I stumbled onto this blog today and am encouraged that my problem has a name and is shared by so many people. I'm not at all happy that others feel these intense feelings, but i suppose there is something to be said for shared pain.

My story is this: I'm a 52 year old executive. I've been happily married for 25 years to a lovely woman. I've always had an active fantasy life when it comes to other women, but have never acted on it. I had given myself to permission to lust. A year ago, we hired a young woman right out of college in my department. She lived at home and her commute took her by my neighborhood each day. We occasionally rode to work together when my car was in the shop or I needed to be dropped at the airport later in the day. She's a delightful, lovely person and I found myself becoming very fond of her. Eventually, the fondness became an obsession that perfectly fits the definition of limerence. I found myself thinking of her constantly and riding an emotional rollercoaster of "she likes me" and "she hates me" based on the most mundane factors. I found myself imagining a dating and eventual marriage relationship. My rational brain would remind me that we are 29 years apart in age, that I'm married with two wonderful kids, that this whole idea is ludicrous! In spite of that, I found thinking and fantasizing about her irresistible. I even found myself feeling as though I was cheating on HER when I was with my wife.

The guilt and frustration was eating me alive, such that by last Christmas I was struggling to concentrate on anything else. I talked to a very close friend who strongly counseled me to run away from the situation, giving me an example of a man similar to me who had lost everything in a similar situation. I finally broke down and talked to my sweet wife who forgave me and told me she was committed to our marriage no matter what. A few days later, I confessed my infatuation to the young woman and her direct supervisor because I wanted to be accountable. I also self-reported to our human resources department--telling them that, although I had not broken any policies, that since I had confessed to her and to her supervisor, I wanted it on the record that I was coming clean on this.

She also accepted it pretty well after initial concern that her job might be affected. I assured her it would not be and that, other than distancing myself from her a bit, nothing would change. She's happy in her job now and doing well. We have a very positive working relationship and I think she still thinks highly of me as a boss and mentor. I'm proud of that.

That all being said, I've continued to struggle off and on with the limerence feelings. I've been to a psychologist, to a marriage weekend with my wife, and read several books about breaking habits and dealing with sexual obsession. My wife and I made a concerted effort to increase our sexual activity. I feel I've made some progress, but still find myself vulnerable to the obsessive feelings.

I've tried to manage it by minimizing the interaction I have with her, but not completing cutting it off. In a perfect world (although I would hate it), I suppose I'd totally disengage with her, but it's not practical. Plus, there is a legitimate and healthy relationship intertwined with the infatuation. That may be hard to believe, but it's true.

I should say that she is a sweet, beautiful young woman with a very outgoing personality, but also a large dose of ADD symptoms. When I use the objective part of my brain to assess her as a potential partner, I can identify any number of "flaws" that would undoubtedly become tiresome to me in a longterm relationship, not to mention the huge issues that would arise from our age difference. I could make a mile long list of reasons why not. Unfortunately, this limerence thing sort of makes all that feel utterly meaningless.

Anyway, I've done pretty well until this week when I strolled by her work area and saw a vase with fresh flowers on her desk. It came out in conversation that she'd begun going out with one of the young men in my department. He's a wonderful, sincere young guy--exactly the kind of guy I'd like to see her dating. The healthy part of me was please. The infatuated part of me was gutted and very jealous. It reawakened many of the feelings I had hoped that I'd put aside. Ouch.

I'm hoping that the recurring jealousy and recognition that she is in a romantic relationship with a real person will help finally break the spell. I'm not counting on it, but I am hopeful. I'm also trying to capture each thought of her as best i can and substitute another pleasurable thought, such as my wife or even another attractive woman. Anything to break the thinking patterns that feed the obsession.

This is really, really hard. I wish there was a clear path to getting past it. If anyone has any practical suggestions, i'm listening. Thank you for allowing me to take up so much space with all the story details. It helped a bit to try to articulate it.