get better right? My family threw my boyfriend out,. We're staying in their in law apartment that they own. Now things are so much worse, herpes and all. I can't breathe but i'm trying to take it one second at a time.

      Seeing a counselor is last on my list, i have to find a home for my family...
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