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Re: My North Shore Digs
Mon, October 19, 2009 - 11:31 AMI first began digging this camp out in '06
when i began, the entire area was completely wooded and one could only get through it by crawling
now, it is ready to plant orchards and veggies etc...
this place does not have traffic and people cannot find it....i like being invisible, living in a place where i feel safe. In order to live here, I had to decide what was important in order to continue living...water is my first consideration....there is a well just down the hill from my camp. Well's are very rare on Maui, and in this, I feel very wealthy.
during the week, this is where i go and debrief from the "real world". I will be thinking of you while sitting by the fire. My prayer is that everyone get's their needs met in a way that lifts their spirits and gives them a sense of well-being as i get every time i go home. -
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Re: My North Shore Digs
Mon, October 19, 2009 - 11:45 AManother element that is essential to my daily life is fire
i am so frigging fortunate to live in a place i can have an open fire
most places in the US do not allow open fire, our society seems to be going toward more and more restrictions that move us away from having very basic and simple lives. cooking over an open fire is healthy and soothing....hanging out near a fire is a perfect way to release stress and feel close to the earth
relieving stress is an act of self love and i wish to share this peculiar life i have chosen for myself because i feel abundant and persistent feelings of love from the Creator when i live in this way....i have been doing so since July of 2000.
When i first started to climb up the mountain i was on the verge of heart attack and insanity - just finished reading Indigo
today, i am grateful for such great health that i can climb up the mountain to go home- without health, what do i actually have? -
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Re: My North Shore Digs
Mon, October 19, 2009 - 12:47 PMAndora, You are turning this forum into a "how great Andora is doing because she is just so much smarter and more special than everybody else," forum......why not just start your own forum and call it the, "how great andora is doing show."
We all know the natives HATE your white, superior, fake ass spiritual, land owning, HOWELY ass, and cant wait till all hell breaks loose, so they can eat you.
You are useing "how great YOU are doing," to inadvertantly and unintentionaly, of course,
tell Us all just how TERRIBLE we all are doing, compared to you of course.
HAWAII FUCKING SUCKS SOME OF US HAVE BEEN THERE AND KNOW BETTER
and you know it, and, you want OFF but your daughter has waaaay too much invested in her bogas land deal.
You very rarely camp out on the tundra, most of the time you hole up in other white people's houses, and drink beer, and, smoke ganga, and pretend not to be jealous of them.
MOST of the crap you post here is a very ellaberate house of cardsof lies, to mask how badly your poor inslaved WILL, wants off of that creepy, dangerous, island where everybody hates you and wants to kill you.
You think you are a master of avoiding the gap, by just saying everything is "positive, positive,"
Remember that place in the green book where God talks about the yuppys who peer into their chrystals. listen to spaced out music, and, pat themselfs on the back declairing how well off they are, hidding from the lost will behind their gated communitys ....THIS IS YOU !!!
Pride cometh before the fall -
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Re: My North Shore Digs
Thu, October 22, 2009 - 10:30 AMI just got back from North Shore where I was debriefing
judging by the way that I felt when I left here on Monday, I was expecting to debrief some pretty toxic stuff - an earth bed is the perfect place to do so, as She absorbs my pain....but, strangely enough when I laid my self down, I took a deep breath and felt into my body -
ALL I FELT WAS ECSTASY
Now this is very different since i have had a disease (H-Pilori - the bacteria that causes stomach ulcers and eventually stomach cancer) I have been in constant pain for years until i was able to identify the cause. So having no pain is and has been feeling like ecstasy! I don't take ecstasy, but I did years ago, enough to understand that it is supposed to be the "normal" state of health to have endorphins and seratonin, etc....coursing through the blood stream. This is something that many lose rapidly and attempt to recap for the rest of tomorrows. For me, it is and was about recapitulating Will essence enough to help the body run on all 4 cylanders!
THE TREE OF LIFE
are the glands that create biochemical drugs that affect our mood
according to the Maya, the astronomical spectacle that we will all be able to see on solctice 2012 is the Galactic symbol of the Tree of Life in the center of the Milky Way. To me, this is a wake-up call to all of humanity that the body is capable of creating physical and emotional balance once the electromagnetic essence is circulating from North to South and East to West.
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BREAK THROUGH
Thu, October 22, 2009 - 10:40 AMFor years now, I have been attempting to help my orgasmic essence cycle my entire matrix rather than getting stuck in the yellow chakra and getting reversed back on itself, rather than come up into the heart.
I have been clearing the energetic block from my yellow chakra and have come to know this as "The Rock of the Tomb"
This is the energetic mass that establishes itself in the Kundalini channel the moment that the personality wholeheartedly adopts death as it's future transformative event. This is the source of all the linear energetic trouble that begins to increase exponentially when the personality has their first orgasm....which, explains why teens have such a high rate of suicide compared to the rest of the population.
My breakthrough came a few weeks ago, when i experienced my orgasmic essence come up into my heart without any pressure in my chest. Instead, the essence came up into my heart and cycled with my electric essence to start flowing out of my fingertips - letting me know that i had received access to my heart without having to try. Now, I am feeling varying degrees of ecstasy, instead of pressure.
This is what I have been doing all of these years, clearing these blocks so my electromagnetic essence can flow freely from South to North and East to West. This is biochemical balance....now, I can move away from the coping skills and get on with the art of living. -
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Re: BREAK THROUGH
Thu, October 22, 2009 - 12:14 PMYeah, I know this other ruow Mother who also came to this conclusion , that was about 10 years ago....So it seems right that you would be about where you are with this considering the time you have put into this....
Oh, well, i guess you are good to go now, all healed up, and, ready to just have a ball liveing la veda loka, "the art of liveing"....Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha ! that is the biggest ruow joke i ever heard.....You got some real rocky ground ahead of you, little girl.....in the next 13/15 years you have to go before you catch up to the people who have been with this sence the beginning.....First You are going to have to move the terror that You do not HAVE 13 years left to get this right, or even close......
You COULD have cut your learning time down considerably, like the WISE musician who gets a teacher, instead of fucking around guessing, and, trying to learn it yourself, but no, you had to jump on stage with EXPERIANCED musician when you could barely strum 3 coards..... instead of listening to those who have goon WAY ahead of you. You have already alianated the old timers who could have helped you shave off years of hard knocks.....FINE do it YOUR way....the long way, but, hurry up, time is running short. -
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Luana
Thu, October 22, 2009 - 12:33 PMyou have no thing to offer me
to me, you are an example of how not to proceed
and here you are so obsessed with schooling someone....how's that working for ya?
to me, you are simply the barking voice of the defunct "Watch Dog"
I don't need to hold space for the voice of self-doubt, the voice that suggests I am not capable of living on my own. And, when i do share some hard won self love, you come here like clockwork to decry my success.
I do feel successful
I do love living on Maui
I love my body
hatred and crass over-powering (that you continually demonstrate) will help you die
instead of help you into the realm of the living
for those of you who think the built-in voice of the watchdog is actually you speaking to you, I wish to point out that this is actually the hound of hell trying to keep you from choosing life with your unique and emerging personality....the watch dog is barking all of the judgments that keep a soul from aligning with life....so listen closely to Luana and you can hear a plethora of judgments that need releasing....
this is how i read you now luana
a list of judgments i should be releasing
woof woof
sniff sniff
scratch scratch
growl
snarl
howling at the darkness
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Re: Luana
Thu, October 22, 2009 - 12:36 PMYeah, yeah, yeah, Andora, see ya in about 13 years. -
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This is the maximum depth. Additional responses will not be threaded.
Re: Luana
Thu, October 22, 2009 - 12:45 PMNatha, how did you get my new phone number? ....Andora give it to you?
sorry i can not sit and listen to you screem at me right now, unlike yours, my kids are here,
and, asking me,
"grandma, who was that mean guy screeming on the phone." ? -
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Re: Luana
Thu, October 22, 2009 - 12:46 PMNow i gotta fucken change my phone number again ! -
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Re: Luana
Thu, October 22, 2009 - 12:58 PM
"I do feel successfull
i love liveing on maui
i love my body"
heres 3 more of the biggest lies ever told
the checks in the mail
my government loves me
i wont cumm in your mouth
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Re: Luana
Thu, October 22, 2009 - 3:48 PMNathan,
Is me dropping the big "Nathan's Kids," bomb what you were screaming about on the phone?
Sorry i had to hang up cause there are babys here.....
You freeked them out pretty good when you started screaming so the whole room could hear.
Your daughters is something that was openly discussed on GC forum....
What ? did you want everybody here to think you were a cool, single, kidless, batchlor ???
You shoulda let me in on the gag
My kids are dead....Yours are elsewhere, whats the big fucken deal?....
is your aim to milk sympathy from all these people who hate your guts anyways,
by haveing a nervous breal down cause mean ol Luana mentioned the "K," word !
Daisy comes here and bravely mentions what a mess Her kids are in....whats the big deal? -
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Re: Luana
Thu, October 22, 2009 - 3:53 PMShit ! if Andora didnt know about your kids, she is realy gonna squeeze on this one the next time you play gap tennis with her.....for that i am realy sorry i busted you out....no doubt that witch is gonna take this ball and hoof it all the way to isreal with it under her arm. sorry
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Re: Luana
Thu, October 22, 2009 - 4:14 PMAgain, I don't know if Nathan was upset or not about what Luana revealed. I reacted to the intention which was to hurt Nathan and Luana did this by saying something about Nathan I did not know. It is not her choice whether everyone learns this about him, even if he mentioned it in some other forum years ago.
She then goes on to say Daisy talks about her kids.....
That's right, Daisy talks about her kids.
That Luana cannot get the difference between her using Nathans situation with his kids as a way to hit him, which is what she was doing in that thread
and Daisy choosing to talk about her own kids
is....welll. It would be stupid. I mean really stupid. But I don't think Luana is stupid.
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Re: Luana
Thu, October 22, 2009 - 4:31 PMNo wormie, im not stupid.....im diabolical....public enemy number one....out to get everybody !....
cept the REAL Mother, and, she considers me to be one of Her most loyal warriors....ask around....I whop the denial spirits off Her recovering ass every hour !....She still needs that, with geeks like you sneeking around, laying in the cut to get Her if She ever does dare to show up
Hi Mother, I Love You....I tumble for You : )
brrruwhahahahahahah
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Re: Luana
Thu, October 22, 2009 - 4:37 PMHey wormie....are you on nut meds or something?
hard as i try sometime its hard to understand you when all your electrons ainte fireing. -
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Re: Luana
Thu, October 22, 2009 - 4:43 PMYOu didn't understand that post?
Let me lay it out....
Do I think Luana is diabolical? No.
If that is too hard to understand, I really don't no what I can do for you. -
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Re: Luana
Thu, October 22, 2009 - 5:06 PMOMG !! You fucken have a crush on me dont you wormie ? ....yep...thats it....and now you wish to god you hadnt been such a dick to me and you are trying to figure out how to back peddle out of it.....Oh wormie, i didnt know you cared.
Why dont you just come right out and admitt you were wrong about me and beg my forgiveness and tell me how much your life depends on reading my words every day
"let me LAY it out," ....yeah, what you realy want is to lay ME out, right?....huh? am i right? am I ? -
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Re: Luana
Thu, October 22, 2009 - 5:27 PMCome on wormie spermie....
come on baby haul your slimmey worm ass back here and pucker up K?
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Re: Luana
Thu, October 22, 2009 - 5:39 PMUm, Luana. Diabolical is very conscious, and brilliantly evil.
I just think you're very stuck in some imprinting that makes you on occasion really mean and generaly react to anything that you can't quickly get a handle on, by trying to smash it.
If I don't think you are diabolical and say it, it doesn't mean I am suddenly infatuated. -
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Unsu...
Re: Luana
Thu, October 22, 2009 - 6:19 PMLuana,
I don't wish to keep it a "secret" that my life is a train wreck, as in something I am trying to HIDE, but neither do I wish to have the painful details of it put on display in such heartless ways..., and like used as fodder for unlovingness with no compassion for the pain of it on a public forum, on the internet. and that should not need to be said GC was private and a very different atmosphere, and worm hit it on the head that you know what you're doing here, so stop making such lame excuses.
by the way YOU gave me your number when you were trying to turn me against Andora and feed me a bunch of obvious lies remember? i gave you the benefit of the doubt, but I sure as hell wasn't going to call you under those circumstances....( so no worries, and no need to change your number cause i'm not going to be calling you again.)
I would have probably called you and talked to you gladly if it were not for these ulterior motives, and all you basically did was hurt my feelings that you never made such overtures before to bond with me over the many commonalities we share.... only when you want to manipulate and use me. Ouch. I guess its not enough for you that I am just honest and real. -
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nathan's private life
Thu, October 22, 2009 - 10:12 PM
nathan,
you have my sympathy,
I am sorry luana revealed some personal information without your permission,
this is exactly why I will not say too much about myself here,
auX -
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nathan's private life
Fri, October 23, 2009 - 9:08 AMIts fine audieux. i guess it just triggers core terror/shame and fear of being humiliated. Not the way I would have chosen to have it triggered, and doesn't feel all that loving, but I guess its probably not the worst thing in the world. -
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Re: nathan's private life
Fri, October 23, 2009 - 12:13 PMaDD the only reason you give a shit about me accidently busting out Nathan is cause you hate me.....
so can the fake ass "sorry for Nathan, crap, please -
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Re: nathan's private life
Fri, October 23, 2009 - 12:39 PMNathan i have this friend who is sooooo your parental part.....
except he is real rich, and has a doctors degree in philosophy and teaches the shit over at the satanic,university.
He is just like you in sooooo many ways, a TOTAL angst ridden krout .....So, I already have your reflection threw him. he looks alot like you too.....The only reason he got that degree is because me and him have been friends for about 12 years and he has been informed all about Mother, I helped him write his disartation on the issue of "ethics," ....it got published too !
He is the guy who studyed GC with me....He is a great guitar player and singer also....
He interjects ruow consepts to his students and they LOVE him. He always comes to me to approve of his lectures....and, even the other philosophy teachers are very impressed with his lectures....I am the hidden secret to his popularety and he knows it. He brings me expensive gifts.and He is re-writeing "In praise of Folly," by Erasmus for me. He is from a very rich family with major illuminati blood lines and he gots annunaki stamped on his ass from birth.....His parents LOVE me for all i have done for him.
The big difference between Him and You is that He is able to recognize true greatness and,
He at least knows from which side His bread is buttered -
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Re: nathan's private life
Fri, October 23, 2009 - 12:47 PMOh, i forgot to mention, He is a "Mother's Man" by nature.
He worships Mothers and would never think to pretend to be their "peers,"
Unless He has proven Himself to be, and, He goes to great links to prove Himself to be, too.
He would never say harsh things into the face of a woman....
and He ainte faken it eather.
The woman are CRAZY about Him, and even billy takes lessons on how to SINSERLY treet a woman from Him, too. -
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moving in
Fri, October 23, 2009 - 3:33 PMwell now, i guess you are real comfortable in the space i opened here luana
go ahead, help yourself...it won't change what is happening to you everyday of your life to continue to berate others in the name of right use of will....i think we would have been much more of a contribution as friends standing in the light of love....but, you seem to think there is more need for malice to shape the broken heart? hardly, we have already been punished enough. for me, pennance is over!
I knew about Nathan, he has been very open with me - in this, he and i are very much alike
the shame i have from the past is not in a state of denial, i get that when i spoke to Nathan too. He did not put on airs with me, he was real.
I get it that you have huge rage movements Nathan, I do not judge against you about this, i was simply trying to protect my heart from further damage.
many people thought i was out to make bonds with others as a way of polarizing with luana....i can assure you Nathan that I was not playing with you or anyone else in this way. I do not wish to tip-toe around gaps that folks have with each other, nor do i wish to take sides. Luana seems to think that is productive and she is trying still, to divide and conquer this forum for whatever reasons....i don't wish to understand her here, to me she has become a malevolent cartoon of sorts.
I miss Wonderious Loon. was he some collateral damage from this place when the fur was flying?
I am happy you are still here auX, thankyou for speaking here.
I do have feelings of love right along side the feelings of dread in regard to this forum...even so, the language of ruow is not a language for me, it is a way of life that keeps me pretty separate. So, I feel like being brave enough to stand in the divide and claim a space for myself here, regardless of what the Watch Dog at the gate is barking about.
For what it's worth Nathan, I have been very humiliated my entire life because i have been stuck on open...people like luana have treated me very poorly and i was tempted to believe i was wrong for being open and honest...that is a terrible trap and i do not wish to be that kind of a person. I think you are a brave man Nathan...thanks for continuing to show up.
as Heart, I have taken a million and one leaps of faith....i have received tremendous blame from my loved ones for this and understand why they are disappointed with me on many levels....even so, staying stuck within the jaws of estrangement is not what my Parents gave birth to me for....they had hope as well.
i feel love today
and i have been in deep prayer here in my hole in the ground
When i left here a year ago, I had cleared the ground and was about to plant, when i decided to go to my daughter's at South Shore. When i left here last year, I asked the Deva's to carpet the ground that i cleared with Gotu Kola, which is a frilly low laying green ground cover that is edible, it is known as brain medicine. So, when i returned a few weeks ago, the Gotu Kola was my new carpet. I felt so loved and reciprocated. I still do. This is a holy place for me, as all places are, but, this place was sculpted by my own hand and feels like mine, as it is. I so want other people to feel this kind of love, it is available at all times. I am crying with gratitude as i share this. It is free too. Life is much more simple than what the gap would have us believe...the earth is generous.
thankyou worm, nathan and auX for sharing here
today, i am filled with gratitude and needed to share this as my truth, i am grounded in this
mahalo -
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Re: moving in
Sun, October 25, 2009 - 1:45 PM"I get it that you have huge rage movements Nathan, I do not judge against you about this, i was simply trying to protect my heart from further damage.
many people thought i was out to make bonds with others as a way of polarizing with luana....i can assure you Nathan that I was not playing with you or anyone else in this way. I do not wish to tip-toe around gaps that folks have with each other, nor do i wish to take sides. Luana seems to think that is productive and she is trying still, to divide and conquer this forum for whatever reasons....i don't wish to understand her here, to me she has become a malevolent cartoon of sorts."
Thanks andora,
I believe you that you are sincere in your overtures of friendship and that it is not about polarizing for you, or at least not consciously...
Me, I feel forced to take a side or take a stand and say no more... as my attempts at open-hearted overtures have been met only with the cold blade of a sword.
wolfcreekfaeries.tribe.net/thre...bc7d5
This is a link to a very intersting thread which I feel speak volumes about the nature of Daisy's participation on tribe and the nature of hers and Luana's relations.
"For what it's worth Nathan, I have been very humiliated my entire life because i have been stuck on open...people like luana have treated me very poorly and i was tempted to believe i was wrong for being open and honest...that is a terrible trap and i do not wish to be that kind of a person. I think you are a brave man Nathan...thanks for continuing to show up."
I am in terror right now because it feels like I can sense Daisy maneuvering to islolate me and make me the recipient of her self-loathing. I do not understand why she would do this, as I have been making every effort to be open with her. It is not my fault she has self-loathing. I feel like the above thread sheds light on this as an ongoing pattern in which she has been engaged and this is not the first time she has enlisted Luana's help here.
I don't know exactly what happened here, but for whatever reason Daisy decided to go on a crusade against these people and I feel that this was some kind of reflection of self-hatred she got from her involvement with them, and that is her solution to dealing with it, to go on the offensive, same as she is doing now... She made use of several different alts, including "Mother" to try to convince these people they were "wrong" and eventually sicked Luana on them. luana was kicked off of Tribe for her behavior here and blatant hatred of people. IN this particular thread, one person calls them on their hypocracy after growing tired of their ongoing shennanigans. -
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Re: moving in
Sun, October 25, 2009 - 2:02 PMMother, from Mother's Place ASKED me to go to that site and run interfearance for Her because the queers were giveing Her a hard time, particularly this one particularly vicious fag who is a prostitute for the satanic homo rituals at bohemian groove.
Mother thanked me greatly and told me that i did EXACTLY what She wanted me to do there
( Mother may be watching here on this site)
Right after this there were two of Mother's most beloved ruow Daughters killed in south korea, so She went into seclusion...
Only a few of Her most trusted allies have access to contacting Her and getting a response.....
If Ya'll here would sober up get past the places where you are stuck,
You would be privy to alot more info than is currantly available to you -
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Re: moving in
Sun, October 25, 2009 - 2:12 PMWhat was "Mother" doing there in the first place?
Go back in the history.
Daisy had a personal problem with these people. She got hit with some really ugly reflection from them..., and I sympathize with that truly, BUT
SHE WAS INVOLVED WITH THEM AND DREW THAT TO HERSELF.... TO HEAL.
But Instead of using it to heal. She took the path of insanity and trying to maneuver and force them into taking on wrongness THROUGH posting as Mother and invoking RUoW through other alts.
she has been doing the same ever since, and now is trying to maneuver ME into the p ostion being the 'sacrificial lamb' to take the brunt of her self-loathing... I have offered her olive branch after olive branch. and tried everything i could try to end the war and insanity, I am sorry but I object to being USED that way.
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Re: moving in
Sun, October 25, 2009 - 2:24 PMAnd further more I feel that it is in NO ONE'S interest. -
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Re: moving in
Sun, October 25, 2009 - 3:26 PMMother has asked me to tell Nathan, "this only a very limited and skewed by unloveing judge,ment truth," and She will leave it at that -
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Re: moving in
Sun, October 25, 2009 - 3:28 PMSorry,
This IS a very limited, and, skewed by unloveing judgement, "truth."
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Nathan
Sun, October 25, 2009 - 4:35 PMdid i remove myself from the frey too early?
or did i come back too late?
i don't know you seem to be exasperated....
i get it....
i can feeel my body respond when i disengage
i have been busy on a weekly basis on the net for years now
very active
and when i disengage for days from town et al. the ringing in my ears subsides my sleep patterns correct etc...
at this point i must simply serve the animal and leave the politics and religious zealots to their own
taking care of body
i have had to make it very elemental just to stand my own presence
it has taken me a half century just to get to the point where i have a well and a private garden
where i don't have to perform like a monkey!
fuck and double fuck
Nathan, you do not have to play
retrograde projection
it is a good time to dream up tomorrow...when i plant a garden...i get to see instant results
lot's of people looking for someone to take care of the "aina". i don't make any coin, per se....but, my living environment is optimal
that is a suitable platform for creativity to flourish
it is good to have tangible real life to interact with daily
a place where i can hear the breath of the mother sighing through the tree's
there are places
i had to migrate to right place
and still
hooking up right place with right mate is very illusive
but i do not feel shame in my seeming inability to produce my heart's desire,
i see i still have tools and am an evolving perfection...lots of room there
and, most importantly,
i don't have a dead line as mortals always do!
my body is so responsive, when i give it peace, good nourishment and exercise then it responds as if it is not subject to time
now, don't get me wrong....
the illusion of time is pretty intimidating
enough to cause stress that fucks up the pH balance
which triggers the creationnn of Cortisone = an acidic hormone
that i have - in the past - been addicted to
hang in there Nathan
i guess from reading daisy's words, that maybe you should not
take her tantrums so personally, i know it has been impossible for me
to not take what she has and remains doing personally
maybe she really just thinks we are disposable voices
that are of no consequence
over the years, i have gotten to know you
and i wish to witness your sincerity
aloha -
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Re: Nathan
Sun, October 25, 2009 - 5:40 PMAndora,
I do not really know if I know what you are saying...I wish i did.
but I do know it brought me to tears, and for that I am grateful.
Aloha to you.
Nathan -
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Re: Nathan
Sun, October 25, 2009 - 6:46 PMme too
having tears today, in a good way
even if only the last two words let you know i witness your love
then i said what i wanted to say -
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Re: Nathan
Sun, October 25, 2009 - 6:49 PMin a nutshell
don't sweat the small stuff (witches in the brew) take care of body
out live the politics and religion by being a good animal -
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Re: Nathan
Sun, October 25, 2009 - 7:45 PMi hope to.
i just went and revisited the cyquest site today.
i am convinced of the multidimensional healing effect of tears.... as having the power to open space to contain a more multidimensional existence than what we are used to experiencing here on earth.... even though most of my life i have spent as a relative cripple in this regard, thanks to a few good influences, I am now a bona fide convert to the ways of emotional process.
it is my dream that the reality of loving interconnectedness and support of all things would become THE reality for all humans.. and only a few short days ago, this reality, the reality of being held and cared for in the Mother's arms, felt SOOO close...
but today my hopes feel dashed, smashed, and trashed by the gap of heartlessness as Lucifer snatched it away.
Anyway, a friend suggested revisiting their site, and going there triggered tears instantly.... then in reading it, i was kindled into just the tiniest hope that if i work at it, I may be might be able to finally understand and apply this information. (I remember reading it years ago and feeling it was pretty much beyond me...) -
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Re: Nathan
Mon, October 26, 2009 - 4:51 AMi don't know anything about cyquest
and, getting triggered into tears comes and goes throughout my day...i guess that is one reason i live remote...don't want others to see me talking to myself, crying, cussing at folks and i sing. i never know what is going to move through me. out there i feel safe to be my processing ruow fool.
something luana said to me before we went into the gap: "you know, after all these years going through all the extreme emotions, ruow people eventually find out there is nothing wrong with them, but it took them years of suffering to simply get to the point of realizing this -- what if, after all that, we find that there is nothing to have gained by what we had been WORKING so hard at?"
which makes it very ironic to be coming here, and getting all this aggitation from her about how mental i am, how purple i am, how terrible i am for having hope and inspiration, yada yada yada, makes me aware of the fucked up feelings that i had as a child always being told how wrong i am and no matter how hard i tried, i could not quite get it right as these witches show up here to treat us the same way.
me, these days, i'm trying to take it down to the bottom line and learn how to be a good animal first. i figure if i get the living part down, then the other "extra's" will naturally fall into place....that's why being immortal is so good for my heart cus i don't have to be any "better" than i am today, and especially since i have no arbitrary dead line to be looking out for. i live my day as if i have endless amount ahead of me....my only responsibility is to be honest and tend to my own Will to Live. Now, if i thought that i would have to live with endless hatred, like the kind bu fucking luana spews in the name of "ruow love", i would be feeling pretty down-hearted about the future. Every time i lay on my earth bed, i know that hatred is not the way of the world, bc i can feel love simply from that contact. but, this is just me....many people are just plain uncomfortable with no end in sight.
i'm not in rejection of you N
i just need to speak in the open
this is how i keep it simple, as well.
blessings -
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Re: Nathan
Mon, October 26, 2009 - 4:52 AMps
I also hold the hope for the interconnectedness being about love instead of one-up-manship
the way of mortality is heartless...and the masses are too busy planning their death to feel very groovy about much
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what the fuck Andora?
Mon, October 26, 2009 - 10:49 AM"i'm not in rejection of you N
i just need to speak in the open
this is how i keep it simple, as well."
I never said you are in rejection of me A.... I was just trying to tell you I wouldn't take it that way, so you didn't have to feel under any duress to respond.
Its fine with me and I can deal w ith it, that's all I'm saying, and that I DON'T take it personally, and how you could get it all turned around, I do not know. I AM big enough to Humour you in that regard, but when you misinterpret me in something I say privately and put it out ther publically it feels threatenign and pisses me off by making me feel forced out into the "open" (which is hostile).... with vulnerabilities when what I am really seeking for them is safe haven, but if you don't have it to give, then simply drop it. Its your deal. not mine. -
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Re: Nathan
Mon, October 26, 2009 - 11:04 AM"but when you misinterpret me in something I say privately and put it out ther publically it feels threatenign and pisses me off by making me feel forced out into the "open"
i don't know what i misinterpreted about "I HATE YOUR FUCKING GUTS" as you typed pm's to me
if this is what you are feeling then I will force it into the open and refuse to receive you in private....my prerogative....this does not mean I HATE YOUR GUTS NATHAN! simply means
i love me -
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Re: Nathan
Mon, October 26, 2009 - 11:11 AMI am not intersted in playing this fucked up game with you Andora. I don't see any healing potential for it.
You put this little barb in there to force me out into the open to squaash/destroy me.... knowing i probably couldn't resist... I get it.
I have my reasons for feeling that way. And guess what?
I love me too. -
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Re: Nathan
Mon, October 26, 2009 - 11:27 AMFirst you say you're not rejecting me, then you say, you're refusing to receive me. sounds like the same thing to me... -
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Re: Nathan
Mon, October 26, 2009 - 11:34 AMso i guess it must be that really, you wish the power postion of being the one rejecting, to cover that you're just UNABLE to recieve me due to your own damage... i get it, and its totally cool, and totally ok with me. i can give you that allowance...and i can be ok with it if you can, that is. you'll heal it in your own time...i'm sure, and i am getting that you may have charge about my non-attachement regarding your recieving me or not... and that's why you felt it necessary to put this barb in your post to me..... well excuse me for triggering your charge inadvertantly here through my honesty... -
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Re: Nathan
Mon, October 26, 2009 - 11:39 AMok, no reply from you... i'll stop here.
Love,
Me -
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Re: Nathan
Mon, October 26, 2009 - 11:53 AMP.S. I think we both know that our mates aren't whole and netiehr are we. Dare I suggest that maybe this could be some kind of opportunity to bridge with a part of our mates coming through each other? I am honestly quite afraid to as I don't know what kind of pain I might be setting myself up for by doing so... No, I dare not... -
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Re: Nathan
Mon, October 26, 2009 - 12:39 PMok well, i guess a cat's got your tongue.
i guess you weren't counting on forcing yourself out into the open in the process of trying to do so to me...
maybe now you can understand how unloving that tack is and perhaps rethink it a little bit.
(i won't hold my breath)
not a good place to be... caught in the crossfire of your gap with luana.
i want out!
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Re: Nathan
Mon, October 26, 2009 - 2:23 PMOMG Nate, are you like hitting on Angora? whoooooo
angora and nathan
sitten in a tree
k-i-s-s-i-n-g
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Re: Nathan
Mon, October 26, 2009 - 2:18 PMDamn Nathan ! You are the grand master of splitting hairs....
there is alot to be said about splitting hairs too,,,,Love YOU ! : ) you corn dog : )
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Re: Nathan
Mon, October 26, 2009 - 1:56 PMGood work Andora, just like the stuff a 10 yearer should be working on,
see ya when you get sane in about 13 years. -
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Re: Nathan
Mon, October 26, 2009 - 1:58 PMWHAT ?? You never read cyquest???
what the hell ELSE didnt you read? I wouldnt even be alive if not for cyquest
Andora, get the hell over there and read every word
and may the baby jesus open your eyes and shut your mouth
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Re: Nathan
Mon, October 26, 2009 - 8:18 PM"and, getting triggered into tears comes and goes throughout my day...i guess that is one reason i live remote...don't want others to see me talking to myself, crying, cussing at folks and i sing. i never know what is going to move through me. out there i feel safe to be my processing ruow fool. "
For me connecting to my emotions, finding my tears is a daily fight/struggle. Often times it seems like its getting easier, but then I get lazy, and slip back into my old patterns almost without noticing its happening....
something luana said to me before we went into the gap: "you know, after all these years going through all the extreme emotions, ruow people eventually find out there is nothing wrong with them, but it took them years of suffering to simply get to the point of realizing this -- what if, after all that, we find that there is nothing to have gained by what we had been WORKING so hard at?"
Luana,
Everyone encounters the judgment that no matter how much I move it doesn't create any real change.... I think though that its just a matter of moving deeper. At least you had the benefit of all that experience to give you some point of reference for what to do when you get there. I didn't so much. I just had to start out there and learn p oint of reference through others. Consider yourself lucky! -
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Re: Nathan
Tue, October 27, 2009 - 3:43 PMif i wasn't willing to receive you Nathan, I would simply ignore your input here
I have been gone, is this why you are feeling rejected?
I am not sending you barbs Nathan, I simply asked that you not pm me days and days ago. even so, you send me pm's and i delete them without reading them!
i told you that i would not receive you in private any longer because it was feeling too difficult to receive your hatred toward me in private...you refused to honor my request and instead come here to build a case against me about how i am giving you mixed messages just so i can hold a power position with you.
I do not need power over you or anyone Nathan
you do not know this about me....you are simply projecting here
it has little to do with me
you and luana are very off base about my motives -
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Re: Nathan
Tue, October 27, 2009 - 6:15 PMnow, on another thread you accuse me of "building a case against you"
do you NEED to be a victim?
i would like to get past your projections so we can resume friendly interactions again
but, if you wish to make me into a "problem" that is "out to get you"
i will have to disengage!
but,
that is not my choice Nathan
you do not understand my motives Nathan, you are putting me into a peg hole, and as i said above, it is pure projection
I have no hard feelings for you
as a woman,
when i request from a man to stop pm-ing me, and he chooses not to honor said request, i would be the victim of your dishonoring of me! But, you went entirely past that, as if i did not have a right to ask that of a friend....let's get to that issue, because it could be one of the core reasons women are turned off by your attention.
even so, I felt like setting some boundaries would be something you could understand, others have been respectful when i asked for that. Now, that you are bemoaning my boundaries as me "making a case against you", i can see how you are relating to your idea of me, but you have little understanding about what i am interested in here.
your take on what is "happening between us" is not accurate just because that is how YOU feel. at this point it seems as though a response from me is hardly necessary since you are having a relationship with an illusion of me.
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Re: Nathan
Wed, October 28, 2009 - 10:29 AMHi Andora,
the recent two pm's i sent you recently were not of an aggressive nature. i felt moved in my Will to send them, and i don't beleive they were in any way dishonoring of you, ... and that is my prerogative, i think. just as it is yours whether or not to read them. if you don't want to read them its certainly up to you, but i htink you did read them.
was not you telling me "i'm not rejecting you, n." and giving this phony explanation of why you want to keep things "out in the open" in reply to my pm where i told you that i would not take it as a rejection if you did NOT reply or respond to my heartfelt overture for PLATONIC intimacy?
to me that's a barb. it wasn't at all necessary to put that in your otherwise fine message, Andora, especially if all you want is the type of friendly relations that can be had out in the open.... and if your intent in that is not as i say, and this is "pure projection" on my part, then i have to wonder what WAS your intent then?
If you are not going to be honest with me, there's really no basis to repair things or resume friendly relations here., nor for bridging... I am not going to even respond to any of the rest of what you wrote here.. .i will not participate in escalation of hostilities. -
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Re: Nathan
Wed, October 28, 2009 - 10:45 AMthought i'd something more to say here, but i think i'll leave it at that. -
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Re: Nathan
Wed, October 28, 2009 - 11:11 AMI will say I don't believe you are a problem and I don't need to make you into one, and if you wish to disengage that's perfectly fine with me. i have no qualms about that. I think I am doing my best to be clear about what it is I wish to have out of this, and if that wish is not mutual, its no problem for me, truly.... but if I disegage, then I wish to so so fully and do not like how it feels for parts of my feelings to feel caught in a trap which is how it felt to me in the barb i am desicribing, (your statement: "i am not rejecting you N.") so i guess my ideal hope here is for a successful and complete disengagement or the sort of platonic intimaicy i have described.... i hope you are capable of one or the other.
platonic: of love or friendship intimate and affectionate, but not sexual. -
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don't bother
Wed, October 28, 2009 - 11:36 AMNathan,
after reading these words you wrote about me: "if you don't want to read them its certainly up to you, but i htink you did read them. " I was very surprised,
now, in the hopes of resuming understanding and intimacy you call me a liar? you are not interested in anything other than being "right" for having chosen to violate my private space!
you are not interested in much else except demeaning me with your "trust issues" and continuing to aggress me
as you said about luana, "I know when she is telling the truth and when she is lying" wtf! you are delusional!
you are so off base Nathan
I will no longer entertain you with my responses to your paranoid delusions
don't even bother writing to me in public either....i will not read anymore of your rot
i have, and do, feel very threatened by men like you....now, when i see your face next to a post on my blog here, i only feel dread and fear = our friendship has definitely descended into the woof and warf of your imprinting. i didn't come here to get blamed for your shit either - judging from the extreme attention that you and luana give me here, i would guess you both think i am a very powerful woman that you are both afraid of. GET THIS NUMBSKULL, I DON'T WANT ANY ATTENTION FROM YOU!
maybe you should save that for someone that is able to mistake aggressiveness for friendly...go stalk them! -
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Re: don't bother
Sat, October 31, 2009 - 4:52 PMandora,
wow. tthis is some pretty strong language in your post here. Ok, i won't bother with trying to sort this one out. not really worth the effort to me. But, just for the sake of clarity, I don't believe you are lying anymore (about having not read my PMs). I won't go in to why I thought so in the first place... as I said, it doesn't seem worth the effort. -
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Re: don't bother
Sun, November 1, 2009 - 11:48 AMi wish i would have read this before my post on auX's nathan, i do feel some relief hearing this from you - i do not make up stories for attention nathan, please know i am not out to get you or any other participant here.
Happy All Saints Day....survived Samhain and had peace. i wish the same for you -
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Rainbow Eucalyptus
Sun, November 1, 2009 - 12:38 PMback on topic,
my North Shore digs.,..
last year when i was busting my butt to fence some land from cattle for tree planting on my daughters farm i was lusting for some rainbow eucalyptus saplings bc they are breath taking and look stunning with the morning sun, my daughter's place has a SE view so the sun and moon can be seen coming out of the Pacific when the cloud cover isn't in the way. So i thought those tree's in just the right place would be a great frame for this daily and amazing spectacle. anyway i didn't have the cash to buy any and i asked this old guy if i could take some of the baby tree's off of his larger ones and he was too old to understand, thought i wanted to cut down his tree's.
i had no idea i would be going back to my North Shore camp to finish the perma-culture design for this land owner, but the Rainbow Eucalyptus did! imagine that? i wanted some of these trees and they planted themselves in the place i would actually end up! not in the place i thought i would be in. the tree's knew better than me. now i have 20 sapplings of these beauties in the spot where the morning sun will light up their gorgeous bark. This is what many call bio-dynamic farming. it is magic really....DESIRE IS THE ALCHEMY OF MAGIC! i am learning how to garden through desire. i've been able to do this with hardwoods too, like koa -- I cleared invasive plants from a patch of ground and then asked the koa to seed it....ended up with about 35 koa sapplings, enough to uproot and transplant some of them. this is good news for folks don't have a big budget, like me
yeah, this stuff makes me elated....this is what i'm talking about! the books promised this type of plant/person relationship and i am able to enjoy this very thing.
FOR ME, PENNANCE IS OVER!
once i remember my OC and align my heart with what i truly desire, then....voila!
it is possible to heal the gap
i do not say i am unaware of the horrible realities all around me because it still shows itself in my physical reflection, I am holding enough of me present to create my own heart-centered reality - even so, my body shows that i still have denial - this is not your fault!.....I HAVE RECEIVED UNTOLD HARRASSMENT AND OBSTRUCTION FROM DENIAL IN GETTING TO THIS PEACEFUL PLACE I HAPPILY SHARE ABOUT
I TOOK RESPONSIBILITY FOR SUCH AND WAS ABLE TO THEN HOLD MYSELF TOGETHER ENOUGH TO AGREE ABOUT WHAT I WANT TO EXPERIENCE. THIS IS REAL AND I DESERVE EVERYTHING I HAVE CREATED FOR MYSELF
I will never let anyone suggest i have not suffered enough in order to be REAL....i know enough about my past to know that the gap is nothing but suffering, so, to get to this unprecedented place in my life is a hard one pleasure that i take great love in being able to witness for myself. why shame anyone for success....i wish the same for you
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Re: don't bother
Mon, November 2, 2009 - 5:17 PMoh, i wish i would have read this before i responded too over there too.
i don't want to continue with this anymore, and sure for all i care we can just whatever resume cordial relations. your gap with luana is really your's and her business. i've said what i think. i really could care less if you two ever sort it out.
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Re: don't bother
Tue, November 3, 2009 - 8:18 AMnathan i just responded to you over there too :}
hard to track the gap....and we have been in a vicious deep hole
i'm still here, and i still love you
i hate the gap -
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Re: don't bother
Sat, November 7, 2009 - 6:54 AMHi Andora,
Thanks for this. i am really sorry we fell into the gap here.. Its very important to me to have your love and I care for you too, and do not wish for our connection/friendship to become yet another casualty of this awful gap! -
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Re: don't bother
Mon, November 9, 2009 - 1:34 PMDITTO TO THAT NATHAN
I have been in vigile these past days and felt the thin bit of love around the edges of this gap - but mostly I was crying for love lost and the aching heart, and....it feels good to be your friend, i so appreciate your presence in the middle of all this, even when we were in the gap, i knew that you were sincerely looking for bridges - i come away with a deeper respect for you as a result of coming through this ugliness back to the mutual love. That is the optimum result of Right Use of Will -
thankyou -
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Re: do bother!
Mon, November 9, 2009 - 3:34 PMthanks for sayhing this,: "even when we were in the gap, i knew that you were sincerely looking for bridges - i come away with a deeper respect for you as a result "...
i really like the chapter in yhour book about Heart. That is my favorite chapter. You communicate an understanding about Heart I feel that has given me a new appreciation for this part of God, and thus a new appreciation for my self... Thank you for this.... I only hope that this is something I can now manifest outwardly in a greater way... -
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Goodness and Mercy
Tue, November 10, 2009 - 6:17 PMwhat a great first post to read after coming back Nathan....I've been alone for days and definitely needed to feel some love
I love the good news about the human heart. Dr. Pearsall's studies led to a most magical quality about the heart , which is that it records our past life memories within it's cellular bank!. His book, the Heart's Code is a fantastic read. I was able to speak with him once...he was very gracious and was happy to let me feature him in my work.
I wish i could adequately describe how loved i feel in this forest camp - it's healing my heart to be there right now and after reading the world news, I can see there is a lot of shit hitting the fan around the world. Plus, we had the closest flyby of an asteroid ever!!! Monday - i just found out a few minutes ago - TALK ABOUT INTIMIDATING FORM
anyway i'll check out some other posts....i so appreciate the compliment on panGasm....i had been feeling pretty downhearted about it recently - so, mucho mahalo Nathan
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lu
Sun, October 25, 2009 - 4:15 PMone of my favorite bumper stickers reads:
"Jesus is coming. Look busy"
was that what you meant when you invoked Mother's name? -
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Re: lu
Mon, October 26, 2009 - 1:29 AMYou better watch out for those spear chucken, jungle bunny, natives,
they got alot of monkey blood in them and they will eat you when tshtf ! -
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Re: lu
Mon, October 26, 2009 - 2:13 PMAngora the rabbit v the hairy ass monkey
You know Angora, when those jungle bunnys are looking at you all dreamie eyed, ? what they are really invisioning is how good you will look on a spit wrapped up in bananna leaves, with an apple in your mouth.
Yummmmm -
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Re: lu
Mon, October 26, 2009 - 2:42 PMNathan, stress not, i dont take Andora Noisenwitz all that seriously....
Actually, you would be alot better off running into her in the jungle than any other jungle bunny on maui....for a while anyway, than hopefull you have a minute to escape before she starts needeling you to tell the truth and all that shit she is going threw at this point in her process ....hint: 10 year reader, never read cyquest, new heart, final responsibility, god channel....etc -
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Re: lu
Mon, October 26, 2009 - 3:14 PMI was going to say in one post to Andora, that the things she says, on this level of communication, can make me feel like moving towards her. But then I find when I do its like I'm turned back on myself, or something... I think I accidentally erased it... -
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Re: lu
Mon, October 26, 2009 - 3:21 PMAnyway, thanks for the love Andora... as far as it goes. -
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Re: lu
Mon, October 26, 2009 - 3:35 PMoh, and by receive me, mainly i mean receiving my tears about something happening in my life. -
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Re: lu
Mon, October 26, 2009 - 3:54 PMwhich i don't even like talking about this much here... feels icky having a bunch of random strangers be privy to what's going on inside me! -
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Re: lu
Sat, October 31, 2009 - 6:14 PMWoops....Looks like Nathan and Angina gaped a little bit here.....Andora LOVES to lead people into traps and than slam the door shut in their faces.....Andora IS the VERY purple bitch from the delphi story....Her moves have not changed much sence than, and, Her agenda is still the same, KILL the REAL "Mother, and, take Her place.
Another part of Her is the prude and the sexless old bitty who thinks sex is dirty and, She is the only one not effected by this program....The program that was run on Human, Mothers ,and, Fathers by the ancient ones, Andora's mentors, who have taken the superiority principal to all new levels in isreal the axis of evil, that she loves so much....
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