<it's a whole other debate about if therapists jobs are just to listen and be patient. I went through lots of listen therapists and found a couple who challenged me on things and they were better for me. I may become a life coach , which is more about getting up and taking action than just listening,>

I didn't mean to imply that therapists should JUST listen. The better ones guide, too, but it's very gentle and very subtle. The first therapist I went to was basically a nice person, but she was also very judgmental. I did some healing with her, but it was very incomplete. She offered some good insights, but she also was capital J judgmental. It was very difficult being with her, espeically when I felt she was wrong but I didn't know how to assert myself. So she helped me but she also kind of screwed me up. She did help me to grow, and I'll always be grateful to her for that, but, boy, the way I also got messed up was very hard to overcome.

And we all have baggage. And so we need to be aware of what is our baggage and maybe projecting onto someone else and what is the other person's baggage.

< I know I want them to deal with whatever it is that makes it hard for me to be close to them.>

Careful here. Can't be about what YOU want. Has to be what THEY want. But, as you say, later in your post, you are pretty self-aware of your own issues. We all want the people in our lives to be functional human beings, but we need to remember that ultimately if they choose to work on something it's for themselves first and others second.

Meanwhile... don't think of good listening as secondary to taking action. Depending on the situation, action might require more process or it might require less process. For me, slow and steady wins the race. For others, might be to decide and do. Each person and each situation will be different. Quick action isn't always the best action. Sometimes that is exactly what is needed.