Ok, I am new at this, and I am going to venture out on a limb here. It seems to me the only way I am going to get *in* to the lifestyle is through someone in the rooms. And when I say into the lifestyle, I don't necessarily mean the scene like dungeons, and clubs, and munches, and parties. I mean like into a kinky relationship. It seems to me that if two people are kinky, they are going to find each other, just like the alcoholic and the codependent always find each other. But don't you think that other people in the rooms would notice that there is "something going on" if something were to "go on"? All this is just hypothetical and speculation, kind of like feeling things out. I have more questions about being kinky itself, but I think I will throw those out there for now and see how they fare.
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Re: Meetings someone in meetings and talking about the lifestyle?
Fri, February 29, 2008 - 8:40 AMUsing meetings as a dating service is pretty risky. It's like going to the produce section in the grocery store to buy bruised fruit. O as I often remind my sponsees - the odds are good but the goods are odd. Trust me, I'm a decorated veteran of dating in the rooms. Conversely you may be surprised that if you focus on recovery, fellowship and giving it back that you'll pretty amazingly draw people to you who are walking the same path - including the kinky path. Connecting on a spiritual basis makes all the difference. The foundation means that however the tryst evolves, they arent my higher power.
You also may be surprised to discover just how many people in the fellowship you'll find at playspaces, munches, etc. That may be an even more fluid path to follow than seeking in AA/NA first. -
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Re: Meetings someone in meetings and talking about the lifestyle?
Fri, February 29, 2008 - 2:16 PMAs I stated, I am neither dating nor seeking, I just happened to meet someone in the rooms who is a dominant whom I have been discussing sadomasochism with, that's all. Now, this person happens to be younger than me and that's tripping me up. What do you think of this, a younger dominant male and an older submissive female? Also, he has less time in the rooms than me, way less. At any rate, neither of us are interested in dating at this point nor are seeking, just to put your mind at rest! -
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Re: Meetings someone in meetings and talking about the lifestyle?
Fri, February 29, 2008 - 2:49 PMHahaha!! Believe me, I'm the VERY last person to judge on this topic. Just sharing my experience. As far as the younger/older bit goes - there's no accounting for chemistry. If anything chemistry is a power greater than me. Ya know the cautionary tale about 13th stepping or oldtimers preying on newcomers? What they dont tell ya is that's for the safety of the oldtimer. Newcomers still have little or no connection to spirit or feelings yet and quite often can run game that the softer oldtimer cant keep up with. The oldtimer is often the one that gets shredded in those situations.
As far as simply socializing and networking goes; who cares, as long as I'm clear about my own motives and intentions. Enjoy! -
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Re: Meetings someone in meetings and talking about the lifestyle?
Fri, February 29, 2008 - 2:58 PMWell if the newcomer is very spiritually advanced? Anyways, don't worry, I believe the whole group is in agreement that me and this newcomer can spend time together, chaperoned. I hate chemistry though. Especially being submissive, it drives me crazy. I feel dominated by my own desire to submit, if that makes any sense at all. Its like it drives me to seek out a dominant against my will, since my will desires to be celibate and single for now. Its those old sexual instincts rearing their head again. -
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Re: Meetings someone in meetings and talking about the lifestyle?
Fri, February 29, 2008 - 3:00 PMhmmm, what group? -
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Re: Meetings someone in meetings and talking about the lifestyle?
Fri, February 29, 2008 - 3:48 PMHi shan... nice to meet you. Again, I am not willing to reveal the name of the group in public, but I am finding out that I know more kinky friends of bill w. than I thought. Its kind of queer, but oh well, miracles never cease, right? This is an issue of double anonymity, so I am very anxious at following protocol here. What is protocol regarding the double anonymity of being kinky and being a friend of bill w.? -
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Re: Meetings someone in meetings and talking about the lifestyle?
Fri, February 29, 2008 - 4:16 PMWhat, no one's told you the secret handshake yet?
My question about what group is conducting group conscience about who may fraternize was entirely rhetorical pixie. Though I find the concept entirely bizarre and well outside the realm of the 3rd tradition.
Actually I havent found it all too unusual at all to find recovery and kink overlapping. We do tend to savor escapisms in all their plumage. Not the least of which is sex. (YAY sex!!) We find solace in the extremes...
Finding our way with the principles within bdsm is a great journey and not mutually exclusive. -
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Re: Meetings someone in meetings and talking about the lifestyle?
Fri, February 29, 2008 - 4:23 PMThere is no group conscience. I didn't raise this issue on a group level. I discussed it with my sponsor, and his sponsor, and my girl friends. He doesn't have a year yet, I have over two years. In a year, who knows, but for now, supervised visits. I am very nervous on the internet, I have had very bad experiences with the kinky people who are not friends of bill w. and am very protective of my own anonymity as a result. There are some kinky people on tribe who bad mouth me, but that is a matter for private messaging, not group discussion.
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Re: Meetings someone in meetings and talking about the lifestyle?
Fri, February 29, 2008 - 4:42 PMhiya miss pixi, nice to meet you too. the name of the specific group isn't really the point either of os was making. the traditions were more to the point of there are no "people with the power to give permission" in aa. i guess the way it was worded is what scared me. having a conversation with your respective sponcers about the situation looking for guidance is one thing, but ultimatly the decision is between the 2 consenting adults involved. i would be very leary of anyone telling me i had to have a chaparone or telling me what i can and can't do.
we have steps and traditions to guied our behavior. -
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Re: Meetings someone in meetings and talking about the lifestyle?
Sat, March 1, 2008 - 8:06 PMThe man is younger than me, and a newcomer, and we are both celibate, so its not an issue right now. Its just a matter of personal chemistry whenever I see this younger man and I am trying to resist it. He is more tolerant of it than I am, I can't stand my attraction to him and I am fighting it with all my might. He attracts a lot of women, he is very handsome and very smart, yet he is not interested in them. I find him... different. I don't trust him, because what I perceive about him, is different then what he is telling me about himself. I have to give it time. -
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This is the maximum depth. Additional responses will not be threaded.
Re: Meetings someone in meetings and talking about the lifestyle?
Sun, March 2, 2008 - 9:46 AMHahaha!! I think you just described me 10 years ago. Trust that gut feeling, oh little moth. The flame is intriguing, yes. But it burns. You're good to play the JAFO (Just A Fucking Observer) and watch how he treats those around him. Rest assured he'll treat you just the same, be it good or bad. Paying attention to that gut and your draw to him will tell you amazing things - about yourself. My mistake is when I think my feelings tell me about you. -
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Re: Meetings someone in meetings and talking about the lifestyle?
Sun, March 2, 2008 - 2:28 PMYes somebody recently likened me to moth, if not him. See my feelings say one thing, his words about himself say another. Now I feel about him is accurate for me. I hear him say that he is indifferent to females, but I see him attracting females and talking to females. My feelings tell me he is trying to seduce them. I see him offer some female a ride when she is coming to be picked up and when I ask him where his sponsor is because I need a ride to a meeting tomorrow, he doesn't even offer me a ride.
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Re: Meetings someone in meetings and talking about the lifestyle?
Fri, February 29, 2008 - 3:03 PM<< Well if the newcomer is very spiritually advanced?>>
Isnt that sort of an oxymoron?
<< Anyways, don't worry, I believe the whole group is in agreement that me and this newcomer can spend time together, chaperoned. >>
Now *THAT* statement makes me worry!! What group is this? -
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Re: Meetings someone in meetings and talking about the lifestyle?
Fri, February 29, 2008 - 3:46 PMI am not willing to reveal its name in public but if you want me to reveal it to you in private messaging in personal confidence, send me a message. I don't see why it matters. Its a group of people who are friends of bill w. -
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Re: Meetings someone in meetings and talking about the lifestyle?
Mon, March 3, 2008 - 8:55 PM
I have to completely agree with GansterBoyscout's first post. In my first two years, I 'dated' extensively with in the program. I'm very grateful I stayed sober though those days the drama was way too high. I still run into an ex from those days every now and then at an AA club here and am grateful we both made it in spite of each other. My sponsor would say things like- there aren't any gems in the junkyard- two halves wouldn't make a whole- and the goods are odds.... I didn't see till later that I certainly wasn't a gem either.
One problem with early recovery(under 5 years) relationships is the growth rate is phenomenal if you are working a program. A person today will be quite different from the same person in six months- A couple of rounds through the steps and my life was completely reinvented. If your other half is not progressing the same speed and direction things get uncomfortable quickly-been there way too many times. Then you end with the messy program 'divorce', who gets what meeting and the dividing of the friends.
That being said I find that recently I have playing with a number of people from the program that I met through the kink scene. One goes to a lot of the meetings I went to before I moved and knows a lot of the program people I know well- met through her friend in the scene. I don't know if it will go any where long term(she has hooked up with her previous master), if it doesn't but my presence helps/ed her to stay sober and find a bit more more sanity in this world that's cool too.
I can't tell you what to do- I would suggest at bare minimum setting up a safe call and taking the same precautions you would with an internet stranger if you choose to go there... -
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Re: Meetings someone in meetings and talking about the lifestyle?
Mon, March 3, 2008 - 9:26 PMWell this younger man knows nothing about BDSM, but he knows about D/s. I have been in recovery for 15 years, I started out in CODA as a teenager. I have been sober 2+ years and clean from marijuana since at least 2004 if not 2003...
Like I said, when I told him I was kinky he told me to look on Craig's list, but we kind of have this insulting relationship already. I am a switch actually and he tells me when I am dominating him. This is all emotional, mental and spiritual... Its fun.
I have never gone anywhere with anyone kinky, if you get my drift. This is all new to me. I ventured into phone kink and meeting someone once was when I was a teen, but it never went anywhere physical.
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