http://tribes.tribe.net/limerence/thread/62e48dae-5b17-4e50-bd1c-bac4fbbbebc1?format=rss Tribe.net. Local Connections http://tribes.tribe.net/thread/62e48dae-5b17-4e50-bd1c-bac4fbbbebc1#9135ab30-24a2-4d1a-aae8-2c54a1798e24 PS. I forgot to mention that at about the same time, I dug into the whole Catcher In The Rye metaphor too. The reason I think that I feel so protective of my LO is that I ended up being the man of the house at a very young age. My mother was emotionally fragile for many years and I took on the role of being "the protector" - a source of emotional strength. That whole dynamic permeates most of my relationships with the opposite sex. Mon, 28 Jan 2008 21:47:59 GMT http://tribes.tribe.net/thread/62e48dae-5b17-4e50-bd1c-bac4fbbbebc1#9135ab30-24a2-4d1a-aae8-2c54a1798e24 Meowbie 2008-01-28T21:47:59Z http://tribes.tribe.net/thread/62e48dae-5b17-4e50-bd1c-bac4fbbbebc1#e9db6c3f-5044-4c26-9ef2-1b079cd4321a I can't help but join my friends ABH, Orange and BFG on this one (it's no coincidence we are all on the same thread!). I'm friends with my LO too, and that certainly hasn't been as easy road. In my case, I had two things in my favour. One was that I had been working on my emotional issues solidly for about a year, and I had been developing a new circle of friends. The second was a period of NC when my LO left work - I had about 6 weeks away from her. When she came back into my life back in April, I was more willing to treat her purely as a friend rather than a prospective romantic partner. That's not to say that limerence didn't poke its head in sometimes, and it still does to tell you the truth. But somehow I learned to relax with her and just enjoy the friendship. It's become so good ever since. Something that used to trigger me with her was that she doesn't touch me. I grew up with an emotionally distant mother, so I crave touch. When I took my LO out on outings, I noticed how she wouldn't hug me. That killed me! I would drive home in tears. I learned to accept this about her and have compassion for her. More recently, I started dating again and that seems to have made up for the missing stuff now. Actually, all that stuff wasn't the reason I wanted to chime in. The real reason was that the other day, when I was a few days off from my first real date, I was sitting in a restaurant with my ex-wife. I started crying and I couldn't stop! At first I didn't understand what was going on ... it had something to do with the date I was anticipating. Turns out I was crying because I felt like I was abandoning my LO! I felt like I had such an affinity for her, and I always thought I would be there to catch her when she fell (like Salinger's Catcher in the Rye, a powerful metaphor for me). I cried most of the night. My ex and I talked a lot about where all this pain came from and what it symbolised. I discovered that I identified so heavily with my LO because I saw so much of myself in her. She was like my female counterpart - no wonder I thought of her as my soulmate! Anyway, it won't surprise anyone to hear that my major childhood issue was abandonment - my father left home when I was 7. So you can imagine how direct and painful this concept all was. (I think I also now understand why I cry like a baby at the *start* of Bridge To Terabithia!) On the upside, I finally worked up the courage to tell my LO that she was one of my favourite people in the world. And she has been telling me how much fun she has with me when we go out, so it all seems to be going well. I accept it as a friendship for now, and it goes where it goes. I hate giving advice these days, I really do. I would only offer to you that the thing that made the most difference to me was enlarging my circle of friends. Even if they are just net-buddies, that's still good enough if you have a strong enough connection with them. Hope you find a way through all of this to the other side of limerence, Dick. You are a lovely, sensitive guy who could make a girl very happy! :) Mon, 28 Jan 2008 21:35:27 GMT http://tribes.tribe.net/thread/62e48dae-5b17-4e50-bd1c-bac4fbbbebc1#e9db6c3f-5044-4c26-9ef2-1b079cd4321a Meowbie 2008-01-28T21:35:27Z http://tribes.tribe.net/thread/62e48dae-5b17-4e50-bd1c-bac4fbbbebc1#42c13bd8-cf63-4e8c-9910-e75ae509710f will be happy to share what I can, but I want to preface it by saying my usual - limerence affects us all differently. I have a pretty unique relationship with my (ex)LO - we are friends, close friends (well as close as he can manage anyway - part of the problem) , and I know it definitely wouldn't work for everyone. My experience is very similar to Orange's . I've been friends with my LO for well over 20 years now, but not limerent all that time - lather, rinse, repeat (love that !) . I joined tribe last April once I found out what I was going through had a name. I'm definitely not limerent anymore, and I don't let his inconsistent treatment of me throw me like I used to. I still try and be as good a friend to him as I can, and I'm always checking myself for signs of renewed limerence. I think the self-vigilance is the key to whether a friendship with an LO can be sucessful. There's a lot of self-honesty in there too - you have to be painfully honest with yourself when examining your feelings. Helpful, too, is having friends who understand limerence, and who you trust to honestly tell you if they think you're going off track. That's what I found on tribe, and that's the reason I'm able to say I really feel like I've turned the corner on it this time - this tribe has made all the difference. Keep talking it out with us, we're here for you ! Mon, 28 Jan 2008 17:00:06 GMT http://tribes.tribe.net/thread/62e48dae-5b17-4e50-bd1c-bac4fbbbebc1#42c13bd8-cf63-4e8c-9910-e75ae509710f bluegirl 2008-01-28T17:00:06Z http://tribes.tribe.net/thread/62e48dae-5b17-4e50-bd1c-bac4fbbbebc1#126acd62-1f30-47cf-bb98-fb622b279dac Dick, I'm friends with my LO, so here's my 2 cents. Like you, I went NC when it all got too painful. I got back in touch with my LO as soon as I thought I was over the hump. Pure addict behaviour, in hindsight: I sort of talked myself into it, the reasons being roughly the same as yours. (I was lonely. He's a friend. Not many people get me the same way as he does. And he had some trouble in his life, and I thought I could make him happy - the feeling of being needed and being able to help someone played a big part.) I really hope I'm wrong about this, but there is a good possibility that you're setting yourself up for another cycle of lather-rinse-repeat. It happened to me. Then again, after another round of renewed limerence, I was able to struggle my way out of it again. My LO's still not exactly on the same line with my other friends - I mean, I don't feel limerent anymore, and I'm not so sensitive to him and the way he treats me, nor vulnerable to feelings of rejection. He's a bit inconsistent with me, which used to drive me nuts - nowadays I can shrug it off, and also go for a long time without contact with him. I don't go mad obsessing about his motives and feelings anymore. I'm also actively looking for other people and things that make my life feel meaningful and enjoyable, as well as working on my self esteem. It all makes a huge difference. But I'm also constantly on the lookout for another upsurge of limerence, and if I ever detect one coming, I'll bail out immediately. I'm wondering if you will be able to do this again with your friend? Especially if the two of you grow close, platonically. Another thing is that it could turn out to be very upsetting for you if she finds someone else at some point, and gets as wrapped up in that new relationship as people tend to do. (It can be so in any close friendships, not necessarily limerent ones.) So, there are several emotional minefields you should be aware of. You're both single, so you're not risking hurting any other people, and I really understand the need to have close friends, so I wouldn't advise you against trying to have a normal friendship with your LO. Just... make sure you focus on other things, too. Stay alert. And do understand that it is OK to put yourself first. Good luck. Mon, 28 Jan 2008 16:20:01 GMT http://tribes.tribe.net/thread/62e48dae-5b17-4e50-bd1c-bac4fbbbebc1#126acd62-1f30-47cf-bb98-fb622b279dac Orange-colored noontime 2008-01-28T16:20:01Z http://tribes.tribe.net/thread/62e48dae-5b17-4e50-bd1c-bac4fbbbebc1#cd8f3f42-7c59-4d7e-a880-1e503effa7af Hi Dick, It does sound like you have made some progress, however, I personally would hesitate to undertake what you are contemplating. I think you need to continue to maintain that NC. Two months is not nearly enough time to be over it, even though its seems like it now. To me you are showing signs of falling back into wanting to feel that comfort that she brought you and if that is the case, you will be back at square one with all of this in no time. You said yourself that you at most feel a twinge. That is all it takes for it to revert back into full blown limerence. Don't feel like it is your responsibility to make HER life better. It is your responsibility to make YOUR life better. Only when you've accomplished that can you offer her the help and guidance you feel she needs. I hope that what I said is not too harsh, but I have concerns for you and your well being. I only share my opinnon and you can decide what is best for you. All My Best, ABH Mon, 28 Jan 2008 13:39:50 GMT http://tribes.tribe.net/thread/62e48dae-5b17-4e50-bd1c-bac4fbbbebc1#cd8f3f42-7c59-4d7e-a880-1e503effa7af A B H 2008-01-28T13:39:50Z http://tribes.tribe.net/thread/62e48dae-5b17-4e50-bd1c-bac4fbbbebc1#a3729b9c-57fe-4687-aefa-8588ee78fe92 I will let others with more experience than I comment in detail. I can only say that I tried what you did and I fooled myself for a long time that being friends was working for me, but in reality I was miserable and eventually moved back into NC. Of course, my LO valued the friendship because that is what my LO wants. I guess I thought that friendship would be better than nothing, but I don't believe that any more. I am really, really hoping your mileage may vary, but I am a bit concerned when I read that you have not filled the vold in your life with other people. Maybe other tribe members can share their experiences where they were able to resume friendships with their LO. If so, I would also be interested in learning from it, too. Dick, please keep us posted as you proceed. Mon, 28 Jan 2008 03:53:57 GMT http://tribes.tribe.net/thread/62e48dae-5b17-4e50-bd1c-bac4fbbbebc1#a3729b9c-57fe-4687-aefa-8588ee78fe92 CD 2008-01-28T03:53:57Z http://tribes.tribe.net/thread/62e48dae-5b17-4e50-bd1c-bac4fbbbebc1#d12c2fde-b5d5-4157-be7d-e43bba9a79b9 Well, it's been about two months since I broke contact with my LO and I'm going to get right to the point, I'm thinking of contacting her very soon. Now, this isn't quite how it sounds, I honestly just want her back as a friend. I'm almost completely over her, I can think about everything that happened with a very objective eye and I feel almost nothing, at most, just a twinge. I even imagined what it would be like if I found out she had someone and it didn't really bother me. I don't think I'm quite ready to resume contact with her, but I believe I'm damn close, I'm literally making progress every day. Yes, I know, it's one thing to get over her like this and a whole nother thing to actually to actually attempt to resume a normal friendship with her, but I feel I have to try. I'm very lonely and I don't have many friends and I don't see them very often, I really just want someone to talk to and we were very good friends before I messed everything up. On top of that I still believe that I can help her lead a happier life, from the moment I met her I knew she had potential and I've seen her come so far because of me and I still shudder at the thought of that potential going out the window without me there to help her. I know things will be fine if I can just keep from falling for her again. I'm not certain I can, but I think I have enough of a chance to at least give it a try. And I'll be on the look out for it this time and trying not to let it happen, so hopefully that will give me an edge. I would very much appreciate anyone's thoughts on this. Mon, 28 Jan 2008 03:34:32 GMT http://tribes.tribe.net/thread/62e48dae-5b17-4e50-bd1c-bac4fbbbebc1#d12c2fde-b5d5-4157-be7d-e43bba9a79b9 Dick 2008-01-28T03:34:32Z