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If we started dating....

topic posted Mon, January 17, 2011 - 7:23 PM by  Squirrel
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Although I am still willing to give Peter's LO a chance if she *chooses him*, I thought I would revive an article that had been featured in another tribe thread. Prepare to go 'ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch'...it is a deceptively powerful (brutal?) piece.

www.theonion.com/articles/...nds,11473/

Certainly might help maintain the boundaries of NC...

Squoo xox
posted by:
Squirrel
Australia
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  • Re: If we started dating....

    Mon, January 17, 2011 - 7:55 PM
    Although I do think people get in situations like that where they feel that way, most people wouldn't have the lack of sympathy to come out and say that.
    • Unsu...
       

      Re: If we started dating....

      Mon, January 17, 2011 - 7:58 PM
      This hits too close to home for me - not for LO situation, but I can honestly say I have "been there". The eternal friend.
    • Re: If we started dating....

      Mon, January 17, 2011 - 8:10 PM
      >>Although I do think people get in situations like that where they feel that way, most people wouldn't have the lack of sympathy to come out and say that. <<

      Well, I agree that most people wouldn't come out and acknowledge this type relationship dynamic, for a variety of reason (and some of those reasons would have little to do with sympathy).

      I love the 'fluffy' voice of the writer; somehow it just adds to the savage satirical bite of this piece.

      Squoo x
      • Re: If we started dating....

        Mon, January 17, 2011 - 8:20 PM
        For what other reasons then?
        • Re: If we started dating....

          Mon, January 17, 2011 - 8:52 PM
          Well Taylor, I can only offer what I think, but I could probably stand accused of being this type of person in the past (a much nicer, furrier, whiskered version of course) but did not think of myself as a bad person. But I wasn't really being in a sympathetic or empathetic person either.

          Perhaps because we ignore the little niggly voice that says "maybe I am taking advantage of this person, just a little". Perhaps because it is not exactly unpleasant to be treated like Ms Wonderful and we rationalise it. Perhaps because the other person assures us they are happy with the relationship (if/when we have little doubts), and we *believe* them. It would be disrespectful not to believe them, right? Hmmmm....

          I am not trying to demonise people like this - I actually think it is a pretty normal part of being human and nothing is black or white.

          I see examples of this frequently in non-relationship situations too. I have seen many good people end up in jail when someone has accidentally deposited a huge sum of money in their account by accident. They did not steal it, but it *appeared* in their account for them. They know it is not their money, and at first they don't touch it. Then they take a little tiny bit - that they know they can repay - and wait and see what happens. Nothing happens. They stop thinking about the "ownership" of the money, and feel like somehow it is not their fault or responsibility. So they start taking it. It is not going to hurt anyone, really. The Banks are evil anyway and make huge profits and this would just be a drop in the ocean for them. Six weeks later when Bob finally track down where his money went, the money is spent and the spender has no means to repay it. This pattern seems to present itself far too often, and former model citizens are left explaining but cannot deny that they *knew it was not their money to spend*. It is heart-breaking in its own way. The human brain can be dangerously good at rationalising our behaviours. Including limerent behaviours too, of course!!

          Squoo x
  • Unsu...
     

    Re: If we started dating....

    Mon, January 17, 2011 - 9:26 PM
    Pretty funny, if kinda brutal. It's sad because there really are alot people like the one who is the voice in that article. Men do it too, but usually for them they use a female friend's attraction to get occasional sex, not as much as for the kind of things women like this use platonic male friends for. It's pretty contemptuous too. Absolute lack of integrity.

    I've done alot of crappy things in my life I'm not proud of, but at least I can say with an easy conscience I don't think I've taken advantage of a guy who was sweet on me I didn't feel the same about to be my little lap dog. When I've realized there was a guy who liked me a little too much and I knew I wasn't interested in dating him, I was very careful NOT to take advantage to use his vulnerability for my gain. I turned down offers he gave to do special favors for me, like drive me around, take me shopping, prop me up when I was down, loan me money (which the girl in the article might never pay back!), that kind of thing. I always tried to make a point to step back, not encourage his attraction/crush, whatever you want to call it, not ask him for anything. I'm so glad I can say that!

    I have seen this kind of thing alot with above-average-attractive women, and it seems like it happens a fair bit to men who have posted to this tribe. Yes, it does sound eerily reminiscent of Peter's story about his LO, sorry Peter. I hope that doesn't offend you.





  • Re: If we started dating....

    Mon, January 17, 2011 - 10:10 PM
    "We are just destined to be really, really good friends who only hang out when I don't have a boyfriend, but still need male attention to boost my fragile and all-consuming ego."

    Yeeeeeouch! Makes me feel like vomiting. I feel for anyone who has gone through this kind of scenario in life - it must be so painful. I'm still torn as to whether or not my own LO did this to me...but perhaps he felt it was "safe" to engage with me because I was married - apparently that means you come with a chasitity belt around your heart, right? Sigh.

    What encouraged me about Peter's LO was that she broke down crying. Of course, some people can cry at the drop of a hat so...it may not be the best deciding factor and I don't know her from Eve. I agree you with Squirrel - she must choose him. I find it so annoying she keeps trying to contact him about pointless things when he was so very clear with her.
    • Re: If we started dating....

      Mon, January 17, 2011 - 11:26 PM
      Yes - choose him - or at least open up more.

      I initiate so many trivial exchanges with LO *sigh* simply because even a few light words between us gladdens my heart - so I have definitely kept an open mind with Peter's LO (and even feel a wee bit sorry for her at times). The girl in this article would not cry unless they were tears of spoilt rage accompanied by some petulant foot stamping!!

      And you know what? My LO has a partner - and even in my wildest limerent fantasy I have never want him to cast her aside thoughtlessly. Even if I disclosed and he reciprocated madly, I would want him to think this through, and honour and respect their history together. If he offered to run off into the sunset with me, I would know it is just limerence talking and this would not bode well for our relationship beyond the short term. Peter's LO has another persons feeling to consider too, so I am still crossing my fingers. :)

      Still I do think not engaging her will bring things to a head - thus me using this yukky article to help him keep his dignified manly distance. :D

      Squoo x
      • Re: If we started dating....

        Tue, January 18, 2011 - 9:06 AM
        "My LO has a partner - and even in my wildest limerent fantasy I have never want him to cast her aside thoughtlessly. Even if I disclosed and he reciprocated madly, I would want him to think this through, and honour and respect their history together."

        I'm right with you there, Squoo!
  • Re: If we started dating....

    Tue, January 18, 2011 - 3:14 AM
    Ugh! This article! It reminds me of girls who have treated my LO like this. When it happens, I'm a bit relieved and think, "Thank God she doesn't feel the same way." At the same time, I'm thinking, "How DARE this p*ta basica treat my LO like this? He's perfect and she's (insert anything implying that she's hideous, boring, promiscuous)! She should be glad any guy wants her let alone my wonderfully amazing LO!" It only gives me more reason to detest his love interests. Geez. I also feel sorry that anyone has to endure that situation. That's just awful. I sometimes wonder if I'm in that situation myself, actually. I'm never too sure :/
  • Re: If we started dating....

    Tue, January 18, 2011 - 4:32 AM
    Wow. Brutal indeed.

    I can sure see my LO in this article and how ridiculous our relationship had become. In her defense, I can't entirely lay the blame on her shoulders for it, because my limerent nature (or perhaps my poor character in general) turned me into that guy. Someone here called me an "emotional tampon" and I have to say that it rang (painfully) true.

    I don't think my LO is malicious or even really clueless about this; I think she was an innocent and my constant and overbearing attention turned our relationship into this. She doesn't fit the profile of the typical "user"; she's not drop-dead gorgeous or suggestive or successful or anything like that. She's completely average in every respect, except to me she's the most beautiful and amazing person I've ever seen.

    And yes, I know I'm not being objective about this. But I'm reminding myself of Squirrel and Pink's comment that she must choose me. I'm not her lapdog.

    Thanks for posting this, Squirrel, I think I may hang it in my office.

    P.
    • Re: If we started dating....

      Tue, January 18, 2011 - 9:13 AM
      "[S]he's not drop-dead gorgeous or suggestive or successful or anything like that. She's completely average in every respect, except to me she's the most beautiful and amazing person I've ever seen."

      What do you define as average and why do you think she is? My LO is drop-dead gorgeous, but I just think it has more of an affect on me than it does anyone else. Like, she is almost unanimously considered pretty, but not to the degree I think she is.
  • RD
    RD
    online 34

    Re: If we started dating....

    Tue, January 18, 2011 - 6:02 AM
    OUCH!

    Sigh.

    As Celestia wrote to me ages ago now, "Be wary of those who enjoy your attentions but who do not place a premium on your society."

    Realizing that someone you love is using you is a jagged pill to swallow.
    • Re: If we started dating....

      Tue, January 18, 2011 - 7:02 AM
      I've been on both sides of this issue...getting the attention and then giving the attention. As the "getting the attention" from someone else I've observed this...the attention is great, but there is a suffocating factor as well. The intensity of the other person was almost repelling in a way, on one hand I wanted the attention on the other I wanted to get far away.

      I kind of use this experience to remind myself...when I see that I am giving way to much attention to someone..who takes without return.

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