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Kilt Jokes....

topic posted Sun, September 25, 2005 - 9:03 AM by  Jimmy the 		Share/Save/Bookmark
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What does a Irishman/Scotsman wear under his kilt?




Lipstick!


I'm off to steal some jokes from another tribe...hahaha Raiding party!
posted by:
Jimmy the
offline Jimmy the
Pennsylvania
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  • Jimm...
    Jimmy the
    offline 40

    Re: Kilt Jokes....

    Sun, September 25, 2005 - 9:04 AM
    A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary. From his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched, sewn, and is currently split down one side. He asks the proprietor, "How much to replace this, Ian?" The proprietor says, "Why, Angus, that'll be four pence." Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?" The prop. looks the condom over carefully, and says, "Three pence to repair." The Scotsman ponders for a moment, then says, "I'll be back."
    Later in the day, the Scotsman returns with a smile on his face and says, "Ian, the Regiment has voted to repair!"
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    • Jimm...
      Jimmy the
      offline 40

      Re: Kilt Jokes....

      Sun, September 25, 2005 - 9:06 AM
      One misty Scottish morning a man was driving through the hills to Inverness.
      Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander stepped into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four and has the appearance of a walking wardrobe. He has a huge red beard and despite the wind, mist and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle. At the roadside there also stands a young women. She is absolutely beautiful - slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair....... heart stopping.
      The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham.
      "Right, you Jimmy" he shouts, "Ah want you to masturbate,"
      "But......" stammers the driver.
      "Du it now...or I'll bluddy kill yer!"
      So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside this doesn't take him long.
      "Right" snarls the highlander "Du it again!"
      "But....." says the driver.
      "Now!"
      So the driver does it again.
      "Right laddie, du it again" demands the highlander.
      This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, has violent knob-ache, his sight is failing (as promised for years by his priest) and despite the cold wind has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand.
      "Du it again" says the highlander.
      "I can't do it anymore - you'll just have to kill me," whimpers the man.
      The highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside. "All right laddie," he says, "NOW you can give ma daughter a lift to Inverness."
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      • Jimm...
        Jimmy the
        offline 40

        Re: Kilt Jokes....

        Sun, September 25, 2005 - 9:09 AM
        Artificial Insemination
        A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
        The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.

        The Man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

        Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

        Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

        The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the horn."
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        • Jimm...
          Jimmy the
          offline 40

          Re: Kilt Jokes....

          Sun, September 25, 2005 - 9:11 AM
          Three scotswomen are walking home
          at night (they are neighbors) and find
          a scotsman passed out partially
          under a wagon. His upper body is
          under the wagon and they can't see
          who he is; however, they would like to
          help him get home. The first woman
          looks under his kilt and says, "It's not
          my husband". The second woman
          looks under his kilt and says, It's not
          my husband". The third woman looks
          under his kilt and says, "Why he's not
          even from our village!"
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          • Jimm...
            Jimmy the
            offline 40

            Re: Kilt Jokes....

            Sun, September 25, 2005 - 9:11 AM
            In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt. A couple of weeks before his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt.

            He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"

            So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed. A few days later the tailor called the lad back to the shop.

            "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."

            So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase. Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.

            When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "Well, what'd ye think?"

            "Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.

            "Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he stated as he lifted his kilt to show here.

            "Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.

            Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly, "Aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"
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            • Jimm...
              Jimmy the
              offline 40

              Re: Kilt Jokes....

              Sun, September 25, 2005 - 9:12 AM
              ok not all of them are totally kilt related but just laugh anyway ok?
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              • Unsu...
                 

                Re: Kilt Jokes....

                Sun, September 25, 2005 - 3:00 PM
                Actually, I thought they were funny as hell.

                Lassie: "What's worn under your kilt?"

                Lad: "Nothing, it all works just fine"

                ;)
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                • Xaviar
                  Xaviar
                  offline 116

                  Re: Kilt Jokes....

                  Mon, September 26, 2005 - 11:26 AM
                  whats a scotsmans favorite soap?



                  Woolite!


                  thank you I copywrited this one...lol

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                  • This is the maximum depth. Additional responses will not be threaded.
                    Xaviar
                    Xaviar
                    offline 116

                    Re: Kilt Jokes....

                    Mon, September 26, 2005 - 11:27 AM
                    why do scots where kilts

                    (two versions english and scotish)

                    Scotish: Because my wife can hear a zipper a mile away


                    English: Because a sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

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  • Unsu...
     

    Re: Kilt Jokes....

    Thu, October 20, 2005 - 8:10 PM
    A Highlander finally passes out on his way home from the pub. Two lassies walk by, and one says to the other "I'm going to find out what they really wear under their kilts.". Before her friend can protest, she hikes up the puir laddies kilt, and finds out it's true. Then she has a great idea, and for giggles takes off the blue ribbon in her hair and ties it firmly around his johnson... The girls leave.

    The next morning our hero wakes up with a killer headache and goes to take a leak. Looking down he's quite surprised to see the ribbon at first. Then, on contemplation he thinks to himself: "Well, laddie, I dinna ken where you've been, and I dinna ken wha you've done. But I'm verra proud that you won first prize.".
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  • dunc...
    dunchadh
    offline 0

    Re: Kilt Jokes....

    Thu, March 30, 2006 - 5:37 AM
    While riding one day a frenchman met an scotsman riding along with a dog and a
    sheep, and began a conversation.

    Frenchman: "Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"

    Scotsman: "Dog no talk."

    Frenchman: "Hey dog, how's it goin'?"

    dog: "Doin' all right."

    Scotsman: Look of shock.

    Frenchman, pointing at the Scotsman: "Is this Scotsman your owner?"

    Dog: "Yep."

    Frenchman: "How does he treat you?"

    Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me
    to the lake once a week to play."

    Scotsman: Look of total disbelief.

    Frenchman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

    Scotsman: "Horse no talk."

    Frenchman: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

    Horse: "Cool."

    Scotsman: Extreme look of shock.

    Frenchman, pointing at Scotsman again: "Is this your owner?"

    Horse: "Yep."

    Frenchman: "How's he treat you?"

    Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me
    down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."

    Scotsman: Total look of utter amazement.

    Frenchman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

    Scotsman: "Sheep liar!"
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  • Darren
    Darren
    offline 7

    Re: Kilt Jokes....

    Wed, March 26, 2008 - 11:36 AM
    Whats the difference between the Rolling Stones, and a shepherd on the Isle of Skye?



    One says hey you get off my cloud, the other says hey MacLeod get off me ewe!
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