Hi Stacia

thanks for your thoughts. I am not sure if I feel used by some of the people that have come and gone from my life in the past. Rather for me it has been a feeling of not being able to cope with their particular challenges emotionally- just as I am sure people have chosen not to be around me for that reason as well. I don't have patience or tolerance on a social level for some of the dysfunction that seems to be rampant in the way people relate to each other. Dishonesty and passive aggressiveness abound in this culture and I don't like to relate to folks who relate to me that way.
My own propensity for speaking my truth has put many people off from me and sometimes I wish I were different cause I don't mean to be off putting. I try to think before I speak but many times I say what I think and then regret it. The critic in me that shouts to me of my own inadequacies sometimes surfaces about others even if I don't mean to hurt them with it.
I have had some folks use me in some ways and when I stop letting them, they disappear from my life- good riddance to them anyhow!
Actually I have been contemplating planning a retreat in the woods for myself for my 53rd birthday this September. I know what you mean about the woods being nurturing.
Thanks again for answering- I really needed some folks who understood to reach out to me and let me know that I have people in cyberspace who can relate
Jill

thanks for your thoughts Jeff. I have actually felt like this off and on since I was 4 years old (at least that is when I first remember this feeling). My mother put me outside so she could hang with her girlfriend and my sibs were away at school. We lived in the city of LA and it was never safe. I was molested more than once as a child cause my mom did not want to bother with making sure I was safe before she had her 'playtime'
I have always felt on the outside of the general human race. My patients love my healing and empathy- I get cards from some that I have treated ages ago and many have told me how much they appreciate my kindness, empathy and intelligence. One patient tells me that if she listens to what I say, she gets better. If only I had the strength in me to listen to myself and know that I am not alone, etc. I always tell others to look within themselves to find healing and that their relationship with themselves and the divine is the most sacred and helpful relationship they can have. Even if you have people in your life that are or have been supportive- stuff happens and people go out of your life for one reason or another. If you have that divine relationship- you can go on. I KNOW that yet lately can't seem to catch hold of the brass ring myself.
My therapist is a very special person and I value our relationship a lot. He is also an astrologist and has studied Jungian analysis as well as being a spiritual guide himself. It is not him that makes me feel that you don't take it home with you. What I meant by that comment is that although he cares on a level that is safe for him- all of us have to have boundaries or we would quickly burn out- I miss having someone in my life that cares because they choose to and I have meaning for them on a daily basis.
I thought I had reached the bottom of the abyss a while ago but it seems that I have further to fall down this rabbit hole. Maybe I will catch myself and maybe I won't. Only time will tell.
Thanks for taking the time to respond.
Jill