From one of my friends that works the gate.
----
While attendees of the yearly arts festival known as Burning Man come from
all over the nation and the world, the impact of the costly desert
bacchanalia is felt pretty strongly around San Francisco. Many rejoice at
the sudden lack of rich hippies and art cars dripping Barbie heads and
Legos onto the roads when fog breaks down cheap art-store epoxy, and the
ease with which one can get brunch in the Mission. There are virtually no
white dudes with dreadlocks for seven square miles. San Francisco smug
levels ratchet back to tolerable in the absence of arty hipster trust fund
brats and Web 2.0 lets-resurrect-Pets.com-as-a-vlog leeches. Super
annoying guys don't hit on me in bars assuming I know what the hell
they're talking about when they use terms like "the burn," "the man" and
"off the grid."

And at house parties, there are no chicks that become uncontrollably drunk
and then attempt to show you how they can "fire dance," accidentally
setting fire to the host's potted plant/small dog/infant.

Making the e-mail rounds a few weeks ago -- and sent to me by more than
one high-profile local sex educator -- was a snarky list of ways to "enjoy
Burning Man at home." The list included many observations about the
experience, like:

Before eating any food, drop it in a sandbox and lick a battery.

Stack all your fans in one corner of the living room. Put on your most
fabulous outfit. Turn the fans on full blast. Dump a vacuum cleaner bag in
front of them.

Buy a new set of expensive camping gear. Break it.

Get so drunk you can't recognize your own house. Walk slowly around the
block for five hours.

Have a 3 a.m. soul-baring conversation with a drag nun in platforms, a
crocodile and Bugs Bunny. Be unable to tell if you're hallucinating. Lust
after Bugs Bunny.

Cut, burn, electrocute, bruise, and sunburn various parts of your body.
Forget how you did it. Don't go to a doctor.

Pay an escort of your affectional preference subset to not bathe for five
days, cover themselves in glitter, dust, and sunscreen, wear a skanky neon
wig, dance close naked, then say they have a lover back home at the end of
the night.

For those of us who work in the sexual health professions, it's the last
bit that seems a bit mild. For while we San Franciscans might make fun of
the event and its customers (and be intrigued by its lawsuits), we do love
that it's a sex-positive, inclusive gathering that celebrates art and
community, and fosters -- even strongly emphasizes -- tolerance among all
genders and orientations. But what some of us don't love is the noticeable
impact on local STD clinics and call centers when the "burners" come home.

Here at home among clinic workers and sex hotline operators, our thoughts
are about the souvenirs that keep on giving long after the man has burned,
you've thrown away a car full of garbage at a "leave no trace" event, and
the ozone has thinned a bit more. Maybe it's a coincidence that local
health workers have complained to me that they think there's a noticeable
increase in STD testing around the Bay Area after Labor Day weekend,
presumably from those who found bliss and new friends for life (of the
genital virus variety) while spreading the, um, love and art at Black Rock
City. According to one local clinic worker who requested anonymity for
this piece, "What we usually see is both a weekly trend and a seasonal
trend in STD and pregnancy testing. For example, Mondays are always the
day we get lots of requests for Plan B. We see a huge rise in pregnancy
and STD testing (and, more telling than the number of tests, the number of
positive results) in the summer and around the holidays." Holidays like
Christmas -- or Labor Day? To wit: The Man might be burning, but so is
your ass. It's no wonder the attendees are called "burners."

Think about it. Before you go, have mock-Burning Man sex, just for fun.
Lube up a condom with playa dust or the kitty litter of your choosing.
Have anonymous sex with people who haven't showered or used a functional
bathroom in a week; This is easily accomplished around Stanyan and Haight.
Have a theme party featuring creative enlightenment peppered with drug
busts, heatstroke and, um, community. Dolores Park is a good location for
the last three on that list.

I have a lot of friends who go to Burning Man. But before you end up at
Herpes Camp holding a cardboard sign that reads "will trade ice for
antibiotics and Famvir," pack your safer-sex gear, boundaries and some
sexual common sense along with that fabulous outfit you're about to ruin
with dust and sweat.

Whether inebriated on community, ingestibles or gorgeous steam-powered
art, not everyone is telling their potential sex partners that they're
infected before engaging in sex acts -- or maybe they don't know they're
infected, or are too filthy with playa dust to see an outbreak. When
you're reluctant to screen a new sex partner (asking about STDs and using
a condom), keep in mind that HIV will eventually kill you, herpes and HPV
last a lifetime and the latter is linked to cervical cancer. Does that
white Rasta hippie in caked clown makeup still look worth it?

Infections love dark, moist areas, heat and dirt, and unlike you, they get
into Black Rock City for free. Carry baby wipes to keep yourself clean;
Look for ones that are alcohol-free, unscented and pH balanced. Don't buy
ones with added oils and moisturizers if you plan on using latex condoms
-- and please plan on using condoms (not just for keeping your camera
dust-free). Use latex or polyurethane (non-latex) condoms, and don't get
any oil near your latex. You can use oil with your non-latex condoms but
use lots of lube, as they don't stretch like latex and might break if they
dry out. Avoid animal skin condoms at all costs, as they are not proven
effective against HIV transmission. Buy and carry a pack of latex or
non-latex gloves, as your (and your partner's) hands will be filthy, and
genital contact with germs will give you an infection, especially if you
can't clean yourself off afterward. Also, if you're not sure that your sex
partner is virus-free, a glove for a hand job might save you accidental
transmission of the virus or infection to your eyes, nose, mouth or
elsewhere later.

And no, you can't just lick all the dust off and have everything be OK.
Unprotected oral sex is still a risk. Going down on a woman is a low risk
activity for herpes and HPV, unless she's having an outbreak. Then you're
getting a gift that keeps on giving (yes, HPV can blossom like a pretty
bouquet in your throat). One in three men and women carries HPV
(genital/oral warts), and many don't know it because the virus might not
show up for years. Use a condom when giving a new male partner a blow job
if you want to be absolutely safe. If he objects, you know you have a
loser on your hands (but at least not in your mouth). Additionally, you
lower your risk for contracting an oral virus if you do not brush your
teeth -- tooth brushing opens tiny cuts around your gums to make you
bleed, giving viruses the ultimate ticket to the burn in your bloodstream.
So that naked guy with socks and Birkenstocks with the gnarly, clotted
teeth? Mustache rides are free in the desert, ladies!

Herpes Camp isn't on the map, but you should know your way around it. It's
true that you can contract herpes when the virus is shedding (the period
prior to an outbreak when there are no visible sores), but generally,
people with herpes can tell when they're shedding, and won't engage in sex
during this time. Medications like Famvir are extremely effective in
preventing outbreaks, so if your partner discloses their herpes status but
is on a medication such as Famvir and are in the clear for sex, your
chances of contracting herpes are extremely low.

For a complete list of links and resources about safer sex, and to get
questions answered, visit San Francisco Sex Information.

Author's note: I have a perfect Burning Man attendance record -- zero.