I awoke this morning, broken finally by my depression - I couldn't get out of bed for a long, long time.

I was feeling the vastness of the universe in comparison to my infinitesimally small self.
How can what I do make any difference, matter at all, equal anything other than - nothing - when put next to the macro in which we live?
How can my/our suffering/joy mean a goddamned thing when put up against such gargantuan proportions and glories?

It's the Philosopher's Disease - to think long and hard about things beyond our full cognition and become so overwhelmed that we react with depression over the whole damned thing.

It's hard to be anything but humble under these musings, the ego gets knocked into the dirt and we say: "My best, biggest achievements are all nothing compared to That."

At first I wanted to just give up and say Fuck It, nothing I do will ever mean anything in the big picture, why even waste my breath? Why not just become a hedonist to the fullest extent instead?
Then I remembered that I was a hedonist like that before and it's not any better than striving to do something of meaning in the world. It's worse to me, for I feel like I'm not doing any good for anyone - not even myself and when I'm doing something constructive at least I'm *trying* to do good for as many as possible.

So this brings me to the face-on realization that all we do "for the good of all" is in all actuality a way to scratch the itch to do something which allows us to feel like we are contributing worthwhile things and pat ourselves on the back, saying "you're doing fine." Is this any better or worse than doing it for money, power, fame, etc.?

I then started thinking of all the things I could do if I had the money available - so much would I do, I wouldn't have time to sleep!
Even though I know that our "money" doesn't really exist, there is no backing behind the coins and papers, the idea of the security it brings is all an illusion. I know this from working for the banking giants in the past - the money you put into your savings, only goes there as a number - the actual money goes to Jane's new loan and to cash Josh's paycheck - there is no actual money in your savings - EVER. If we were to ALL go and withdraw all our money at the same time - the banks would not have enough and would bankrupt completely in the process.

Everything we deem important is only another part of the Illusion, this is a tad painful to face completely. I'm talking about EvErYtHiNg - whether you're left -right-neutral-up-down-crossways-mono-poly-none-whatever you believe in.

It's all a part of the Illusion - so how do we deem what is more important, how do we deem what is right or wrong - when will we learn there is No Such Thing??

When we figure that out - really get it in our heart of hearts, in the seat of our soul - THEN we'll reach our next level of evolution AND absolutely nothing will happen - simultaneously. LOL Another paradox - it's all paradoxes and it isn't at all.

I'm still trying to gasp for breath, to pull myself up by my bootstraps, to see what I'm working towards from a humble place, but also from a place of understanding that it needs to be done for it's own worth and reasons. Many of which I am not yet aware of and may never be.