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Full Disclosure... and LO reciprocated. Heaven, hell...

topic posted Thu, November 18, 2010 - 3:59 PM by  RoseArcana
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Yeah. He knows.

And...he appears to like it.

I thought he'd be disgusted, outraged, furious -- instead, he was delighted. Like teenage-boy "ZOMG ZOMG A GIRL LIKES ME!!1!" delighted.

Now, it seems so obvious that he had picked up on my attraction to him and was less-than-patiently waiting for me to do something about it -- he probably thought he was unable to do much more than flirt gently, as it would be unprofessional for a teacher to make a pass at a student. But for a student to like a teacher when they're both grown adults, and class participation is totally voluntary with no college credit involved -- apparently that's something quite different.

Now that I'm thinking about it, LO would sulk at me now and then because I wasn't paying enough attention to him. There's a very wealthy older divorced man in my usual evening class who's become quite chummy with me, and LO would get visibly annoyed when the two of us would chat and laugh during our sparring sessions. That's the only time LO would ever get short with me.

So there was a small party after our last class yesterday as everyone's going to be gone next week either for Thanksgiving or away at tournaments. LO got to talking to me about his younger days as a competitive athlete, which was extremely interesting. We ended up the closing the place down, lingering over our drinks. (Yeah, first mistake, being alone with him, second mistake, getting slightly tipsy while alone with him.)

I ended up making a full disclosure last night -- or, it really felt as though he was making a FD to me too. Or like he was setting me up to make an FD to him. At any rate, it was about as full of a disclosure as you can possibly make when you say your goodbyes, and then the person you're saying farewell to pulls you into his arms, and you passionately kiss him. He definitely embraced me, but I definitely kissed him. Full-blooded on the lips lover's kiss. And he let me do it. He responded to it.

Afterwards I immediately pulled away, apologized, acknowledged that I was totally out of line, and started to leave, but he wanted to be kissed again.

Match, meet kindling.

So we ended up making out like a couple of randy teenagers for awhile. He made it clear that he would like a clandestine sexual relationship -- gave every indication that he would have liked to consummate matters then and there.

But I didn't let it go that far. (Instead, I kissed LO good-bye, went home and gave DH a pleasant surprise. "Wow, that class really makes you feel energetic!" he joked, because, well, honestly that isn't the first time I've come home from some time with LO and ravaged DH.) Even though fantasizing about having LO in some anonymous dark bedroom has occupied hours of my life since the first week I met him.

Great. So now LO seems enamored of the idea of having a secret lover, and DH just thinks exercise is REALLY stimulating for me.

WHAT TO DO???
WHAT TO DO???
WHAT TO DO???
WHAT TO DO???

I thought I was just going to admire LO from afar forever -- I thought he was totally unattainable. I didn't think he'd ever notice that I was completely head-over for him, and if he did, he'd just think it was cute and do the respectful-adult equivalent of gently patting me on the head.

But now he seems to be attracted to me and have some emotional investment in me as well. (And damn, can he kiss. I've been floating on air and totally distractible all day now. ZOMG the cute boy kissed me like ZOMG!!!!1!)

Now, I don't want to steal him from his wife. I flatly refuse to ruin his little daughter's life by causing problems between her parents, and I have no intention of hurting my husband. I certainly don't want any kind of scandal to ruin LO's professional reputation, and I don't want any falling-out to happen between us so that I have to find another coach. It isn't at all right that he could have worked so hard become such a great athlete and coach, and gotten married and had a child, and expatriated to another country, learned three languages, established such a good reputation in the local athletic community -- and then potentially wreck all that over what amounts to a nice piece of ass.

I even called LO during my lunch break today and told him all of the above.

He agreed with everything, said he understood, he would never do anything to hurt anyone either, assured me there was nothing to worry about, and asked me to please keep taking his classes like always. "I will miss you if you are not there."

So I have some time to cool off now, because I'm going to be out of town for Thanksgiving week, so I won't see him for about two weeks or so.

But I absolutely cannot stop replaying that kiss in my mind... it's like I can't even hear anyone talking to me today.
posted by:
RoseArcana
Los Angeles
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  • Unsu...
     
    i'm sorry... i read the post and felt very happy for you until I read this

    " Now, I don't want to steal him from his wife. I flatly refuse to ruin his little daughter's life by causing problems between her parents, and I have no intention of hurting my husband. "

    I'm sorry, I think he likes the attention from you but considering that he's married and has a child with her.... AND you have a husband... I think you should stop taking his classes after this one is over and leave him behind. Don't do this to yourself. You have someone at home who loves you... Pls let it go before it hurts you.
  • Unsu...
     
    "Now, I don't want to steal him from his wife. I flatly refuse to ruin his little daughter's life by causing problems between her parents, and I have no intention of hurting my husband. I certainly don't want any kind of scandal to ruin LO's professional reputation, and I don't want any falling-out to happen between us so that I have to find another coach. It isn't at all right that he could have worked so hard become such a great athlete and coach, and gotten married and had a child, and expatriated to another country, learned three languages, established such a good reputation in the local athletic community -- and then potentially wreck all that over what amounts to a nice piece of ass. "

    You have pretty much described what will happen with this affair. I don't think there is ever a purely sexual affair...unless there is actual prostitution involved. Somebody always gets hurt.

    It won't be a secret affair. But it sure could wreak several families.

    Please be very careful and think about this decision.
  • Unsu...
     
    Ouch, this just hurts all over on several levels. It reeks of ego, yours and his. I would say beware of anyone who wants a clandestine sexual affair. If he can't have you out in the open then what does that say about how he really thinks of you? (I didn't realize at that point he was married and you were as well so I can see the issue, but he doesn't seem to be in conflict about it. Wonder how many other honeys he has). You say you are two adults, but this feels like an older instructor making passes at a younger, insecure student. Is this accurate? His spouting out over his glory days and you stroking him really painted a pretty clear picture for me, Rose. It seems like you are both kind of charged up about the illicitness of it all. You speaking of coming home and having sex with hubby just felt like such a violation to me, a violation of your husband's belief that the intimacy was for him. As one of the posters said here, it is problematic to have sex with emotional detachment (especially since you seem smitten) unless you are talking prostitution. Prostitution would be a more honest path here as a clear exchange of goods and services than what you have planned. I also grimaced when you referred to yourself as "a piece of ass." Is that how you view yourself or how you thinks he views you? I have a hard time being excited for you as this just sounds like a terrible situation all around. Sorry Rose can't see how any good comes out of this one.
  • I really feel for you, Rose. I know how heady and intoxicating the first full reciprocation of limerent desire is. It happened with my LO a few years ago now, and it was like touching the sky. After being in a desert of loneliness, it's so exhilarating and fulfilling. That you have had this reminder of your vitality and attractiveness, I am happy for you :)

    I do of course share the concerns of those above. I hope my words won't sound like moral disapproval, because I don't come from that perspective (and I don't think the others who have posted do either). What stood out to me was how this latest development brings your original story thread into sharper focus - in particular, the problems that you and your SO are having.

    Here are the parts that stood out to me:

    "I’ve always felt as though DH was the most perfect being on earth, but I’d turned into a fat, broke slob who was unworthy of him ... I decided that I was going to take off the excess pounds and get in shape again, largely so DH would still love and desire me."

    "DH is still the prince he always was ... what kills me is that my husband is still the LO to end all LOs – I’d drop all contact with my teacher if DH insisted on it. But DH isn’t insisting on anything; he’s still convinced he’s got the perfect marriage ... Maybe I want my husband to care more about what’s going on with me and spend less time staring at that damn computer screen."

    "It’s a wonderful marriage ... Anyone else had a perfectly nice marriage with no major problems and still become limerent over another person?"

    When I see all of that, it's not really so surprising that you have fallen for your teacher. I think in essence you do have the basis for a great marriage, but it does sound like there are some significant problems going on. One is that you guys don't appear to have a safe way to talk about your feelings with each other. Another is that I think you aren't seeing your husband as an equal, but rather that he's up high and you are a lowly "slob", and that makes you unacceptable to him in your eyes. You wanted to be loved completely by him, yes?

    I know this sounds like armchair psychology, but you did all the hard work in your original post :) I'm just shuffling the pieces and sorting them. You even talked there about what you think draws you to your LO, and given the rest of your clear insights, I'd say you probably understand your motivations better than you realise at this moment.

    One thing I do want to say is that I think there is a prevailing belief around these parts that limerence can't be "cured". Maybe this is coming from Tennov's functional description of what ends limerence (consummation, starvation, transferrence). But that's not the same thing. Tennov was only describing what ended the process for a *particular* LO. She didn't really have anything to say about the life conditions that foster limerence. In your case, the energy that fuels your limerence seems to come largely from your marriage issues.

    So I agree with the others that ultimately you are in a risky situation right now, where your head and heart are far apart. But I also think that maybe the way forward isn't just about what decisions you make about your LO. It's also about how you guys make your marriage come alive again.

    "But I don't really think I need reciprocation from him so much -- I'm just grateful for the chance to be around him and benefit from his expertise."

    Yep, and that's probably how it will feel after you and SO are back on track.
    • Thanks to everyone for their responses.

      Yes, this could very well be about our egos, and yes, I do think it’s fair to say that we both got an illicit charge out of it. But I don’t think it’s fair to LO to portray me as a Poor Little Victim being preyed upon by some Big Bad Sexually Predatory Guy. I'm hardly some high school kid being targeted by an adult like some folks seem to think – I’m a thirtysomething grown woman with an established professional career, and LO is only two years my senior. I think he's just another vulnerable human being who found himself drawn to someone who admires him.

      But no, the sharing international competition stories is not sleazy at all. I love traveling but very rarely get the chance to actually go anywhere, both because of work and because my husband is a big homebody. So talking to someone like LO, who has competed all over North and South America, Europe, and Asia is honestly very interesting to me. LO is taking some students to an international competition this week, and it’s become a tradition with us for me to ask him how the competitions went and what the destination was like when he returns.

      I really do NOT believe LO’s is some secret womanizer. This feels more like he was hit over the head with an attraction he wasn’t looking for in exactly the same way I was. Part of why I’m so attracted to him is that he’s so obviously another introvert – his idea of a rare self-indulgence is to go the beach by himself. A man with his kind of looks and athletic ability should by rights be a total chick magnet, but he isn’t – he’s actually quite shy. There have been times in the past when we’ve locked eyes for a little too long and he looks away and blushes like a teenage boy. (He blushes easily – God, that SLAYS me.)

      At the bon-voyage-until-after-the-holiday party, when he came up to talk to me, he reintroduced a topic we’d been talking about earlier that week, and it was really almost doofus-y, like a boy at a high school dance: “Yeah, I know she likes to talk about this, we’ve talked about this before…” When I spoke to him the day after the party, he told me that it was strange to feel this way about a woman again: “It has been so long that I do not know how to talk to you. I don’t know how to do this.”

      One of the reasons why I think I’m so in sympathy with him is that he seems to be another “stealth introvert” exactly like me – someone who appears to have a lot going for them, who has enough social skills to play the confident extrovert when necessary, but that doesn’t seem to be his true nature. One of the recurring confidences he’s made to me is how he’s always working and never gets any time to himself – I know how it is to need that time alone to recharge. It’s clear that teaching a large class or being at a big boisterous party can be exhausting for him. He blooms when the party is down to a few close friends, and seems to prefer one on one interaction with other people. I’ve heard from a third party that he was offered the chance to be head coach at another club, but he declined, preferring to keep working at this club with his long-time colleagues. When I mentioned it to him, he said, “No, I didn’t want to leave here. The money would have been nice, but I want to stay with my friends.”

      He also said that he had a nice big loyal student base at this club and didn’t want to build another one from square one, because the new club was opening about an hour away and wouldn’t be a convenient drive for his existing students. “It is in [This City], that would be a too long drive for you, wouldn’t it?” At the time I thought, oh sure, he just wants to stay with his friends and it’d be a lot of work to get a bunch of new students when he’s already got established ones here. (Some little part of me was thrilled – He’s staying in part for his regular students, and I’M one of those! YAY! Another part of me would have been even more thrilled if he’d stuck around at least in some tiny part because he knew I wouldn’t be able to follow him to that club. Yes, I knew that it was silly and I was just flattering myself – but somehow it seems a little less like silly self-flattery after last week.)

      Now that I’m really considering it, those “stealth introvert” tendencies are even a large part of what attracted me to my husband – like me, he’s another introvert who was born into a huge boisterous family, who was always trying to sneak off alone to read or “play pretend” by himself as a child. Both DH and I love our quiet weekends alone together.

      So when I talked to LO last week, he agreed that yes, neither of us wants to hurt anyone, or cause any problems for the other. He admitted that his wife had complained about the way he was joking around with me during one of our sparring sessions, but added that “She doesn’t like when I talk to any girl, even teenage students. It is much worse if girl is pretty.”

      So I’m getting the impression that his wife is rather the jealous type, who accuses him of nebulous wrongdoing any time he’s even in proximity to other women. That might actually be part of my attraction for him, because I know from experience there is no better way to push even a faithful significant other into the arms of another man or woman than to falsely accuse him/her of infidelity all the time. I had one ex-boyfriend do that to me – he hated all my male friends, and I couldn’t even chat with a supermarket cashier about the weather without him freaking out. So after awhile I started to think, well to hell with it – if I’m always going to be “doing the time” without ever “doing the crime”, I might as well do the crime! I’m already paying for it, so why not! I ended up breaking up with that guy in part because I fell into a heavily limerent attraction to the man who is now DH.

      I'm not sure how things are going to work out, since I haven't seen LO since that night. But he was very sweet and reasonable when I called him the next day. "So are we going to say, "I was drunk, you were drunk," then?" I asked him if he would be uncomfortable having me in his class now, and he said no, he wouldn’t, and he’d miss me if I left. He asked me to please keep coming to the club like always.

      But I'm absolutely NOT going to play the homewrecker here. The tipsy after-party smooch will probably be as far as it goes, but that doesn't mean I'm going to feel any less consideration and protectiveness towards him. If he tries to pursue it further, I’ll tell him that it would be most beneficial to both of us if the role I played in his life was that of a loyal student and friend. I’ll remind him that if we did let this turn into a secret romantic relationship, someone would probably find out eventually, and then we wouldn’t be able to see each other anymore. He’s the pragmatic sort, so I think he’ll agree.

      Still… cannot believe how thrilling it was to know that he reciprocated, even if we can’t pursue it.

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