This columnist is great at giving it straight, but with the attitude to unzip our funny bones...

Thought I would share this one with you from 1999.

Hey, Faggot:I am a 19-year-old male. Three months ago I began going out with my best friend of three years. Just before we started dating, she told me she has genital herpes. I love her, so I am staying with her. My chances of catching herpes from her seem slim, and we use as much protection as we can. She takes Valtrex twice a day, and has not had an outbreak since her first. She had two boyfriends between me and the guy who gave her herpes, and she didn't tell them about her condition. They had unprotected sex numerous times, and neither contracted herpes from her (so far as we know). We NEVER have sex without a condom and a spermicide, and I always wash my genitals after sex (herpes.com says soap and water kills herpes germs).

Nevertheless, I live in fear. Every time I feel a slight ache in my groin, I rush to a bathroom to check myself. I have been to the clinic twice thinking I had it. I won't drop the love of my life, especially when so many relationships like ours have worked out fine (with the uninfected partner never catching herpes). I know you can't tell me I won't ever catch herpes (which is really what I want to hear), but what are my chances of catching it under these circumstances? And how best to deal with this psychologically speaking?

signed: Confused

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Hey, C:
Your chances of catching herpes from your girlfriend, under your circumstances, are pretty slight. But low as they are, there is still a chance. Psychologically speaking, you can obsess about the tiny risk you're taking, letting it ruin your life and your relationship, or you can accept the risk, continue to take precautions, and make up your mind to stop being such a paranoid dope. After all, what are you so afraid of? Herpes is, hysteria aside, a relatively minor problem in the lives of the vast majority of people who "suffer" from it.

If you do get infected, you'll have a treatable, though not curable, sexually transmitted disease that tens of millions of other Americans "suffer" from. Most infected people show no symptoms, and most don't know they have it. For herpes "sufferers" who do experience symptoms, the inconvenience of the disease--the occasional outbreak--is often less stressful than time spent coddling paranoid lovers who fear herpes out of all proportion to the actual impact it has on your life.

Think about it: Your girlfriend, a herpes "sufferer," had one outbreak, and takes two pills a day. That's it, that's the total physical impact herpes has on her. Psychologically speaking, however, she's had to come to grips with having an STD for the rest of her life, deal with the guilt of not informing her boyfriends prior to you, and now she has to live with a boyfriend who jumps out of bed and boils his dick immediately after sex. Her psychological suffering is greater than the physical suffering, dontcha think?

While I'm not recommending you or anyone else intentionally contract herpes--and you should continue to take reasonable precautions--I don't know what you're so afraid of.



www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove