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I am feeling hurt and even sad about the personal bashing that is going on here in some of these threads. Is that what we want for this tribe?
I would prefer if we do not attack each other and I don't mean to silence our voices, but to express more honestly what we are feeling rather than attack those who seem at fault for the current drama, and this includes Nathan. I see no reason to attack him for not moderating the way we felt he should, if we have personal issues with him we should be working them out with him one on one, not bashing him in this forum.
Also W.L the attack on Daisy and Luanna seems really personal and mean. I mean get out your feelings about women and how much you hate the thought of the Mother being whatever you don't want her to be, but can we all be respectful enough to not make it personal?
I may not be expressing in words very well what I am feeling here, but I want to express that reading some of the statements made here hurt my own heart. I really hope we can find ways to move the ugliness without damaging each other.
With much sadness,
Rae
I would prefer if we do not attack each other and I don't mean to silence our voices, but to express more honestly what we are feeling rather than attack those who seem at fault for the current drama, and this includes Nathan. I see no reason to attack him for not moderating the way we felt he should, if we have personal issues with him we should be working them out with him one on one, not bashing him in this forum.
Also W.L the attack on Daisy and Luanna seems really personal and mean. I mean get out your feelings about women and how much you hate the thought of the Mother being whatever you don't want her to be, but can we all be respectful enough to not make it personal?
I may not be expressing in words very well what I am feeling here, but I want to express that reading some of the statements made here hurt my own heart. I really hope we can find ways to move the ugliness without damaging each other.
With much sadness,
Rae
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Re: I don't like what is going on
Sat, June 13, 2009 - 6:53 AMSo Rae,
I can appreciate your position and yes perhaps I did make my attacks personal. Thanks for singleing me out here with the comments, some were thrown from the other side as well.
W.L. -
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Re: I don't like what is going on
Sat, June 13, 2009 - 6:57 AMYour right WL I did single you out. I am sorry about that, I think its hurtful from both sides. -
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Re: I don't like what is going on
Sat, June 13, 2009 - 9:02 AMYou don't like what's going on Rae? Then elevate it, start another discussion thread. -
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Re: I don't like what is going on
Sat, June 13, 2009 - 9:04 AMOr contribute what you consider meaningful to an on-going discussion.
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Re: I don't like what is going on
Sat, June 13, 2009 - 9:52 AMHello Karolina
Thats what I thought I did - started another discussion thread so that I could express my feelings.
Not sure if I offended you with my expression or if you are trying to help in your own way? -
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Re: I don't like what is going on
Sat, June 13, 2009 - 10:26 AMI am not offended, nor meant any.
I was just saying, well, do something about it, beyond complaining, because I noticed this is often where dialogue gets bogged down.
-feelings are expressed
-somebody complains
-people are silenced on both sides
-everybody stays in victim mode.
Whoever doesn't like it, offer an alternative to victimhood is what I am saying. -
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Re: I don't like what is going on
Sat, June 13, 2009 - 10:55 AMHi again Karolina,
I felt it was important to speak up about how I felt. I understand my comments can be viewed as complaining but it is not my intention to silence anyone. However I know some voices may feel that way because I expressed hurt but I still wanted to be honest about how I feel.
I do believe this “stuff” needs to come out (even if it’s wonky and ugly) but I also believe we can try to minimize damaging one another in the process. Sometimes this may not be avoidable and I do understand that.
I disagree with your stance– but I respect your right to say what you think!
I don’t believe this issue is as simple as just “starting a meaningful discussion thread”.
I also do not believe that it is as simple as “offering an alternative to victimhood”.
A meaningful thread has been started before and personal attacks have been interjected and then escalated and spiraled out of control.
My intent with this thread was to express my feelings and to ask all of us to try and not attack one another personally, instead to express with one another knowing there is a real live person at the other end of the screen who is here because they are trying to heal.
Respectfully,
Rae -
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Re: I don't like what is going on
Sat, June 13, 2009 - 11:46 AMRae, my point(s) remain unchanged. I have my point there and you have yours, and I am willing to leave that there.
I think it's hurtful and disrespectful to the men here to continue to ask where the heal (ing) (ed) men are when there are several that have proven willing to engage here on this site.
God knows I am neither spokesperson or apologist for men either, but I am speaking up about this matter to you because I am lucky enough in my personal life to have lived 19 years with a man who practiced RUOW from the beginning without ever having opened Ceanne's book. It was his amazing integrity that sent me on the search in the beginning. Of course all things are not sweetness and light, in fact it can get down right ugly and scary between us, but it's real and good too. Same goes for my best friend and bro that I have worked this RUOW material with the past 17 years since I found the RUOW material
Since I have recently been paying more attention to this site than I have in years I am sad to hear other women here express that they don't currently have their right partner and are either alone in their process or feel themselves to be alone in their process.
In direct answer to your question as to where all these healing-their-will men are, they are working their program of healing, they are going to work at their jobs, they are striving for true love's presence and expression to enter their relationships and living their integrity to the best of their ability today. -
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Re: I don't like what is going on
Sat, June 13, 2009 - 4:44 PMKarolina - I am okay with us leaving it at that.
As far as my comments being hurtful or disrespectful to the men here, I guess I would hope they can speak for themselves and tell me how they feel about my words.
I tried to be balanced in my expression but still honest about where I am - even if it is a broken place. I do not deny that the gap I speak of exists inside of me, I am just trying to vibrate it out anyway I can. Talking about my issues with men is usually how the gunk gets moving in me. Maybe some of the men need to do the same?
I am glad that you have men around you who are doing the work and I am glad you see these healing men in your life.
Unfortunately this is not my experience as of yet - but I have hope. -
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This is the maximum depth. Additional responses will not be threaded.
Re: I don't like what is going on
Sat, June 13, 2009 - 6:56 PMYes, that helps me access my denials or places I need to get to: communing with women, Rae
There's still hope :)
Thank you, and Karoline too for your posts here lately; keeps some sanity and sense and more during a 'heap of trouble'
Love BOTH your pics too!
S -
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Re: I don't like what is going on
Sat, June 13, 2009 - 8:06 PMThanks Scott for being present. Your voice is important and gives me hope!
Love and hugs your way.
Rae
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This is the maximum depth. Additional responses will not be threaded.
Re: I don't like what is going on
Sat, June 13, 2009 - 8:30 PMI hear you Rae
My heart goes out to you here.
Getting talking between men & women definitely sounds like the way to get things going in a moving, healing way if we have at least some intent to heal the gaps between us.
I have huge gaps with my mother and sister. I just recently sent my mother a letter to see if we could become friends again or at least some connection. I sent her a very heavy fuck off & die letter a couple of years ago and that she could disown me. She threatened to disown me on a couple of occassions growing up. During the time of 2007 all I was having was these bad, painful memories. There were so many from my childhood. It was hard for me to think of some good ones, but they were there, if I tried hard enough.
Attempting to heal the lost love between my mother and me, what a mountain of hurt/ angry feelings to bridge!
I guess after the suicide of my brother in 94' was the time that my mother decided to warm up to me. Maybe this is what was needed to have happen for her to show some compassion my way, because at the time I hadn't spoken to her since the spring of 89' when we had a huge fight/left home and I certainly had no intention of wanting to keep in touch with her. During that 5 year period I basically had written her off and told her so.
She had my sister to be best buddies with. I learned from an aunt in 2002 that my mother had an unwanted pregnancy when she attended nursing school in the 50's and got knocked up by some doctor at a party. She didn't keep the child, but years later that baby wanted to know who her birth mother was. I was so mad that my mother could tell my sister about this but not share this with me. So much for having any real trust grow between us.
I feel for women that get faced with having to harbour the burden alone, if they get knocked up against their wishes and the guy just fucks off without a care.
I find it to be a scary thought from the books that there is love buried under neath hatred. I find myself being in a bit of an odd predicament with my mother. I have once already told her that I didn't wish to have anything to to with her and then I came around and reconnected with her of which she questioned me about but was receptive to receive me. In 2007 I send her another fuck off and die letter and here I'm trying to reconnect again. And it wasn't from me hoping that she'd put me in her will. I just know that if I'm going to choose life, that this is a gap that I'm inevitably going to have to face and try to find some resolve with.
A few months ago I had the thought of attempting to reconnect with her and I said to myself, no way am I going to bury my pride and do that, she could just as well tell me to go fuck myself. I was very afraid to hear a negitive outcome if I did. Well its a done deal now and I'm still afraid of what the situation will be like if she does choose to reconnect. If she doesn't, I know I 've done what I could do to make amends.
Thanks for listening Rae.
W.L. -
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Re: I don't like what is going on
Sat, June 13, 2009 - 10:47 PMHey...I know you were addressing Rae, but I just wanted to thank you for posting this, W.L. I was able to relate to your feelings about your mom. I have a gap with my mom too. She just isn't capable of caring for me, because then she would have to feel stuff and she may not be able to. Literally. She was shut down WAAAY before she ever had me, and went WAAAY past herself to have me and my sisters. She got rid of us when I was four and never really connected with her again. She is drifting into the mists, and I feel pretty sad about it.
"I find it to be a scary thought from the books that there is love buried under neath hatred."
Something I remember Spirit saying in the books is that, All essence originally emerged as love. Some we can evolve, and some is for Spirit to evolve. Either way, it can't be gotten rid of, only evolved. When I feel hate, I ask for Spirit's help with it. If it's mine, I have help evolving it. If it isn't, Spirit takes it away for me and does what he needs to with it.
Anyway, thanks for the insight into your reality. I feel moved.
Love,
Daisy -
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Re: I don't like what is going on
Sat, June 13, 2009 - 11:50 PMThanks for the warm feedback, Daisy
W.L. -
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Unsu...
Re: I don't like what is going on
Sun, June 14, 2009 - 3:00 AMRae,
Thanks for what you are saying here. I feel your intent of kindness in your post in saying you don't feel I was wrong to moderate as seemed right to me and i appreciate that. I think that a lot of my contribution here has helped to spur a lot of movement, but whether or not it i going to be healing movement remains to be seen. I have had high hopes many times, but just as many times they have been dashed...
The guilt-blame needs to go. That's how I see it. I am hoping that it will, but from what I am seeing so far I don't like it much either, there seems to be a lot of unmovingness in frozen points of view here that seem unapproachable to me. I agree with the observation Karolina is making here about people getting stuck in their "complaints", and I don't think the points the two of you are trying to make are necessarily incompatible with each other.
As I see it everyone here has to face their reflection. No exceptions. I mean if you have denial at all, your Will is going to be at odds with your mind/pov and lead you into situations where it gets triggered. if you don't move it/leaern to recognize it when that happens, you can't heal. I know I am doing my best to do this every time it happens, but its still hard and I do still find resitance to movement in my self.... so I know how that is.
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Unsu...
Re: I don't like what is going on
Sun, June 14, 2009 - 3:16 AMAnyway, as I see it people are going to reflect our denials to us if we are restance to movement... no matter what... They can't help but do so. Just the same as the denied essence can't help but lead us into these situations because it is seeking acceptance/realease from pain .... and really it all works together in concert. This is actually the way of Love.
If you then deny that, however it creates a deadlock. Things then shut down. to me it seems like this tribe's history can be summed up into two alternating phases..... deadlock and madness/insanity.... out of the insanity can come healing, but only if we intend it and are Willing to face our own reflections and be completely honest with ourselves and others. If we are not, then in my opinion we have to just go back to deadlock again and nobody really wants that.
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Re: I don't like what is going on
Sun, June 14, 2009 - 9:14 AMHi Nathan,
I disagree with some of your points but I do not want to get into a big debate over it. Instead I will say that sometimes we all need a dose of our own medicine. You are a part of our community and I consider your voice important even if I do not agree with everything you bring forward.
Wishing you well!!!
Rae
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Re: I don't like what is going on
Sun, June 14, 2009 - 12:25 PMYour posting here Daisy, got me thinking of my childhood.
I don't know from that age if you're able to remember much about your mother but you certainly seem to with what your saying. I guess you felt the need to reconnect with her in whatever way that you could ? Do you keep in touch with any of your sisters?
I know that that famous self-help author Louise Hay said that " We choose our parents" I pondered that a lot and given the jugements that I had carried from a previous life from an intuitive sense, seems to make it add up.
My mother has real issue with dealing with males. My sister was born first and then came my brother and then me. It seems that after me and my brother were born the relationship that my mom and dad had with each other was not what it once was. As a result I think they stayed together out of economic conveinence. I found it hard to communicate my feelings with her & my dad and gave up at early age.
I observed how my parents interacted with one another.
I never once heard them say that they loved each other. They never hugged each other. I never saw my dad give her a good bye kiss when he left for work in the morning. They did have arguements, although it it was pretty much one sided. My mother would do all the yelling and screaming and my dad did all the listening and walking away sulking in his own way. Maybe they really did love each other but nothing from what I could observe.
Maybe that's the way parents interacted with each other then. I suppose I got a lot of ideas on how or what loving relationship ought to look like from what I saw on television and from movies.
My dad seemed to have two forms of expression= Silence and rage. Guess who he had no problem dishing that rage out to? Us kids. I could never understand why he never raged back at my mother?
I know i just felt a lot of sadness around not being able to tell ethier one of them how i felt about things. Two parents that were probably both unwanted pregnancies from their own parents, most certainly my mother gave that impression from her families history.
That's all I want say about this right now.
W.L. -
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Re: I don't like what is going on
Sun, June 14, 2009 - 1:06 PMW.L., when I found myself pregnant, the last thing I wanted was a son. I KNEW I couldn't handle having a boy. So what happened? I had two. Twins, goddammit! I was terrified! How am I gonna raise two boys to NOT be women hating perpetrators? And my daughter became a man when she turned 16. So much for avoiding that.
It sounds like your mom may have been abused. Not that that's an excuse for treating her son badly and alienating you.
I neglected my sons. I was so depressed after they came along, and then their father left me alone with them. One night, Nick wouldn't stop crying and I was so exhausted. In a fit of terror, I threw him down onto the bed screaming, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!
Of course I immediately felt bad, picked him up and held him close. I was losing control of myself quickly, and I didn't know where to turn. Soon I was leaving them with friends and relatives. I had them off and on, more on then off, but still, they were very traumatized by their lives and me being their mom.
Yeah, I believe I got the right mom for me, even tho I hated it/her for neglecting and abandoning me.....again. My whole life has triggered me into past life stuff, as far back as I can remember.
I'm not really in touch so much with my sisters or my mom. They don't call me, but I phone all of them on their birthdays, and listen while they tell me why they couldn't call or see me. It's a load of crap, but I understand the real reason; they can't handle the triggers. None of them are moving this stuff. When we all get together, all they want to talk about are the "good times", all two of them. :)
Have you ever asked your mom if she was molested? Would she tell you? Maybe she was beaten by her father or something.
I can see how you might be filled to the brim with unexpressed charge around what it was like for you to grow up in that home. I mean, it sounds like you all had to tiptoe around your parents to keep stuff from moving. It makes me feel sad for you. I'm sorry you had to grow up that way. I'm sorry we all had to grow up in less than loving circumstances. I'm sorry for what I've done to my children too. Sometimes I see their rage towards me beginning to surface, then they make a judgment that it's unloving, so they reverse on themselves instead, in spite of the fact that, I have given them carte blanch with this and said, "do your worst". I love them all so much, and I hate to see them suffer this way. My poor poor babies!
So, is this stuff triggering you, talking about your family? You sound sad. It sounds like you have a lot of pain there.
Love,
Daisy -
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Re: I don't like what is going on
Sun, June 14, 2009 - 6:48 PMDaisy
I asked my mother at one point years ago what her childhood was like? She told me it was good and that her father was a nice man. She didn't say much about her mother. When I asked her about her mom, she would say well you know your grand mother and see that she's a nice lady. She neglected to tell me that her mother had been on tranquilizers for quite some time.
You know its real ironic, my mother knows so much of my dads history and the chaos of his alcoholic mother and sisters having been instituitionalized at varies levels, yet her side of the family , just seems so nice'n, happy and proper.
Well the aunt who told me of my mothers untold pregnency had some unpleasant stories to tell me about her childhood and my moms mother. When I stayed at that aunts place back in 2002 when I was homeless and suicidal, I came across a family photo album and saw a picture of my mother where she looked like she was 8 or 9 years of age. What I saw into the eyes of that kid, I saw was one very unhappy bewildered girl and all the other relatives of the family looking so happy with smiling faces.
I have asked my mother if she had been sexually abused? She said no, which is perhaps a little disconcerting since she tried to get it on with me once or twice.
Another aunt from the same family told me she got hit the most during her time growing up and when I expressed negitivity about my mother she pleaded with me not to fight or argue or say mean things to her or towards my mother. A lot emphasis to keep things where they are.
Learn to forgive, carry on and make the best of your own life, don't stir up water already underneath the bridge, is what she'd say. If I complain to my mother about one of her sisters shortcomings, she gives me shit, but its perfectly acceptable for her to criticise me and my flaws & call me mean, selfish,accuse me of never thinking about anyboy else but myself. Yeah the denial in my family is there and covered up as much as can be.
Say Daisy how could your daughter become a man at 16 yrs? With a sex change,if I may be so blunt. I know you've shared with me some history of your past, I know little of your childhood after being abandoned.
Maybe healing the gaps with our family members needs to come first or at least with ourselves. Getting to the judgements that we hold within ourselves that reflect the outer reality we experience seems like such far away dream and in a story of a vision of Pangea. From what you've shared with me , you have been able to find a way of getting that stuff changed. I'm impressed.
I have to wonder,if its par for the course that its people like us that come from turbulent families that are the people studying these books? and yet I have family members who wouldn't be too interested with RUOW material. I guess there are many people from simular families where each is on there own evolutionary pathway.
I thinks probably well to conclude that a person who had a happy childhood with loving accepting parents and have those " I can win judgements" working for themselves, would they be motivated to seek out and be attracted to RUOW. The rest of the world may be going for shit but they're reasonably content with the way their lives are working out. I don't know if this is entirely true or not?
Sharing my family stuff here, even on an open form such as this, has triggered me to feel . So that's a good thing for me. If its a safe place where I can move it privately, is a bonus.
I hear you Daisy with your pain and struggle with being a mom against your wishes and wishing you could have done more to raise your kids with better tools at hand. I hear your intent of wishing to be a loving mom. I can feel that.
I read about Nathan saying that he loves his mother and that she did the best of what she could to raise him as she did. I have heard other people say these things and yet I cannot help to wonder that by rationalizing something this way, takes away the triggers to move ones pain or hurt around their upbringing.
I know the books talk about having to feel through the pain of all the experiences that we've had with a partner or parent and then find the capacity to forgive.Because done this way is where the forgiveness is authentic.
W.L.
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Re: I don't like what is going on
Sun, June 14, 2009 - 9:01 AMHi WL,
Thanks for opening up about the women in your life. Reading what you wrote made me think about my brother who grew up with my sister and I along with my Mom because my Dad was not around. There were many things that my Mom would share with us or even just me because I was the oldest and not tell my brother. Even now as adults my Mom sister and I will discuss many things long before we include my brother. Mostly because my brother is really broken – as we all are, but growing up a boy without a father really affected him and everything seems to trigger his anger, rage and terror.
I also notice he holds back from saying what he feels about women right now. Instead it creeks out sideways in sarcastic comments and “jokes”, which seems obvious to me he is covering his pain.
Keeping my brother out of the loop was what we did to “protect” his tender heart, or so we thought, but instead we caused him to feel even more isolated now from Mother, and Father.
Occasionally he and I talk about it but he is reluctant to get too deep into his feelings because he feels he is on the edge of living and dying and that his feelings are too much for him to face, which triggers me deeply because I love him so much and I want and need him in my life.
I believe the same light that is powering men to do the fucked up things they do is also powering women to do the fucked up things we do. So I do not blame *men* but I still need to express my feelings so they can receive love and light and true understandings.
Sometimes I notice is people speaking from this place of “understanding” or so they say, but it feels empty. Like words that have no feelings attached and are devoid of any compassion for weakness. The words seem empty and unbalanced as if they have skipped the expression of the ugliness and moved right into “mental understandings” in order to seen as moving fast and as being “evolved” . These understandings usually are not back up with experience or even any real movement. I think this goes on a fair amount online but its not right for me.
Thanks for your expression, I appreciate your efforts and I am glad you are here.
With loving intent,
Rae -
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Unsu...
Re: I don't like what is going on
Sun, June 14, 2009 - 9:16 AMHi Rae,
In reading through your post to W.L. I am curious about that last paragraph. It seems appropo of nothing and stands out as not fitting with any of the things you are talking about in the rest of your post. Even though you appear to be ignoring me (?) I have to wonder if this is somehow meant as an indirect/oblique response to my post.
I want to say that just because it feels empty to *you* and you don't feel my love, compassion, and the experience which my words and understandings are grounded in, doesn't mean it is empty and doesn't invalidate them, Rae.
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Unsu...
Re: I don't like what is going on
Sun, June 14, 2009 - 9:26 AMOh, well I guess you're not completely ignoring me, but I think I am being sort of dissed here.... sure feels like i am being dissed.
so anyway, so you don't agree with what I'm saying. Fair enough. I do however agree with some of what you're saying, like for example this
"I believe the same light that is powering men to do the fucked up things they do is also powering women to do the fucked up things we do. So I do not blame *men* but I still need to express my feelings so they can receive love and light and true understandings."
I think you're right that the same light is powering women to do stuff that's f'd up or whatever and I think they do need to be accountable for this, same as men. I think its decent of you to even attempt to come to terms with that.
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Re: I don't like what is going on
Sun, June 14, 2009 - 9:44 AMHi Nathan,
I am sorry you feel dissed. That is not my intent, actually I am purposefully trying to do the opposite and acknowledge you even though I am not agreeing with your words in this thread. I do believe you are presenting some understandings here that you do not really have. I also know you are going to be fuming mad at me for saying that here in this open forum, which is why I did not give you a full response with details about what I don't agree with in the first place, because I really do not want to get into a debate with you over the whole thing as I can see you are very attached to your position.
I also stand by what I said previously when you were moderating that you were acting like a tyrant here and making everything here all about you. You are important, but you needed to move back then and you were not doing it for yourself, which is still how I feel now with you presenting these understandings in this thread and other threads the past few days, understandings that I do not feel are full (they feel more like ½ truths).
Regardless of all of this Nathan, I still have love and compassion for you. I know some really screwed up things have happened to you perpetrated from both Mother and Father and I know deep down you just want love and acceptance like the rest of us. So please do not take this as an attack on you, because that is not what I am about, and I hope you know that.
Rae
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Unsu...
Re: I don't like what is going on
Sun, June 14, 2009 - 10:02 AMRae,
No I am *not* a part of this community.
At least, not an *accepted part, and last time I checked to be part of a community you need to first be accepted and recognized as part of that community. No, I am an outsider here. Even W.L. is more accepted than me.
I don't know what you mean by a "dose of my own medicine". Could you explain? What do you see me as having dished out here? I think this is mostly your projection. I am sick of ALL you fucking assholes. It seems like as long as you have me to project all your shit on, you're all "fine" with each other. If I were removed from the equation I bet it wouldnt' be long before you'd all be at each other's throats and rehashing the same issues without even noticing what's happening.
its pathetic really. You're a bunch of hopeless cases and you did this thing to trap me here with you against my will so you'd have me to blame forevermore. If you don't want my help, and don't want to acknowledge me for it, then let me go. Elect a new moderator and delete all of my posts, so I can leave without leaving behind the large chunk of my energy I have invested in this place. you obviously have no interest in resolving with me so there is no reason to hang on to me. As daisy always says, "there's nothing to resolve".
If I had had the oppurtunity, I'd have removed myself from here along with all my posts and been gone already. I consider it a terrible luciferian synergy that just as I was beginning to feel like doing this, I was stopped from doing it.
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Re: I don't like what is going on
Sun, June 14, 2009 - 10:14 AMYou know Nathan
You are still here on this tribe and Rae is willing to communicate with you and offer you feed back.
Luana has a high reguard for your person and presence here.
Dosen't that mean anything to you?
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Re: I don't like what is going on
Sun, June 14, 2009 - 10:23 AMNathan,
What you said here feels more “real” than the rest of your comments lately. At least you are speaking honestly about how you feel, even if what you are saying may get people angry and even if some of what you say might be totally wrong and even mean. At least you are speaking from where you really are at right now. I accept that.
I do accept you, not as our moderator, but as a part of the whole. I do value what you bring forward, even if I don't agree all the time. I do have love and compassion for you, even if I do not know what you are dealing with in your day to day life.
I do know you....as much as you have been willing to reveal to me.
I am not trying to fight with you Nathan, I am trying to be honest about what I feel and still be respectful toward you even when I am in opposition of your position on any given topic. If I am wrong about things here please give me the benefit of the doubt - knowing that I am here - with healing and loving intent.
Anyhow - I have to go for a while I am leaving on a camping trip today so if you say more and I do not respond for a few days that is why.
Rae -
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Unsu...
Re: I don't like what is going on
Sun, June 14, 2009 - 11:15 AM"
I am not trying to fight with you Nathan, I am trying to be honest about what I feel and still be respectful toward you even when I am in opposition of your position on any given topic. If I am wrong about things here please give me the benefit of the doubt - knowing that I am here - with healing and loving intent."
Rae,
Okay I will give you the benefit of the doubt.
by the way I am the first to have used that expression in the context of bridging, and it has since been adopted and used by Daisy and I feel misused by her as some kind of leverage over me, which I do not like. Giving the benefit of the doubt doesn't mean me accepting the view you want taken of you in denial of my true response, and that is a blatant misuse and abuse of the true meaning of the phrase, imo.
I don't agree that its anymore real what i said in my last post. I don't think you're even feeling me here in either of my posts. I mean how does it vibrate you and why don't you give me that feedback if it does? I think you're just being mental and are probably happy about it because you can use my anger expression to support your judgments of me and the mental construct you've erected to basically trap me in here... which really doesn't feel good to me at all.
I don't feel compassion much from you and I feel in some of your posts that your claims of this have an undertone of superiority to them. i also feel like spit on by you in the real compassion I have extended here.
I know also that what I am saying here is grounded in experience and there is no question in my mind regarding this, and by inference, there is no question in my mind that if it feels "empty" to you, that that is just what it triggers in you... a feeling you'd describe as "emptiness".... It doesn't mean it actually is empty, and that you don't have a response to it. I mean I know that from experience sometimes reading the books even feels empty to me, but to use a phrase of Daisy's which I actually do like, "The emptiness is not empty".
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Unsu...
bridging vs. gapping
Mon, June 22, 2009 - 12:08 AMRae,
What you are saying is triggering to me, I feel, primarily because you are presuming to tell me about my self, (i.e., what understandings i have/dont' have), which I nearly ALWAYS find "triggering" even if what the person is saying is something "positive", like "you're so smart" or "you're so talented" etc. I don't like when people tell me about me unless they are really FEELING me and actually connecting to my experience of me and *I* can feel that from them in the input they give.
This does not happen that often in my expierience, but when it does, it is what I would refer to as "bridging". Its happened here with Luana a couple times recently here and felt amazing and helps me to move deeper layers of my Will. It happens with people in my life sometimes who are close to me and not on the internet. I find it extremely difficult to relate to you here even when the words you say sound like you are being "nice" to me. At first I was triggered into rage at your "sappiness" here which felt sickening to me especially because it felt like at the same time I am being dissed/shunned, but I don't know if it would really feel any better were you just overtly being "mean" to me.
Anyway, I realize that even though you appear to be making statements about me, that you are really just talking about your own experience, but when you turn it in to statements about me, it becomes twisted beyond recognition. Often when people start telling one another about each other in a charged situation, it becomes "the point of no return" Karolina spoke of in another thread, and this makes healing much more difficult, imo, and the more it goes back and forth, the further away from healing it becomes. I think what might be best here would be to back away from that, and try to talk more directly here about your own experience, otherwise, if all you can do is diss, then just own that that's what you're doing here instead of pretending to have acceptance for me..
Also I want to add that me coming at you with blame and rage may feel more "real" to you, but its really not all that helpful on my end if you're holding judgments here that don't understand what the rage is really about. It just feels like a reimprinting of the same old stuff without healing the issue, and I prefer not to play in to that if I can help it. -
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Re: bridging vs. gapping
Tue, June 23, 2009 - 8:33 AMrepeat...repeat...repeat...repeat...repeat...repeat....
Thats what this whole thing feels like to me.
I am not into arguing or nit picking everything apart and analyzing it down to the micro-cosim Nathan...I am what I am, and I am not interested in the microscope approach.
Love me, Hate me, Tolerate me....whatever you want.
Hugs and Love to the real you.
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Unsu...
Re: bridging vs. gapping
Wed, June 24, 2009 - 7:45 PMRae,
Well your posts just feel like shit to me so what? I guess I just assume it must be because I have so much charge in my gap and you just can't help but reflect it back at me this way. so I guess if your posts feel bad to me its nothing to do with you cause its my own reflection and is all because of me and not at all you. And If my posts feel bad to you, its also all because of me. So I guess I have to just take it all upon myself then even though I feel like trying to do that is killing me. It feels like its killing me to have to sit here and feel like being pissed on shit on, and stomped on is what I deserve and I have no right to say anything about it because of being male.
I figure that would suit you just fine if it did kill me too. I figure you and Daisy probably both just tell yourselves its what I deserve for being male and for being the "tyrant" you project me to be.
Maybe it'd be fine would me too. I mean what should I want to live for when all I get reflected back to me everywhere I see is hatred?
Guess what? On the way to a concert last night in a neighboring town I pulled out in front of a semi as I was making a left and he hit his break and tried to avoid me but side-swipted me. It was quite a shock. Really shook me up. I could have been killed easily and everyone is saying I'm so lucky to have walked away from it.
"it could have been a lot worse...you could be dead" they're saying.
All I can think is how could that be worse?
I just bought this car a couple weeks ago and paid $3000 cash for it which is almost all the money I had. Its probably the nicest car I've ever had. Now its fucking damaged and fucked up, just like me. I can't have anything nice or pleasant in my life because of how damaged I am. I can't have love or pleasantness or joy or passion either becasue of how damaged I am. I can't have nice things and anything I ever do get that feels nice gets quikly taken from me one way or another sooner or later...
There isn't any love or caring for me either when this happens Nothing and no one to comfort me and tell me its ok and its not my fault. No one kisses it and makes it better. Quite the opposite actually. the only thing I ever get reflected back is hatred. Why is that? Am I myself truly that hateful a person?
Especailly this is true when it comes to you all. i can always count on you to reflect nothing but my self-hatred bsck to me. All any of you people do is just keep heaping on the shit, the blame, the guilt, the projections and the judgments and telling me I deserve all this shit. Its a taste of my own medicine you say. Well what does that medicine taste like Rae? Do you even know? Have you truly tasted it? Have you really felt its painful, bitter sting? or is that just some stupid thing you came up with that sounded good to you and seemed like a good enough justification for your own hatred? or is it like a good way to casually fuck me over and not have to feel bad about it cause you can tell yourself that's what I deserve and you're SURE it must be wht I deserve cause I'm a man and men are all evil perpetrators right?
To be hated and shoved out and smacked into hell and told i'm wrong and its my own fault is what I deserve for what I've done? I was so tyrannical to say "this feels bad to me". I was so tyrannical to say I won't allow people to fucking wantonly fucking abuse me and dump shit on me and to kick them off if they insist on doing so? You think the fuckedupness is all just in everybody else Rae? Get real. I'm sick of taking your blame I'm sick of taking daisy's blame while having you all claim its me blaming you. Fuck off the both of you skanky, man-hating ho's with your stupid man-hating pov's.
I do believe you that it doesn't truly feel good to you and you don't truly "like" what's happening, How fucking could you if you have any Will at all? it feels HORRIBLE to me but God if I try to say that, JESUS look out. I just get CLOBBERED for it! I'm fucking SICK of that. I KNOW this does not really feels good to you either, but you dont' mind pretending its fucking great and you're having a wonderful time just so you can get revenge on me... for what? Pain "I've" supposedly given you that you've never even felt? Really i think its more that I have triggered your pain in the gap that you never want to feel and you're blaming me for that. Blaaming me because I am trying to help HEAL this awful gap. So this is what I get for trying to help. Blamed, judged, smacked, shoved down by gapped rage into a hell where i can't vibrate anymore and killed. Shoved under by gapped fuckers like Scott and W.L., running rampant with their denied hatred.... who've probably NEVER moved an emotion in their fucking life and don't even know what one feels like anymore cause they're both too gapped and stupid to even put a sentence together.
Oh yeah wait I forgot W.L. moved an emotion last week. Wow! Then had a beer! Wow. That's a good one! Real commitment there. Way to go man! Next time maybe just skip the feelings and go straight to the beer!
And someone like me here who's committed tries and stfuggles in the face of utter hopelessness and insurmountablel odds to move his shit and vibrate feelings in the middle of neverending horrible Hell, strives to understand his part and works tirelessly to heal the Will and the two of you want nothing more than to kill me for it.
I really appreciate all the "love and support" I'm getting here from you.
NOT
So eat shit Rae. If it feels like "repeat repeat repeat" to you, then maybe that's just your own damn reflection, cause you sure as hell feel like that to me.
Analyse that.
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Re: bridging vs. gapping
Thu, June 25, 2009 - 12:48 AMyou hate yourself, nathan. that's your reflection. you project it instead of owning it. no one else wants your hatred either. you seem to be the only one with any use for it, and honestly, why don't you just ask spirit to send it to it's right place? do you really believe you are so worthless that only we can tell you who you are? do you need us to accept you so badly? why don't you just try finding acceptance for yourself and see how we feel about you then? aren't you tired of this go nowhere path yet? it's your job to love you first. if you can't, then how can we? you are a master isolationist, even better than me. all you need is one single reason to believe what unloving light says, and it seems so fucking easy for you. turn away before it's too late, nathan. soon there will be nothing left of you anymore. -
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Unsu...
Re: bridging vs. gapping
Thu, June 25, 2009 - 3:49 AM"and honestly, why don't you just ask spirit to send it to it's right place?"
I HAVE, and I don't think it works like that, Daisy. i wish it did cause then did it would have been done already. What makes you think I HAVEN'T asked, begged, cried, pleaded and screamed bloody murder already a hundred times?
Obviously if God has the power to do this and hasn't, then God hasn't heard me, or maybe doesn't care to.
I know I've made mistakes, and lots of them, but I've also made very earnest effort to love my self, because I WANT life. But it comes to naught. Any healing I make is so quickly and easily reversed.
I give up. I can't try anymore, and so It already is "too late" as far as I'm concerned, and yeah I know very well that I stand to lose everything. That's why I am so desperate for help here. I feel myself to be loving, but I have no way to know my self other than through the reflection I get back. Its not that I choose to "believe the lies". Even if I know within me that they are not true..., the lies just become my reality. I don't have within me enough strength to repel them. That's why I need them to just stop coming in on me.
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Re: bridging vs. gapping
Thu, June 25, 2009 - 7:40 AMNathan,
It’s hard for me to respond to you with the gentle care and loving support you need when you attack me with comments like “eat shit” and when you call me a skanky, man hating ho. When you write those things to me I feel hopeless to even communicate with you, which I realize is how you feel about me. Still Nathan you answer so many of your own questions and conflicts in your message to me, and I agree your self-hate is working hard to take you out.
I am going to try to share with you what I am feeling and it’s up to you to take it or leave it.
I do feel your pain, and I always have, that’s why I am still here willing to walk through this with you.
I had issues with how you moderated this tribe and I don’t always agree with you but I don’t hate you, and I don’t hate you because you are male.
Actually the opposite is true, I feel for you and I am sad you are suffering. When I read what you wrote about your car accident I could feel how much you are hurting and I wish I could help, but I remember when we use to talk on the phone a couple of years back, even then you had such a hard time receiving any love and support from me and it seems to me that is still true.
The situation we are in feels hopeless to me. It seems that you will just argue with me no matter what I say. If I say something soft and gentle or something harsh you react to me with distrust and anger, or you patronize me and tell me about how I am being superior or something. Which makes me just want to not communicate with you because it does not seem helpful to either of us. Thus my feelings that this whole situation is a repeat…
I have a young son, and he is very emotional. When he is really angry or hurt he will sometimes react by pulling on me and pushing me away at the same time. He is so caught up in what he is feeling that he can’t receive my care but he also desperately wants me to stay present for whatever he needs to express. So I hold him, really tight while he tries to fight me. He will kick and scream and yell at me and cry and eventually he moves into sobbing and I just rock him and hum/sing a little. After a while he usually calms and we talk about how he was feeling and then we move on with the day or whatever we were doing.
I know you are not a child, you are a grown man with a modern mind filled with a lot of information and I am not telling you this about my son to make you feel smaller than me (because I trust that my son knows things far more than I could ever imagine), but….my point is that sometimes we all need to just surrender.
I think you desperately want and need a physical person in your life to give this to you…and you deserve that Nathan and I hope you can move whatever you need to so that this reflection of being so alone and unacceptable can move for you. I know you have been here in this place for a long time and I for one am here the best I can be for you, trying to support you.
I can feel you may not want to hear this, but I need to say it anyway….
In the past, I have offered to meet you when you are in Minnesota, and I would have driven ½ way to meet you just so you could talk to someone in person about how hard this all is, but you have always rejected that from me and I respect you enough not to push you there, but Nathan at this point it seems like you are caught in a cycle of poor me while ignoring those who are reaching out a hand to you.
I am sure there are even people in your life who are doing the same but you convince yourself what they offer is not good enough, or that they have motive to hurt you, or that they are below you as an excuse not to take what they offer you.
Maybe it’s time to take a risk Nathan and open to those around you so you can get the love and support you so desperately want and need.
I hope you find your way through this Nathan.
Hugs,
Rae -
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Unsu...
Re: bridging vs. gapping
Thu, June 25, 2009 - 11:27 AMHi Rae,
Thank you. I am really touched by this. I feel your kindness and I feel we have crossed a gap here.... I know that kindness has been there all along waiting and hoping for an opening to get through. This event provided one and I feel like that's a good thing.
..there is more i could say here, but i will leave it at that for now... -
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Re: bridging vs. gapping
Thu, June 25, 2009 - 11:56 AMNathan, someone told me recently that what we are moving is bottom of the barrel stuff. It's difficult to see anything from this place of seemingly unmoving lost will. While it feels as if nothing is moving, if you are human, that's just a feeling. I am POSITIVE that Spirit is right there helping you to take away what is really hurting you. Hang in there, because it gets much worse before relief comes.
Self hate is unloving light. Don't believe anything it has to say. When it starts vibrating in you, before you take it in, ask Spirit to take it. Turn your beliefs away from this light. Don't feed it with your beliefs that this could be true. Suspend belief until you have more information. Who you are and what you do are not the same thing. Spirit LOVES you. I am waiting to give my love to you too.
I see how much you are suffering. Please let us in. All I ever wanted was to love you for who you are, NOT for what you do or have done. I don't think that I will ever give up on you, just back up when I need to. I am not out to get you, I am not out to take you down. I just wish you could move towards me with a little trust in your heart once in a while.
Love,
Daisy -
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Unsu...
Re: bridging vs. gapping
Fri, June 26, 2009 - 12:10 AMDaisy wrote:
"Nathan, someone told me recently that what we are moving is bottom of the barrel stuff"
Yup. this fits with my understanding.
Love, Nathan
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Re: bridging vs. gapping
Thu, June 25, 2009 - 9:19 AMNathan
I know you probably don't give a dam about what I have to say? I get the impression your still very pissed off with having been removed as moderator for this tribe?
I once knew of a person on this tribe who was good friends with you at one time and he spoke about your person to me.He also wanted to blackmail me that if I didn't resolve my gaps with you he was going to take himself off my friends list. As it turns out what Daisy is telling you here from June 24, is the same stuff that he told me about you.
You know we have a fair a bit common,namely mutual worlds of isolation,loneliness, unmet needs, Original Cause. I wouldn't be surprised if we both fragmented from the same spirit? It seems both of us have had very trying ordeals with our mothers.
I once shared some personal family history with this lady from the RUOW.network. She felt that my mother was a rage fragment of the Mother.
At one time I only knew of only one person in Alberta who was into RUOW. Unfortunately I got a wee bit too impateint from not hearing back from her when I sent her an email to connect with me to inquire why and that was enough to push her away. I have to watch my step with my demands/neediness from other peoples space, in which case if I cross the boundary they'll ethier flee or try to dominate my life.
I hope that you can cut Rae some slack here. I don't know what else she could possibly say more to accomodate you ? She too is busy raising a young son and having to deal with meeting his needs , let alone trying to get her own met.
If I feel the need to have beer or a bucket of icecream wth this healing pathway of moving stuff and not feeling I'm getting the desired results in return, then I will do what I need to do to take care of myself. -
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Unsu...
Re: bridging vs. gapping
Thu, June 25, 2009 - 11:45 PMW.L.,
Its not that I don't give a dam what you have to say. Its just that I am very wary of relating with you until you have gotten some more Heart Presence than you have now. I sense the beginnings of this in you, but still I have gotten bit too many times in trying to bridge with you. Its much like that old joke where a man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, it really hurts when I do this" and the doctor says "well don't do that then!" You might say I chose to take the doctor's advice on this.
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Re: bridging vs. gapping
Fri, June 26, 2009 - 11:50 AMNathan
It doesn't sound like an old joke to me.
I'm wary of relating to you as well. In the scheme of things there is a tangable difference between Heart Presence and control. -
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Unsu...
Re: bridging vs. gapping
Fri, June 26, 2009 - 3:02 PM"In the scheme of things there is a tangable difference between Heart Presence and control."
Obviously.
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Re: bridging vs. gapping
Tue, June 23, 2009 - 3:29 PMNathan
You've returned. I guess you couldn't stay away from some of us assholes here long enough ?
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Re: I don't like what is going on
Mon, June 15, 2009 - 3:05 PMHello Rae
Nice to hear you elaborate on some family history from your own. It got me thinking about some things.
All I know is I didn't think it was very fair of my mother to convey something to my sister and not to me and I don't know if she would have shared the information of her unwanted pregnancy with my brother ethier had he lived. I just know that a probable projection for having fairness and equality are issues that are going to exsist with this sort of thing, not to mention as well, the avenues of mutual consideration and respect.
I'm in the process of reading the last chapter from Earth Spell. Along the lines of what I'm describing in the previous paragraph, Spirit talks about having given the angels too much information, going against the advisement of the Mother. This seems be a pretty tricky subject. I think most people can read into things given different depths of information revealed. Perhaps we underestimate or overestimate what a person can or can't handle and if we do, we can rationalize that its to protect the other persons feelings, but often times it can be to protect our own.
It seems inevitable that favortism is going to exsist in any given family structure, it certainly occurred in the Godhead and much has been addressed on the subject of positioning or who are Gods favorites.
I guess you and the other members of your family had your reasons from keeping things from your brother.Perhaps there sound reasons, perhaps not?
I have been guilty of shooting my mouth off about events in my life to people of whom I thought I could trust believing the best about people ,only to be stabbed in the back with a preface belief that I should love my neighbour and attempt to appease the wishes of God or Jesus to thus have earned a good place it their books. Of course Heart doesn't take into account the denials of denial or Luciferians spirits from the Bible. I know I have lacked better discernment with what others have told me in confidence and shot off my mouth without considering the ramifications for doing so and end up hurting those people.
My dads life got rudely interrupted when I was 11 yrs. Maybe my dad ment well but he forced all of us kids to participate in his hobby of sailing with his boat. At the time I was forced because my folks didn't want to have to bother with the fuss or cost of a baby sitter. During this time my brother was old enough to not need supervision, so he basically said fuck you dad and didn't have much to do with my dad or mother . My sister took an interest with the sailing. I would've too but, I got sea sick very easily, so it was no fun for me having to puke over the side of the boat.
There were divisions in my family and I'm sure they probably exsist with other families where the daughters will hang out with there moms because there females and the boys will hang out with their dad for the same reason. Hmmm.......
After my dad passed on, years later my mother offered to take us kids down soth to Mexico or Cuba for a holiday to escape the winter for a bit. My brother refused to go with us on three occasions. I can only imagine that he felt alienated and isolated being with my mother and sister. I got along with my brother most times. I looked up to him and often followed his example of doing and being. He was a role model for me now that my dad was no longer around.
It seems that both he and I didn't have the greatest relationship with our mother, certainly not the way my sister did.
W.L.
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Re: I don't like what is going on
Sat, June 13, 2009 - 10:39 AMI also do not "like," what is going on, and, ALL of this has already been hashed and, re-hashed on GC, YEARS ago, WHERE are all of those fine Men who have SURELY evolved to God's present LOVEING FEELINGS for Mother, Light ?
and,
GREAT REMORSE for how She has been treated here on Earth, and elsewhere.
Im looken for that Man who carries around a pedicure kit with many colors of toe nail polish , just so He can have a chance to hold Mother's foot, and, tell Her how BEAUTIFUL Her little toes are, and how Sacred, and how BELOVED in His Eyes, while He Loveingly and painlessly, and, tearfully, paints every little toe till they are pretty, so that Her gnarled and callased, and staff infected foot can Heal,
BUT NO! Alls we get here in this tribe is a couple of half baked, loafers, with terminal "spirit disease,"
Thank You Rae, for comming in here to help..... I have NO problem with You, QUITE the contrary. : )
Karolina, get a water pureifyer that takes ALL of the fluoride out .
NEVER eat anything with aspartame, or MSG in it.....
NEVER watch TV,
Learn about Kelation theropy herbs., sing and, dance Your way around the house.....you know.
Those goddamned, Mother murdering devils have a lazor beamed right to Her oranges, reds, and, yellows....aimed by his inslaved, confused, fragmented, and diseased, minions, who do his bidding.
WHERE ARE THE EVOLVED MEN IN THIS PROCESS ??????
These guys...after ALL this time, they STILL just do not, "get it."
I woke up this morning thinking i am just going to deleet myself from this tribe, but, Your post here, Rae, has given me some insentive to hang around a little longer...but, if i have to fight off one more attack from these, gay ? 'men," who seem to be carrieing TERMINAL,"spirit,disease" ....well.... i just cant hang
Finalresponsibility is waiting for me, and, im gonna go there, now
LOVE
I
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Re: I don't like what is going on
Sat, June 13, 2009 - 11:03 AMHi Luana,
Thanks for responding, I am glad you are here!
I have to say I agree with what you are saying about healed men - where are ya'll????
Not saying all of us chicks have it figured out, but I get so frustrated feeling like many of the men are just waiting for someone else to do the work for them. Which we just cannot do - or worse they really do not want to heal this with us - which breaks my heart too much to fathom.
I know there are some men working it, THANK YOU TO THOSE WHO ARE, and I know I will get some flames for agreeing with you here but I cannot deny that I too wish more men were working the program and OUT about it.
Hugs sister!
Rae
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Re: I don't like what is going on
Sat, June 13, 2009 - 12:56 PMHey Luana, I have massive grief and hopelessness about Jim. When you told me that he would come back, there is always a glimmer of hope that, he WILL show up with his little "love Mother" kit and love me the way I deserve, but I can't hope for that anymore. Unfulfilled hope for him makes me want to die.
He presented himself as being more "healed" than me, but his own inner gaps took him down and he blamed me for it. I see this drama over and over again. So many of my friends are going through the same thing. I was willing to help him, but, that doesn't work when all he saw of me is that I am the enemy.
Love you.
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Re: I don't like what is going on
Sat, June 13, 2009 - 2:12 PMDaisy, *tears for Your EXCRUTIATEING pain here*
Daisy, I Love You, You GOTTA know that right?
What i did was i fasted on beet, garlic and carrott juice and prayed and cryed and skeemed and obsessed and waited and tanned : ) and primped,and gardened and cleaned and painted and did pentance and begged Mother's Help, for MONTHS !
Jim knows where Love is.
meanwhile
I was getting all skinny and looken fine and going out danceing when i was strong enough to pick my face up outa my own snot, tears and vomit......Theres this guy named Robbie Blender, He lives over in the next town...20 years ago i told Him to read the RUOW books and He JUMPED on it ! : ) Robbie is 6 ft, 2, LONG blond hair...built like Odonnis...fat lips, any ways me and Him went to a huge hippy gathering togather while Billy was gone.....ALL night long, He held My hand and walked me around the gathering with His arm around me, kissing my hair and intent ONLY on Me : ) We went up to the band stands and He would just stand close to me , swaying slightly, NOT DANCEING AROUND LIKE A RED ASS BABBOON...Just fixated on me who was scoreing up into the fire like a flayling shalaley and everybody was just watching my exqusit moves as i danced harder than Annie Apple at a dead show....(Annie came into me that night, and Robby could see Her, Robbie was HOPELESSLY in Love with Annie when She was alive.....Robbie , He put the fine tune on My Healing, and, erased the demoralizeing pain connected with getting dumped by a guy who was not fit to polish your toe nails in the first place....Robbie and me know the same songs, we sing togather in real nice harmony....Robbie is an EXCELLENT guitar player and singer ( professional)....and He TOTALY "gets it" on the Mother levels
When i finally found Billy all stabbed up and in jail in talequah....I was able to come in there and ALL POWER to save MY DARLING !!!! WAS MINE !!! and MAGIC started happening and just wouldnt quit....i litterally rescued Him from the very grasp of lucifer....i PROMISED God that i would take even BETTER care of Him....God gave me one more chance to help Him, and, i brought Him home and went threw alcohol, addiction reduction, process....It has taken me 6 months of HORRER watching Him posessed by the devil on famaldihide based beer....baby sitting Him so He wouldnt get arrested ....pure diet, herbs, COPOUS PRAYER and ( True Sacrifice) demon extraction when He would pass out....POURING LIFE SUSTAINING LIGHT INTO HIM.....Till i myself would pass out on the floor in a pool of sweat and tears....I FINALLY got a pretty good batch of natural beer made for Him....when that was gone, He went and got some more zombie juice and got DEATHLY sick....that was 3 weeks ago....He has not drank anything sence.....Have You heard about Ibogaine? google it.....Im trying to get some seeds to grow some plants
Right now Billy has a BEAUTIFUL portrate of Mother all finished.....She is standing in a temple with all these masonic symbols threatening Her, they are worked into the walls and plants all around her....but the REALY AMAZEING part of this painting is that it is layered with floresent paint that you can not see when the lights are on, but, take this painting into the dark and there is an image of Our Mother naked and all slutted out, with long black stockings and gloves, ...Its called, Yahway's nightmare, : )
Right now, He is in Our BEAUTIFUL back yard putting a moter scooter togather for me, than He is gonna paint it with all kinds of otherworldly symbols and dream glympses....He lets me drive his BAD ASS camo truck all over town, the one He painted Himself with all the symbols and trees worked into the camo....People FREEK when they see it...it is a 1971 ford currior with a stick shift ....in EXCELENT macanical condition, Billy is a EXCELLENT macanic, makes his own gaskets and seals, saves thousands, alters everything into a piece of mind boggeling art.
He gots this camo camper up on blocks in my back yard, its His little room...ALL gutter punked out !.....He plays the banjo and sings dock boggs songs in there...a low moan, the way He sings....I stand outside and play my fiddle a low moan, with alot of slow double stops and, slides into position .....His kisses are sweet as soda pop.....How PRECIOUS does that Grace appear.
Daisy ...
If You let go of Jim....I mean with Your Light....He will be gone, ....Hang on !!!! dont let go !!!
Daisy....Love is alive
Magic is afoot !
God will find a path for Him to walk Home to You upon
better this time
a little better this time
Heres a song for Him, and, You
"comming back to me"
from the serialistic pillow album
( Grace Slick's first album)
I Love Your Loveing, Loveing, PERSERVEREING, STARVEING, Heart
FOREVER !
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Re: I don't like what is going on
Sat, June 13, 2009 - 1:42 PMThere, Luana goes again with this gay description name calling ordeal and then attacking Karolina for her views on things in a round about way with put down remarks. -
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Re: I don't like what is going on
Sat, June 13, 2009 - 2:34 PMLuana, *snif*, thank you for the words of beauty and hope. My heart is hurting for him so much. I have a GIANT Jim shaped hole there that only he fits into. I am so depressed. My love has no container.
I haven't been able to leave my house for a few days. I slept most of the day away yesterday and didn't answer the phone. Sometimes it's all I can do to just hang on and not die.
So much pain. It's good to have friends that understand.
I love you from the bottom of my heart.
Thanks again.
Daisy -
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Re: I don't like what is going on
Sat, June 13, 2009 - 2:46 PMI'm gonna go outside for a little while, and play my guitar for people. I feel sad. I'll play really sad songs and make other people cry too.
Have a great day, folks.
Love,
Daisy
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Re: I don't like what is going on
Sat, June 13, 2009 - 2:49 PMOne more thing before I go.....
"Daisy ...
If You let go of Jim....I mean with Your Light....He will be gone, ....Hang on !!!! dont let go !!!"
Thank you for saying this, Luana. I have been letting go as much as I can just so I can live, but in my heart, I love him so, and that part of me CAN'T let go. It would be impossible without also losing big parts of myself. So, I hold onto a wing and a prayer that, we will one day see each other again, and he will have healed his hatred of me.
Love,
Daisy
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Re: I don't like what is going on
Sat, June 13, 2009 - 3:55 PMThank You Darling for haveing the striength to utter these words to me.
So after i wrote to You, i was all misty eyed and in Love and, i went into the back Yard, and i said to Billy, "Im so glad that God gave me another chance to help Your skathing misdirected ass,"
To which He replyed, "Im glad gave YOU another chance to see what a rageing controll freek you are,
now get in the kitchen and rustle me up some grub." !
I looked up in the sky and whispered ,Thank You God," to which God replyed, "whatever," : )
If You want some real insites into how it goes with me and billy
google
"Julie Brown, just say Julie Po Po the clown,"
I showed it to billy and from than on He refers to himself as Bo Bo the banjo player.
Maybe Julie can cheer You up
Love You Girlie Pie -
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Re: I don't like what is going on
Sat, June 13, 2009 - 4:08 PMOne more thing Dear Daisy,
I know that a part of You is emagineing Him in some dark hotel room, giveing some retarted babe ALL of the Light that YOU gave to Him
UNAUTHORISED !!... I know this thought drives you insane with HORROR feelings about what You would do the both of them if you walked in there....
"Id better off in a pine box
on a slow train back to georgia
or the cold gray walls of a prison doing time
i think id rather die and go to hell and face the devil
than to lie here with you and her, togather
on my mind.....
(kind of self torture)
HUH !!!!!...
NOT EVEN CLOSE !!!!! : ) : ) : )
and after ALL of that torture you are tortureing yourself with, wait till he gets back and you find out all he got was drinks thrown in his face and giggles from girls who are wretching about what a creep he is....if they dont streight call the cops on him, or run over him with their car to get away from him....
You'll see : )
Thats what happened to billy.....thats ONE of the reasons he is here right now.....
I am the ONE Woman who doesnt wanna streight puke in his retarted looking face -
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Re: I don't like what is going on
Sat, June 13, 2009 - 7:48 PM"I am the ONE Woman who doesnt wanna streight puke in his retarted looking face"
WORD!!
Yeah, I guess that's what I'm hoping for...that one day he'll realize that I'm the only one who even WANTS to love him, cause he acts like a TOTAL ASSHOLE, but I see underneath to the truth of his suffering.
Sometimes I wish I didn't see shit, cause your right; when I DO bother to think about him, all I can see are the daughters he's poking and the lies he's feeding them. How could I take that bastard back, hmmm? He NEEDS to crawl on his hands and knees and BEG my forgiveness, then he has to live for at least 6 months without a WORD of love from me, and he better not complain about it. Even then..............I still might make him sleep with the dogs and do penance until I don't feel like I want to decapitate him anymore for all the lies he told and all the promises and commitments he broke to Mother when he said he would never leave me. He promised HER and FATHER that, he would stick it out with me when he married me in their sight. I ain't the only one he has to contend with here.
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Re: I don't like what is going on
Sat, June 13, 2009 - 7:21 PMLuana
Bite me ! -
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Re: I don't like what is going on
Sat, June 13, 2009 - 7:47 PMHey, some 'unknown' put fascist pics up on the Tribe here; then calls Hitler a coward
so how can I agree?
Thanks Tracy and Treee for yours'
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