So, I break in every now and then, to talk about what it's like now. Living my life after all the trauma and drama...
One of the first things I've learned is that there are no rules to having a serious disease. And cancer in particular. You would think that with all the poor folks getting this, that there might be a guidebook on what to do if you are diagnosed. I have yet to find a book like that. And for some reason, the advice from my survivor friends helped only a little. Because I was dxed with a type no one I know has had before. So, it wasn't really going to help me.
The first thing I noticed during recovery in a physical way was the amazing hallucinations I had when it got dark! wow!! Everything became vibrant, the lack of color from the darkness caused my brain to make colors and patterns that were'nt there. It felt like a search engine looking for the subject.. it was just slamming all kinds of really nice bright pinks and greens and other unnameable colors into my brain, trying to find that other eye. The poor remaining eye was struggling. Our flowered shower curtains glowed in the dark with an incredible psychedelic paisley print. And everything looked like a negative print from a camera.
Now, most of this happened, as soon as hubby turned out the light to go to bed.. so he had to prepare me... and the moment the lights went out.. BLAM... the lights clicked on in my head, so to speak. No, I was not tripping.. no drugs. It was all natural. who knew???
Also, there were the patterns dancing around, so I kept running into things. One time, I got lost in our hallway, looking for the bathroom. I ended up in a corner, stuck.. not sure which way to go. :)) The hall is quite small actually, but there I was, facing the wall, a la Blair Witch...I could have sworn I was in the bathroom. (bear in mind, that most of my nighttime forays had to do with finding the bathroom, so I was always a bit desperate).
after a couple of months, I learned to use the light of my hallucinations to find my way around in our apt. at night. So, I got so that I didn't need regular light anymore, I had my own.
This did not frighten me. I was absolutely astounded by it every time. I could spend many minutes staring at any one thing, watching it turn and move and glow.. yes, it was psychedelic, and it was fun. Hubby started getting a little jealous. It's hard to put into words really. A blank wall was no longer blank... everything had texture and color. I kept myself awake so I could look at everything and try to find the words to put this experience into my journal.
I also have found that I can still "see" with both my eyes closed. I can literally see the outlines of things in the eye that no longer exists. I'm not sure how. But now, I rarely hallucinate, I just see things differently in the dark. I don't go outside much, because that is when I will most definitely fall over something. But inside our place, it's all good.
And the other thing is, regardless of what illness does to our bodies, WE decide how we are going to feel and live. I don' thave medical insurance right now, so have no idea if the cancer has spread or not. And to be honest, I feel good, and if it spreads, it spreads. I will not live my life going to dr. appts. and medical tests that hurt like a bitch. I'm done with that. Because all those visits only depress me.
In the end, we all have to go out some way, none of us knows when our time has come.. the most important thing is to live as vibrantly as those colors on my shower curtain.
What maybe sets me apart from most folks is that I KNOW, without a shadow of a doubt, that I am MORTAL. Most folks can put it on the back burner for a while, but we all end up having to face that mortality in the end. So, I just came to my epiphany rather early in life. And I just want to be happy and have fun, and do what I want, and maybe to leave this planet a little better than when I got here. Which is a big order. Okay, I want my children and grandchildren to be glad that I once existed on this planet and glad to have known me. Which they are. And it is time for me to start giving back to the universe in some way, and I'm still looking for that. This is no big deal, I planned on doing this since I was very young. I have stages in my life, and am at the stage now where it is time to become more reflective and to do some good deeds, be helpful somehow. It isn't right to be grabbing for things for myself.