Cruising & Gay Etiquette

topic posted Sat, May 17, 2008 - 4:42 PM by  Unsubscribed
Greetings Everyone,
I have a question on cruising and gay etiquette. If some guy is cruising you at the gym and you're definitely not interested, what's the most polite way to say "no thanks" with out ruffling the queens feathers? Would you look in His direction and yawn? Or, would you run for the hills? Or, do something else?

Be well,

posted by:
  • This post was deleted by Khrysso Heart
  • Re: Cruising & Gay Etiquette

    Thu, May 22, 2008 - 9:33 AM
    The most polite way to say no thank you to a guy that is flirting with you in any environment is to look him in the eyes and shake you head 'no'

    I apologize if this sounds sarcastic - it is not. Simply put the best approach to life include gay life its to be honest. If you looked at me a yawned, I would be pissed. If you ran away, I would be hurt...

    Be polite and homest and just say 'no thanks'.
    • Unsu...

      Re: Cruising & Gay Etiquette

      Fri, May 23, 2008 - 12:41 PM
      Thank you for your suggestions. I like your honesty. However, I did what you suggested several weeks ago. It didn't quite work. I first shook my head to indicate no. He still chased me around the gym for a couple of weeks. I tried running away, he still followed. He even got so agressive at the gym that when he saw me stand up to adjust the poundage on the work out machine, he would slip into the seat and ask then ask me if he could work out with me. I then just shook my head again and walked away. The queen then started to cry and ran away.

      The sobbing really surprised me. It's understandabel to cry when your boyfriend dumps you. But to cry for someone that you've never even had a conversation with is beyond comprehension.

      You'd think that it would stop there, right? The next month, he started trailing behind me again.

      • Re: Cruising & Gay Etiquette

        Sun, May 25, 2008 - 2:39 PM
        Well, it sounds like he is a real piece of work. I guess there is no civil way to get the point across gently if he is going to literally cry. (At first I didn't believe what I was reading.) And I suppose it would not do any good to give him a mean look (that might get him purring more OR it might get you into trouble if you observed being violent in any way). Another thing I thought of is that you could tell him he is embarrassing himself or "Stop embarrassing me." Really don't know what else to say, short of getting the management involved to get this guy to stop following you around and making unwelcome gestures. That might look like being a tattle-tale and maybe that is not your style either. What about "I'm not attracted to you, you better go chase someone who is"?
        • Re: "go chase someone who is"

          Wed, May 28, 2008 - 8:46 AM
          This is unnecessarily sarcastic, and sarcasm accomplishes nothing except self-congratulation. Which may feel good but doesn't help the situation.

          Also, it's not helpful to say, "Stop embarrassing me," because if the person doesn't get that he's embarrassing you in the first place, he's not going to know which part of what he's doing is embarrassing you.

          The classic "I-message" format would work better here, namely,

          "When you... [name the specific behavior that he's doing--following you around or whatever it is that you dislike most],

          I feel... [name a feeling, not an opinion, belief or judgment--in this case, "embarrassed"]

          because... [name what about the behavior is embarrassing--embarrassment is usually caused by being exposed in an unflattering light, so you might say something like, "it draws attention to me and I don't want to have to reject you publicly"]."

          I think enlisting the management sounds like a great idea, myself.
          • Re: "go chase someone who is"

            Thu, June 5, 2008 - 7:00 PM
            That's a tough situation if you want to be a nice guy and keep it polite. I've had guys hit on me at the gym and I think it's appreciated when you're up front and say thanks for the offer (if there is an offer), I'm flattered but am interested in a different type or someone else (if there is someone else). I would want that honesty and consideration if I was ever rejected by a stranger.
            • Unsu...

              Re: "go chase someone who is"

              Thu, June 5, 2008 - 9:29 PM
              Well..., the good thing is that I recently changed my work schedule. Now when I get to the gym literally he's arriving when I'm leaving. Problem solved.
              • Re: "go chase someone who is"

                Sat, June 7, 2008 - 5:49 PM
                Till he starts coming out to the gym earlier to cross your path again...

                I am finding some guys just can't take no for an answer...
                • Unsu...

                  Re: "go chase someone who is"

                  Sat, June 7, 2008 - 7:11 PM
                  Well, I'll just cross my fingers and hope he'll just move on and find someone else to pester. The good thing is that he's not homely. He's just really not my cup of tea. I'm sure he'll run into someone that'll find him mutually attractive too.
                  • This is the maximum depth. Additional responses will not be threaded.

                    Re: "go chase someone who is"

                    Sat, June 7, 2008 - 8:20 PM
                    Kind of interesting that you note that he is not homely. Not sure what is not your cup of tea with him (be it "gay mannerisms" or wrong body type or the signs that he would be a clingy type, and what have you). But this situation reminds me of a thought that has come into my mind over the years. When I was a lot younger, I had an older "buddy with benefits" who said that gay men (or MSM men) will always live with the unfortunate reality of having strong urges for others that will think nothing of them. "We" even discard the ones that are worth something because of what our mind's eye is craving instead of our actual eye - and of course discard the ones that do not suit our eye. Even though I have a number of memories of that guy as somebody scary with his prejudices of infinite kinds, he also said it is better not to limit yourself to "types," because that automatically limits your satisfaction.

                    Is it way too far out in left field for sure when it comes to this guy?

                    If so, then fine - not asking you to do an about-face!
                    • Unsu...

                      It's Just a Phase

                      Sun, June 8, 2008 - 9:41 AM
                      I'm curious. What does "MSM men" mean? MSM? = Micro Soft Men? :-)

                      I mentioned that he was not homely to emphasize that it was his relentless crude behavior that I find so repulsive. On a scale from negative ten to ten, I'd say that this relentless fellow falls right on zero. His appearance didn't repulse me or attract me. He's the kind of guy that blends easily into a crowd. He could pass by me butt naked and I wouldn't notice him because there's nothing interesting about him. If he was a bit less aggressive in his behavior I would have easily engaged in a light conversation with him. But as for dating him, I really don't think so. There's absolutely no attraction. I wouldn't date someone just because he was relentlessly following me around. There would have to be some kind of mutual attraction. Wouldn't you think so?

                      As for the term "types," I was using that term quite loosely. From talking to friends that know me fairly well, they tell me that I really have no type because my tastes in men varies so much. I like bears, gym bunnies, cubs, dads, bikers, bus riders, black, white, asian, latino, big dick, small dick, cut, uncut, body piercings, no piercings, masculin, queeny, clean shaven, beards, hairy, hairless, and so on. There's nothing that links the list of traits together other than being gay men.

                      I do think that every gay man goes through his phases. I think that focusing on a narrow description of men as their type is one of those phases. As we grow older, I really believe that we mature and become more open minded to realizing that there's an endless list of attributes that can make a man very attractive. For myself, some of the less physical attributes are the warmth of a man's voice, the way he smiles, the way his eyes light up when you talk to him, and so on. Never the less, I'm sure this guy at the gym will out grow his obsession with me.

                      just my two cents worth
                      • Re: MSM

                        Sun, June 8, 2008 - 7:59 PM
                        Men who have Sex with Men.

                        It's a term used to identify sexual behaviors for statistical purposes (like when calculating who gets what Sexually Transmitted Diseases and under what circumstances) while avoiding identity-based labels like gay, bi, str8, trans, etc. that bring gender and inclination into the picture when all that's needed is anatomical indicators. "MSM" is particularly useful, for example, when you want to get information from men who are on the Down Low about their sexual activities with people with penises, since men on the DL but who are married often won't identify as "gay" even if they get far more action with other guys than they do with their wives.

                        People gathering statistics for public health purposes don't care who you wanna buy Valentine's Day cards for. They just want to know whose anatomy is rubbing against whose anatomy and how that particular rubbing may be passing microscopic critters so they can track the critters' travel itineraries.
                        • Unsu...

                          Re: MSM

                          Sun, June 8, 2008 - 8:33 PM
                          Thanks. I really was wondering what that meant.


                      • Re: It's Just a Phase

                        Mon, June 9, 2008 - 7:16 PM
                        You've explained clearly where things stand as far as your inclinations go, so it sounds like there is no room for after-thoughts. Not sure if you felt like I was challenging you, given the breadth of your response. My perspective was only to see if there was anything favorable in the situation, which has not been an enjoyable one for you thus far. In case there is any doubt as to where I stand on preferences, I believe in them. That means that it is okay NOT to find X, Y or Z to be worthwhile in a given list of "types." Unfortunately not everyone is willing to give it some thought or time, like you have done.

                        I can't think of any other constructive advice on how to deal with his unwanted advances, other than to label them "unwanted advances" to him directly. That might generate more crying. We can't always get what we want, and we all have to come to terms with that once in a while, I guess.

Recent topics in "Men Flirt with Men"

Topic Author Replies Last Post
Are manners often mistaken for flirtation in today's society? Michael 0 May 8, 2016
gay flirting Unsubscribed 0 January 5, 2015
Hi guys James 0 September 12, 2014 HIV Positive Gays dating and Support community. ... HIVGays 0 September 17, 2013