I'm on sabbatical.

But someone who shall remain nameless, one of the otherwise unoccupied 8 people who actually read what I write has compiled my accumulated wisdom. So here it is, this should keep you busy for a while.



"Many are the paths that lead to learning. Some involve books, some involve direct experience and some involve cheap whiskey, the ample thighs of a willing woman and a rickety old Volkswagen.

"To choose is to prune the branches of the Tree of Life. Do it wisely so that most of the crap falls on you neighbor's backyard."

"I tried being myself too for a while, but being Fiasco is a life of recurring toil and petrifying boredom. So now I decided I am Frankenstein Jones instead. Where can I find a weasel?"

"Marzipan does not taste like shit. Shit tastes like shit. Other products containing mercaptans may taste like shit. But Marzipan does not contain mercaptans, unless you are doing something really wrong. Try adding Worcestershire sauce to it, it vastly improves the taste of almost anything, including shit. "

"When I see "San Francisco" and my ass being underutilized in the same phrase, I get worried."

"Diacritical marks, as Fernet Branca and subtitles in movies, are an acquired taste. Why, without diacritical marks people start doing things like coming up with intelligent design or listening to talk radio. Leave it for the civilized rest of the world who uses diacritical marks to keep the flame alight."

"Do unto others before they do unto you."

"Khakistan. It's a sorry excuse of a country inhabited by software salespeople and Mormons. The week consists of a single day called "Casual Friday".

"I also speak Portuguese, Cholo and Bedroom French."

"The Brazilian Asstronaut will live on, for he is to the Buzzcocks what the newcomers are to Blink 182."

"The other thing you could try is to put on "Leonard Cohen's Saddest Songs, Vol. 4" and sit by the window looking out wistfully while alternating deep sighing with long stares at the box of barbiturates. That never fails to brighten up my day."

"Basketball is played by some really tall people and I mean, they're big. I think they're going back to leather balls these days and they're all happy, the synthetic stuff just didn't do it for them, they really really wanted to throw around the inflated hides of deceased cows. Looking back into the depths of my youth, I remember when I lived in Boston and the Celtics went to the Super Bowl, that was pretty awesome. But they lost to the Yankees, and that was a bummer. I think that was when Wayne Gretzky was still playing. "

"Dr. Fiasco looks upon those who sleep on air mattresses much in the same way the Pope looks at non-catholics, that is, with feigned tolerance and an invitation to dialogue while at the same time knowing sooner or later they're going to get what's coming to them... Finally, Dr. Fiasco does not usually refer to himself in the third person, but prefers that people avoid looking at him directly."

"Brazilian Inflation is as dated as Wang Chung. That's an 80's thing. Once we figured out we could make money exporting wax jobs and large derrières, prosperity has knocked on our door like a crazed gorilla during mating season. Which is why we're all locked inside the bathroom."

"Chicken John Rinaldi, the illegitimate child of mythical creature Larry Harvey Rinaldi (also known as "Larry") and Dignidad Sanchez, a Las Vegas-based Nicaraguan chamber maid, invented Porn-eoke, Gravity and Rock'n'roll, not necessarily in this order.

Chicken John Rinaldi is also featured in the United Nations List of Failed States, where he ranks as "not as bad as Somalia, but somewhat worse than Haiti."

"Indian names that sound Indian but are really not:

Car crash Subramanian
Garage Gupta
Delete Patel
Bantam Srinivasan
Papaya Ghandi
Car Wash Ghoswami
Sixpak Chopra"

"You'll have to ask that question to a Mexican from Peru."