Sometimes when we're temporarily crippled, we need a crutch.

re: "Does any of this hypothesizing sound valid or feasible?"

If doing so puts your own mind at peace, it may have validity. When we do not -- or cannot -- know the true nature of someone else's problems or struggles, especially those we have formed close bonds with, we can easily be distracted by the anxiety of not knowing and overlook our own needs.

It also may be feasible that your ex may be -- in using this typology -- attempting to stabilize her ego structure after a trauma. This can provide temporary benefit from what she may feel as excessive cognitive dissonance. As for accepting who she really is, that may require higher degrees of self-honesty and commitment than she may be currently ready for.

I think everything tends to fall into place in its own time; true growth rarely results from external pressure or coersion.

I think "I am not terminally unique" is an awakening to many that can't see their way out of a predicament their own psychological constitution seems to doom them to, especially those that have previously spurned any kind of help. This seems true of addicts that suddenly become twelve-step zealots: they don't do so at first because they want to get well, but because they discover there are other people similarly sick. If the qualities of a certain type are your ex's "predicament", then it is probably good that she can categorize herself to identify with other people in that "predicament" that somehow survive and function, but in order to do so she has to so categorize others.

It sounds like something that will pass, or at least fade into the background.

Hi Thurman!

MMmmmm... I am going to speculate some, just to stoke the fire and generate thought and conversation, then VJ may come along behind me and disown me for doing it (ha!). I am sorry, I do know and understand you must be going through some pain right now, and coping of your own. I visted your profile. AND I DO invite Vicky Jo to weigh in. This is REALLY her field, and she is very good.

To put you at ease, let me tell you a little about myself, and share with you how I have used personality type in my own, personal life.

First, I too am going through a divorce right now. I got into Type a few years ago, and mostly used it in my professional life as a tool for my professional development, as well as personal development. The tool I originally used it for was as an analytical FILTERED LENSE, to understand "how things are". I use the analogy of a LENSE because, like any tool, it is NOT an end-all, be-all. It has certain advantages, and the advantages from Keirsey's book (a beginning level dealing with Temperament, which is really a different spin on Type) is that the structure allows me to see a certain "Type/Temprament" of person in relief against other "Types/Tempraments" of people. Particularly in their characteristics of their behaviors, which stem from their value systems and preferences... WHILE AT REST. And this is really Key. AT REST means that, when all is still in your life, and there is low pressure on you, what thought patterns do you PREFER. This is important because when under stress, we can behave in DRAMATICALLY different ways, and Keirsey's Static results model falls apart, and goes into the trash. Until we are at rest, again. This is where Vicky Jo really shines, because she is MUCH more equipped to look into which processes are being activated, and how they are interacting both with the developed hierachial processes within the indiviual, AND against Other people's processes in the external world. Her methods enable her a lense to see dynamically, when the chaos of life is in motioin, not just statically, when we are able to choose our favored preferences for dealing with life. Temprament, which is what Keirsey promotes, is rooted in behavior, which is directly observable, versus Type [and when I say Type, I am refering to the Personality Type which the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) tries to measure], which is rooted in PREFERENCE of thought patterns, which is really not directly obervable.

Now, I call this LENSE a FILTERED one because to see the color of light coming though, we have SUPRESSED other features. These features have been supressed by placing people into boxes (in the static boxes) or reducing people to a series of hierarcheal modes of function (in the dynamic processes). It allows us a tool to look at some very interesting truths, but at a cost. We are giving up seeing other things that are there. This is also where Vicky Jo's method shines, because she uses different methods (different filters) to capture more information about a person from different angles (or different colors of light, if you want to keep with the analogy).

So, we've established WHAT the tools ARE (somewhat). YOU want to know,

"How is my ex-wife using this?--
1. As a coping mechanism to
(a) find similar types as her
and/or
(b) to help her with personal identity issues"

Does that about sum it up?

First, let me ask this. What TYPE is your ex-wife? Do you *KNOW*, or is it self-professed by *HER*? Did she TEST, or just test herself? (It won't keep me from shooting off some hypothesis to you, but the method may be important if VJ decides to weigh in with her 98.5 cents) Also, how old is your wife?

So, these are some of my thoughts, and they are ALL seperate paths to consider:

1. I know that midlife is typically when we begin to "grow" into our 4th Process. This is typically experienced in a negative way, first, until we work with it and mature it. Some people never mature it.

"...We often experience it first in its negative aspect of projecting our “shoulds,” fears, and negativities onto others. The qualities of these fears reflect the process that plays this role, and we are more likely to look immature when we engage in the process that plays this role." There is often a fairly high energy cost for using it—even when we acquire the skill to do so. As we learn to trust it and develop it, the aspirational role process provides a bridge to balance in our lives. Often our sense of purpose, inspiration, and ideals have the qualities of the process that plays this role."-- I read this somewhere, and I cannot recall the name of the author, but I do believe VJ knows her.

So. Yes. Not given any more infomration than we have (like the type of your ex-wife, her age, and any other stresses in her life), it is POSSIBLE that your wife is using Personality Type as a means to grow into and understand herself (and others). Particularly if her 4th process is Ne (Interpreting situations and relationships; picking up meanings and interconnections; being drawn to change “what is” for “what could possibly be”; noticing what is not said and threads of meaning emerging across multiple contexts.), Ti (Analyzing; categorizing; evaluating according to principles and whether something fits the framework or model; figuring out the principles on which something works; checking for inconsistencies; clarifying definitions to get more precision.), or Fi (Valuing; considering importance and worth; reviewing for incongruity; evaluating something based on the truths on which it is based; clarifying values to achieve accord; deciding if something is of significance and worth standing up for.)

So, this is ONE scenerio, and could also quite likely be WRONG, since I am considering that she is using these functions in a negative way, or at least in an amatuerish/childish way (after all, as VJ pointed out, MANY people use Personality Type incorrectly). BUT, it does raise a POSSIBILITY, doesn't it? And that is what you asked for.

2. In my personal life, as I have gone through my divorce, I have used it to find other people that I think may be be better mates down the road, find the type of friends I want, and to understand and pinpoint where the stresses might have been in MY marraige. It is VERY important to understand that I HAVE NOT USED TYPE AS A BASIS TO DISSOLVE MY MARRIAGE. I would never do that. Instead, it was the realization that things were NOT going to change, the terms under which she wanted to stay together were NOT acceptable to me, and for my own long-term well being, I had to move on. I am an INTJ, with highly developed feeling and perceiving functions. I feel comfortable using Type as "a way of looking at things," and I do not feel that I abuse it. Maybe your ex-wife is the same or similar, in which case, she would not be using it as a coping mechanism (I don't), but rather as useful tool or lense to search for new friendships, and explore different levels of existing ones. I do not know. I use talking to people and "connecting" with them as a coping mechanism... and other xNxx's are USUALLY preferred with me. I do NOT turn down a GOOD conversation with ANYONE. No, I have not abused Type. I have merely made the connection (different than "connecting") that these people TEND to be ones I can communicate with on a deeper level-- some emotionally, some cerebrally. Because after I learned how to indentify them, and find them, I HAVE EXPERIENCED THE MUTUAL CONNECTIONS we can offer one another. It has been a wonderful growing experience for me, and VJ was part of that experience for me (Sorry VJ, I really don't know how you feel about all of this, I am just stating what I know to be true).

In this case, if your ex-wife is the same or similar to my experience, I don't know that she would have necessarily used it as a coping mechanism as much as a tool to find those she could "connect" with, and use those relationships to cope her issues.

Please note the difference in what you have asked (assuming I stated it correctly above) and what I have answered.

You have assumed that your ex-wife uses personality type as a coping mechanism to find similar types as her and/or to help her deal with her personal issues.

I am saying in the above scenerio, that she may be using personality type to FIND similar people as her, and her COPING MECHANISM is "Connecting" with them so that they may also be helping her deal with her issues, NOT using PERSONALITY TYPE as you have suggested, which is the other way around.

3. What are the exact Stresses in your ex-wife's life just before (or ongoing several year prior up to) her leaving and using Personality Type in the way you have perceived her using it? In this scenerio, there can be some other Dynamics happening that VJ would REALLY be better equipped to help you explore than me.

Now, I have not specifically answered your question with a definitive answer, but I have presented you with some POSSIBILITIES to consider while thinking about her behavior, and the causes of it. I would not even BEGIN to attempt to nail her down, nor your situation. I simply am not qualified, nor experienced enough.

VJ is experienced enough. You will have to ask her about her qualifications. Also, if she reads this, she will want to make some corrections and add her own insights. And I would welcome that.

I sincerely hope I have helped you. I do very much feel your pain, as I am not having a good time of it either.

Take care!

Thurman....

I'm in a training program this weekend for coaches, so of course I'm in that mindset. (I think that's a good thing..... ;-)

Sooooo....... with that particular frame as a context, could you ask her? Just ask her. In a nontriggered, nonjudgmental way, of course.

It sounds to me like you could, because I hear some sympathy/empathy/understanding in what I sense as a "tone" to your message that she is *coping* with it. That's a very sensitive place to start from. So I'm wondering if you were a "tourist" in this strange "land" of type whether you might say, "How does this type business benefit you? What does it provide you with?" Be careful to navigate so that she doesn't "indoctrinate" -- gently steer away from that -- and keep coming back to the question, "How does it empower you?" (with no judgment, no irritation) Get really CURIOUS.

How does this idea land.....?

PS: I'll try to respond to other items next week when I catch up.