Hmmm...this is an interesting post jeff. Because, I was just thinking the same thing last night. I am married, have a great husband, but I have very very friends and we have a limited social life. Last night my husband was talking to a friend and the friend had to run to go to a dinner party. I realize, geez it has been forever since we have been at a dinner party. I use to have a life (I was married/divorced to a politician many yrs ago) where I was constantly at such events. I never really liked them mostly because I didn't feel like I fit in. It seemed so...well not real.

After that period I spent many years alone, hard to find friends or even a relationship...just never seemed to jell with anyone. I finally met my husband and it was so comfortable, wonderful, blissful and easy all at the same time.

But now I yearn for close friends and social interaction... it is just hard to find.

Unlike you, I am not around folks that are spiritual so this may be why I have a hard time finding these people.

But where there may be some common thread...

It may be a fear of expanding the comfort zone. And not in the usual sense. For me at least, I am uncomfortable with what I perceive to be superficial, one demensional interactions...the very same interactions that most people feel comfortable with. So, unlike most folks, I feel way more comfortable in honest, open, deep discussions...things dinner parties are not made of. However, in sum, I am just like the folks that don't want to expand and explore the deep edges...I don't want to expand and get comfortable with the simple social chatting.

Anyway, not sure if this helps at all, just thought it was a interesting my feelings and your post were on the same wave link, so I thought i would chime in to see if i could help.

I'm similar to your description. I think because we're healers we know the dark side of people, and I know it's true of me, maybe for you, that I am trepedacious of getting close to people because of how crazy they may prove to be, even YEARS and YEARS later, and how much they can potentially damage my spirit. At this point in my life I would rather grow a successful career and give love in some way back to society on a grander scale, so I guess I feel that it's my path to slog it alone.

i have very few friends....a number of acquaintances, but i don't share everything with them (i only share what i'm comfortable sharing with my good friends).

after realizing i was in a pattern of abusive relationships, i just took a break from it for a looooonnnnnnng time to reframe my ideas of what was attractive to me.

being empathetic means i pick up on other people's stuff, so the level of honesty they have about owning their stuff (not fixing it, just owning it) is key for me. it's one of the reasons why my family are more baggage than not....a lack of honesty about what's really going on (and wearing a lot of happy masks while judging other people....a long story).

my experience is that it doesn't take that many good friends to know one's appreciated. it's just a matter of finding the right ones for you ;-).

and they're out there....my take has been....be the person i'd want to be friends with, and it seems to work in attracting more honest people (not a lot of them, but then....don't need a lot to make a lot of difference ;-)).

Hi Jeff,

The "relationship thing" you're trying to figure out is a common theme with a lot of guys I know. I have many questions, but perhaps what you have written is just enough information for me to form an opinion that I must of course base on my own experiences.

In the past I believe I felt similar to the way you do, I had lots of friends (that is, acquaintances), only one or two really good friends, and was generally well-liked by everyone around me. But I saw a lot of people around me getting into relationships (or maybe they were already in a relationship when I met them), and they seemed to be happier as a result. So I tried it a few times, and like yours, my relationships were short-lived, as I too found a reason to bail. I think I was sabotaging those relationships deliberately, but it would have been on a subconscious level.

Later I began realizing that I was choosing people I was fairy certain would not want something long-term. Finally it dawned on me -- I was doing the "relationship thing" because I thought it was the thing to do, when in actuality, I really didn't want anyone to come into my life and mess it up. I was already living the way I wanted to, coming and going as I pleased, you get the idea. In fact, I wasn't even lonely, although like you, I thought I might have been shortchanging myself, or simply missing out on "something".

Now this may not apply to you, but let me say that the only thing I was really missing out on was enjoying the single life for fear that the grass "might" be greener on the other side. I let go of that notion and it was my choice, the right choice, to be happily single for about five years. Not only did I have the time of my life, but I think I grew more in that five years, doing what "I" wanted to do, getting to know the real "me", than in any other time in my life. And hey, I never knew how wonderful it was to really get to know myself. Yes, I made mistakes. And some mistakes were ones I would gladly repeat, if I knew I could get away with it. ;-)

It was when I stopped comparing myself to the standards of other people, of society, that I felt like I wasn't missing out on anything because I was fulfilled by doing my own things (which frequently did involve social situations). And that time of growing and self-acceptance, that "me-time", was what prepared me to be truly ready when an opportunity for a relationship would come. But I have always known, if I were ever to get in a relationship, that it better not feel like some sort of miserable prison-trap.

Today, I am in a relationship, but we do not live together. We each have our own separate lives that constantly and continuously overlap with each other. More specifically, we did not compromise our identities or give up on certain ways of living, certain lifestyles, that we had before we met each other. Yes, we have committed as far as fidelity goes, but we let each other be who they already were and always have been. It might not work for everyone, but it works for us so well that it actually keeps us together and happy. We always work together and help each other out, we are like a team of two friends with benefits. I wouldn't have it any other way.

It wasn't until I was in my early thirties that I actually believed I could have such a relationship. I had been brought up to believe that there was only one "right" way to have one, but all that rubbish has been dismissed from my life.

Don't sit there believing you are inept with social interaction -- what, are you comparing yourself to others? Couldn't it simply be that the way other people socially interact isn't the way "you" need to? I can carry on a conversation with the best of them. But for me, it is far more satisfying to be around only one or two good friends at a time, having a sincere and genuine exchange (over dinner? over the phone?), so that I am not overstimulated. You don't need to expand your comfort zone if you don't want to, but it helps to understand how a limited comfort zone also limits your potential to feel comfortable.

Here's food for thought. If you are uncomfortable at certain types of social gatherings, then chances are the type of person whom you may be compatible with may also be uncomfortable there; and so perhaps that is not the type of situation you would find a potential partner. But, it never hurts to go a little outside of yourself sometimes. :-) Envision the best case scenario for yourself, something that would truly make you feel that life is totally worth living. Envision it every day, and allow it to evolve over time. Resist the temptation to judge yourself, just let yourself "be" yourself. You're a great guy. :-) Good luck.